Been Here the Whole Time

With every passing day, I was closer and closer to being Mrs. Gerard Way. Or even better, Mrs. Lindsey Ann Way. Though that thought made me insanely happy, it also brought on the real fact that we still had yet to tell everyone besides Alicia and our parents. I could say it was as simple as just…avoiding to tell them until the right moment, but cheesiness was Gerard’s thing most of the time. I just had to hold my breath and decide when a good time was to tell everyone, especially since Gerard kept telling me we’d know when that time was. Too me, it wasn’t all that much a matter of when, but how we were going to get everyone together at once to tell them all.

Getting seven people in one room, not to mention myself, Alicia, and Gerard, was harder than it sounded. Every time I would freak out about it, like now, Gerard would just take my hand, like he was now, make me stop and think about it, and make me realize that we wouldn’t wait until the day of to tell everyone. I had to keep letting myself fall for his words, his actions, his kisses that made the whole world seem better. I wasn’t usually the kind of girl that relied on men to make the world seem better, but with Gerard I guess I just felt safe enough to be that way for once. And honestly, it felt nice to rely on Gee the way I did.

The way he held my hand, held any part of me, made me just want to sit around and be safe with him forever. Even when I was nervous, like I was at that moment (though not nearly as nervous as I’d been when I had to meet Don and Donna), Gerard’s touch always made me feel a little better in the least. So I sat in the dressing room, holding Gerard’s hand with one of mine, while the other sit elbow-to-knee with my leg that was crossed over the other. I was dressed and ready for my set, but I wanted to get the news out before I went on stage, hoping my nervousness would wear off if I just let it all out. Gerard thought it would, and support like that only made me need to tell everyone even worse.

So far, we’d managed to get Mikey, Alicia (who was bouncing like a freaking five year old, letting Mikey know she knew what we were going to announce and totally ruining the fact that he wasn’t supposed to know she knew), Jimmy, Kitty, and Ray. That was five out of eight, which left Bob, Frank, and Steve out and about somewhere. I’d tried calling them about eight times each, but none of them wanted to pick up their fucking phones.

“We really have to wait for them?” I could tell Jimmy was anxious. I sighed and nodded, mostly because I felt the same way he did, only with about ten times as much nervousness as he was feeling. Finally, one of the three missing guys walked in: Steve. Good, my whole band was in tact. It was just Frank and his fairy princess we were waiting on now. I sighed as Steve took a seat, only to have Gerard just roll his eyes with a playful smile adorning his face. I sighed way too much, obviously, and he thought I was freaking out over nothing again.

“I came to sit and watch you freak out, Linds?” Steve took a seat next to Jimmy before I slightly glared at him. I really didn’t need him asking me stupid questions at that moment. I stood up and looked at Gee, hoping he wouldn’t care with what I was about to say.

“You can tell them later, let’s get this over with so I don’t explode already!” Gee smiled still, just as I saw Frank and Bob sneak in. I turned around and sighed a, “Finally!” before having my hand taken into Gerard’s again. “Now that everyone’s here, we can get this done and past us!”

“So guys, we have some really huge news that we hope you aren’t going to be mad about.” What a way to be subtle, Gee. Alicia stood up, but I glared at her with enough of my energy that she sat back down and sighed, rolling her eyes in the fashion that told me I’d ruined her fun. But I wasn’t about to let her tell everyone that didn’t know that I was marrying her brother-in-law. That was my job, thank you very much.

“So get the fuck on with it!” Jimmy was so impatient sometimes. I glared at him too, but he just smirked as if he’d done nothing wrong. Asshole.

“Gerard and I are getting married!” I said. It felt like half of the weight on my shoulders lifted, but I knew how lifting the other half of the weight would have to happen. But I knew Gerard wanted to say some part of the news, so I was leaving that much to him. And he was able to pick up on just that fast enough before any of our friends could get up and try to congratulate us.

“On the last day of the tour.” Again, being subtle. I almost closed my eyes, but Alicia stood up and prevented me from fearing what anyone else had to say. Kitty sat up, but didn’t say anything at first, but as expected Frank jumped up and nearly knocked Gerard down. I would have smiled had I not been anticipating everyone else’s reactions. Kitty stood up and walked over to me, a small smile on her face. She said, “You don’t look half as excited about this as Frank does.” She had a point with her statement too, since Frank wasn’t even the one getting married. I just shrugged.

“I’m nervous. You know me,” I said. She nodded, then brought me into a hug. That was three down, since I already knew what Alicia thought of this, five to go. Kitty whispered in my ear, “I had a feeling this was all about you two getting married….finally. Hate to say I told you so, but I told you so!” I giggled and nodded as she pulled away, almost awkwardly taking her seat again. After all, Kitty had been the one telling me not to give up on Gee when he was dating it, she’d been the one there all along telling me he really did like me more than I thought. She was right. And she had every right to gloat as much as she wanted as far as I could see.

Without me expecting it (and it was pretty wrong to not expect this), Frank took his turn nearly knocking me to the floor. I did giggle then, catching my balance as best I could. “This is great news! I don’t care when, where, or under what circumstances, this is amazing!” Glad to hear he was happy about it, I kissed Frank’s cheek before he did the same to mine and ran away like the little boy he was at heart. That kid seriously was too cute sometimes.

Jimmy surprised me by going over to Gerard first. I was occupied though, as Mikey finally got up and didn’t even say anything before he hugged me. He let out a shaky breath, like he’d been holding it in the whole time. “I was so scared it was going to be something life-threatening, Lindsey. But I’m so glad my brother’s found a woman like you, someone that I can trust won’t hurt him.” I smiled and held onto Mikey like he as my new puppy rather my soon-to-be brother-in-law. His acceptance of the whole thing made everything so much lighter, so much easier for me honestly. I almost wanted to cry.

“Thanks, Mikey.” He let go, but smiled at me before heading over to Alicia. I could hear her say to him that she knew about this before he did, but he just rolled his eyes and followed her out of the room. Once everyone was gone, Gerard moved closer to me and held my hands again, a small smile on his gorgeous face. He kissed me before asking, “Feel better?” I sighed and nodded. “Like you have no idea, Gee.” He just let out a small chuckle and kissed my forehead before starting to turn, never letting go of one of my hands. He pulled me around the corner, back towards the stage. We stopped right behind the wall that separated the stage from back stage and just kind of….stood there. It wasn’t awkward, nothing ever was when I was with Gerard.

“You realize that in a few weeks, we’ll be standing here, getting married and being Mr. and Mrs. Way?” Although there were two other Mr. and Mrs. Ways that I could name off the top of my head, I just blushed and nodded, a huge smile spreading across my mouth.

“I realize that, in a few weeks, I’m going to be married to the most amazing man on the planet.” I thought Gerard was going to cry. He cupped my face with one hand and nearly smashed his lips onto mine, giving me a kiss full of emotion and passion. I smiled into it and loosely wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands moved to my waist, holding me as close as possible. I felt so warm and safe in his arms, and I knew we were making the right choices to get married, and in such a hurried, small union. When I was with Gee, everything just felt right. The world was at peace, or as much as it could be anyway (depending on the situation, as you’ve seen before).

When he pulled away, I just relaxed in his arms. “And in a few weeks, I’ll be married to the most wonderful, gorgeous, greatest woman ever to be created by anyone.” I blushed again and smiled, loving the way his compliments felt. His arms shifted into a hug, and I just embraced him back. Everything about Gerard made my whole life better, and I couldn’t wait to marry him already. It was like…I was being tortured because we were waiting for the last day of tour. But then Gee’s face turned towards my neck and kissed my skin, and I heard him whisper. “I love you so much Lindsey.”

I felt like I was flying, honestly. Cloud nine was way behind where Gerard and I were, and it had been for some time by then. It was like Cloud nine had just been our first step. Did that make us on Cloud eighty-nine now? More likely than just cloud nine.

***

Nightmares fucking sucked. But they usually inspired my art, which in the end didn’t make them half as bad as I made them sound. I kept having this nightmare where everything was golden, like the eggs from the goose in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Everything was golden, and at first I always think that’s a good thing. But then the black comes in. Lately, I’d been dreaming in colors, which only made me feel like something even worse was going to happen, even though everyone that I told only insisted I was just nervous. But it wasn’t like I was having a big wedding to be nervous about. Maybe there was some underlying detail I’d looked over that was making me feel jittery in my sleep. Was that even possible?

The day before we were getting married, well the night anyway, was the worst. Alicia insisted we stay on our own busses, and even threatened to camp out on mine to make sure I didn’t try to escape and go see Gerard, and honestly that made the whole situation worse. When I woke up, I took one look at the time on my watch that had been sitting in its usual place (next to my pillow), and freaked. I was asleep, it was noon, and I had to get to sound check and eat lunch at the same time now, all without seeing Gerard in any way, shape or form. Alicia was really into the “It’s bad luck” thing. But all I wanted was to be with him, to be in his arms and have him tell me that my nightmares meant nothing. They hadn’t before, so why was I so paranoid now?

I had to get up though, so I pushed myself off the bunk and realized that at the end of the day, I was going to be married to the most wonderful, inspirational man I’d ever met. Besides my daddy, of course. That thought made me smile through the feelings of uncertainty that came with my nightmares, and as I picked out my outfit for the day, I couldn’t help but sigh to myself in some kind of dreamy way.

James came through the bunks then and slapped my ass, which I knew was just for good luck. He liked to pretend that we could do that to each other because football players did, but I always told him the same thing. “Take the fuckin’ cleats off already!” He chuckled and shook his head as he left the bus, and I leaned over to get some clothes. I didn’t know what the hell to wear, but I knew whatever it was, Gerard wouldn’t care. Before I could even think about it though, my phone dinged with the particular ring that told me I had a text. So I pulled it out and checked, smiling even wider when I saw that the text was from the one person that always knew how to calm my nerves.

‘Stop worrying. The day’ll be over before you know it and we’ll be on our way home.’ I didn’t know where home was to him, but I didn’t care. All I knew and cared about was the fact that he was right, yet again, and that the day was going to end before I could blink and I was going to be his wife, and we were going home to vacation for a short honey moon before another tour. It wasn’t much, but we weren’t expecting anything more or less.

I quickly replied to Gerard and went back to picking out my clothes, finally settling on some jeans and a black and white elbow-sleeve shirt. After I was dressed, I sighed and put my pajamas away, and walked off the bus, secretly looking around for Gerard. If I knew Alicia though, and I did, she had spies all around that would keep me from my fiancé until the moment we got married. I’d just have to deal with it. So when Kitty came right up to me, and rolled my eyes. She just sighed. “She’s determined, what can I say?” she asked, though it was definitely one of those almost sarcastic kind of things. Kitty just ignored my eye roll and linked her arm through mine, and I smiled. She was one of my best friends for a reason.

“You know where he is?” I asked. Kitty nodded and shrugged at the same time, almost confusing me in the process. She said, “Not allowed to tell you where though. Al’s got him on a tight leash that won’t be released until tonight.” I knew it. Either I was psychic (o), or I just knew Alicia too well. I sighed and let Kitty take me wherever it was she was going to take me. It was no where near Gerard’s bus, so I knew her and Al had made sure to stray me from any temptations.

Throughout the whole day, my hands shook and sweated, dried up and stilled, and repeated. When I was on stage, I was so focused on playing that I almost fell over a few times. Steve had been not to far away from me or always had his eye on me to make sure I didn’t hurt myself, but I kept a strong smile on my face the whole set. The reason? I could see Gerard hiding with his hood up and glasses on from the side of the stage, but before I could run off the stage to him, I could see him at least a yard away, being tugged along behind Alicia. All day she’d been two, maybe four steps ahead of me, and it was starting to get slightly annoying. Well, until my mind was completely freaked out.

There was no aisle for me to walk down, but rather just a small hallway with our makeshift priest at the end. I could see everything from where I was, and what I saw was Gerard at the end with Alicia on the side I’d be standing any minute now. I hadn’t known what to wear, but decided on a quarter red-sleeved shirt and jeans, along with my favorite lucky pair of boots, hoping it would be enough. As I looked down at Gerard in his jean jacket he held so dear, a pair of matching jeans, and a simple t-shirt with a pair of glasses sitting on his head, I was able to sigh. His simple attire made me feel like me was suitable for our wedding.

Kitty took my shoulder in her hand so I would turn around and look at her. She smiled and nodded, and I knew it was now or never. I would either walk down that aisle and become Mrs. Gerard Way, or I would walk away and break more than two hearts. Well, there was no way I was going to let the time I’d been so in love with Gerard, whether he’d known it or not, go to waste. I’d feel like a failure then, instead of the exciting nervous I was experiencing as I stared between Kitty and Gerard, then back. My mind raced, but only towards one thought. At the end of this hall, I was going to face my fate and marry the man I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with, no matter what. I’d hoped this day would come some day, but I’d never imagined time would move so fast until then.

There was no room to complain though, because I took the first steps down the hall then with a huge smile on my face, towards the one person I was always going to trust with my heart.