We've Learned to Run from Anything Uncomfortable

Friday, June 10th. 1:43 pm
I sat in my room, impatiently waiting for at least a phone call from Oli. I hadn't talked to him since last night. I can't get this sinking feeling out of my mind that I scared him away, telling him that I killed Derek and talking about how I was into heroin.

He probably thinks I'm some turbo slut just trying to get with him because he's good looking. I knew that being honest was a bad idea. Every time I try being honest with someone and actually trusting them to the point where I'm comfortable spilling my secrets to them, they end up looking at me like I'm fucking nuts and just ignoring me.

Which, I'm guessing Oli finally came to his senses, realizing that I really am the biggest piece of shit to walk the face of the Earth, and that every rumor that he'd heard had at least some truth to it, no matter how twisted and turned it was once it got back to him.

And I hate myself for not telling him how much he really means to me. I was supposed to do that last night. I had it all planned out. But, once I managed to get to his house, the only thing I could think about was kissing him, and the only thing that happened to be on his mind was reminding me every ten seconds about how great I was.

I've never been as close to someone as I've grown to be with Oli. He's the only person that knows basically everything about me. He's also the only person that I haven't lied to continuously. When I'm with him, I can't keep myself from smiling. Even if he's not trying to make me laugh, I just get this feeling in my stomach that makes my whole body feel weightless, and I feel like I'm floating above everyone else. I can hardly get my words out when I'm around him, because every time I try talking, I get so excited that I'm with him, it's hard to speak.

I'm just waiting for something horrible to happen, because I know that this is all too good to even be close to true. I know that something has to go wrong. I'm never allowed to be happy and not deal with consequences.

I feel horrible for even thinking that about Oli. I know that he's genuine and he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally, but the more I think about it, the more that I realize he knows a lot more about me than I do him.

Which doesn't give me any type of excuse to think that he would do something to hurt me. But, again. I can't get that feeling to go away. It's like when you know that you're getting sick, and you try to ignore that stabbing pain in your side, the stuffy feeling in your nose, and the sore throat you get when you talk, you still know you're getting sick. You know that you're going to be sick, and no matter how hard you try to ignore it, it just won't go away.

I'm probably just being completely over dramatic about this whole entire thing. Even if he was set out to 'hurt' me, the worst thing he could do to me is hook up with some other girl at school or something.

I highly doubt that Oli would do that though, seeing as how he spent a good two or three weeks at our high school, and he didn't take hold of the girls practically getting on their knees in the middle of the hall way.

Nonetheless, I am scared. This new found emotion is scaring the living shit out of me, and it's hard to keep to myself anymore. I find myself actually wanting to tell Oli about how I'm feeling. I have this crazy urge to just pick up the phone and call him right this second. I want to spill my heart out to him and tell him what he does to me with I'm with him, how my heart flutters against my ribcage, and my knees grow weak when he barely touches me.

How, when he kissed me yesterday, my head spun until I could hardly breathe and my skin grew to an astounding temperature under his touch. I felt so stupid, panting after he kissed me, but he literally took my breath away. It felt as if he captured it in his hands and held onto it. I wouldn't be surprised if he stuck it in a glass vile and corked it. That's how out of breath I was.

I haven't kissed anyone in well over a year and a half, courtesy of me hiding from everyone and being too scared to trust anyone. Not only had I forgot what it felt like to kiss someone, I had absolutely no idea it could make me feel like that. It's like Oli had this key and he just unlocked a million tiny emotions inside of me and I can't keep them from spilling over the side.

And still, I grip the phone tightly in my hand. It's now coming to about two o'clock in the afternoon and still nothing from Oli. Absolutely nothing.

I stayed in my bedroom all day today, trying to keep away from Marsha and Marilyn. It wasn't so much of the fact that I felt guilty that they were drowning me in birthday gifts, but I just wanted to spend my birthday with Oli. That's all I wanted to do today, and it seems like that's the only thing that isn't going to be happening today.

A slight rap came at my bedroom door and I watched as Marilyn's face appeared. She slowly walked over to my bed and sat down next to me, "Sam sweetie, it's your birthday. Don't be sad."

"I'm not trying to be." I smiled sadly, "I just really want Oli here."

"Well, why don't you try giving him a call? I'm sure he's just sleeping or something."

I nodded slightly, picking up the phone and locating Oli's number on the caller ID. I pressed 'talk' and brought the phone up to my ear.

“’Ello?” His Aunt Lynn answered sadly.

I cleared my throat, “Hi, is Oli there?”

“Oi, is this Sammeh?” She asked.

“Yeah..”

“I need yeh teh come over ‘ere Doll.”

The tone of her voice sent icicles forming on my back. I felt them starting to melt as I wrapped a jacket around my body and dashed down the stairs to ask Marsha for a ride to Oli’s. Something was wrong. I could tell by the sound of Lynn’s voice.

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I arrived at Oli’s house. I stumbled out of the car, not bothering to tell Marsha when I was coming home or how I was getting there. I scraped my bare foot on a rock as I made my way to the big, oak door. Oli’s car rested in the driveway, the sun pile driving into the windshield, casting a shadow on the front seat of his car.

I noticed how clean it was, and my stomach sunk a little bit. Oli’s car was never clean. It was always littered with cigarette wrappers and soda cups. His books weren’t in the backseat, and his dashboard was no longer covered in burned Cds.

I rang the door bell persistently. The door swung open to reveal a red faced, very sorry looking Lynn. I felt my heart drop into my feet as I took in the look on her face. I couldn’t come up with any conclusions and I was scared.

“Lynn?” I asked, as she turned around and motioned for me to follow to the kitchen table. I took a seat, “What happened to Oli? Is he okay?”

“Sammeh, Dear. ‘M so sorreh tha’ I ‘ave teh tell yeh this.” She sighed and pushed some hair from her face, “Olleh’s left.”

My throat hurt. My stomach did cartwheels. My chest heaved. I couldn’t breathe. My whole entire body shut down as I formed words to make a sentence, “Left where?”

“’E went back ‘ome.”

“No.” I stated, “No.”

I stood up from the table as tears made my eyes sting. I clutched my head, almost looking like I was nursing a rough hang over. I clenched my eyes together and bit my tongue.

“Sam, sit down. Please.”

“No!” I cried removing my hands from my eyes and becoming hysterical, “Is this some kind of fucked up joke? Huh? You think this is fucking funny?”

I suddenly felt bad, for Lynn’s face had gone completely white. I felt guilty for talking like that in front of her, for treating her so harshly, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. I hurt too bad to even think about trying to keep myself in check.

She stood up and took my shaking body into her arms, pulling my head down against her shoulder and rocking me like the baby I was being, “Sammeh Doll. It wasn’t ‘is fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. ‘Is mum wanted ‘im ‘ome. He tried telling’ yeh last nigh’, but he couldn’t bring himself teh do it. ‘E jus’ felt so ‘orrible about’ the whole thing. ‘E came home a mess, he couldn’t stop 'imself from cryin' and he didn’t get one wink of sleep last night. I’ve never seen Olleh ‘urt so bad.”

I couldn’t move. I only continued to cry. I felt Lynn move her feet, dragging me with her where she lightly pushed me into a spot on the couch.

“Come to think of it,” She paused, sitting down in front of me, “I ain’t even seen two people ‘urt so bad. Yeh look broken Sammeh.”

I played with the cuff of my sweat shirt and wiped away tears with the other sleeve. My nose stung, causing my eyes to water even more. I was broken.

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

“’E couldn’ Sam. Olleh knew yeh’d ‘ate him forever.”

“I don’t hate him.” I sighed. It was almost the opposite. I started to think I loved Oli.

“Olleh’s a vulnerable person and he hates hurting other people. He met you and he was so happy afterwards. He was always smiling and happeh. You weren’t just another girl to him,” She stopped, “You mean so much to Olleh. Which is why I need to give you this.”

I watched as she walked off and I heard her small feet padding against the linoleum in the kitchen. I heard the shuffling of papers and I listened as she walked back into the living room.

She held out an envelope with an airplane on it. My hands shook as I reached out for it.

“I wanted yeh teh ‘ave the chance the go and see ‘im, if yeh wanted.”

My hands wrapped around the envelope and before I knew it, I was out the front door, barefoot and running down the street in a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top covered by a sweatshirt.

The top part of my foot got caught in a crack in the sidewalk and I went tumbling down at the corner of Oli’s street. I stayed on the corner, my foot bleeding, my eyes pouring out tears, and a plane ticket to England clutched in my hand.

If Oli was here, this wouldn’t be happening.

If Oli was here, I’d be laughing instead of crying.

If Oli was here, my birthday might not suck this much .

If Oli was here, I wouldn’t have a broken fucking heart.

If Oli was here, I wouldn’t hate him as much as I do right now.

If. Just if.