Been Here the Whole Time

The sun on my face was like hell. It was waking me up from a dream involving me, Sid Vicious, and Johnny Ramone in a very dark, very sultry room, and it was making my head split in two. But I sighed through the pain and threw my blanket back before sitting up slowly. The blue walls of my room were in bright contrast of everything else (my horror movies, books and toys; my music collection, along with my art collection), and it just made my headache worse. If looking at my paintings didn’t cure my headache it was a sign that I needed coffee.

I headed out of the bedroom to find Gerard at the counter that separated the kitchen from my living room, and it looked like he’d found my coffee stash and was attempting to work my coffee maker. I smiled, though my head was protesting anything more than the thought of coffee at the moment. “Good morning, Signorina Ballato,” he said, using his fancy Italian to make my heart melt. My smile widened as he handed me a mug filled with steaming, tasty-smelling liquid. Somehow, I’d missed that he’d already taken out the sugar and milk from my cabinets and refrigerator, but as soon as I took notice of the additives, I didn’t hesitate to fill the rest of my mug with them.

“Morning, Gerard.” As far as I could hear, there was nothing in my voice but sleepiness and aggravation over my headache. And so, I took a sip of my coffee and looked up at Gerard. What surprised me was that his starring at me was the equivalent of his pacing towards me from the previous night. Though I wasn’t complaining, I was beginning to wonder if he was just checking me out and trying to read what I was about or if he was just plain checking me out and hesitating to take me where I was. So, to keep myself from contemplating too much I asked him, “How did you sleep?”

He smiled at me and picked up his coffee mug before answering. “Greatly, thank you. The blankets helped keep me nice and warm, and I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this but your couch smells amazing!”

I smiled and nodded, because in fact Gerard had told me every time he’d staid over that my couch smelled nice. It was weird, but the only explanation I could come up with was that he liked the way I smelled, since I spent most (if not all) of my time in the house either cooped up in my bedroom or on the couch. Whatever his real reason was for telling me he liked the way my furniture smelled, I wasn’t going to complain.

“What time do you think you need a ride back to Jimmy’s?” I asked. Seeing as Gee had left his car at Jimmy and Chantal’s house, he was going to need to go back to get it and head back into Jersey. But by the look on his face, by the way that he was still starring at me, it seemed like he didn’t want to go back home to the bimbo, his brother, and his band.

He shrugged and looked down at his coffee, and instantly I missed his eyes on me. Maybe if he looked at me a little bit longer, a little bit harder, he’d see that I just wanted him to be happy with me. Really, I wanted him to be happy no matter what, but I couldn’t help but selfishly think that I could be the one to make him happy like that. Maybe he’d see that if he looked at me the way I wanted him to; the way Kitty insists I look at him like.

"Later. I'd rather hang around here for a while; I really don't wanna go back there to face her wrath just yet." He kept looking at his coffee and I could tell he was sad. He didn't like the way she was treating him, and it was probably the whore was pregnant with another man's baby. She just wouldn't admit it to Gerard's face because she'd do anything to have her cake and eat it too.

So I nodded and reached out to hold his hand under mine. His cool, pale hand matched mine perfectly as if they were made to be that way. Why I was the only one out of the two of us that could see that, I didn't know. Maybe I was just.....seeing it to make myself think I actually had a chance with him. "Stay as long as you want, Gee. Like I said last night, you're always welcome here."

He smiled, still looking down but slowly making his head lift to look at me. "You're an angel, Lindsey. Did it hurt?” he asked. Wow, was he really using a cheesy pick up line on me, someone who wasn’t his girlfriend? Whatever he was doing, it made me smile and giggle.

“It musta hurt my mom, but I’m fine!” At that, we both laughed. Until I realized my hand was still on top of his, when I stopped laughing and pulled my hand away. “She says it was worth it, but lately I’ve been questioning that. I feel like I’m in high school again.”

Gerard’s eye brows raised, and he headed around the counter to me. He turned my stool around so I was facing him but kept his hands on both sides of my legs. His tantalizing smell was so close, and I just wanted to lean in and kiss him before he started talking. Too late. “Lindsey, you have nothing to be ashamed of. If this is because of your age, lemme tell you that I seriously can’t believe you’re just as old as I am. You’re a beautiful, youthful woman, and there is no reason you should think that just because your thirty means you’re not going to find that one man you want to spend the rest of your life with!”

No, because the reason I think I’m not going to find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with already has a girlfriend that cheats on him. Just because I was thirty didn't mean I couldn't date, but the fact that the only man I wanted to date was already taken had me feeling hopeless, like I would never bring my mom what she wanted most from me: grandchildren.

"Thank you, but that's not it. I'm just starting to feel lonely and jealous, and I'm afraid that I'm going to be the girl I was in high school just so I won't feel that way. Fuck age; it's just a number." A number that could get me arrested, but I wasn't exactly into sixteen-year-olds that just want to be like Gerard's bimbo. I wasn't that desperate.

"You're jealous of Jimmy and Chantal?" he asked. I sighed and shook my head.

"Kind of. I'm like...the only one besides Kitty that doesn't have anyone. I just get lonely all cooped up here by myself, and I start to wonder if there really is anyone out there for me." Of course there was; he was standing right in front of me with his hands on either side of me. But one of us was blind; if it was me it was because I was too blind to see Gerard and I weren't meant to be together, and if it was him it was because Gerard was to blind to see that he belonged with me.

“Well, I’m here. You’re not cooped up alone. Maybe a movie will make this better?” he asked. Well, he didn’t have to offer twice as a movie was a great excuse for cuddling really close to Gee with junk food and something we can bond over playing on the small screen of my television. It was another reason for me to be with Gerard longer than particularly needed. So I nodded before he lifted me by the wrists off the stool before picking up our mugs and leading the way to the couch. “Rocky Horror?”

I smiled and nodded. “Definitely!”