Been Here the Whole Time

It was almost hard to believe that I was engaged. It was really hard to believe that all of it was real because of a lack of the ring, which I wasn’t expecting at all. I didn’t see jewelry as a sign of love or whatever, just a reminder. It didn’t matter to me. I knew Gerard loved me, and I knew he’d asked me to marry him, it was just hard to believe without the recognition a ring provides. Besides, we were waiting for the right time to tell everyone, and a ring would just give it away beforehand. I wanted the element of surprise on our hands, and it seemed Gee was on the same page as far as that went. What I was hoping wouldn’t come true was my expectation for Alicia to know before everyone else. Sadly, that didn’t last too long.

Within days, she’d somehow gotten to one of Gerard’s personal notebooks. She’s a freaking mastermind that Way girl (I got a bit jealous just calling her that). So I’d caught myself watching her when I could, because I didn’t want that pretty mouth to open and spill the surprise for everyone else. Especially Mikey, who wasn’t going to know until everyone else. If he did, Gerard and I knew exactly who to hunt down. “Not one word, you hear?” I asked sternly. Alicia pulled what she had out of the box in front her and sighed. She paused, but the merchandise down, and turned to me with one hand on her hip. The look on her face spoke before she did herself.

“I got it the first eighteen times, Linds. Don’t worry, the surprise is safe with me.” I didn’t know how much I could rely on that statement, but I did trust Alicia. I trusted her one hell of a lot more than I trusted some other people, so the most (and least) I could do was sit around and hope that she was telling the truth. I sighed and sat on the chair set up next to the table she’d been working on. “Besides, you shouldn’t be so stressed over this. Being eng- I mean, this is supposed to be happy, something for you to totally be sure about. Just because I know doesn’t mean the world has ended.” It occurred to me then that it didn’t matter how big her mouth was, Alicia was almost always right.

“I know Al. And I am really happy. If I were any happier, I think I’d shit rainbows.” She giggled then. I rolled my eyes. “I’m totally sure about it. You know this is the one thing I’ve been waiting for since I realized….” Alicia knew what I was talking about. It seemed like such a long time ago that I’d found out just how much in love with Gerard I was. I couldn’t believe that it had only been that short a time since I’d gone from lonesome and single to engaged to the man of my dreams. I didn’t even know I could get that cheesy!

Instead of thinking about that, I put my head in one of my hands and huffed, but didn’t sigh. “I don’t want to stress over this, which is why I wanted everyone to know at the same time. At least, everyone that can know at the same time. Sneak,” I said, looking right at Alicia with a play-glare. I wasn’t really mad at her for looking at Gerard’s notebook, but I knew Gee had been pretty pissed when she’d come clean about it. She just gave me a huge grin and went back to what she was doing. “I thought maybe if I could keep everyone on the same page at the same time, then no one would freak out about knowing after someone or something, you know?” I asked. She huffed too, and shook her head before looking at me with a really sarcastic smile on.

“You seem to fail to remember that I was engaged once,” she said. I did tend to remember that Mikey and Al had been engaged before they got married. Their relationship just seemed so natural that I found it easy to forget the fact that they hadn’t been married their whole lives. “So yeah, I know the feeling Lindsey. I also know that you don’t have to worry about it. Honestly, I’d want to tell my parents before anyone else, especially if I could get engaged to my man all over again.” She had a point. Parents never got to go on tour, making it almost impossible for them to know first unless they were told before everyone else. I nodded. She shrugged then. “But you do what you wanna do. This is about you and that man that happens to be my brother-in-law.” Then Alicia stopped, as if something had suddenly come to her.

“Oh my god!” she said, a hushed excited tone to her voice as to keep whatever she was going to say between the two of us. “You’re going to be my sister-in-law!” Her voice almost sounded like a screech, but I didn’t really have time to retaliate before I was jumped on. She squealed and hugged me tight, and I had no choice but to giggle in response. “I have no clue why it took me so long to think of it, but we’re gonna be family, Lindsey Ballato!” Her face lit up, and I rolled my eyes again with a smile on my face. “This is gonna be great! I better get a good part in this family-filled Italian wedding, you hear?!” I nodded, too choked on my continuous laughter to form words with my mind.

I got a good breath in and she backed up. “Who said I was married the traditional Italian way?” She stopped short then and gave me an eye. The eye asked just what the hell I was talking about. I got quiet and stood up to get closer, just in case any sneaks were around. “Gee and I don’t want anything big. We kind of wanted to get married before the tour was over.” I was looking at my boots, but Alicia was staring right at me. I waited a few seconds before she asked, “How do you plan on doing that? Vegas?” I shook my head. Gerard and I both decided Vegas wasn’t what we were going for. I said, “No. Something much smaller. And a lot less formal.” Alicia was going to think I was nuts. Who was going to argue though?

“What are you getting at?” She asked it with an eye brow raised. Well, she already knew about the engagement, so why the hell not? I sighed and sat back down again. I was going to need to.

“We’re um…..we’re gonna find someone to do all the official stuff and whatnot, but we just want you guys there, no dresses, no flowers, nothing overly huge. Nothing huge at all.” Alicia put her hand on her hip and rose both eye brows. She was either ticked, or really confused. Maybe both.

That was when I heard my name being called in a different direction. Before I could look at who it was, my lips had been caught in a kiss that told me who it was without a doubt. I smiled until Alicia cleared her throat. “You didn’t say anything about no dresses, Sir.” Gerard looked right at her and rolled his eyes. So he was still a bit ticked, but he would get over it. It wasn’t like he hated his sister-in-law. Gee had made it perfectly clear to everyone that he didn’t…couldn’t hate anyone that Mikey even remotely liked. “I already had mine picked out and everything!” She wasn’t whining, but just stating a fact like she meant it. I knew better; I knew Alicia better than that.

I stood up and let Gerard hold my hand. “You snuck, remember? If you had staid out of my business, you wouldn’t have picked out a dress that would be rendered useless.” His tone held little humor, but I knew he was being playful. The smirk on his lips said so. Alicia mocked him in an equally playful manner and I laughed before cutting in with, “Kay kiddies, let’s grow up here a bit for a moment. Alicia understands that we’re telling people, not her, and now she knows what we’re planning.” Alicia crossed her arms in mock pride and held her head a bit too high. I rolled my eyes again and shook my head.

“Off my case, Way.” Alicia’s voice held a joking tone, and Gerard just smirked back. Well, for a few seconds he did anyway. Then he said, “Not a chance, Simmons-Way.” Alicia gave a sigh-chuckle and shook her head before packing up her box and picking it up off the table. She looked right at me, winked, and walked away. That left Gerard to turn to me and lean me against the table. I smiled and grabbed on to his shirt, bringing him closer to me. He leaned his head against mine, and I was suddenly glad Alicia had left us to ourselves. Sure it was nice being surrounded by people who overly supported us being together, but I really liked being alone with Gerard. He was mine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Have I told you that I love you today?” he asked. His arms had wrapped themselves around my waist by then, and I just blushed and shrugged. I didn’t care if he had, I wanted to hear him tell me again. I always wanted Gerard to tell me he loved me. He kissed my forehead, then put his head back against mine and looked at me with those hazel eyes that I got lost in every time I saw them. “I love you, Lindsey.” I smiled and leaned up to have my lips meet with his. Making out with Gerard was one of my most favorite things to do. For obvious reasons, but also because I always felt like I was flying instead of kissing. When he pulled back, I was still holding onto him and smiling.

“I love you too, like you have no clue.” He didn’t. Or maybe he did, because it must have been even a little obvious to him that I’d had feelings for him since before Stacey ever came around. He took my hand and lead me away from where we were, taking me out into the sun. If felt nice, and even better that I was alone with my fiancé. I stood right next to him with a smile that I couldn’t wipe off my face. I don’t think I would have for all the money in the world. “Alicia had a good point,” I said. Gerard looked at me, question in his eyes as to ask me what I meant. “Especially if our parents aren’t going to be there, they deserve to know.” Something in my mind click, and I realized I’d never met Gerard and Mikey’s parents. Then again, they hadn’t met mine either.

“We’re going to have to tell them eventually, right?” I nodded. The sad part was that I really didn’t want to disappoint my parents by marrying someone before introducing him to them. They were going to have to meet Gerard somehow before we got married, which only made our ‘little’ wedding seem more like the ‘big’ wedding we were avoiding. I sighed.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll get our parents out here to fix it all. We’ll be back in Jersey soon enough, and I promise we’ll get our parents here.” It did make me feel a bit better, especially since I could only start to imagine the way my mother would react if I got married without telling her or letting her meet my fiancé. First of all, that wasn’t even fair. So I nodded and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, almost subconsciously checking to see if my parents had called me. They usually didn’t while I was on tour, but at this point I wanted them too.

***********

I was going to freak out. Somehow, Gerard and Alicia had managed to get both Mr. & Mrs. Way and my parents out on the same night, meaning there was twice the impressions that needed to be made. I was sure my head was going to explode, or implode, whichever happened first! Running around my bus, I had four people laughing their heads off at me. That was four out of five people sitting in the front area of the bus. Thankfully, the only one with enough dignity and respect (Gerard) stayed quiet, just smiling lightly as I ran frantically through my suitcase, trying to find something semi-impressive to wear. I knew my parents wouldn’t care, but I didn’t even know Gerard’s parents to make the same assumption!

“Linds, you look perfect in what you’re already wearing.” Did I, or was it just Gerard saying that? I was, at that moment, wearing a black poofy-armed collard shirt that buttoned down the front, a black and gray plaid skirt, some black floral leggings and a pair of combat Doc Martins. His parents would just think I was the goth chick straight out of the Eagle Academy.

I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t be so sure. I look like I just came straight out of Gothic Weekly.” Gerard rolled his eyes, came over to my suit case, and pulled out another outfit. It was definitely a lot simpler than the one I was wearing. He’d picked out my jean jacket that said SNIPPER on the one side of the collar, a black and white striped tank top, and a pair of skinny jeans. “Keep the boots though. I like ‘em.” He winked then and stood up, handing me the outfit before returning to the couch. Even though I knew boots, especially Doc Martins didn’t really go with skinny jeans, I was keeping them the way he wanted me too.

I took the outfit with me into the bathroom and changed, deciding that leaving my hair down went better with my jacket than putting my hair in piggy tails would. I re-applied some lipstick and sighed. It wasn’t good enough for me, but I knew Gerard would differ, beg or no begging. I sighed and opened the bathroom door before stuffing my first outfit into my suitcase. Everyone was gone, Jimmy, Steve, Kitty, and Alicia that is. Gerard was still on the couch, looking right at me as I walked over and sat next to him. He put his arm around me, checked the time, and sighed. “We only have a little while before we have to leave, Linds.” Well that didn’t settle my nerves at all! I dug my head into his shoulder and ignored the way my stomach did a quite unpleasant flip.

For a little while, I’d almost talked myself into believing this was all a dream. I almost wished it was. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about meeting and impressing Gerard’s parents only days after thinking that they needed to meet me before I could marry their oldest son. If that wish would come true, and I knew better than to think it would, I wouldn’t be with Gerard. Through my nerves, I knew he was worth it. I felt it in every fiber of my body, even when he stood up, sighed, and held his hand out for me. “It’s now or never, babe.” The sad truth about that was that his statement was the whole and complete truth. I knew my hands were going to start shaking, and that would only make my impression even worse than I’d been expecting. But Gerard chuckle and held me close. “Stop your worrying; my parents will absolutely adore you!”

Maybe I just needed to think of this like I was meeting Gerard and Mikey all over again. Well, that situation hadn’t been a complete disaster, obviously since Gerard was now my fiancé and Mikey was my soon-to-be brother-in-law. I wanted to pass out.

We moved off my bus and around, finding the rental car Alicia had booked (because she knew how fucking nervous I was from personal experience) and sliding in, Gerard in the driver’s seat and me in the passenger seat. I could feel my palms sweating, and all of the sudden I just wanted to get out of the car, call everything off, and go to sleep for the rest of my existence. I never, never got this nervous, so why was I letting myself get like that? I’d already told myself, and knew that it was the truth, that Gerard was so worth all of this. Why was I so nervous? It might have been that it wasn’t just my parents that Gerard was meeting, but it was my parents that Gerard’s parents were meeting. I sighed and rested my head against the cool window. Gerard took my hand, not saying anything about its unnecessary warmth or precipitation. I closed my eyes and tried to think about things that wouldn’t make me even more nervous than I was.

There was one thing that helped. I remembered the night Gerard and I sat under…well, laid under the stars. That was the night everything blew up; it was the night he’d asked me to marry him. Oh yes, all of this…even the rushing into it, which was kind of my style, was all worth meeting his parents, and him meeting mine. Oh, and his meeting mine. Because…through it all, even if nothing worked out and I ended up heartbroken (wouldn’t be the first time), I would always have that night. I would always be able to think back and realize that, at one point, Gerard Arthur Way had loved me enough to want to marry me. At that point, in that dinky car that took us away from the tour and the busses and everyone we’d lived with for the past couple of months, he still did. That was probably my saving grace, as it calmed me down to the point of not wanting to hyperventilate. I felt better, and my stomach had stopped doing gymnastics. But then we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant, and I spotted my parent’s car not far from the entrance. Now or never didn’t cover half of the situation.