Been Here the Whole Time

It was late by the time I’d gone home. My lonely apartment was empty, but filled as soon as Gerard and I stepped in. Yes, he’d asked to come back to my place because of the late hour, and I couldn’t sit there and tell him to drive back into New Jersey at the time that it had been (not that I would anyway). I turned around after putting my finally-dry sweatshirt on the random chair next to my door, smiling at Gerard in the dim light of the apartment.

If you couldn’t tell that was envious of Chantal and Jimmy, you’ll know now. They have a house, not an apartment, and they have each other. What do I have? I have myself, my apartment, and my bass playing. And at my age, that wasn’t enough. I was starting to loose faith in just about anything that I didn’t have, everything that I was starting to feel I wouldn’t ever have. They have what they wanted out of each other besides a baby.

But anyway, I noticed as soon as I looked at him that Gerard was smiling at me. It almost looked like he wanted to get closer to me, to hold me even for a few seconds, but he didn’t. He should have, but he didn’t. Instead, Gerard just stood there and smiled at me before I spoke up with, “I’ll go get you some blankets.” I turned around and headed for the small supply closet just outside my bedroom where I kept extra linens incase something-or someone-like this happened. And as I made my way across the small living room/dinning room/kitchen area, I almost wished Gerard would reach out, grab my wrist, and pull me back to him to take complete advantage of me.

But I knew better, and so the dream dwindled quickly. I pulled down two really big blankets and brought them over to the couch, setting them down on the farthest end of the cushions from my room. When I looked up, I was almost shocked to see Gerard so close to me. But I didn’t mind it, and I wasn’t going to tell him to back off if he didn’t want to. He’d confessed earlier that him and it were having some relationship troubles, though it was nothing to get too worried about (pssh, worried would be the last thing I would be!). So if Gerard wanted to be close to me, I’d let him be.

“Thanks again, Linds. Letting me stay here…it’s something I appreciate.” His smile hadn’t faded as he got closer to me still, and I felt really happy just knowing that smile was for me and me alone. Because of that, I couldn’t help but smile back. So I stood there like a fool with a smile making its way across my face until Gee finally stopped moving towards me. Although that made it easier for me to hold myself back from jumping on him, it also made me want him to move closer even more. Instead, I chose to be a good girl and just smiled and nodded at him.

“It’s no problem at all, Gee. You know I’d let you stay whenever you wanted to, and you’re always welcome over.” I pushed my arms behind my back and held them there by taking one wrist in a hand. It was an attempt to keep myself under control, and it seemed to work thus far. Gerard then took one step closer to me and kept eye contact, and I was almost convinced he was going to reach out and touch me, but when he didn't I fell a bit flat and sighed. "I'm gonna hit the sack. Night, Gerard."

I turned to walk towards my bedroom before hearing him respond softly with, "Good night, Lindsey." A smile found it's way across my lips, one that was bigger than any of the smiles I'd shown Gerard all night.

I headed into my bathroom and got out of the dry clothes that had taken all this time to get that way, turned the shower on, and got in. I sighed to myself in agony; the man I was so horribly struck by was spending the night, but he wasn't staying in my bed with me. And....as far as I knew, he wasn't even interested in me like that, as much as it pained me to come to terms with. That left me two options: slut myself up to be like his current bimbo (even though that'd be highly doubtful for me to do; I wasn't one to compromise who I was for anyone) or give up and move on. The latter choice just seemed harder, and more painful.

With my thinking done and my shower over, I stood in my bathroom with my pink towel wrapped around me and contemplated going out into the living room and seducing him into seeing me and my feelings the way I wanted him to. But after I considered it, the idea sounded just like a hot mess rather than a clever plan to get the man I wanted. “Lindsey, you’re crazy. Ger a boyfriend, get a life, but whatever you do you won’t be getting what you want.” Yes, my mother hated that saying.

I sighed again and moved into my bedroom, not caring if the door was open, if Gerard was awake, or if he was sneaking a peek at my nakedness. It didn’t matter; I was just going to put on some underwear and slip into some pajamas. That's just what I did before slipping into bed and falling asleep.