We've Learned to Run from Anything Uncomfortable

Saturday, July 1st
Oli,As you already know, I’m not following you. I don’t feel the need to. I know you think you’re just so fucking great that it’s okay for you to leave me behind and expect me to be nipping at your heels. Well, I’m not a dog and you’re not that important to me. You’re a giant piece of shit and I hope your plane crashes.

Ignore all that, I was just mad when you left and I’m too lazy to rewrite this. Anyways, what the fuck? Did you really have to leave without warning me Oli? We were together all night that night and you just decide to dump everything on me and then leave me?

You just don’t get it do you? I don’t go around trusting everyone, you were special to me. I don’t expect you to worry about me and I don’t expect you to work your schedule around me so I don’t get hurt anymore, but I did expect a good bye. I’ve been hurt Oli. I’ve been trampled on and left behind, I’ve been thrown away and lost.

And for once in my life, I’m having a hard time forgetting someone. And that someone is you. My life sucked before you came into it. I didn’t care about anyone. And then you just waltzed right into my life and now I can’t help but think about where you are, what you’re doing, if you’re okay, and how you’re feeling. I can’t get you out of my fucking mind, your making me fucking crazy.

I lay in bed at night thinking about that last night we were together. I think about how you held my hand softly, how you ran your fingers through my hair, and how you grinned that stupid little grin. I think about the way your lips brushed against mine gently and you urged me to go on, not to be scared of you. And I wasn’t scared Oli. I held so much trust in you, I cared about you, and I let you care about me. I told you a lot of things I’ve never told anyone. I let you in and I didn’t push you out. You fucking walked out.

For once I’m not shoving someone out of my life and they just up and leave me. I want to come and see you so badly, I miss you so much and I finally realized that I do love you. I want you to be careful in England and stop falling in love with girls. And if you fall in love with a girl, don’t hurt her, okay?

I tried to be there for you, but you just can’t expect me to follow you halfway around the world Oli. As much as I want to, I just can’t. I have to stay here and find a job or something. I can’t just mooch off you and your family for the rest of my life.

I just want you to know some things.

I love you. I miss you.

I’ll always love you. I’ll always miss you.

And as much I hate to say this, I regret not coming after you, because my life has absolutely no fucking point to it now that you’re gone.

When I tell you I stayed here to find a job, or go to college, I’m lying. I’m folding back into my old self now that you’ve disappeared. It hasn’t taken me long. The truth is; I’m too fucking scared. I’m scared to love you, I’m scared to become to attached to you and the fact that you left is just an excuse for me to hate you and not to have to worry about falling in love with someone.

Maybe someday, when I get my shit together I can come and visit you or something. Maybe by then I won’t be so immature and I’ll be able to handle a real relationship. Maybe by then I’ll be done doubting every single person I know.

Here we are. I’m in America and you’re all the way in England, left me all alone and I still can’t stop myself from trusting you. Does that tell you a damn thing?

Hopefully, because if not, you might just be as stupid as I thought you were ;)

Just don’t forget me, alright?

Love,

Sam.

I had read Sam’s letter so many times, I could recite it out loud if I had to. I just couldn’t believe she didn’t come. It’s not like I completely expected her to, I mean I had some doubt. But, she didn’t even consider coming out here.

It’s been a good two in a half weeks since I came back home and now that I finally got a letter from Sam explaining why she refuses to have any contact with me, I think it’s about time I quit moping around and I work on repairing my relationships at home.

I couldn’t continue moping around in my room alone for the rest of my life. If I wasn’t important enough to Sam for her to at least ask for an explanation and stop assuming bullshit reasons, then what was the point in me sitting around and worrying anymore?

I know she’s not coming to visit me, that’s been confirmed. So, there’s no reason to hate myself for the rest of my life. I need to get my shit together and do something with my life.

I rolled off my bed and pulled open my bedroom door, stumbling into the hallway. I ran into Matt who was waiting for Tom to get out of the shower. I looked up at him, seeing the butterfly tape around his nose and smirked a little bit. Then, feeling like an arse, I quickly changed my facial expression and looked at him sheepishly, trying my best to apologize without having to say it out loud.

The door to the bathroom was quickly shoved open and Tom walked out, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist and his wet hair stuck to his forehead, “Jesus crimony.” He muttered, “There yeh go Matt.”

He looked up at me with a grimace on his face. I couldn’t tell if he was still pissed off, or that he was so disgusted by my appearance, he didn’t want to be in the same hallway as me. I looked over at Matt again, who’s eyes shifted towards Tom’s. I glanced up at Tom, who’s expression had changed to one of the amused sort.

They knew they were going to crack me and get me to say sorry.

“’M sorry.” I muttered quickly.

“Oi, what was that?” Tom laughed.

“Yeah Olleh, can we ‘ear it again?”

“Oi, piss off!” I grinned, “I said ‘m fuckin’ sorry. Will yeh two stop ‘atin’ meh?”

“Yeh know we can’t ‘ate yeh fer too long.” Tom grinned. I leaned forward to give him a hug, but he backed away quickly, “Oi, I don’ like yeh that much. Yeh need teh shower.”

Matt laughed and ran into the bathroom locking the door, “I need teh piss!”

I nodded and looked at Tom again, finally feeling like a part of the ‘group’ again. I’d spent so much time away from Matt and Tom, it felt weird to be talking to them again.

Tom looked at me incredulously, “Yeh done bein’ an arse Olleh?”

I nodded.

“I don’t wanna ‘ear nothin’ abou’ this Sam gal, alrigh’? She’s old news. We’re goin’ out tonigh’ teh find yeh a new one. They’ve gotten a lot better lookin’ since yeh left good ol’ Sheffield.” He grinned.

I simply ignored his Sam comment and nodded once more. Maybe that’s all I needed was a night out or something. Somewhere to go, to get away from my sick, twisted lyrics, and to get away from myself. My own mind, and the words from Sam scrawled on that piece of paper.

He walked away just as Matt threw the bathroom door open.

“So, are yeh gonna tell meh why yeh were ‘atin’ life fer the last two weeks?” He asked, genuinely interested and worried about my well being.

“It was jus’ this girl,” I mumbled, “I didn’ want teh leave ‘er. That’s all.”

“That’s all?” He questioned loudly, “No Olleh. That ain’t all. If that bird is what’s kept yeh locked in yer damn room since you’ve been ‘ome, that’s not just all. What the ‘ell are yeh doin’?”

“There’s nothin’ I can do Matt. I’ve tried everythin’. I tried tellin’ her I was leavin’, I tried gettin’ ‘er teh follow meh, none of it’s worked. She ‘ates meh an’ I need teh deal with it.”

As I went to walk into the bathroom, I tried ignoring what Matt said next, but I couldn’t. It was a quiet bundle of words, but they screamed at me, shattering every bone in my body.

“I can tell by the way yeh’ve been actin’, the way yer talkin’ about ‘er now, she was more than what yeh say she was. If yeh think yeh’ve found love, yeh need teh chase it.”

I slammed the bathroom door shut and popped the lock in, shedding my clothes. I stepped into the still warm shower and twisted the knob, letting the warm water cascade over my body. Only five minutes later, I was out of the shower, a towel wrapped around my waist.

I made my way into my bedroom and unzipped my suitcase, still packed. I pulled out a pair of black jeans, a clean pair of underwear, and a light v neck. I dressed quickly and shook my hair around, deciding to let it air dry. I pulled on a pair of socks and put shoes on over them. I skidded into the hallway, meeting Matt and Tom in the hallway.

“Bye mum, dad! Me, Matt, and Olleh are goin’ out!” Tom yelled into the living room.

I kept my head towards the floor, feeling my parent’s stares at the side of my head, wondering what the hell had gotten into me. Once outside, Tom whooped excitedly.

“Yeh ready teh find some fit birds tonight Olleh?”

“Yer damn straight I am,” I chuckled nervously, not too happy with the words coming out of my mouth, “I need teh get laid.”

I looked in the rearview mirror, catching a disappointed glance from Matt.

It was evident that once I started talking to everyone again, I wouldn’t be able to withstand my old bad habits. I’d only been on speaking terms with Tom for five minutes, and already I was back in the loop, ready to fuck everything up again.

We arrived at the bar and I began ordering drinks like they were going out of style, getting completely smashed. I looked around, surveying the place for a girl to prey on tonight and I realized it wouldn’t be hard, seeing all the girls dancing in their ‘barely there’ clothing.

And as I walked drunkenly towards them, I couldn’t help but see Matt’s disproving stare and I couldn’t keep Sam’s voice from whispering ‘I love you’ at me.

But, I wasn’t going to worry about that tonight. Tonight was about forgetting Sam and getting back into my old self, becoming the Oli Sykes that I was before I left for America.

Its time to be the arrogant, self absorbed asshole I usually am, now that I don’t have anyone to be better for, I don’t care anymore. I’m going to be the insecure, scared little boy that I can’t get away from. I only cover him up by drinking until I can’t stand and finding some girl to treat myself to.

Because, that’s who I really am. I’m not the boy that Sam thinks I am. Not here, in England. In England, I don’t care who I hurt, I don’t care about anything.

And as of this very second, I don’t care about Sam. She doesn’t mean a thing to me any longer. Our ties are cut, our bridges are burned, our memories forgotten.

All of it, gone. Erased.