Been Here the Whole Time

“See ya later, Lindsey!”

I waved with a smile on my face as Gerard slipped into his car and pulled out of the driveway. Once he was far enough away, Kitty headed towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Dude, you need to get laid.” I groaned and turned around, heading back up into Chantal and Jimmy’s house. I didn’t have to get laid; I wasn’t a frigid bitch…..yet.

Sighing, I found my coat and looked around until I found Chantal. “I’ll see you later, red!” I said to her before heading back outside to my car. Jimmy was upstairs with Steve, and when I went back outside, Kitty was standing against my car in her usual black dress and a pair of flats. She smiled as I made my way to the driver’s seat and threw my coat inside.

“You’re so stuck on him, Linz. There’s absolutely no way you can deny that; he doesn’t see it because he’s still with that bitch.” Although I knew she was right, I didn’t make a move. I just kind of stood there with the door open and my arm propped up on it, an almost sad look on my face. Kitty sighed and turned around to lean on the door the way that I was, just on the opposite side.

“Lindsey Ann Ballato, listen to me! That boy is too blind to notice you, and so there is no reason for you to be sulking right now. You might be stuck on him, but I see the way he looks at you. Chantal sees it, Jimmy sees it, and Steve sees it! He wants you, even if he won’t admit it himself. Even when he brings her here with him, he looks at you like he wouldn’t dare look at her. Eventually, when he finds out she’s fucking other guys, he’ll come running to you and realize that he’s head over heels.”

I sighed and looked into her eyes. “Kitty, what if that happens and it’s too late? What if he waits until some….weird disease gets the best of me? I already had to go through a collapsed lung, so what’s next? Explosive appendicitis?”

With that, my friend burst out laughing and nearly hit her face on the window of my car door. When she calmed herself a few seconds later, she stood back up and shook her head. “Just because you had a collapsed lung doesn’t mean you’re going to die, Linz. You survived, didn’t you? You’re a strong woman, and if Gerard doesn’t see that than he’s blinder than I thought!”

I sighed and shook my head, sliding into my car before looking back up at Kitty and closing the door to turn the car on. She smiled at me as I pulled the car out of the driveway and headed down the street back to my place, even though I had a few things to do and places to go in the opposite direction. I was going to take the long way, since I suddenly felt so horrible for letting Gee get away again.

I couldn’t keep thinking about him though. I had my own life, my own things to get done, and…..maybe even my own cat? No; everyone I knew knows I don’t have a cat, but that I just wish I did. But whatever, the point was that I needed to start doing things that didn’t make me think of the only man that I wanted, even if he was the only man I could think about. I’m so screwed in the head.

I turned the radio on and laughed a bit at what the DJ was saying, even though I was only paying half of my attention to him. I did happen to catch the bit about the up coming Project Revolution tour, on which both Mindless and My Chem were playing. It would be the most amazing opportunity to have Gerard realize that……his little whore was just that (a whore) and that I could make and keep him so much happier than she ever could. And there I go again with thinking about him.

When I pulled into the grocery store parking lot, I hesitated to get out. I just kind of sat there in my car and stared at my steering wheel, trying to figure out what to think about that wouldn’t end with me having trailing thoughts back to Gerard. Soon enough, I’d be legally obsessed with him and eventually he’d get a fucking restraining order on me-and suddenly I felt like Katherine Hiegle in 27 Dresses. She was so in love with her boss, but he ended up with her sister! With that thought, I felt almost heart broken. That wouldn’t happen to me…would it?

Finally, I just thought, Fuck it! and got out of the car, nearly marching myself up to the store. My heels clicked as I did so, and I was glad I had something to concentrate on. I counted my footsteps as I moved across the parking lot, taking big steps to get there faster so my mind could be occupied with the food I was going to need. And finally, I was safely inside and ready to search for what I needed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Making my way into my apartment, I sighed and pushed my groceries onto the counter before putting both my small purse and sweater on the couch. As usual, everything was still and quiet, and although it was good to do whatever the hell I wanted, it was both creepy and lonesome to not have Gerard here. I missed his presence, and I miss the way he'd looked at me that morning. But I understood his need to go back home; he needed to get clean and comfortable before trekking out on the tour.

So I turned around and headed into the kitchen area, putting my groceries away before heading into my bathroom to freshen up. Maybe tonight, I'd go out and flirt a bit, or maybe I'd just sit at home like I usually did. Either way, I did need to do something that didn't involve thinking about Gerard, didn't involve wanting him here.

Maybe I just needed a drink.