Been Here the Whole Time

You know how people say that things change after you have sex with someone for the first time? And I’m not particularly talking about loosing your virginity, I’m just talking about when you fall in love with someone new and finally physically show the, people like to say things change between you and your lover, right? I want to argue differently. Gerard and I were already as close as we possibly could be before sex, though I didn’t really understand until he explained to me why he was holding out. He just wanted to make sure everything was right, pure, and completely trustworthy. He swore he trusted me as much as he could, but there’s still that little part of my mind that makes me think he needed to trust me too. I don’t blame him; look at what Stacey left behind. Anyway, I want to argue the saying that sex changes people.

We haven’t changed. Haven’t grown apart, haven’t really gotten closer because of our closeness before finally doing it. We’re still Gerard and Lyn-z; I still have my life, he still has his, but now we’re just….intertwined, I guess you could say. Not like we hadn’t already been so since we started….well, knowing each other, honestly. How else does a couple change? There isn’t any other way I can think of, leaving me to think that Gerard and I haven’t changed. We’re just as happy as we were before we had sex, so the only thing that I do think changed was that we now know that we’re comfortable in the same bed, completely naked. So I don’t know what lead everyone around us on to the fact that we finally like….sealed a deal or something. It was just natural for the two of us, and I know Gerard would agree with me if I sad anything about it to him.

But I haven’t, and I have no plans on doing so. Because honestly, none of it really bothers me. It just got me thinking about how much Gerard and I haven’t changed, and how perfectly fine I am with that. I love just being with him; I’m not dependent on our sex. I’m a grown woman who knows what she wants, and Gerard is a grown man who knows what he wants. That’s enough for the both of us, so there’s no reason to want to change. There’s no reason either of us have to sit there and try to find something different about us, though Alicia, Frank, and Mikey beg to differ.

Which leads me to believe that I should murder all three of them if they don’t leave me the fuck alone. “Why aren’t you with him?!” isn’t a question I want to have to answer every moment of my life. So we hadn’t exactly told them we’d had sex, they just….knew. They kind of were in the hotel with us, and everyone knows how thin hotel walls really are. Unless you have a penthouse or Honeymoon Suite or something. We had none of those things, but we didn’t exactly need them. Two people who weren’t virgins don’t exactly need the comfiest place to do it, so long as they had each other. ‘Least, that’s how Gee and I saw it.

Thankfully, I happened to be around Gerard at the very moment, and on top of that Frank, Mikey, and Al were nowhere to be seen. That might have been because we were cuddling in the Mindless Self Indulgence dressing room. It seemed to be the only place no one looked for us for some reason, although that should be the second place someone should check. Whatever, I’m not going to complain. I’m just going to enjoy my time with Gee-

His phone rang. The Misfits blared from his pocket, and he smiled slightly. I said nothing as he pulled his phone out, ignoring the flashing name on the outer screen. He didn’t care, and I knew why. “Hello?” he asked. I could hear the voice, girly and annoying. I couldn’t hear the exact words that were being spoken, but whoever it was and whatever they were saying, Gerard didn’t like it one bit. The look on his face said so. “You can’t know this early,” he said, moving the both of us so that we were no longer cuddling. Now we were sitting up, me looking at Gerard (more specifically the expressions on his face) and Gee looking anywhere but me. I didn’t like that one bit. “It hasn’t even been three months!”

All signs were leading to the devil in disguise. I took Gerard’s arm in my hand but he didn’t even move to look in my direction. “Stacey,” he said, letting all of my fears come true. It was her, it. She just wasn’t going to leave us alone. There was never going to be a time when she wasn’t part of the shit that could possibly ruin everything. “It’s not possible. There’s no way, and I’m not stupid. If you ever call me again, I’ll have you arrested. Pregnant or not.” I didn’t like that one bit, regardless of who he was talking to. You can’t put a pregnant woman in jail! That’s not even right!

As soon as that thought crossed my mind, Gerard hanged up the phone and sighed. He tossed the phone away from us and held his head in his hands. I just stared for a few moments, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, I focused on trying to tell him that incarcerating a pregnant woman, no matter how annoying, wasn’t right. It wasn’t ethical. “Gee,” I called, trying to scoot closer to him. It was amazing how one call that couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes had turned our snuggle session into an all out “Let’s just ignore each other because of my exgirlfriend, Lindsey” fest. I sighed and called out again, “Gee.”

He looked at me with this sadness in his eyes that made me want to melt and become the tears he would shed. Some part of me just thought of that as sentimental crap, which it really was. He didn’t need to cry, didn’t need to be so upset over Stacey. She wasn’t going to bother us for long so long as we had anything to say about it. I pulled his hand into mine and looked right into his eyes. “You can’t incarcerate her.” It was all I said, but it made Gerard sit up. He asked, “Why the fuck not!?” I sighed but kept my eyes on his. No matter what his mood or what they were holding in them, his eyes always kept me calm and peaceful.

“Because, it doesn’t matter who she is or what she does to us. We’re strong enough to pull through it, Gerard. And you can’t send a pregnant woman to jail, especially not if she’s carrying your child! Do you understand how morally wrong that sounds?” I asked, making sure I didn’t crack under his stare. He sighed and looked away from me, pulling his hand out of mine and standing. He walked around the couch but before he could walk out the door I called out to him, “Where do you think you’re going?” He turned and looked at me from under his bangs. The look in his eyes wasn’t one I’d seen before and it wasn’t one I could particularly read.

“Why are you taking her side?” he asked, no hint of venom but a bit of aggravation in his tone. My eyes widened before I stood up too. I looked right at him as he turned around and waited for my response. I gave it too him, alright. Along with that, I had the heart-wrenching feeling that we had changed after sex, after all.

I took in a deep breath and stared. “Gerard Arthur Way, I am in no way taking that sluts side!” Way to be blunt, right? “I’m being a woman, standing up for what I think is right. I’m speaking to you as a woman that happens to want children of her own one day, and I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be holed up in Jail while I was pregnant! Do you know how awfully they treat people in jail, Gerard?” I asked. He looked away from me again and sighed (again). Could he not see that I didn’t want that baby in jail? Why was it so wrong to think that?

When he looked back at me, he really looked like he was going to cry, but not for the same reason as before. “You’re right.” He took one step towards me, then stopped again and just watched me. “I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing for being such a man. I didn’t move though, because I couldn’t. No man had ever apologized to me that way before. Not Jimmy, not even when I promised to make sure he couldn’t have kids. Not Steve, though he really didn’t have a reason to. Just Gerard, and for one reason or another I liked it that way. “It’s wrong.” Was he going to use more than two word sentences eventually?

He walked around the couch again and stood in front of me, waiting for me to say something. I stuttered when I did, astonished that men could actively apologize and admit they were wrong. “I-It’s ok-kay Gerard,” I said, still looking right into his eyes. He, without warning, wrapped his arms slowly around me, and I wrapped mine around him. We hadn’t meant to fight, if that was what you wanted to call it. He knew I was right, that we were strong enough to pull through all of Stacey’s shit. She was nothing compared to what we had. Soon enough, she would be out of our lives forever, because even if this child was Gerard’s, it would be the last for her. He had me now.
He smiled and dug his face into the crook of my neck, and I held him as tight to me as I could. “This is one thing I can do with you that I couldn’t with her,” he said, before he stood back up straight and sat down, holding my hand before I sat down again with him. I raised my eye brow and scooted closer to him on the fabric of the couch. “I can work things out. It was always her way or no way, but with you….it’s so different, in the best way possible.” I didn’t really know how to react to that. I kind of just sat there and looked at Gerard, which wasn’t so bad at all. He sighed and pulled me so that I was leaning against him.

“I love you, Linds,” he said. I felt him place a small kiss on the side of my face and I smiled. I sighed and said back, “I love you too, Gee.” His hands snaked around my waist and I suddenly had this feeling of overwhelming joy and safety fall over me. It felt great to be where I was, and I pitied any girl that wanted Gerard but couldn’t have him because of what we had at that moment.

****

“Chanty!” I yelled. Finally, I got to see my redheaded friend. I didn’t quite understand what she was doing on tour without any notification beforehand, but I didn’t care. She was here with us, and I think I might have been slightly more excited for it than even Jimmy was. Hard to believe, I know, but still. Anyway, I ran over to her and caught her in a hug, almost squealing with her as we held each other really tight. She giggled before I let go and stood back to look at her. “I missed you!” I said. She smiled and nodded, then looked beyond my frame. I knew Jimmy was standing not too far behind me somewhere.

“I’m sure you did, but I have some lovin’ to catch up on, Lindsey! I will have to come back for our sweet sexy reunion in a bit,” she said, only half joking. I nodded and let her go, only to watch her walk over to Jimmy and practically rape him with her hands. Well, you can’t exactly rape the willing, but still. I let her walk over to her husband before I sighed and walked the way I’d been heading anyway. I was hoping to find Gerard, but the venue that day (a few weeks after our fight over putting Stacey in jail) was fucking huge.

Instead, I ran into Alicia. I hadn’t really talked to her in a while, at least not girl-to-girl. Gerard and Mikey had been around every time, so I hurried up to her and smiled. “Hey Al!” I said, before she turned around and smiled back at me. She glomped me, giggling the whole time. I just let her and wrapped my arms around her, giggling with her. “I see someone’s a bit excited to see me!” She let go of me, and I of her, and for a moment I thought I saw a curious look cross her face. Was she hiding something from me that I was supposed to know?

“Have you seen Gerard today?” she asked. Of course. I was waiting for someone to ask me that. Just because we were a couple, madly in love, and totally having regular sex (come on, we’re both grown adults here!) didn’t mean I was always with him. Not always being with him made the times when I was with him even more special than they would be otherwise. So I shrugged and shook my head. “That’s odd. He’s been looking all over for you all day!” she said. He was? I’m almost always in the same places. I guess the venue really was bigger than I thought.

I sighed. “It’s not hard to find me,” I said, almost nonchalantly. Alicia shrugged too and turned back to whatever she was doing. “But did he say what he was looking for me for?” I asked, trying to get something, anything out of her. She shook her head all too quickly, but I shook it off. She was obviously busy. “I guess I’ll see you around then, Al.” I turned on my heel and walked away, noticing how Alicia didn’t even acknowledge that I was walking away. She was acting weird, and I’d figure out why one way or another.
****

“So, what do you see?”

First, I saw the night sky. “I see stars, Gerard, what else would I see?” I asked rhetorically. He chuckled and rubbed my shoulder lightly. We were laying side-by-side just on some random patch of grass, and it almost felt like a dream. The only thing keeping me from believing I was dreaming was the fact that I could feel everything with my heart, my soul, and my body. I saw from the corner of my eye Gerard turn his head and look at me.

“You know how the light we see is from eight minutes ago?” he asked. I remembered junior high, when the science teachers told us that the light from stars and the sun we could see from the Earth’s surface was from eight minutes prior, due to the distance between the Earth and that star. So I nodded and waited. “And you know how you can see eight minutes ago on Earth from space? What if you could see the future in the sky, in between the lights and the stars?” he asked. I didn’t see any sense in his inquiry, but that was half the fun. “I kind of love the future I’m seeing if that’s what I am seeing.”

I turned my head and looked into Gerard’s Hazel orbs and my heart skipped a beat. Every emotion on the planet that resembled love and passion was being held in those eyes that made me loose my breath every time I looked into them. His smile made me feel like we weren’t on Earth anymore, like we were in space looking down on Earth the way he’d explained just before. “What do you see in between the lights and the stars?” I asked. Because of that, he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me even closer to him, and I thought I was going to cease breathing forever. I didn’t though, and Gerard obviously knew I’d felt that way so instead of kissing my lips, his lips met my forehead.

“I see you, and me. Just us. I see never ending love and happiness with you, Lindsey.” I blushed and dug my head into his chest, which was warm and inviting against my skin (even through his shirt). He pulled my face to his by my chin and kissed me quickly, before looking back at the sky. “So tell me, what do you see, love?” he asked. I looked at the sky and tried to get my mind to reason the way Gerard’s did. I couldn’t quite see where he was coming from with his whole ‘between the lights and stars’ technique.

“I see a sky, some stars, and you.” Was that enough? “I see the whole universe, and you. I always do, Gerard.” He sighed, and I could feel his eyes study my face. He moved some of my hair out of his way before he kissed my cheek.

“Do you see us the way I do?” he asked. I was a bit shocked, but I couldn’t deny that I did.

“Yes.” I turned and looked at him again, but only long enough for him to place his lips on mine again. Passion exploded, and I turned my body and put a hand on the side of his face. When he pulled away, I looked at him and let him speak first. He smiled and pushed some of my hair behind my ear. I watched him sigh before he took my hand from his face and held it in his own hand. He asked, “If you see what I see, can I ask you something that will change our lives forever?” I nodded.

A smile grew on the both of our faces, and in anticipation, I felt my fingers start to twitch. “Lindsey Ann Ballato,” he started, pulling me closer to him gently. If we were any closer, I think we’d melt into one person. “Will you…..be mine for forever and marry me?” he asked. My mouth dropped and I wanted to jump up from the ground and dance until the sun came up. My heart exploded, because honestly I’d been waiting for that moment for longer than anyone knew. A smile the size of Alaska, and keep in mind that Alaska is the biggest state in the United States, spread its way across my face and features. Everything about me lit on fire and blazed.

I attacked his lips with all the excitement and passion I was feeling and giggled. After a few minutes, we broke away for air and Gerard smiled like the North Star. “Am I allowed to take that as a ‘Fuck yes’?” he asked and I giggled. I said, “Of course!” before I attacked him again.

And that was the night that our lives changed forever.