And I Thought I Loved You Then

December 23rd, 2013

10:30 am

Tucking his useless cell phone into his jeans pocket, Sid leaned over the nurses station, and scooping up the receiver on the desk top phone reserved for public use with his left hand, punched in the familiar seven digit number with his right index finger. When the anaesthesiologist had come in to administer a spinal catheter, that had been his cue to the leave the room. The last thing he wanted to see was anything being inserted into the small of his wife's back. Needles gave him the creeps. Always had and always would. Twenty six years old and he couldn't even watch when someone drew blood from his arm or the trainers needed to inject cortisone into a bad knee or shoulder. And seeing someone else getting a needle made him queasy. The epidural had been the one thing he'd told Autumn right from the get go he did not want to witness.

Unless she wanted a doctor to be picking him up off of the floor after he fainted.

"Wimp," she'd complained, when his eyes had widened when during their tour of the labour and delivery ward, the OB had showed them exactly how large the epidural needle actually was and he'd promptly issued up a 'Hell no.'

She'd always been able to handle the gross stuff. Ryan's vomit and excrement when he got the flu each and every year was nothing to her. She could even gut a fish without blinking an eye, or wander out onto their back deck back in Halifax -where they returned to every summer- and scoop up the dead squirrels and rabbits the dogs left them for presents on a near constant basis. And when he'd blown a knee that had required an operation -and thankfully hadn't ended his career at only twenty five- and ended up developing a nasty infection that required medical packing being stuffed into the wound, she never flinched or complained when it came to changing the dressing.

He honestly didn't know how he'd survive without her. How he'd ever survived before her in fact. Until he'd met her and had quickly fallen hopelessly and crazily in love with her, his life had been on one track. All that had mattered was being the best at hockey. It was his be all and end all and nothing was going to stand in his way of being better than everything else. It had been an obsession. What had drove him to ignore other aspects of his life. And becoming a husband and father -Ryan would always be his son, and he loved him as if he was his own, regardless of skin colour and DNA- had made him realize just how damn lonely he'd actually been. That he'd been pushing himself so hard because he didn't have anything else to fill his life.

Autumn had taught him, without a lot of bumps and swerves in the road, how to balance the two very distinct parts of his life. How to leave things that people said about him or the pressures of 'the job' behind him when he stepped through the front door or came home after being on the road for a painfully long time. She had made him realize that at the end of it all, when he could no longer play the sport he loved and had to pack it in, it would be her and their children that would still be there when the rest of the world moved on to someone else. The next big thing.

Most of all, he'd learned not to be so selfish and demanding. How to be a team player off of the ice.

Like his mother said three years ago on his wedding day, "She's taken you and turned you into a man."

xxxxx

The phone pressed to his ear, Sid turned his back towards the desk. Giving him some privacy as the nurses behind him chatted noisily and their fingers tapped at keyboard keyboards and they flipped through patient charts. The call was already on it's fourth ring. Four more and it would be sent to the call answering service. And he slightly panicked at the thought of his family being stupid enough to wander out into such shit ass weather.

He kept his head down. Eyes riveted on the floor as he used the toes of one foot to trace out the patterns on the tiles. His sock sliding smoothly across the gleaming service as he attempted to ignore the activity taking place around him. The pregnant women that were wandering the halls with their significant others in hopes of speeding up their contractions. In obvious discomfort, stopping every now and then when the pain became too intense to carry on. Their partners stroking their backs and their hair and whispering reassurances in their ears. He tried his best to close out the noises going on behind the closed doors of the other birthing areas and to not notice the curious stares that he got from everyone that walked past.

Not so much because he wanted his privacy. Although it irritated the shit out of him that there were some ignorant bastards who would both disrespect their own wives, and his own, by actually approaching him for an autograph or even a picture in the middle of the L and D ward. What he was really intent on ignoring was the seemingly perfect lives that continued on around him. The perfect babies that were being born around him. The perfect ones that hadn't quite made it into the world yet. The parents who had no idea how lucky they were that their kid was going to arrive healthy and -as much as he hated to use the word - normal.

These were people that couldn't honestly understand what the hell it felt like to know for the last twenty weeks that something wasn't right. That the baby that you'd fought so goddamn hard just to sustain past a safe date wasn't ever going to be like the other kids. To have to wait for five months to bring a child into the world that would need extra care and extra help. For the rest of their life. These were parents that would make a big deal out of teething and diaper rashes and the smallest cough and sneeze. Not knowing that just feet away stood someone that had tremendous issues to deal with. A heart defect that would need surgery to repair. Years of physiotherapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy. Worries about thyroid problems and hearing and vision loss. A complex list that went on and on and on with no end in sight.

There'd be no hesitation to have the baby regardless of what the amniocentesis at twenty weeks had said. Their chances of carrying to term were remote in the first place. As far as they were concerned, diagnosis or no diagnosis, that baby was a miracle. And deserved a chance at life.

Of course, it wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't a terminal illness or something catastrophic. But it was still his baby and the realization that something was wrong had hit him like a ton of bricks. And it ate away at him day in and day out.

The truth of the matter was that he was jealous of all of those other dads. Who didn't have the weight of the world on their shoulders.

xxxxx

"Hello?!" Ryan's cheerful voice finally rang out on the other end of the line. "Dad? Is that you?"

Almost three years from the day Sid had heard that simple three letter word for a first time, it still touched a special place in his heart. And he would remember that moment for the rest of his life when he'd taken Ryan, a week shy of his ninth birthday, with him to pick out whatever the kid wanted to furnish the room that would be all his own in the recently purchased house in Sewickley they'd be moving into in a months time. Ryan had been quiet all day. Simply pointing at things and offering up one word answers or nodding or shaking his head when asked if he liked something. And at the end of the day, as they drove home, he'd turned to Sid with tears in his eyes and asked, a tiny, nervous and almost terrified voice,

"Does this mean I can call you dad now?"

He'd been completely and utterly shocked by the honest question. Here was a kid who'd lost his birth father at such a young age and who desperately needed someone to take his place. To assume the role of his dad. Who was frightened of being denied and turned away.

There'd been no hesitation on Sid's part to assume that title in the kid's life. Or to legally adopt him and have Ryan's last name changed.

Although he'd nearly had to pull the car over he'd been so damn emotional.

"Hey buddy," Sid greeted. "How's things going? You being good for grandma and grandpa?"

"Grandpa's making pancakes," Ryan told him. "Blueberry ones. Auntie Taylor's complaining that he doesn't make them right. Has mommy had the baby yet? Is that why you're calling?"

"No baby yet," he said. "We're still waiting. Things aren't exactly going the way we planned. Hopefully soon, though."

"Yeah..." Ryan agreed. "That would be a cool Christmas gift."

"It would be," Sid concurred. Not having the hard to tell the kid that while his sister would definitely be born by Christmas, she wouldn't be leaving the hospital and coming home anytime soon. "Listen, I don't have a lot of time 'cause your mom will start freaking out if I'm gone too long. Is your grandma there? Can you get her for me?"

"Sure....hang on..." there was a loud rattling noise as the phone was laid down, followed by Ryan bellowing, "Grandma! Dad's on the phone! He wants to talk to you!"

Issuing a heavy sigh, Sid leaned back against the nurses station and ran his left hand over his weary, unshaven face; the thick platinum wedding band that graced his third finger cold against his skin. Movement out of the corner of his right eye captured his attention, and an annoyed groan escaped his mouth at the sight of the young man, his hair and clothes dishevelled, that stood rocking back and forth on his heels several feet away. The same guy who, for the past twelve plus hours since they'd arrived, seemed to pop up everywhere Sid went. He'd gotten guy's life history two hours after they'd been admitted. How he was a laid off steelworker and his wife -his high school sweetheart- was in there getting ready to pop out their sixth kid. And how he was afraid he wouldn't be able to feed that many mouths.

"But that's not something you have to worry about huh?" he'd said, prompting Sid to almost ask him he was looking for a hand out.

After that, it seemed as if this guy just wouldn't leave him alone. Despite the fact that his wife had given birth six hours ago and had been transferred down the hall to the post-partum unit. While he didn't mind the small chit chat -as long as the person on the other end of that conversation didn't mind that he was offhanded and short tempered because of his frazzled nerves- he just knew that there was more behind the seemingly innocent questions.

He cleared his throat noisily and looked down at the tiles once again. Attempting to just stay cool, calm and collect instead of letting his nerves get the best of him. His head snapping in the direction of his new found friend when he saw him take a couple steps towards him.

"Dude, you need to use the phone?" Sid asked, annoyance creeping into his voice. "You need change for a payphone or something? 'Cause this is a private conversation. As in none of your business."

"What's none of my business?" his mother asked, as she caught the tail end of his sentence.

"I've got myself a stalker," Sid replied, and turned his back on the other man. "Everywhere I go, this guy is there. For the last..." he consulted his watch. "...fourteen hours, he's been trailing me around. Yapping about his personal life. Making these weird remarks."

"Well maybe he's just nervous about becoming a father and he thought since the two of you had something in common..."

"Mom...he's gone through this six times. What's there to be nervous about? And his wife hatched the kid six hours ago. And she's down the hall. So I don't know what in the hell his problem is..."

"I think your nerves are starting to act up," Trina said.

"Starting to? My nerves went down the shitter fourteen hours ago. And if this guy doesn't..." he frowned as his 'friend' move into his line of sight. "Hang on for a second mom..." covering the end of the receiver with the palm of his hand, Sid turned to face the other man. "Okay...I give...what do you want from me?" he asked. "Whatever it is better be good 'cause I'm not in the mood for..."

He held up his hands. In one was a scrap piece of paper and a pen. In the other was a digital camera.

"Are you kidding me?" Sid laughed. "Get the hell out of here. Time and place, buddy. And this? This isn't the time or place, alright?"

He turned his back completely on the would be autograph seeker and returned to his conversation.

"Can you honestly believe someone would think that this is a good time to go all fan boy?" he asked his mother. "I mean, the labour and delivery ward for Christ sakes? What is that all about?"

"Just ignore him and stay calm," Trina pleaded. "The last thing you need is to be going off on him and then having the incident splashed all over the papers."

"Last thing I need? Last thing he needs is my fist in his face. Asking for an autograph at a time like this? That's like a plumber coming into your house and taking a huge dump in your broken toilet."

Trina gave a small laugh. "Instead of going on a rant, how about telling me how things are going?" she suggested. "Am I a grandmother yet or....?"

"Things are going slow," Sid said. "Painfully slow. The doctor just came and checked Autumn and she's only seven centimetres. I mean, that's a remarkable improvement to where we were a few hours ago..."

"But not remarkable enough," Trina concluded. "Well what did he say? Is he going to induce or..."

"They've giving her some kind of meds to kick start things. I don't know what it's called. Pitocin or something like that. And she's still having wicked back labour so they're putting in one of those spinal catheters so they can keep giving her some pain meds when she starts feeling uncomfortable. Mind you, she'd rather be knocked right out but...."

"Mr Crosby..." a gentle voice piped up from alongside of him, followed by the touch of a small, soft hand on his shoulder.

xxxxx

He glanced over and gave Autumn's nurse a smile. Five foot five, with an athletic body and shimmering shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes, Rylan was fresh out of Penn State, and with her calm voice and her equally as composed demeanour and compassion, she'd been a god send to both him and Autumn during the last three hours that she'd been on shift. Autumn had been terrified of the nurse -an older woman with stark white hair and a nasally voice and zero to know bedside manner- that had been in charge of her care before the younger woman arrived. Rylan had won them both over when she'd announced upon walking into the room that she was known as the 'baby whisperer' around the ward. She'd talked many a baby on out of their 'warm, safe place' as she called it. She remained collected under pressure and made sure that they were both comfortable and well taken care of during their stay.

"The anaesthesiologist is finished now," she told him. "And a paediatric intern will be coming to talk to you and your wife about the care the baby will need in the NICU after birth..."

"Thanks," he said, then nearly let out a loud profanity when he remembered that his mother was still on the phone. And that she'd more than likely heard what had just been said.

The diagnosis of Down Syndrome had been his and Autumn's closely guarded secret for the past twenty weeks. They'd wanted to keep it to themselves until after the baby was born. Wanting to spend that time getting adjusted to the news themselves and reading every piece of information they could get their hands on. In reality, they'd done little more than mope around and bitch and moan about their lot in life. And worry incessantly about their daughter's future.

He contemplated his options before returning to his call. There were two things he could do. One was to just pretend that nothing had ever been said and ignore his mother's questions. The second was to just cough up a confession, which meant breaking his wife's confidence.

Sid decided the former was definitely the smartest route to take.

After all, he wasn't married to his mother. She couldn't turf him to the couch for the rest of his natural born life.

"So I just wanted to call you guys and give you a heads up," Sid said into the phone. "Let you know that she's doing okay and that the baby is fine and the doctor says things are going good and that we..."

"What was that about?" Trina asked curiously.

"What was what about?"

"I heard whoever that was say something about a paediatric intern wanting to talk to you and Autumn about the care the baby would need in the NICU after she was born. What was that..."

"That was Autumn's nurse," Sid explained. "Rylan. She just wanted me to know that I can go back in the room now."

"I heard that part," his mother informed him. "But I also heard her say that the baby would need care in the special nursery after birth. What was that about?"

"Nothing," he brushed it off. "It wasn't about anything. Guess they're just a bit worried about her coming a few weeks earlier. Especially with all the problems Autumn's had. Guess they just want to be on the safe side, is all."

"Don't bullshit me," Trina snapped. "I'm your mother. I brought you into this world, remember? I raised you. And I didn't raise you to hand me a load of crap. Now you've never been a good liar, Sidney. Even when you were ten, trying to blame broken windows on the other kids in the neighbourhood when I knew damn well it was you pretending to be the next Larry Walker bashing home runs out of the backyard."

"Good thing I concentrated on hockey, huh?" he attempted to lighten the mood. And knock his mother off track. "If my batting skills were that bad."

"Don't you do that," Trina scolded him. "Don't you give me that laugh and try and change the subject. I've been your mother for twenty six years now. And I know when there's something wrong. And there's something wrong."

"Mom...you're just overreacting," he assured her, as he turned to watch, and listen, as Rylan informed his stalker that she was going to call security if he didn't respect the Crosby family's privacy. "There's nothing wrong. Not with Autumn, not with the baby. They're both fine. The doctor is just worried about the prematurity. That's all. No big deal."

"It is a big deal," she insisted. "This is my daughter in law and my grandbaby we're talking about. My first biological grandbaby at that and you're..."

"And I'm not anything," he interjected. "There's nothing wrong, okay? They just don't want to take any chances. So they're just going to take her to the NICU and check her out."

Trina fell silent. "I don't know why you're being like this," she sighed. "Why you're being so...mysterious."

"I'm not being anything," Sid argued. "I'm just a little on edge is all. After all the times we lost a baby and with all the problems with this pregnancy...I just want things to go nice and smooth. That's all. So I'm a bit freaked out."

"You're hiding something," his mother declared.

"I'm not hiding anything," he said. "There's nothing wrong. If there was something wrong don't you think I'd tell you?"

"Honestly? No. I don't think you would. Because you know how upset I got the other times when things didn't pan out. And you know that I'd freak out if something was wrong. I think you'd keep something back to protect me from getting upset."

"There is nothing wrong," Sid told her. "Nothing. You're just getting a little paranoid."

"Don't you think I have a reason to? With what the two of you have already been through and the scares this time around? You don't think I have a reason to be worried? You're my son. My first born. I don't care how old you are or if you're a married man. You're still my baby. And if something is bothering you...."

"What makes you think something is bothering me? I just told you that everything was okay and that things were going good. Why would you...?"

"Because I know you. Better than you know yourself," Trina informed her. "The only person that knows you better than I do is your wife. And if you'd rather I call the room and talk to her...."

"Okay...there's no reason to threaten me with thoughts of bodily harm at the hands of my wife. There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing is bothering me. I'm just stressed out and on edge and..."

"And you've been that way for the past few months!" Trina cried. "It's been like walking on egg shells around you, Sidney! It's been like...like you're hiding something from everyone. Your dad's even noticed it."

"Dad's always been the freaky overprotective one," Sid said. "You guys are just reading too much into things. If I've been acting weird it's only because I've been worried about Autumn and getting her to this point. Safe and sound. That's all. I'm not hiding anything from anyone, okay? So if you'd just drop it...."

"I found an old appointment card of Autumn's," his mother informed her. "I was going through that day planner of hers in case I needed to find some numbers of people to call..."

"Any number you'd need I already left for you," Sid fought to keep his temper in check.

"The appointment was for August 21st. That was a Tuesday. And it was for the hospital in Halifax. For an amniocentesis. Why would Autumn need to have an amnio? What is going on here? What are you not telling me?"

Sid sighed and propping his elbow on top of the nurses station, closed his eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger as his mother continued to pepper him with questions.

"This is not something to be taking so lightly!" she exclaimed. "I can't believe that there might be something wrong with the baby and you're not telling me!"

"Mom...." he began. "It's not that I don't want to tell you or I haven't wanted to tell you..."

“So there is something wrong,” she said in an accusatory tone.

“I can’t…” he chose his words carefully. “I just can’t talk about it right now, okay? Autumn and I agreed that we’d keep it between us. That we wouldn’t tell anyone until after the baby as born. And right now? Right now all I want to worry about is the whole birth thing. I don’t want to think about what’s going to happen afterwards.”

“Sidney…” Trina sounded as if she was near tears. “What is wrong? Is it something serious?”

“Mom…I’ve got…”

“Is it something major?” she ignored him. “Is it something that…oh my god…is it something that’s incompatible with life?”

“It’s nothing…” he took a deep breath and released it slowly. “It’s serious but it’s not life or death, alright? That’s all I can tell you right now. And I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything before, but this is the way that Autumn and I wanted to do things. It was our decision. Together. And I know there’s no excuse for not telling you or dad…”

“We’re your parents!” she cried. “That’s our grandchild!”

“I know…and I know that nothing I say will make the choice that Autumn and I made seem okay to you. But it’s something we’ve been dealing with on our own. We had our reasons. And right now…mom, right now I just need to get back to her, alright? She’s my priority. And I need to go and make sure she’s okay.”

“Fine…” Trina huffed. “But as soon as that baby is born…”

“I will call you,” he promised. “And I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ve got to go.”

“Give her a hug and kiss from me and your dad and your sister,” his mom said. “And tell her that…well just tell her that we love her. Both of you. All three of you. No matter what it is that’s wrong.”

A lump of emotion wedged in Sid’s throat and he felt tears sting his eyes.

“I love you too,” he told her, and leaned over the desk to hang up the phone.

Sighing heavily, he ran his hands over his face and forced himself to get his shit together. It wasn’t going to do anyone any good, especially Autumn and the baby, to let the emotions and fears he’d been bottling up for the past four months get the better of him. He needed to be the strong one. The rock.

Clearing his throat noisily, he turned on his heel and headed back towards the room.