Cause of Death: Broken Heart
When You're Happy To Be Alive
A/N: So I thought about this for a long time now and I decided that I should add just one more chapter to this story. From some of your comments and my roomie's opinion and some thoughts of my own I'm adding this chapter. It's a bit on the long side and in Mikey's POV through what's happened. Hope you like it.
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I couldn't really believe it--he was gone. My best friend was gone. His mom and Gee just came in a few minutes ago; all I could make out was both of them muttering, "he's gone, he's gone." Over and over again. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't feel a thing. I wanted my eyes to water, I wanted tears to fall but I fell to the floor and sat there in shock. Mom wasn't home yet and I didn't know when Dad would be back from whatever errands he needed to run today.
I watched as Gee and Linda clung to each other crying and screaming out his name. Frankie. No one heard the slam of a car door, the mutterings about an open front door, no one heard a purse and keys hit the small hallway table--but we all heard what was said next.
"What's going on?"
Mom was finally home. She walked into a house where her eldest son and one of her best friends are clinging to each other sobbing uncontrollably and me alone, sitting in the middle of the floor--my bowl of cereal spilled on my lap.
"He's dead, he's dead! He's gone and he's not coming back!"
Gee yelled out to our Mom who took a step back and braced herself against the wall and then looked at each of us; almost deciding on who needed the most comforting at the moment. She decided on going over to Linda and pulling her from Gee's grasp, telling him to come over to me. He rubbed his eyes furiously and stumbled across the living room towards me.
I watched as my mother rocked Linda back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Rubbing her back and whispering words of sympathy and comfort--she knew they were worthless at the moment, but Linda seemed to be calming down--only if slightly. Gerard had been standing in front of me for a few moments before he collapsed to his knees and pulled me into his arms. My bowl hit the ground and my arms remained limp--I didn't hug him back. I could feel his tears landing on my face, hear his sniffles, hear my mother starting to cry as well. I was the only one not crying--but I wanted to.
"I love him you know. I've always loved him."
Gee whispered in my ear--I already knew they were in love with each other. Gee was terrified and ran away and now look what happened.
"This is all YOUR fault! If you hadn't ran away when he said that, he would still be here! YOU'RE why he's dead, YOU'RE why he chose to end it all!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
His arms dropped from around me; I can't believe I just had an outburst like that. I never yell. Never. I had shut my eyes before I started speaking but I could feel more than just Gee's eyes on me.
"It's too late now to tell me that you love him, it's too late! It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault. YOU DID THIS!!"
I still wasn't crying, not even after that. I knew it was just my initial reaction, blame Gerard. Frank did love him and I knew Gee loved him back. The day Gee came home in tears telling me that Frank had finally told him he loved him; I didn't understand that something he wanted would make him so down. He told me he turned and walked away. I don't think I've ever hated my brother more than I did that day--breaking my best friend's heart the way he did. Frank and I would hang out--always at his place. Gee acted like Frank didn't exist to him anymore; for three months I watched as they slowly killed the other and I said nothing. I let this happen--we all let this happen.
"Michael James Way! You better have a good explanation for your outburst just now!"
We both looked over at out Mom--"They loved each other mom, so much."
I watched as Linda clung tighter to my mother; I watched as my mom looked over to Gee and then to me. I could see the question in her eyes. I could only nod my head. Gee was still sitting next to me, arms at his side. I finally looked at him for the first time since he moved over to me. His eyes were so puffy and so red, his cheeks were wet and tears still fell from his eyes.
I pulled him to me and whispered 'sorry' over and over again. He relaxed into my embrace and after a while I felt his arms go back around me. I felt his body shake with sobs again--he was hurting and I knew he blamed himself just as much as I blamed him just moments ago.
"I'm sorry Linda. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, if I, if I didn't walk away that night, if I only stayed and told him the truth--it's all my fault!"
I watched with wide eyes as she pulled away from my mother and walked over to Gerard and I; kneeling down to his level.
"Don't you dare blame yourself Gerard. Don't you dare. It was his choice to go through with what he's done, not yours--not yours. I don't blame you."
Mom came over to us and we all embraced each other--me still the only one not crying. That's how my dad found us when he finally got in. He loved Frank like another son, seeing as Frank's dad walked out on them when he was six. I saw the tears fall from his eyes, he didn't even ask--he just knew. He knew because the only person missing from our sad embrace was Frank; he knelt down between my mother and Linda and cried with them.
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"I'm sorry for the loss of this fine young man, he was a great person. A good son and friend..."
I didn't care what this stupid preacher man was saying about Frank. He didn't know him, he didn't know how truly amazing of a person he was. He didn't know that five people sitting in front of him haven't functioned properly for the past five days--not since the night we found out. I still haven't cried. Five days my best friend's been dead and I have yet to shed a single tear. Mom says I'm still in shock and denial but they will come; they'll come like a tidal wave and I won't know what to do with myself when they do.
I looked around at the people standing around this burial site; a few mutual friends from school, our favorite teacher--Ms. Brinkley, I see a few of his neighbors--not too many people.
"Would anyone like to say a few words?"
I watched as Linda got up: "Frankie, my baby, he was and still is everything to me. It's not right having to be here today, having to bury my own child. He was my world and without him it's been dark, lonely and cold. I know he doesn't hurt anymore, where he is now. I don't blame anyone's actions for his choice to end his own life. No one."
She sat back down next to my mother, my father got up next.
"Frankie, he's the son I never had, not that there's anything wrong with my boys--he was loved just as much as they are. He was always there to help out around our house as well as his own. He was always a bit eccentric, but that's Frank and, and I'm sorry things have come to this."
My mom couldn't get up, so she just placed the white rose on his coffin. Gerard got up next.
"It's not fair, the choice he made. He's left so much behind--and not all are bad. He's left us with so many great memories of him, his laughter will always ring in my ears when something stupid is done or said. He's still here in our hearts and he's still loved, he's still loved. Not many people know that I'm the one that found him. He sent me a letter and as soon as I finished it, I called Linda and, and told her where I'd be. When I got to his body he was already gone and I just held him. I didn't know what to do after that. I heard Linda's piercing scream of agony as she saw her sons lifeless body in my arms, I heard my own screams as the officers tried to pry him from my arms and then the same screams from Linda as they took him away from her. I've watched my brother stare blankly ahead--he hasn't shed a single tear yet. Frank's the most amazing guy I've ever met in my whole existence. We had a disagreement a while ago--a disagreement which I fear is the catapult behind him doing this. We love each other and the day he told me I freaked out and avoided him for months--3 months."
I couldn't believe he was doing this, here and now.
"I, I acted like he didn't exist and even when he came to try and reconcile our friendship I didn't give in. I kept pushing him away and the day I got his letter I knew what I had done to him. This is my fault, my fault and I'm sorry."
I watched as he placed his rose atop the others and kissed the lid. I heard sobs coming from Linda and watched as Gee's shoulders shook harder as he sat down. It was up to me now, to say something. I got up and placed my flower atop the others and stared out at all the faces. I was never good at speeches.
"Erm, I don't really know what to say. Words can't even describe the type of person Frank was, is. He's my best friend, one I let sink deeper and deeper into the hole he was, allowing him to make this choice as his only option out. It was a selfish action, one he knows is selfish. If blame is to be placed, though it shouldn't, you could blame all of us. All of us for not caring enough, not seeing through his fake smiles, fake laughs, fake happiness. We all could've done something but we didn't. We let this happen to him. He's gone and we can't change that, we can't fix it either. No one will ever replace him, no one could fill his shoes, ever. Ever."
I didn't know what else to say so I just sat down again. I didn't shed a tear while they lowered his coffin into the ground, nor as they began shoveling the dirt back in--I just couldn't.
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I woke with a start--something wasn't right. Something was about to happen and it wasn't something good. I quietly made my way downstairs and into Gerard's room--he was in the bathroom, I could see the light from under the door and movement of a shadow. I made my way back up and checked on my parent's, they were still there and then I made my way to the guest room where Linda had been staying, she was still there.
Something was not right--I could feel it. I couldn't sleep after that. My dream was a bit off too. Frank had come to me and told me that something was about to happen, something I couldn't prevent. That's when I woke up. Everyone was still asleep in their beds but it was only 3am. Mom would be getting up in a few hours to head off to work, Dad too. Linda usually got up around 7:30 and made breakfast for Gee and I.
Around 8 o'clock I still hadn't heard a noise from anyone. Then it hit me, today was one month from Frank's death. I'd been to his grave quite a few times since then. Talking to him about school, how hard it's been since he's gone. Wishing and hoping that he's happier wherever he is.
I must have fallen back asleep because I was woken up to the sound of my mother screaming. I jumped out of bed, met my father and Linda in the hall as we all made our way downstairs to see my mother crumpled to the floor and a solemn looking police officer in the door way--hat removed.
I ran down to Gerard's room, it was dark, no light's on, everything where it normally was--except one thing. An envelope stood out against his black pillow case. I edged towards it and saw it had my name on it. With shaking hands I picked it up and read its content:
Mikes,
I know you can figure out what this is going to say. I'm sure you were awoken by mom's scream from a police officer bringing news of sorrow. I'm sure you met dad and Linda in the hall and saw mom's crest fallen form on the floor and then you bolted down to my room where you found this. I heard you come in my room this morning, searching to see if I was still in here--I was then. Not too long after I left though. I was gathering what I needed in the bathroom. I'll be found on top of his grave, tear stains down my cheeks and a bottle of vodka and a mixture of too many pills--an overdose is my end. Be strong Mikey. I know losing your best friend and now brother will be hard on you, especially so close together, but know I can't do this alone. I can't face this world alone knowing I caused my one, my only to end his life. You're stronger than this, please don't follow. You may want to and feel so alone in a world full of hatred and cruelty beyond any you've ever experienced so far, but stay strong. Mom, dad and Linda will need you to be there for them. Be the rock that you've always been for Frankie and me. I'll tell him you all love him and miss him. I'm sorry it had to be this way and I knew it would be you to find this. You've been the best friend and brother anyone could ever have asked for, even if I seemed to want nothing to do with you--you were always there. Always. This is my goodbye Mikey. I'll be with Frank and I'll be happy. I love you.
Love forever,
Gee
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It's been a year--a long hard year--since both Gee and Frank have left me alone. I visit their graves often--telling them about my life, about our parents. I told them how lonely I am without them. I miss them--a lot. I've even told them I have yet to shed a tear for them, something our parents think I do when I lock myself away in my room. I told them I graduated in the top 10% of my class and that I'm heading off to college in the fall so I won't be able to visit them often.
I still stand strong for our parents even though I'm not as strong as they all think I am--I've never seen so many adults dependent on a teenager before in my life. At first it was alright having them watch my every move; then it became annoying how they kept a close eye on me, making sure I wasn't harming myself, or contemplating following after Frank and Gerard. I couldn't end my own life, even if I wanted to. Now it's terrifying how dependent they are of me. Knowing that I'm all they've got left.
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I couldn't really believe it--he was gone. My best friend was gone. His mom and Gee just came in a few minutes ago; all I could make out was both of them muttering, "he's gone, he's gone." Over and over again. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't feel a thing. I wanted my eyes to water, I wanted tears to fall but I fell to the floor and sat there in shock. Mom wasn't home yet and I didn't know when Dad would be back from whatever errands he needed to run today.
I watched as Gee and Linda clung to each other crying and screaming out his name. Frankie. No one heard the slam of a car door, the mutterings about an open front door, no one heard a purse and keys hit the small hallway table--but we all heard what was said next.
"What's going on?"
Mom was finally home. She walked into a house where her eldest son and one of her best friends are clinging to each other sobbing uncontrollably and me alone, sitting in the middle of the floor--my bowl of cereal spilled on my lap.
"He's dead, he's dead! He's gone and he's not coming back!"
Gee yelled out to our Mom who took a step back and braced herself against the wall and then looked at each of us; almost deciding on who needed the most comforting at the moment. She decided on going over to Linda and pulling her from Gee's grasp, telling him to come over to me. He rubbed his eyes furiously and stumbled across the living room towards me.
I watched as my mother rocked Linda back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Rubbing her back and whispering words of sympathy and comfort--she knew they were worthless at the moment, but Linda seemed to be calming down--only if slightly. Gerard had been standing in front of me for a few moments before he collapsed to his knees and pulled me into his arms. My bowl hit the ground and my arms remained limp--I didn't hug him back. I could feel his tears landing on my face, hear his sniffles, hear my mother starting to cry as well. I was the only one not crying--but I wanted to.
"I love him you know. I've always loved him."
Gee whispered in my ear--I already knew they were in love with each other. Gee was terrified and ran away and now look what happened.
"This is all YOUR fault! If you hadn't ran away when he said that, he would still be here! YOU'RE why he's dead, YOU'RE why he chose to end it all!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
His arms dropped from around me; I can't believe I just had an outburst like that. I never yell. Never. I had shut my eyes before I started speaking but I could feel more than just Gee's eyes on me.
"It's too late now to tell me that you love him, it's too late! It's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault. YOU DID THIS!!"
I still wasn't crying, not even after that. I knew it was just my initial reaction, blame Gerard. Frank did love him and I knew Gee loved him back. The day Gee came home in tears telling me that Frank had finally told him he loved him; I didn't understand that something he wanted would make him so down. He told me he turned and walked away. I don't think I've ever hated my brother more than I did that day--breaking my best friend's heart the way he did. Frank and I would hang out--always at his place. Gee acted like Frank didn't exist to him anymore; for three months I watched as they slowly killed the other and I said nothing. I let this happen--we all let this happen.
"Michael James Way! You better have a good explanation for your outburst just now!"
We both looked over at out Mom--"They loved each other mom, so much."
I watched as Linda clung tighter to my mother; I watched as my mom looked over to Gee and then to me. I could see the question in her eyes. I could only nod my head. Gee was still sitting next to me, arms at his side. I finally looked at him for the first time since he moved over to me. His eyes were so puffy and so red, his cheeks were wet and tears still fell from his eyes.
I pulled him to me and whispered 'sorry' over and over again. He relaxed into my embrace and after a while I felt his arms go back around me. I felt his body shake with sobs again--he was hurting and I knew he blamed himself just as much as I blamed him just moments ago.
"I'm sorry Linda. I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, if I, if I didn't walk away that night, if I only stayed and told him the truth--it's all my fault!"
I watched with wide eyes as she pulled away from my mother and walked over to Gerard and I; kneeling down to his level.
"Don't you dare blame yourself Gerard. Don't you dare. It was his choice to go through with what he's done, not yours--not yours. I don't blame you."
Mom came over to us and we all embraced each other--me still the only one not crying. That's how my dad found us when he finally got in. He loved Frank like another son, seeing as Frank's dad walked out on them when he was six. I saw the tears fall from his eyes, he didn't even ask--he just knew. He knew because the only person missing from our sad embrace was Frank; he knelt down between my mother and Linda and cried with them.
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"I'm sorry for the loss of this fine young man, he was a great person. A good son and friend..."
I didn't care what this stupid preacher man was saying about Frank. He didn't know him, he didn't know how truly amazing of a person he was. He didn't know that five people sitting in front of him haven't functioned properly for the past five days--not since the night we found out. I still haven't cried. Five days my best friend's been dead and I have yet to shed a single tear. Mom says I'm still in shock and denial but they will come; they'll come like a tidal wave and I won't know what to do with myself when they do.
I looked around at the people standing around this burial site; a few mutual friends from school, our favorite teacher--Ms. Brinkley, I see a few of his neighbors--not too many people.
"Would anyone like to say a few words?"
I watched as Linda got up: "Frankie, my baby, he was and still is everything to me. It's not right having to be here today, having to bury my own child. He was my world and without him it's been dark, lonely and cold. I know he doesn't hurt anymore, where he is now. I don't blame anyone's actions for his choice to end his own life. No one."
She sat back down next to my mother, my father got up next.
"Frankie, he's the son I never had, not that there's anything wrong with my boys--he was loved just as much as they are. He was always there to help out around our house as well as his own. He was always a bit eccentric, but that's Frank and, and I'm sorry things have come to this."
My mom couldn't get up, so she just placed the white rose on his coffin. Gerard got up next.
"It's not fair, the choice he made. He's left so much behind--and not all are bad. He's left us with so many great memories of him, his laughter will always ring in my ears when something stupid is done or said. He's still here in our hearts and he's still loved, he's still loved. Not many people know that I'm the one that found him. He sent me a letter and as soon as I finished it, I called Linda and, and told her where I'd be. When I got to his body he was already gone and I just held him. I didn't know what to do after that. I heard Linda's piercing scream of agony as she saw her sons lifeless body in my arms, I heard my own screams as the officers tried to pry him from my arms and then the same screams from Linda as they took him away from her. I've watched my brother stare blankly ahead--he hasn't shed a single tear yet. Frank's the most amazing guy I've ever met in my whole existence. We had a disagreement a while ago--a disagreement which I fear is the catapult behind him doing this. We love each other and the day he told me I freaked out and avoided him for months--3 months."
I couldn't believe he was doing this, here and now.
"I, I acted like he didn't exist and even when he came to try and reconcile our friendship I didn't give in. I kept pushing him away and the day I got his letter I knew what I had done to him. This is my fault, my fault and I'm sorry."
I watched as he placed his rose atop the others and kissed the lid. I heard sobs coming from Linda and watched as Gee's shoulders shook harder as he sat down. It was up to me now, to say something. I got up and placed my flower atop the others and stared out at all the faces. I was never good at speeches.
"Erm, I don't really know what to say. Words can't even describe the type of person Frank was, is. He's my best friend, one I let sink deeper and deeper into the hole he was, allowing him to make this choice as his only option out. It was a selfish action, one he knows is selfish. If blame is to be placed, though it shouldn't, you could blame all of us. All of us for not caring enough, not seeing through his fake smiles, fake laughs, fake happiness. We all could've done something but we didn't. We let this happen to him. He's gone and we can't change that, we can't fix it either. No one will ever replace him, no one could fill his shoes, ever. Ever."
I didn't know what else to say so I just sat down again. I didn't shed a tear while they lowered his coffin into the ground, nor as they began shoveling the dirt back in--I just couldn't.
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I woke with a start--something wasn't right. Something was about to happen and it wasn't something good. I quietly made my way downstairs and into Gerard's room--he was in the bathroom, I could see the light from under the door and movement of a shadow. I made my way back up and checked on my parent's, they were still there and then I made my way to the guest room where Linda had been staying, she was still there.
Something was not right--I could feel it. I couldn't sleep after that. My dream was a bit off too. Frank had come to me and told me that something was about to happen, something I couldn't prevent. That's when I woke up. Everyone was still asleep in their beds but it was only 3am. Mom would be getting up in a few hours to head off to work, Dad too. Linda usually got up around 7:30 and made breakfast for Gee and I.
Around 8 o'clock I still hadn't heard a noise from anyone. Then it hit me, today was one month from Frank's death. I'd been to his grave quite a few times since then. Talking to him about school, how hard it's been since he's gone. Wishing and hoping that he's happier wherever he is.
I must have fallen back asleep because I was woken up to the sound of my mother screaming. I jumped out of bed, met my father and Linda in the hall as we all made our way downstairs to see my mother crumpled to the floor and a solemn looking police officer in the door way--hat removed.
I ran down to Gerard's room, it was dark, no light's on, everything where it normally was--except one thing. An envelope stood out against his black pillow case. I edged towards it and saw it had my name on it. With shaking hands I picked it up and read its content:
Mikes,
I know you can figure out what this is going to say. I'm sure you were awoken by mom's scream from a police officer bringing news of sorrow. I'm sure you met dad and Linda in the hall and saw mom's crest fallen form on the floor and then you bolted down to my room where you found this. I heard you come in my room this morning, searching to see if I was still in here--I was then. Not too long after I left though. I was gathering what I needed in the bathroom. I'll be found on top of his grave, tear stains down my cheeks and a bottle of vodka and a mixture of too many pills--an overdose is my end. Be strong Mikey. I know losing your best friend and now brother will be hard on you, especially so close together, but know I can't do this alone. I can't face this world alone knowing I caused my one, my only to end his life. You're stronger than this, please don't follow. You may want to and feel so alone in a world full of hatred and cruelty beyond any you've ever experienced so far, but stay strong. Mom, dad and Linda will need you to be there for them. Be the rock that you've always been for Frankie and me. I'll tell him you all love him and miss him. I'm sorry it had to be this way and I knew it would be you to find this. You've been the best friend and brother anyone could ever have asked for, even if I seemed to want nothing to do with you--you were always there. Always. This is my goodbye Mikey. I'll be with Frank and I'll be happy. I love you.
Love forever,
Gee
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It's been a year--a long hard year--since both Gee and Frank have left me alone. I visit their graves often--telling them about my life, about our parents. I told them how lonely I am without them. I miss them--a lot. I've even told them I have yet to shed a tear for them, something our parents think I do when I lock myself away in my room. I told them I graduated in the top 10% of my class and that I'm heading off to college in the fall so I won't be able to visit them often.
I still stand strong for our parents even though I'm not as strong as they all think I am--I've never seen so many adults dependent on a teenager before in my life. At first it was alright having them watch my every move; then it became annoying how they kept a close eye on me, making sure I wasn't harming myself, or contemplating following after Frank and Gerard. I couldn't end my own life, even if I wanted to. Now it's terrifying how dependent they are of me. Knowing that I'm all they've got left.