Cause of Death: Broken Heart
Now I Can Find You
Walkin’ in my sleep again
Where were you
Off in some distant land
Was I with you
That day plays over and over again in my head—I hate it; the day I found him dead. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard before in my life. My parents and my brother never understood the relationship we had, he was Mikey’s best friend first but Mikey got a girlfriend and Frankie kind of took a backseat. I’ve had the same dream, or rather nightmare every night—done so for the past month. He’s been gone a month but he’s there every night in my dreams. We laugh, we talk, he tells me he’s fine and I tell him I miss him. It’s always the same. He always tells me I can’t come with him. Last night it changed, it felt so real. I was at the park we always hung out at, we were swinging on our favorite swings, but the weird thing was, I wasn’t dreaming last night. I was really at the park; I woke up there—alone. I didn’t know if I got to see him last night, it felt like he was there with me though. I miss him so much.
Take my hand let it all go down
Till I am sound asleep
Walk away out in the cold
Open your soul to me
I ended up waking up in the park for the past three nights, it scared me to wake up in the park—that meant I didn’t get to see him again. When I saw him last, he stayed until I was asleep, even in my dream. He told me I had to rest, I needed to let this go—how could he not know I couldn’t let this go, it meant I’d lose him too. In my dream, the last night when he came, we stayed in my room, he held me in his arms and he kissed my forehead and played with my hair until I fell asleep. I woke up crying this morning—one month ago he left me. Technically I left him four months ago, but he actually left our life. Tonight I’m going to his grave; I haven’t been since his funeral. It was so cold for an August night, but I didn’t care. I didn’t feel much of anything anymore, I was empty and numb. I reached his black polished stone, traced his name and felt the tears fall. ‘I hope you hear me, you’ve never said anything when you come to me in my dreams. I love you, I always loved you. I can’t do this, I miss you so much. You have no idea how much you hurt me that day. I knew exactly where you were too; you were right, I was too late.’ I lay down on his grave and kept mumbling, as if he could hear me. ‘Why haven’t you come to see me? I hate waking up alone in the park; I was disappointed when I woke up this morning. The other night, I want to do that again—fall asleep in your arms.’
Walkin’ in my sleep again
I am here
Run with me if you can
I feel you near
I couldn’t sleep tonight; I shouldn’t have gone to his grave. I must be daydreaming because I can see him; he’s sitting at the foot of my bed just smiling at me. It looks like he’d been crying, why would an angel like him cry? ‘Why are you crying angel?’ He mouthed something I couldn’t make out; usually I can hear everything he says to me. He’s really here—just like the day I found him. I saw him, he was yelling something at me, screaming it seemed and crying so hard. It was like he was telling me he was sorry, he didn’t mean to do that. I sat up and reached out to him, I couldn’t feel him, but I could feel something. It was like the air was cooler where he was sitting. I smiled at him—his smile was so beautiful. ‘Stay with me?’ He nodded and I moved so I could lay my head where I could see his lap. I placed my pillow where his legs were and lay down and felt content. He was here, he was with me; and I made out ‘I miss you.’ I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.
I don’t know where I am again
Find my way back to the bends
Now I can find you
I jolted awake the next morning. It took me a while to realize where I was—alone in my room. He was here and I knew where he went. I hurried through the woods, the short cut to the cemetery. I found his grave and I just knew he was here. The sun wasn’t near coming up, but color was faintly appearing on the horizon. I habitually patted my pocket—they were there. I remembered to leave the piece of paper exactly where Mikes would find it, I had to do this. I reached his stone and fingered his name once more and cried. I felt a presence to my left but saw no one. ‘I know it’s you. You can’t stop me, I can’t take this anymore.’ I took out the bottle of vodka I brought with me and the small bottle of pills and I lay down on his grave yet again. ‘I’m sorry.’ I say before I place at least five pills in my mouth and swallow a swig, adding an additional six and another swig until I’ve emptied both bottles. I could feel my body slowing down, I wasn’t panicking; I welcomed this. I faintly made out a figure before I blacked out. I came to after a few seconds and realized I was staring down at my lifeless body with a sobbing Frankie trying his hardest to hit it. ‘Frankie?’ He stopped and looked up at me, ‘Why’d you do it?’ ‘To find you, I missed you too much.’ I walked towards him and reached out for him—and felt his arm. His anger was forgotten as we crushed each other in a hug, pulling the other as close as possible. ‘I’ll love you forever Frankie.’ He looked up and smiled at me, ‘I’ll always love you. I waited for you.’ I pulled him to me again, and this time, this time we shared our first kiss.
Where were you
Off in some distant land
Was I with you
That day plays over and over again in my head—I hate it; the day I found him dead. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard before in my life. My parents and my brother never understood the relationship we had, he was Mikey’s best friend first but Mikey got a girlfriend and Frankie kind of took a backseat. I’ve had the same dream, or rather nightmare every night—done so for the past month. He’s been gone a month but he’s there every night in my dreams. We laugh, we talk, he tells me he’s fine and I tell him I miss him. It’s always the same. He always tells me I can’t come with him. Last night it changed, it felt so real. I was at the park we always hung out at, we were swinging on our favorite swings, but the weird thing was, I wasn’t dreaming last night. I was really at the park; I woke up there—alone. I didn’t know if I got to see him last night, it felt like he was there with me though. I miss him so much.
Take my hand let it all go down
Till I am sound asleep
Walk away out in the cold
Open your soul to me
I ended up waking up in the park for the past three nights, it scared me to wake up in the park—that meant I didn’t get to see him again. When I saw him last, he stayed until I was asleep, even in my dream. He told me I had to rest, I needed to let this go—how could he not know I couldn’t let this go, it meant I’d lose him too. In my dream, the last night when he came, we stayed in my room, he held me in his arms and he kissed my forehead and played with my hair until I fell asleep. I woke up crying this morning—one month ago he left me. Technically I left him four months ago, but he actually left our life. Tonight I’m going to his grave; I haven’t been since his funeral. It was so cold for an August night, but I didn’t care. I didn’t feel much of anything anymore, I was empty and numb. I reached his black polished stone, traced his name and felt the tears fall. ‘I hope you hear me, you’ve never said anything when you come to me in my dreams. I love you, I always loved you. I can’t do this, I miss you so much. You have no idea how much you hurt me that day. I knew exactly where you were too; you were right, I was too late.’ I lay down on his grave and kept mumbling, as if he could hear me. ‘Why haven’t you come to see me? I hate waking up alone in the park; I was disappointed when I woke up this morning. The other night, I want to do that again—fall asleep in your arms.’
Walkin’ in my sleep again
I am here
Run with me if you can
I feel you near
I couldn’t sleep tonight; I shouldn’t have gone to his grave. I must be daydreaming because I can see him; he’s sitting at the foot of my bed just smiling at me. It looks like he’d been crying, why would an angel like him cry? ‘Why are you crying angel?’ He mouthed something I couldn’t make out; usually I can hear everything he says to me. He’s really here—just like the day I found him. I saw him, he was yelling something at me, screaming it seemed and crying so hard. It was like he was telling me he was sorry, he didn’t mean to do that. I sat up and reached out to him, I couldn’t feel him, but I could feel something. It was like the air was cooler where he was sitting. I smiled at him—his smile was so beautiful. ‘Stay with me?’ He nodded and I moved so I could lay my head where I could see his lap. I placed my pillow where his legs were and lay down and felt content. He was here, he was with me; and I made out ‘I miss you.’ I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.
I don’t know where I am again
Find my way back to the bends
Now I can find you
I jolted awake the next morning. It took me a while to realize where I was—alone in my room. He was here and I knew where he went. I hurried through the woods, the short cut to the cemetery. I found his grave and I just knew he was here. The sun wasn’t near coming up, but color was faintly appearing on the horizon. I habitually patted my pocket—they were there. I remembered to leave the piece of paper exactly where Mikes would find it, I had to do this. I reached his stone and fingered his name once more and cried. I felt a presence to my left but saw no one. ‘I know it’s you. You can’t stop me, I can’t take this anymore.’ I took out the bottle of vodka I brought with me and the small bottle of pills and I lay down on his grave yet again. ‘I’m sorry.’ I say before I place at least five pills in my mouth and swallow a swig, adding an additional six and another swig until I’ve emptied both bottles. I could feel my body slowing down, I wasn’t panicking; I welcomed this. I faintly made out a figure before I blacked out. I came to after a few seconds and realized I was staring down at my lifeless body with a sobbing Frankie trying his hardest to hit it. ‘Frankie?’ He stopped and looked up at me, ‘Why’d you do it?’ ‘To find you, I missed you too much.’ I walked towards him and reached out for him—and felt his arm. His anger was forgotten as we crushed each other in a hug, pulling the other as close as possible. ‘I’ll love you forever Frankie.’ He looked up and smiled at me, ‘I’ll always love you. I waited for you.’ I pulled him to me again, and this time, this time we shared our first kiss.