We've Learned to Run from Anything Uncomfortable

Friday, June 24th

I was right. I was so fucking right. I picked up another piece of trash off my floor and dropped it in the trashcan next to my closet. I turned and looked around my room, dirty plates stacked up on my dresser and cups in the corner. My TV was covered in nothing but dust and the Linkin Park CD from Oli was probably playing it’s 200th time on repeat.

I grabbed the envelope with the airplane on it and turned it over in my hands. I lifted the flap and pulled out the plane ticket, still shiny and still unused. A piece of paper followed it, Oli’s address scrawled on it ‘for when I arrived in Sheffield.’ He had seemed so sure of himself.

I knew he was going to leave eventually. Everyone always does. I guess I was just too much for him. He couldn’t be man enough to tell me to my fucking face that he was leaving to go all the way back to Sheffield. No, he left some fucking ticket and a god damn piece of paper with one stupid sentence scrawled on it. No explanation. Nothing. He just fucking left.

Today’s the last day that the plane ticket is valid. If I wanted to pack my bags and get a ride to the airport so I could jump on an airplane and ride all the way to Sheffield to see the asshole who broke my heart, I could.

But, I’m not going to.

Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn. Maybe it’s because I’m pissed off. Maybe it’s because I know that he’ll probably do it again. It doesn’t fucking matter why. I’m not going. I don’t fucking care if that ticket was $1,500. I’m not going to fly to Sheffield. It’s cold there, and the one person I hate the most right now resides there.

I’ve spent too much time crying over Oli, I’m not going to up and leave everything to go and see him. I don’t have time to bother him with questions about why he abandoned me and I have more pride than to show up at his house and dump my shit on his floor as I dive into his arms and cry into his neck.

Once again, I’ll have to remind you, I’m not a fucking Cinderella story. I’m a god damn foster kid who smokes. A foster kid who doesn’t care. A foster kid who’s life was changed for three weeks by someone amazing, just to have them leave her like everyone else has managed to do.

And now he wants me to follow him halfway across the world?

It’s not fucking happening. No way in Hell. The only place I’m going is to the god damn Chevron to buy myself a pack of smokes with the five dollars that Marsha used to try and bribe me to come out of my room.

It didn’t work last week, but I was done crying. I didn’t need to be moping around any longer. I needed to get out and do something.

I pulled open my closet doors and yanked a pair of jeans from one of the hangers in my closet, I then reached over for a t shirt and grabbed a bra and a new pair of underwear. I turned the knob to my door softly, checking the clock in the hallway to see that it was only nine in the morning. Marilyn and Marsha would still be sleeping. I quickly pushed open the bathroom door and locked it behind me.

I rid myself of my dirty clothes, the sweatshirt and sleeping pants I’d been wearing for the last two weeks and turned on the shower, the sound of water smacking the bath tub floor calming my racing heart. I stepped underneath the water and let it wash over me.

I tried my hardest not to think about Oliver while I was in the shower. It’d become a habit ever since I had started talking to him. I never had a moment alone unless I was in bed or in the shower, and even when I was in bed, I still heard the sounds of the house, the creaking of the boards and I never got enough time to myself. So, I’d resorted to thinking about Oli in the shower.

Like now, I’m thinking about all the these he said to me and I’m wondering if he meant a single fucking thing. He told me he loved me, told me I was amazing and then just left me to be on my own? I got no warning sign, no nothing. He just left.

After washing my hair, I stepped out of the shower and pulled a towel around my body. I dried myself off quickly and pulled my underwear and bra on. I grabbed my hair dryer from underneath the sink and blew my hair dry, all the while trying to keep my mind off Oli. Once I was finished with that, I pulled my t shirt on over my head and slid my legs into my jeans. I then quietly pulled the door open again, shut off the light and scampered back into my room. I took note of the missing dishes on my dresser and mentally cursed myself. Either Marilyn or Marsha was up and I was fucked because they knew I was up.

I pulled on a pair of socks and laced up my sneakers before snatching the five dollars off my dresser and smashing it into my pocket. I bound down the stairs to see Marsha at the sink, scrubbing dishes and Marilyn at the kitchen table, an envelope in her hands.

“Hi Sam.” She said quietly.

“Hey Marilyn.” I said. I didn’t want to stay and talk. I was too embarrassed about the fact I had holed myself up for two weeks, I couldn’t stand to be around them.

“Where are you going?”

“I was going to go to the um.. Store.”

“I talked to Oliver’s aunt… Lynn?”

I nodded softly.

“She said that you were given a ticket to Sheffield.”

“I was.”

“And are you going to go?”

“No.”

Her head snapped up and Marsha stopped washing the dishes. She shut the water off and turned towards me. I suddenly felt myself becoming the center of attention and I swallowed a big lump in my throat.

“We don’t care if you want to go Sam, we’ll even give you a-”

“I’m not going.” I said through gritted teeth.

“Well why not?” Marsha finally said, “That boy came over here, what’s his name? Oliver! You two looked like you were having the best time ever and he has to leave you to go all the way back home and you’re given a free ticket to visit him and you’re not going to take it?”

“Why should I follow someone who left me?” I said quietly.

“Because you love him.” Marilyn stated, then quickly corrected herself, “Or at least you act like it.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“You spent two whole weeks in your room because you missed him so much!” Marsha cried, “You’ve got to care about him at least a little bit.”

“I can’t care about him.” I sighed, “It hurts too much.”

“Well fine,” Marilyn snapped, getting irritated with me, “Here’s a check for $1,500. If you’re going to the store, you better drop this off at Lynn’s house on your way there. You will be getting a job and paying me back, I hope you know.”

I nodded and grabbed the envelope from Marilyn’s hand and quickly left out the front door. I grabbed the bike that was leaning against the side of the house and threw one leg over the side, gripping the envelope tightly in one hand and steering the bike with the other.

The sun shone down on me while I rode, making my cold hands find feeling again, and stopping the chattering of my teeth.

Around five minutes later, I found myself at the Chevron. I stuffed the envelope into my pocket and placed the bike against the building. I walked inside the store, hearing the bell clink loudly and I walked up to the counter. I set my five dollars on the counter and coughed roughly.

“Can I get a pack of Camel filters please?”

“You got ID?”

I pulled my school ID out of my pocket and handed it over to the man who in return, pulled a pack of cigarettes from the shelf, handed me my ID and rang up my five bucks. He handed me my change and asked me if I needed matches.

“Um, yeah.” I paused, grabbing the matches he set on the counter, “Thanks.”

I left the store in haste and ripped the packaging off my smokes. I pulled one out and lit it with a match, stuffing the rest of the pack in my pocket and sucking on the one I had in my mouth. I mounted the bike once more and set off in direction of Lynn’s house.

I arrived only a few minutes later and lit another cigarette outside her house, having already finished my other one. I sat down on the sidewalk, I clutched the envelope in my hand now, shaking nervously. I heard the door creak open and I listened as Lynn’s feet carried their way over to where I was sitting. She sat down next to me on the curb and was quiet for a long time.

“Yeh know tha’ smokin’ is bad fer yeh.” She said softly.

“Yeah, I know.” I sighed, “I’m supposed to give this to you.”

I handed her the envelope and watched as she opened it. Her face fell as she pulled out the check addressed to her from Marilyn, “Oi Sammeh. I don’ want this. I want yeh teh go an’ see Olleh.”

“I’m sorry.” I said, my voice cracking. I quickly cleared my throat, attempting to gain composure, “I just can’t go.”

“Why not?” She asked, looking up at me with tears in her eyes, “Olleh’s a good boy. ’E’s feelin’ real bad. It’d do him good teh see yeh Sam. Please don’ do this to ’im.”

“Don’t do this to him?” I said loudly, then referred to the last time I saw Lynn and didn’t want a repeat of that, “I’m sorry Lynn. Oli hurt me and as much I want to go and see him, I just can’t. I have other things to do. I need to find a job, I need to start college. I can’t just go around chasing boys all the way to England Lynn.”

She nodded as if she understood, “Okay Sam.”

My chest collapsed as I stood up, hearing her words towards me, “I’m really sorry Lynn. I wish I could-”

“Just tell yeh're parents thanks fer the money.”

“Lynn, I-”

“Look Sam,” She said, standing up to face me, “I don’ know what’s goin' on with yeh and ’m not goin' teh judge yeh, cause I might do the same thing if I were in yer position, but let me jus' tell yeh now. Yer not gonna meet another boy like Olleh, and yer gonna regret not following’ ’im.”

She began to walk off and I grabbed her by the forearm, “There’s a letter in there for Oli. Can you mail it to him for me, please?”

“Sure thing.” She said coldly, shaking me off.

I watched her as she walked across the lawn and stepped onto her front porch. I even watched as she lifted a hand to cover her tears as she pushed herself inside her house.

I hadn’t cried all day. I’d kept my composure and I’d done a good job.

Until now.

Tears poured from every crevice of my body, emotions seeped out of my pores and dripped down my body, falling against my sneakers. I picked up my bike and wrapped a leg around one side, not even sure if I was going to be able to make it home on the bike.

All day, I’d kept myself from crying. I’d hid from my emotions but as I watched Lynn step into her house, her hand covering her face and that check gripped in her small hand, I knew it was all over.

I’d spent all day with this doubt in my mind, thinking maybe I will go see Oli. But, that doubt was quickly shattered when I handed over that check to Lynn. There was no going back now.

And I knew I was going to regret that before I did it.

I think I regret it more now.