And I Thought I Loved You Then

*back to the past here folks. So there's no confusion!

“I spent a year at boarding school…”

Autumn glanced over her shoulder, a forkful of key lime meringue poised by her lips, an eyebrow arched quizzically as Sidney’s words -the first in nearly an hour- filled the basement. Up until that point she’d wondered if he’d fallen asleep as they relaxed on the couch in the family room. As they lounged around, the television playing a Gossip Girl marathon and the clock nearing on the DVD player neared eleven, the rest of the house was bathed in silence. They had retreated to the basement once the after dinner clean up had been completed, Ryan was tucked into bed and Zara had announced she was heading out for the rest of the evening.

Up until then, Sidney and Autumn had been stuck firmly in ‘awkward new couple territory’. Unsure of how to act towards each other around other people. Shying away from most forms of affection and physical contact, save for small smiles exchanged across the table or when they were alone, the light and playful teasing they tossed back and forth. And their arms brushing up against each other while they worked side by side in the kitchen attending to the dishes.

He hadn’t kissed her since their moment in his SUV. And he was dying to kiss her again. As much as possible, in fact. Likewise, the lack of that small form of intimacy was driving Autumn crazy. Usually she shied away from even that kind of behaviour with a guy she’d just gotten involved with.

Usually.

And while he was too shy and perhaps too nervous to do it again, she in turn was too self conscious to initiate the contact herself. So instead, they satisfied themselves with little more than talking and watching TV. Holding hands or his arm around her shoulder and her tucked tight into his side. Being that close to him was…intoxicating. And she revelled in the way his body felt. The warmth of him and the way the muscles in his chest and arms moved against her. The smell of him; the faint scent of laundry detergent that lingered on his clothes mixed in with his cologne. And the way she could feel his breath against her skin and hear his heart beating. Everything about him seemed so…perfect. Or at least those moments alone with him were.

“For a year,” he continued, eyes still closed, head resting back against the couch as he sat leaning against the arm of the sofa with his left leg stretched out and the foot of his right planted on the floor while she sat with her back against his chest, a plate of dessert in her possession. His hand left hand was resting lightly on her stomach; the thumb just underneath the bottom of her t-shirt, softly stroking her silky skin.

He’d been surprised when he’d discovered that along with the tongue piercing, she also had a navel ring and a handful of tattoos. From the rosary on the top of her foot and around her ankle, to the celestial sun on the inside of her left wrist. And two more elaborate pieces of ‘art’. Two koi fish forming a circle on the back of her neck, her son’s name and date of birth in the middle of them. And a Tinkerbell that took up nearly her entire right side that must have hurt like a bitch to have done.

Head to toe, she was an enigma. Totally unlike anyone he’d ever known.

Aside from her personal appearance -she hid the ‘naughtier’ side of herself under her conservative work attire- what really made Autumn stand out from any other woman he’d ever come across was her personality. She was vibrant and bubbly. Feisty and independent. She took absolutely no shit. From anyone. And she didn’t expect anyone to fight her battles. Most importantly, she didn’t fawn all over him or even seem to care about who he was and the image that came with him. She treated him like a normal guy off of the street. Her entire family did for that matter. And he couldn’t remember a time feeling more at ease and relaxed. Or when he’d felt it was okay to just be himself.

xxxx

“What is going on in that head of yours that you’d pop that out?” she laughed. “Were you thinking about it or…”

“I was just going over what that douche bag said to you,” Sid told her. “About thinking that Ryan needed to go to boarding school and how he even had the stones to give you brochures about it. I mean, how big of an ass is that guy?”

“Well…” she used her fork to scrape some meringue off of the top of the pie, then cleaned it off with her tongue. “…let’s put it this way,” she said. “His third wife? He made her sign a pre-nup that stated if they divorced after three years, she’d get half of everything. If it happened before, nothing. And of course, she was madly in love with him and had no intention of every splitting up with him. So she signed it without hesitation.”

“And?” Sid asked.

“And he filed for divorce the day before their third anniversary,” Autumn replied.

He snorted. “Douche is too nice of a word for that guy,” he declared.

“Way too nice. She tried to fight it. To no avail. Her lawyer didn’t stand a chance. Now she’s apparently an alcoholic and she lost her job because of it and is living in tenement housing in Scranton and barely surviving on food stamps. While Doctor McSleazy prowls the streets of Pittsburgh and surrounding areas looking for wife number four.”

“What about the first two wives?”

“They both work at the hospital Nurses. One is in the ER, the other is in same day surgery. And he wasn’t smart enough to ask for pre-nups with them. So they soak him for whatever they can. I mean, he does have six kids.”

“A starting line up,” Sid said. “”And you actually were into this guy?”

“I was young and stupid,” she reasoned.

“Autumn, it was like two months ago you met him.”

“Young and stupid,” she insisted, and popped a piece of pie into her mouth. “Would you ever get a pre-nup?” she asked curiously. “I mean, you make almost nine million a year just with your salary alone. Never mind what you probably rake in through endorsements and stuff like that. I don’t need actual figures, but I know that you’re bank account probably has a disgustingly large balance.”

“I’ve never thought about stuff like that,” he admitted. “Pre-nups. Probably because I’ve never really ever thought about getting married. I know that one day I want to get married and have kids. I’d like to have a big family. But I’ve never actually sat down and thought about it. My agent would probably say it’s the smart thing to do.”

“As unromantic as looking at every woman as a gold digger is, it is a smart thing to do,” Autumn said. “I mean, let’s face it. There’s a lot of girls out there that would just hook up with someone for money. Tons of them in fact. You’d be stupid not to protect yourself.”

“That’s what condoms are for,” he joked.

“You know what I mean. Financially? It’s best to have all your bases covered.”

“I don’t know…” he sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “I guess maybe I’m a hopeless romantic who likes to think that whoever I get involved with isn’t after me for my money. That if I do get married, whoever I pick isn’t going to take me to the cleaners.”

“That’s…” she chose her words carefully. “Naïve…no offence.”

Sid shrugged. “I guess when I am ready for marriage and what not, I’ll be older and look at things differently. I don’t know. Right now? Right now I’m twenty two and I don’t really look that far ahead into my future. When it happens, it happens. Know what I mean?”

She nodded. “And this whole boarding school thing…”

“It was just something that made me think about when I went there,” he said. “I wasn’t saying that I agree with the guy or anything. It just made me think about when my folks sent me away. My dad thought it would be good for me. Toughen me up. Get used to being away from home.”

“So he sent you all the way to Shattuck-Saint Mary’s in Minnesota? That’s pretty far for the first time away. Isn’t that place the birthplace of many hockey phenoms?”

“How’d you…”

“I can read. Your entire life story is out there. Being from Nova Scotia I already know the basics behind Canada’s prodigal son. But I wanted to know more so I did my research before you showed up at the hospital. So I googled you.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “And that doesn’t sound at all fan girl stalkerish,” he teased, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do,” she reasoned. “Were you homesick?” she asked. “Being away from your family?”

“Yeah…but I’m just like that. I get a little homesick every now and then even now. And I haven’t really been home, around my parents for a prolonged period of time for years. They come up here as much as they can and I see them during the summer. But between you and me? It’s actually my sister I miss. Don’t get me wrong. My mom and dad are cool. It’s just…”

“Like all parents, they’re a pain in the ass,” Autumn concluded.

Sid nodded. “Love my folks. I do. They sacrificed a lot to get me where I am now. But my dad? He makes Bonnie Lindros look tame.”

Autumn shuddered at the though. “So should I be terrified of Papa Crosby?” she asked. “Is he going to go all protective over you and want to do a background check on me and all of that?”

“He’s not that bad,” Sid said. Then paused before adding with laugh, “Okay…so maybe he is.”

Autumn frowned.

“I’m kidding…he’s not like that. I honestly don’t see him caring about whether or not I have a girlfriend. He just cares about the hockey side of things. And the business aspect. He’s not going to care what I do with my personal life. At least I don’t think he will. It’s not like it’s any of his business anyway.”

“What about your mom?” she asked.

“My mom just wants me to be happy. As long as I am, she won’t care what I’m doing off the ice. As long as I’m not running around sleeping with everything that shows interest.”

“You wouldn’t have time to play hockey if that was the case,” Autumn said. Then grew quiet for a several long minutes.

xxxxx

“Are you?” she suddenly asked.

“Am I what?”

“Sleeping with everything that shows interest.”

“Is this going to be a two way conversation?” Sid asked. “’Cause I’ll answer that kind of stuff as long as I can ask those kinds of questions too. And you have to answer them.”

“Sounds like a game of truth or dare,” Autumn mused. “Sure…I’ll answer anything. I’m not shy.”

“Okay…so how many guys have you…?”

“Wait”! she laughed and pushed her body away from his. “I asked you first!” she cried over her shoulder.

He sighed. “It’s kind of embarrassing,” he said.

“So then it’s a shockingly high number?”

“No…it’s just…I don’t know….it’s probably not what you’re expecting to hear…”

“Okay…” she manoeuvred her petite body around so that she was leaning back against the opposite arm of the couch, facing him, her feet propped in his lap. The metal fork scraping across the plate as she continued to eat her pie. “…so this can go either way,” she observed. “You’re either a total man whore or you’re a twenty two year old virgin.”

“I am not a man whore,” he assured her. “Far from it. Far, far, far, far from it. But I’m not exactly pure either.”

“Alright…so…”

“I haven’t had sex in a year,” he admitted. “And before that? Before that there’s only been three girls I’ve been with.”

She found herself slightly amused at how embarrassed he was with the topic of conversation. And completely intrigued and a little more than turned on at the thought that he was even more…innocent…then she expected him to be.

“Wow…” she gave a nod. “You seriously need to be canonized as some sort of Saint for that. Three girls and you’re twenty two? And you’re a guy? You might as well be a virgin.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, I know what I’m doing and all of that and I…” Sid’s cheeks flushed. “I can not believe we’re having this conversation.”

“Word of warning, superstar. Seeing as you obviously embarrass easily? Which don’t get me wrong, is adorable, but…well if you’re worried about getting all flustered around me? Well I tend to humiliate people without even realizing I’m doing it.”

“I’ll deal,” he assured her. “But yeah…three people. One was the first and only long term girlfriend I’ve had. If you can call five months long term. I was seventeen and in Junior A and she was this local girl. The other two? Just friends of my buddies girlfriends.”

“Relationships?” Autumn asked. “Or…”

“Or,” he replied. “Just…let’s just say it was made apparent what both of us wanted before hand and leave it at that.”

“Everyone needs one of those every now and then,” she reasoned.

“One of those?”

“You know….a pure, uncomplicated fuck. No strings attached.”

Sid’s eyes widened.

“I shoot from the hip, superstar,” she laughed. “So it’s been a year?”

He nodded.

“So no Stanley Cup dirty for you?”

“Nope. It’s been a year. One long, agonizing year.”

“You’re preaching to the choir,” Autumn declared. “It’s been five for me.”

“Five?” he regarded her quizzically. “But what about…”

“Douche bag? Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t have slept with that tool without sanitizing him from head to toe first. He was a complete pig and more than a little pushy. But not. He never got to hit it.”

“So just your husband?”

“Him and this boyfriend I had back in high school,” she admitted. “And I know it’s been a year for you. But I mean, you’ve obviously been taking care of things yourself, right?”

“What?” he gave an embarrassed laugh. “Please tell me we’re not going to talk about that.”

“What’s there to be shy about?” she asked. “Every guy in the free world does it. And any guy who says that they don’t? They’re lying.”

“I’m just going to plead the fifth as far as self gratification goes,” Sid said, then glanced over at the television. “Do we really have to watch this?”

“I’m getting my Chace Crawford fix,” Autumn told him. “He’s my younger guy crush. Well, next to you that is.”

“See? The other day at the hospital you told me you never thought about younger guys. Now you’re telling me you’ve got a thing for this guy on the TV.”

“Well that doesn’t really count,” she said. “It’s not like Chace Crawford is going to come knocking on my door sometime soon. So you’re the first. The first innocent, sweet little mama’s boy I get to majorlly corrupt.”

He shook his head and blushed once again as she gave an evil, dramatic laugh.

“I’m joking, Sidney. I’m totally joking,” she grinned down at the remaining pie on her plate. “Or am I? You’re parents are going to be so terrified for your safety. They’re going to want to drag you back to Cole Harbour and lock you up in the basement to keep you safe. Or your dad’s going to wish there was an NHL team in Siberia he can have you traded to.”

“Yeah? Well my dad needs to take a pill and realize I’m not some little kid anymore. Which is exactly what I’ll tell him if he gets on my ass about having a personal life.”

“Parents always worry about their kids,” Autumn told him. “Regardless of how old they are.”

“I guess…” Sid said, and placing one hand behind his head and the other on her left shin, concentrated on the television.

“By the way…” she spoke up after a long, comfortable silence.

He looked over at her.

“I’m not at all ashamed to admit that I do it,” she said, as she finished her snack and leaned over to place the plate and fork on the coffee table. “I mean five years and nothing? You can’t honestly expect someone to not resort to something, can you?”

He didn’t respond. He was both shocked at her admission, and turned on by it. Finally, a slow grin spread across his face as a brave response formed in his head. “That’s totally hot,” he told her. “And something I’d love to see you do one day.”

xxxxx

It was her turn to be embarrassed. Her eyes widened and her heart pounded in her chest as their heavy, intense gazes never wavered from each other’s faces. She knew, by the way she was feeling and the way in which he was looking at her, how this night was going to end. And she felt completely unable to stop it. In fact, she didn’t want to. It had been a long time since she’d felt that way about someone. That she’d wanted someone that badly. And while her brain was screaming at her to get up and walk away, telling her that it was way too soon to hand over that part of herself, her heart -and more so her hormones- were telling her to just seize the moment. To just throw caution to the wind.

To just trust him.

She swallowed noisily, then shuddered as his hand drifted slowly up the side of her leg. Travelling a slow path from her ankle, over her calf and up her thigh. His fingers grazing against the silky skin of the back of her leg. Goosebumps pricked up on her flesh and her stomach fluttered with both nervousness and desire. Under normal circumstances, sex in the same house she shared with her mother in law and son would be the last thing on her mind. But these weren’t normal circumstances. And her mother in law and her son would always be there. Whether she slept with him that night or waited a week, or a month or even several months.

“I don’t want to get hurt,” she whispered. Then wondered if she’d actually set it out loud, of it she’d just thought it,

“I’m not going to hurt you Autumn,” Sid assured her, as he ran both of his hands along the tops of her thighs, then pushing himself up onto his knees, placed one on either side of her slender body.

“Physically or emotionally?” she asked, slightly intimidated by how big and strong he was compared to her petite build. And terrified by how out of control and powerless she felt.

“Both,” he replied. “Trust me, okay? I’m not going to do anything that you don’t want me to do. All you have to do is tell me to stop if you’re uncomfortable, okay?”

She nodded.

“You just have to relax and trust me,” he said, and leaned down to press soft kisses along her jaw line. “I promise you I won’t hurt you.”

She shivered at the feel of his warm, moist lips on her delicate skin, and then gave a small moan as his hand drifted from its resting place on her knee and up the inside of the leg of her shorts. And when his mouth met the corner of her lips, she reached up to tunnel her fingers in his thick, curly hair and then yanked him into an intense, greedy kiss. There was no holding back now. No second guessing what they were doing or letting their brains overrule their hearts. This was about the here and the now. Of the feelings that were just too strong to be ignored. Two people that been alone, in every sense of the word, finally finding what they’d be missing for so long. There’d be no drawn out period of long, slow kisses or choreographed foreplay. No making the first time something loving and special. Neither of them needed that. And both had all the time in the world to make every moment that happened between them after it better than the last.

“Wait…wait…” she pulled out of a kiss just as his hand reached between them to snap open the button on her shorts.

Sid looked down at her, his chest heaving, skin flushed.

“We can’t…I mean we can…” she began. “’Cause we’re both adults and if adults want to have sex they can, right? It’s just…” she fanned herself with one hand while the other clutched the bottom of his t-shirt. “We need to…we need to think about birth control…I mean, I’m on the patch and it does it’s trick when it comes to pregnancy and all of that but…do you have a condom on you?”

“I haven’t had sex in a year,” he reminded her. “I don’t exactly carry them around or anything…”

“I just…I can’t get pregnant…but…Jesus, this is embarrassing…how do you ask this without offending someone?”

“I’m clean, Autumn. Completely and perfectly clean. We get blood work done at the beginning of the season. And there’s nothing wrong with me. I can’t exactly show it to you, but…”

“This is where the old trust thing comes in,” she concluded.

He nodded. “I mean, I can just tell you that things are cool as far as I go. And I trust you.”

She closed her eyes briefly, considering her options in her head. Any other guy and she would have told them to get the hell off of her and either take their ass to a drug store or come back another day when they had protection on them. But this was just some other guy. From the moment she’d met him, there’d been a level of trust she’d never expected that quickly and easily with anyone before.

Your heart Autumn, she thought. Go with your heart. If it’s telling you that this is right…

Her eyes snapped open as she felt him start to move off of her. She pulled him back towards her aggressively, one hand in his hair, the other on his shirt. And lifting her head off of the couch, she covered his lips with hers in a long, deep kiss.

No other words were needed.