You Brighten Up the World.

Like I had said before, it was really late, but at my house, everybody went to bed really early; Mom and Dad and Shane and Ross were all asleep when we got there, and they’d been asleep since nine o’clock.

It wasn’t summer. But it was on a Saturday.

In a way, that almost made it worse.

I slid out of the car, trying not to look back to find Anna with her red eyes that were brighter than break lights. All I could do was focus on getting inside, getting out of the rain, and getting Anna to sleep. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye, I’d seen how she was. I’d seen how she just sat there the whole time we were in the car, just sitting and staring at either the floor of my car or her hands, which were all curled up inside each other like she was scared that something could happen to her again.

“Come on,” I forced myself to say aloud. “Inside.”

I didn’t mean to sound like I was talking to an animal. And there’s this feeling I got when I heard myself say it, like I was trying to force a bad dog inside; and it made me feel really shitty for even saying something like that. And I didn’t mean to sound like that. But that’s just the way it came out of my mouth. Accidentally.

Her footsteps followed me. I held the front door open for her, and I watched as she walked inside. Her head was hung; shame. My face fell. When I shut the door behind us, I slipped off my shoes and set them down beside Anna’s.

She had flip-flops on; they were pink and had little rhinestones sewn along the seams. They were also really dirty, which I think is because she wore them all the time. She was proud of herself for buying them on her own, but they had gotten worn-out really fast and she’d probably have to buy a new pair soon. Besides, flip-flops can’t make it through an entire school year without falling apart.

Her hair had little raindrops in it. She didn’t look at me before she took off down the hallway and walked straight into the bathroom. I just sighed, running a hand through my hair.

My bedroom was across the hallway from the bathroom; I hoped that she hadn’t seen it before she turned the other way, because it looked like a pigsty. I hadn’t cleaned it before I drove over to her house, so when I heard the shower start going off in the bathroom, I didn’t think anything else of it besides that I needed to pick up my room so she wouldn’t think I was an animal when she got out.

I didn’t care that she didn’t ask me to use the shower; I knew that she wasn’t imposing herself, she just probably needed one. She probably just needed to get clean.

While I picked up my room, I just thought. I thought a lot to myself and I didn’t really say much out loud that I thought about, contrary to popular belief.

I thought about what it was that was wrong with her. I thought about how much I really did love her, and about how it didn’t matter that she had the problems that she did. I know that a lot of other people would probably not even give her the time of day if they knew how fucked-up her life was starting to be. But I didn’t really care. She had a big heart.

And she was mine too; that’s probably what made me love her all the more, was that she belonged with me.

I didn’t know how long I’d just been sitting there on the floor of my room for. I hadn’t even realized that I was done picking up my room.

Anna knocked on the door and I jumped a foot in the air. I scrambled to my feet and headed over to the door. I opened it just a crack and saw her staring up at me with her wide-eyed, bloodshot eyes. I didn’t say a word, I just opened up the door for her and let her walk in on her own.

She was wearing a pair of shorts and one of my shirts. I’d probably left it over at her house sometime. She laid right down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

It was then that she said the first thing all night.

“I’m really sorry I’m like this all the time.”

I just looked over at her, then looked down at my hands. “It’s okay,” I said, leaning up against my bedroom wall as I closed the door with the heel of my foot. “I know that you would rather be happy than like this.”

She nodded, then closed her eyes tight. Her lips turned inwards and before I knew it, I couldn’t see them at all. Creases lined up all along her forehead and she tried covering her face with her forearm. She looked like she was holding in more tears. I couldn’t believe she still had any left. I bet she was crying in the shower, too.

When she opened her eyes up again, a little tear fell out.

Damn it, I thought. The back of my neck was getting all hot and my palms were sweaty. I didn’t want to see her crying. Fuck everything. Just leave her the hell alone.

I didn’t know if she wanted me to come over and hug her or not, so I just stood there and watched. I felt so awkward and useless because I knew that no matter what I did, I wouldn’t be able to change what was going on between her and her family.

She let out a shaky breath. And after she heard how it sounded, that was the end of it. She heard herself starting to cry and immediately let the flood gates open. Her cheeks were bright pink like her sandals. And she bit down so hard on her lower lip that I thought it was probably going to bleed. But it didn’t. She just bit it really hard was all.

“John,” she whispered, “I don’t ever want to see them ever again.”

That’s when I knew I couldn’t just stand there watching her in so much pain anymore. So I walked over to her and took her by the hand, and I sat right down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. And I knew that even though she didn’t love me like that, I couldn’t help but pretending that I would be all she ever needed. Even though I knew that she deserved so much better than me, I pretended like I was good enough. For just a few minutes she let me sit like that with her, just being quiet and letting her cry it all out. All the while, I had to set my nerves on fire to keep them from exploding completely.

It hurt so badly to watch her like that.

She leaned into my shoulder. My t-shirt was starting to get moist from her tears.

I didn’t feel like I was saving her anymore. I felt like I was just making a mess of everything.

“Hey,” I said, “it’ll be okay. Don’t worry about your family. Don’t worry about your parents. Fuck them all.”

She sniffed roughly. “But,” she huffed, trying to wipe her eyes, “they ignore me.”

Something jutted into my heart. Or maybe something jutted out of it. I can’t tell. Either way, it was respect: gaining respect or losing it for her family.

They acted like she wasn’t there. They made it seem like she was invisible. And, half the time, I bet she felt like she actually was. Hollow from the inside, out.

“It’ll be okay,” I said. I didn’t even know what I was telling her by then. I didn’t care that I didn’t really know if they would all turn out alright in the end, I just wanted her to stop hurting so much. Even if it was just temporarily.

I stood up from the bed and pulled back the covers for her. She crawled in slowly on her hands and knees; I flipped off the light switch and got right in next to her. And I just stared at her right in the eye. Because when it’s dark, her eyes don’t look so red and lonely. That makes me feel just a little better, even if it isn’t the truth.

Maybe that’s how Anna felt about all those empty words I gave her.

“I don’t deserve you,” she told me.

That just stunned me. Because for some reason, I had gotten it in my head that it was the other way around. Completely. And that things would always be the complete opposite.

“No,” I managed, “it’s the other way around.”

She just curled up closer to me and I wrapped my arms around her. With a sigh, I understood that she probably felt the need to give me something in return for running to get her. And dealing with her tears. And letting her spend the night whenever she wanted.

If she thought those things, I don’t think she understood me. Because I didn’t care about waiting on her, or letting her stay at my house, or trying to make her better than she was. I didn’t care about any of that. I just wanted her to stop crying all the time because it made me feel like it was my fault. Even though I knew it wasn’t, I felt like it was.

I kissed the top of her head.

“It’s okay,” I said, like that was supposed to make everything all better.

“Thank you,” she said.

She knew that things weren’t okay. She knew it just the same as I did. But I think that what was really understood was that I was there for her, even if I couldn’t do anything. And she was there for me, even though she couldn’t do anything.

And right then, we just knew.