Curiousity Killed the Cat

The song describes it all.
Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayor

Who ever thought the hardest thing I’d ever lived though would be walking though a empty hallway.

Walking though an empty hallway, seeing Harry also walking yet he wasn’t looking at me. He didn’t look at me, he was ignoring me. He didn’t care. I didn’t look at him, my emotions getting the better of me as I childishly walked faster, looking down at my feet.

That stung. That he wasn’t looking at me, ignoring me as if I was a ghost, a past lover. I felt like a ghost. Hermione and Ron and Ginny, they didn’t talk to me. Was it because I wasn’t with Harry? Is that the only reason they liked me? Because they had to? Luna was there for me, but I shook her off. I wasn’t going to be a charity case, dragging my friend away from the person who makes her happy.

“Elyse?” Hermione said, sitting down next to me in the library. It was past hours and most students were scrambling to get to their houses on time, all but me. I embraced this empty library, looking at the thousands of books on so many shelves. Some were books on magic and history, while some were Muggle romance books, for those students in Muggle Studies. I read every Muggle romance there was, it’s what I’ve been doing with my spare time lately.

I looked up, an empty expression on my face. “Yes?”

Hermione shifted her weight, nervous at the site of my calm, even voice. “Um, can I talk to you?”

“About what?”

“About, er, well Harry,” she said, causing me to cringe when I felt my heart drop a bit. When I didn’t respond, she continued. “He is really sorry and understands if you don’t want to talk to him.”

“He understands?” I said, my voice dropping a bit, emotions cracking under it. “He understands what it’s like to be told that you aren’t what the person you love wants? That you aren’t what they were looking for in a person, despite all you‘ve been though?”

“Well, no I don’t---” she started to say but stopped when I spoke again.

“To stay up all night, wondering who’s to blame. Is it my fault for being more, as he said, ‘like a guy than a girl’ or is it his for being so closed minded?” I said, frowning.

“Elyse, I didn’t know---”

“Having to tell yourself,” I said, loudly over her voice, “that you will never been loved by another person because you’ve been living a lie your whole life?”

“He still loves you---!”

“Hermione,” I said, snapping a bit. “I’ve been rejected me whole life. My parents didn’t love me enough to except my differences. The only person who did is now dead and the guy I love doesn’t understand that what he said, me not being good enough for his standards, really hurt me.”

Silence fell upon us, both of us not sure what to say.

“Elyse,” Hermione said, softly as if not to frighten me. “No matter what you might think, Harry loves you more than he’s willing to admit.”

“I sure hope so,” I said, my voice cracking with emotions, “because if he doesn’t, then I’ve just been played by Harry Potter.”

Like all strong, bold teenage girls, we all have our breaking point.

Mine was when Cho informed the whole common room that Harry Potter was single.

So now I lay on my bed, crying like I swore I never would, my blond hair sticking to my face as shaky sobs glided though my body. Did he tell everyone that or was this just one of their silly little hopes. I knew that the second one was most likely but I had never thought Harry would hurt me like that, yet he did. Would I be surprised if he told everyone we weren’t together anymore? I honesty don’t know anymore.

I wondered what most teenage girls would do at a time like this. Perhaps cry on a friend’s shoulder, listening to her rant about what a jerk he was. Or they may cry to their mothers, telling them how you loved him and he just dumped you. Some angry girls might run to their fathers, telling them that he broke her heart, the father swearing that they will make them regret hurting their little girl.

I wasn’t anyone’s little girl. I was alone. No one understood.

More tears streaked down my face as I wondered if Hermione was telling the truth earlier today or if she was just lying, convinced that deep down Harry felt that way. I should have listened to her, maybe if I did none of this would have happened. Harry and I could be off in a broom closet or something, acting as if this never happened.

But should I let Harry off the hook that easily? After all the things he has put me though? I don’t want to give up and let him think that it really didn’t hurt me. I never knew any of these relationships things, so why am I getting a crash course in this? I hated knowing that he didn’t care as much as I did.

I hated knowing that I truly wasn’t good enough for Harry.