Curiousity Killed the Cat

I felt numb.

I couldn’t feel anything as I watched Harry yelling for him to come back, as I saw him run off after Bellatrix, as I saw some of the members to shed a tear.

I was numb.

It was my fault. If I would have seen that happening, I might have been able to prevent it. If I had been more convincing to Harry, we couldn’t have been here, none of this would have happened. If I didn’t have these powers, I would be able to be like everyone else, just feeling bad for him. If I hadn’t escaped from Azkaban I wouldn’t be in this position. If I wasn’t a witch, I wouldn’t have even known this was happening. If I wasn’t born, I would be peaceful.

It was my fault.

I heard everyone run off after Harry, knowing that he was going to do something he’d regret. I didn’t move, actually, I’m not sure if I could move. I just sat there, knees pulled up to my chest, my face buried in my arms. I couldn’t cry, not matter how much I wanted to.

And I hated that.

I felt someone sit down next to me, but I didn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t show my face to anyone right now; I was ashamed of myself. I felt someone’s arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling my to their chest.

“It’s not your fault,” Luna’s soft, dreamy voice whispered. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything but sit there, knowing that Sirius would never be able to tease me again, never call me that stupid nickname, never be there to comfort me.

Never again.

“He’s gone,” I finally spoke, my voice not even a whisper.

“Only for now,” Luna said, softly, “only for now.”

There was nothing left to say, nothing left to do. I sat there, not moving, as Luna held onto me, not her usual bubbly sound. I could hear everyone’s voices from the distance and knew that something was happening but I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to move. I wanted it to all end. I wanted to be normal. I wanted peace.

At times like this, most of the people would tell me to be strong, that everything will work out, it‘s okay. Luna didn’t do anything like that and I’m grateful for that. I didn’t want any pity or sympathy, I wanted peace. I wanted to be like Luna, always happy with reality by making up things which she believed in. I wanted to able to be myself, rather than the broken person I was.

I do not know how long Luna and I were sitting there, not moving nor talking, but I did not care. I would have spent my lifetime like this rather than have to go though each day, trying to be strong when all I wanted to do was break down.

I knew the others would be back soon, but until they did, I didn’t think of them. I thought of life in general. Why do we lose the ones we love most? Why is it that three years seems like only moments? Why does it never get easier, thinking of them. Why must we use past tense when talking about the ones we lost. Did we really lose them? Or are they here with us, we just can’t see them?

I heard people talking and I knew that the others were back. I heard soft mutters as they saw Luna and me, still motionless. I knew that they felt uncomfortable being near me, why wouldn’t they. They knew that I was blaming myself more than Harry was and they didn’t know how it felt.

I wanted someone to understand. I wanted someone to shut their mouths with the “it’s okay” shit. I wanted someone to just shut up and try and understand how I must feel. I felt a new love for Luna as I remembered that she was here.

“I’ll take her, Luna,” Remus said, quietly, breaking the silence that seemed to have fallen on the world.

“I don’t think she will move,” Luna said, shifting a bit next to me. I wasn’t going to, she was right. I felt myself being lifted up into the air, resting next to someone’s chest. I opened my eyes and saw Remus carrying me out, Luna trailing behind us.

“Thank you,” I said, my amber eyes emotionless. He didn’t respond but then again, I didn’t expect him to. I smelled ashes and I knew we had to be by a fireplace, about to travel by Floo Powder. I could hear the snapping of cameras in the distance; the press had to be there, wanting the scoop. I was glad Remus decided to go to one far, far away from that. He knew I didn’t want to be in the spot light.

I felt us begin to spin quickly and, before I knew it, we were in Dumbledore’s office. Remus set me down carefully, making sure that I didn’t fall or anything.

“Will you be alright?” he asked, his voice tired. I wasn’t the only one to lose Sirius. Remus had lost all of his dearest friends: two killed and one betrayed both of them.

“I’ll manage,” I answered after a few moments. He nodded before going back into the flames of the fireplace, disappearing before my very eyes. I knew he wanted me to wait here for Professor Dumbledore, but I couldn’t. It was midnight, no one was up and about, no one was broken and lost. I walked out of the office, making my way to the Ravenclaw house, or attempting to. I couldn’t even make it out of the hallway connecting to his office. I slide down the wall, burying my face in my hands.

That’s when the tears came.

I hadn’t cried since I was brought to Azkaban for the first day. True, I’d shed some tears every now and then but it was never crying.

This was crying.

I felt the tears fall down my face before I could stop my, my amber eyes becoming a watery mess. Rather than thinking of all the world and how it’s unfair, I wrapped my mind around Sirius. I wasn’t crying because it was my fault, I was crying because he was gone.

I had lost someone who was basically my father, the first one in my whole life to care about me, not abandon me because I was different. The only one who understood what I had been though was gone, leaving me in the darkness.

I remembered the first day I met him: I had snuck into his cell to read a newspaper scrap he had. It was the first time I had someone to talk to. I still remember what he told me when I had told him I was curious.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I let out a shaky laugh, despite my current state. I could almost hear his voice saying that, the low rumble it was. I remembered when he got my blond hair dye, the color I hadn’t the most, or when he choked after I told him I was going to the Yule Ball with Harry, when he sent me that dress because he knew I didn’t have one.

I heard someone walking, causing me to look up. I glanced up to see Harry, emerging from Dumbledore’s office, an empty expression. He looked at me.

“He wasn’t there,” he said, his voice as empty as his expression but I knew that he was dying inside. I stood up, my back against the wall.

“He wasn’t there,” I said, my voice cracking as stray tears rolled down my wet cheeks. I don’t remember running at him, or him running at me, but the next thing I knew, I was latched onto Harry, holding him tightly.

I heard the others emerging from the office, their voices quieting down when they saw Harry and me. I realized I must have looked like shit: hair a complete mess, eyeliner running, my face all blotchy, uniform a combination of dirty, sweat, and blood.

They were still standing there, staring at us when we finally broke apart. I looked at all of them, a confused expression on my face.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”