Been Here the Whole Time

I felt like we were on a roller coaster now. Some days, Gerard was on the peak of the roller coaster, happy as could be to see me and be with me, and other days he was so……depressed. I was so scared he’d turn back to alcohol and end up being an addict the way he had been years ago. If he did, you could bet your ass that I would totally forget about my love for babies and track Stacey down. Pregnant or not, I would kill her for what she did to him, so there was part of me that wished he would turn to alcohol. However, the sensible part of my mind always screamed otherwise, because wishing a dark path for Gerard was just plain selfish.

I had to tell Alicia about this. I’m sure her and Mikey could see what was going on with Gerard, but….I still had to let someone know how I was feeling about this. Kitty was one of my best friends, but she had her own life and her own problems. At least with Alicia, she could understand the mysterious ways of the Way family. So we’d found some lawn chairs and folded them out on the side of the stage, holding our coffees in our hands while we thought of what to say. “I’m so scared, Al.” My voice was little, and I could tell by the way she was slumped over towards me that she was concerned not only for her brother-in-law, but also for me. There were so many reasons I loved this girl.

“I know you are, Linds. But I know you, and I know you’re not going to let Stacey get in the way of anything. It might take a while, but Gerard’ll see it too,” she said, putting her mug on the ground between the chairs. Her beanie flopped off the back of her head, but it always did when she wore the grey and black striped one. I nodded, though the slight frown on my face didn’t departure from me. I was having a hard time imagining any time lighter, because if I knew Gerard (and I did), he let things like this hang over his head for no reason. He was the one that told Stacey he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby, and I couldn’t be mad at him over that. I was trying so hard to be supportive, to be there for him like the girlfriend I wanted to be. But if he was going to dismiss the way I felt about the whole situation and do as he pleased to make himself feel better, then I would get mad.

I sighed and took a sip of my coffee, letting the wind whip my raven hair around my face. The less I could see, the better, and so I’d been wearing my hair down a lot more often than usual since the run in with Stacey. I had to move past all of this though, and I decided then that if it meant having to part from Gerard (even for a little while), then so be it. I couldn’t help it if he was going to drown in the sorrows of some girl that claimed to be having his child and not take into consideration that I was still his girlfriend. Once again though, I couldn’t get mad until he stopped worrying about what I thought, how I felt. And so far…..he was doing an exceptional job at keeping me on his mind when I least expected it.

“I need to get going. I’ll talk later though!” Alicia picked up her mug as I nodded, and she hugged me quickly before heading wherever she was needed. My new way of being an understanding person in any situation allowed me to just let her go without any fight, because I understood she had work to do. So I continued to sit there and tried not to wallow in whatever pity I was feeling, because honestly I knew it would get me absolutely nowhere. I just couldn’t help but think that this whole thing, one little unborn baby, was going to ruin everything I’d waited and worked so hard and long for. I loved Gerard so much, and I’d tried to tell him a few times, but I was just so freaked that Stacey’s baby would really be his and….things just wouldn’t be the same.

The wind shifted and pushed my hair off of my shoulders, and I hadn’t realized my throat hurt so bad until the single tear fell from my eyes. I never cried, which meant crying once was weird enough as a start for me. I never cried over Gerard, which meant that crying over the sake of our relationship felt wrong to me. It wasn’t natural, because for most of my life I relied on just being the one in control of the relationship. I’d relied on the thought that guys used to be scared of me, and the brace ones that actually dated me were too scared of me afterwards and let me take the reins. But with Gerard, everything was flipped, and though the change was nice (it gave me a chance to sit back and enjoy the chance to see what being the girl in the relationship was like), it scared the fuck out of me. It scared me even more that I might loose it all, that the mysterious feeling of being on the edge of my seat all the time with Gerard might just vanish all because of something Stacey claimed to be truth.

“Lindsey Ann Ballato!” I heard. My head whipped around and I sat up straight and looked at a short little head of dark hair. Frank made his way around the corner and stomped over to me, standing at the end of what had been Alicia’s lawn chair. “Get your ass up because Gerard won’t shut the fuck up! ‘Where’s Lindsey? Where are you hiding her, Iero?!’ I swear to God, if you don’t kill him in all his annoying searching for you, I will!” I let out a small giggle and looked right into Frank’s eyes, seeing that playful joking gleam in his eye that always made me feel better. But his face fell when he saw that my eyes were filled with water, and before I could so much as blink he had crouched to try and seem like he cared. And he did, I know he did, it was just odd to see Frank so much shorter than he already was.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked, placing his hands over mine. That didn’t last long, because I picked my hands up and wiped my eyes clear of the water that was starting to pool. I shook my head and tried to laugh a bit through the sting in my throat. “Don’t you dare tell me there’s nothing fucking wrong, Lindsey. You’re crying for a reason!” I shook my head with more violence this time, though I said nothing. I was suddenly scared (and being so scared of so many things was starting to freak me out) that if I even said one word, everything would come tumbling out like a waterfall of useless knowledge.

But I managed to talk myself into risking the waterfall. “It’s nothing I can’t handle, Frank. I promise.” I’m such a horrible liar, but Frank stood up and shrugged, holding one hand out for me to take. I took his hand and let him help me up, pulling my mug with me as I turned and walked behind him almost to the My Chem dressing room. I managed to clear my throat and replace any thought that would make me want to cry again with something good-like the first kiss Gerard and I shared. I hadn’t thought about that in a while, but now that it replayed in my mind, I felt like eight weights had been lifted off of my shoulders. Eight weights that weight a hundred pounds each.

When we made it to the room and Frank opened the door, Mikey nearly scared the fuck out of me by skipping out the door and down the hall in the opposite direction. I caught my breath though and continued to follow Frank into the room. Gerard was sitting on the couch adjacent from Bob’s little set up of Rock Band™ drums, which he was playing madly as the notes moved passed the screen, with Ray on guitar as he should be. Frank headed into the bathroom for whatever reason, and I took the seat next to Gerard and leaned against him. He smiled, a sign that today wasn’t a day he was going to sit around and sulk, and immediately my mood lightened. He leaned down and kissed me, not really seeming to care that his friends were in the room. If he didn’t care, neither did I.

“I was worried about you!” he said, pulling me close enough to him so that I was now sitting on his lap. I wanted to tell him that I was so much more worried about him than he was about me, but instead he just kissed me again, making my thoughts cease and my heart speed up. I totally forgot about everyone around us and wrapped myself around him, holding the man I loved so much as close to me as humanly possible. We kept deepening the kiss, and any thought of Gerard disregarding me felt foolish and totally uncalled for. I smiled and sighed, letting everything that had been weighing my mind down lift again.

“Get a room!” we heard, and suddenly Alicia had seemed to appear with Mikey out of nowhere. He had his arms around her waist and his head was leaning on her shoulder, but Alicia was smirking at me and Gerard as we actually pulled apart from each other. I blushed, but only long enough for Gerard to push me just enough to stand up. He took my hand and headed out of the dressing room and back around to the busses, where he pushed me (wow, that sounded like he beat me or something!) up against the bus and kissed me full force. There was no one around, so what was stopping us?

I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him have his way, pretty much. He deserved it, after all, and like I’d said before I was going to let him be in control for as long as he wanted to be-or until I wanted to be in control again. Which ever came first. His hands pretty much roamed where they wanted, but I wasn’t stopping him. It felt nice to be touched, especially by the man I’d been so infatuated with for a while, even before we started dating. When he pulled his lips away, he actually hadn’t moved far. It took me until opening my eyes to see that; he’d only moved his lips off of mine but kept his whole body close to mine, the way I knew we both liked it.

I looked Gerard in the eye and once again almost got excited for what he was going to say. He had that gleam in his beautiful hazel eyes again, and I was almost positive he was going to say something! I waited a few seconds, sure that he was going to spit out whatever was on his mind, but he hesitated. At least, I thought it was hesitation. Maybe he was just thinking of what to say so that he wouldn’t get in trouble or something, like I was his babysitter or his teacher rather than his girlfriend. But after waiting for a good solid two minutes in complete silence, I sighed and ran my hand through his hair.

“You’ve been keeping something from me, Gee. What’s up?” I asked, honestly concerned for my boyfriend’s health. It was a bid odd calling Gerard my boyfriend, but only because of how close we were so fast. It felt more like I’d been dating him my whole life rather than a few weeks or months-I’ve lost count.

Gerard sighed and looked at the ground, and I stared at him like he was crazy for a few seconds before he looked back up again. “I’m so afraid to say anything. Especially now, because I don’t know what will happen if I do say what I keep keeping from you,” he said, honesty washing away any look he’d been giving me a few seconds ago. He let me go completely and turned around, backing up against the bus to slide down until he was crouched with his butt against the ground. I did the same, just to show I wasn’t going to run away from him, to show him that I was there to listen to what he had to say. To make my point even clearer, I took his hand in mine before wrapping my legs up close to me.

“I don’t want you to be afraid with me, Gee. I want you to be open, and I want you to understand that I’m not just here for you to kiss and hold. I’m here because I care enough to listen and know you on a level that others don’t,” I said, feeling like Dr. Phil in the process, but being proud that I’d had the courage to say it anyway. He sighed and squeezed my hand, pulling me closer to him by our grasp on each other. With the hand that wasn’t holding mine, Gerard reached across my shoulders and rested us so that I was leaning on him with his arm around me. “Please tell me that you understand what I’m saying.”

He sighed and rested his head on mine, holding me as close as I thought humanly possible. I felt his head nod before he kissed the top of my head, and I sighed in content even if my mind was screaming at Gerard in what sounded like eight languages (I didn’t even know eight languages!). “I understand, Lindsey. I don’t mean to be so scared, but I am. I’m so scared of being rejected and-“

Did he just say what I thought he said? “Gerard Arthur Way, you’re scared that I’m going to reject you? Why in the world would I do such a thing?” I asked, sitting up and looking at him like he was crazy. He pretty much was for suggesting that I would reject him in the first place. Was it not me that begged and prayed and pretty much gave him my all for years before he finally gave me all that I wanted back from him? But Gerard just looked almost guilty and looked at the ground again, all before I grabbed his face softly but firmly. He then looked up at me with eyes that told me he was lost, like he was deciding on what to say next. I just wanted him to speak his mind. Didn’t he see that?

“It’s not what I want to be saying. I don’t think you will reject me, but-ugh! It’s like every thing I say never comes out the way I want it to! That’s why I don’t say what I’ve been thinking, Lindsey!” He seemed so broken at the moment, and I couldn’t help but want to blame Stacey for it all. She built him up to tear him down, and I was the one that was left to build Gerard back up again. I wasn’t complaining, since that had been what I’d wanted to do since he started dating her, but it just didn’t seem fair to me to have to sit here and try to make new standards of a girlfriend because of one whore that used every guy she came into contact with. I wondered quickly how many times Mikey had to hold Alicia back from smacking Stacey across the face.

Pushing hair behind my ear, I sighed and looked right at Gerard. I just wanted him to say whatever he’d been keeping from me, not give me a whole staring contest and a lecture on why he couldn’t say whatever he’d been trying to say! “Gerard, just say it. I can’t sit here and pretend like you don’t have something to say to me forever.” If I did, there wouldn’t be a reason for me to speak. If anyone knew me, they knew I was a very verbal person, and that everyone was titled to what I had to say. In this case, I just needed him to be open with me.

He took my hand in his again and looked right at me, moving closer since I’d moved back when I sat up. We stayed silent for a few seconds, and I tried to figure out if he was really going to tell me or not, but he finally opened his mouth and stared at me in more silence. “Lindsey, I’m falling so hard for you and I don’t even know how to say it in words other than…..I love you.” That just made me stop, everything in side of me stop, and it caused my mind to pause any processes that were trying to complete themselves. He just……he’d just said the words I’d been waiting to hear for years, and all I could do was sit there and look like a fish out of water?

I guess I’d taken too long, because before I knew it I heard Gerard sigh and look away, a look on his face that made me think he was telling himself we were too good to be true. He went to stand up, but I realized I still had his hand in mine. Or rather, he still had mine in his. I turned my hand around in his so that I was holding his and pulled; he wasn’t going anywhere I until I was ready to let him go now. He looked back at me with one of his feet positioned with the sole of his shoe against the ground and I pulled more, making him fall almost on top of me.

“What are you doing, Ballato?” he asked. It almost took me by surprise because of the use of my last name, but I ignored the feeling and planted my lips onto his. I felt Gerard relax as he wrapped his arms around me and brought me closer to him, obviously getting my point when I smiled into the lip lock. It felt so good to have him say that to me, I couldn’t even express it in words! But when he pulled away, I had no choice. I mean, I did, but I’m not exactly the type to leave guys hanging. So I kept the smile on my face and pulled myself closer to Gerard.

"You have absolutely no clue how long I've waited to hear that, Way. I've loved you longer than you can imagine."