Try to Let Go of the Truth

I cried for the first time in a long time when she went. She had always stood up for me in school, she’d taken good care of me and made sure no one bugged me. She was also the only person who had believed in me; even when everyone thought I would get nothing out of my acting career she had stood by me and helped me achieve my goals. Her name was Nicole and she meant the world to me.

“Oh god Jared! That’s disgusting how can you do that to yourself?” Nikki asked, squeezing her eyes shut in disgust as the film continued to play. I don’t normally watch my own films but Nikki had begged and pleaded to see ‘requiem for a dream’, claiming she wanted to see how ‘skilled’ I was. She sat with her face in my chest, sometimes taking a peek at the film to then go back to hiding in the jumper she had forced me to take as a gift all those years ago. I chuckled and ruffled her short hair.

“Hey! Don’t mess up my hair!” she protested, swatting my hand away. I ruffled her hair once more and she stuck her tongue out at me childishly. Her hair was slowly growing after she chose to stop the chemotherapy she had been getting; she refused to let me pay for her treatment anymore, claiming she missed her ‘blonde locks’ and that she wanted to grow it back. It was taking its time but it was getting there.

The doctor had told me that there was a forty percent chance she wasn’t going to make it; he wanted to know if I thought it was necessary to pay for her treatment. I told him firmly that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her, that she would definitely be a part of the sixty percent of cancer survivors. Oh how I wish my naïve hope had been right, why wasn’t she a part of that sixty percent?

“Tell him you love him!” she told the girl in the T.V. who was talking to my character for the last time, Nikki groaned as the girl hung up the phone without doing as Nikki had told her, “damn you! You’re meant to tell him you love him. That’s all he wanted to hear then you stupid woman! I would have told Harry that, I mean look at you Jared. You’re a mess.”

I laughed, first she was talking to my character and now she was talking to me.

“Would you really?”

“Of course I would you silly duck.”

“Why am I a duck?”

“Because I said so,” she said, she scrunched up her nose as my characters arm came into view again, “Jared, look what you did to yourself. What are you doing now?” she asked, watching the screen with wide eyes.

“I’m sitting here watching you hyperventilate over a film. It’s rather funny actually.”

“Why on earth would you do that to yourself? Look at your arm, that’s what you get for taking drugs. I told you before not to take them but you don’t listen to me do you?” she joked.

“It’s just a film Nikki, look,” I said, rolling my jumper sleeve so that she could see my arm clearly, “no trace marks, I don’t shoot up Nikki, you know me.”

She examined my arm closely and I wondered what she was looking at, I watched her questioningly.

“I can see trace marks.”

“What? Where?”

“Look, there it is,” she indicated to the joint between my forearm and bicep. I looked at it closely, not seeing much due to the lack of light.

“I don’t see anything.”

“Yeah you can, just look closer.”

“Where?”

“Right here,” she pointed. I looked closely and she flicked me on the nose.

“Fooled you!” she teased, jumping out of my arms before I could catch her. I got up off my seat and jogged after her, she stood in front of me and I stopped, waiting for her to make her move. She bounced on the balls of her feet and smiled sneakily at me, she had a plan. I followed her every move, the low hum of the T.V. was the only thing that broke the silence between us, we were concentrating too much on each other we barely noticed it.

“Jared leave the poor girl alone,” my brother, Shannon, called. I momentarily looked at him and she made a break for it, running through the lounge and into the kitchen. I followed suit and soon I had cornered her, blocking the only exit to the room.

“Damn it! Mental note, never run into the kitchen when trying to get away from Jared,” she muttered and I smiled. Suddenly she fell to the floor, seemingly exhausted from the chase. I ran to her side, worrying about her health, the doctor had said that she could experience periods of exhaustion as the disease took its toll.

“Nikki! Nikki, are you alright?” I asked. She shook her head and I tried to look at her face, she was facing downwards, not letting me see her eyes or the smile that played on her lips. Without warning she glided past me and ran to the door, I laughed and quickly ran after her, grabbing her by the waist and lifting her over my shoulder swiftly.

She had lost a dramatic amount of weight during her treatment, which was another reason she gave me to justify her stopping her treatment. She didn’t like being so ill and weak, she always loved to do things and her treatment was stopping her from doing it. Why did I listen to her? Why did I let her have her way? Maybe it was so I could see her happy, to see her smile again.

“Jared, please let me down.”

“Never Nikki.”

“But I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life!”

“You shouldn’t have flicked me, ran away and then pretend to be sick.”

“It was all in good fun.”

“You have a weird sense of fun.”

“Yeah I guess you could say that, but seriously Jared I don’t feel good.”

I quickly let her go and placed her softly on a chair, looking into her eyes, worried once more.

“You okay? I didn’t hurt you did I?”

She didn’t reply and looked down dejectedly, nodding. I embraced her softly, in the fear that I would hurt her once more, I breathed in her sweet scent and she hugged me back. As I let go of her and looked into her eyes she had a playful grin on her face.

“Fooled you again.”

“Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you.” I told her, smirking.

“Oh stop quoting movies at me!”

“It’s not a film quote honey.”

“Fine. You’re still a duck.”

“But I’m your duck.”

“Yay! Jared is mine!” She shouted happily, grinning from ear to ear.

“That’s the only way I’d want it to be.”

Oh how I wish I could see her smile again, hear her gentle voice in my ears, feel her body against mine. God had taken my angel away and I could do nothing against it. I listened to the advice she gave me all those years ago, about how I should make a band and put my ability in music to good use. She was the first person to hear me sing, the first person to truly believe in me. The first person I had loved. A few of 30 seconds to mars’ songs were based on my feelings towards Nikki, lord knows I will never forget her.

It’s time to forget about the past/ to wash away what happened last/ hide behind an empty face/ don’t ask too much the same/ ‘cause this is just a game/ it’s a beautiful lie/ a perfect denial.