And I Thought I Loved You Then

This is a future chap folks!

xxxxx

For the first time in nearly fourteen hours, Autumn was finally comfortable. The anaesthesiologist - an East Indian man, whose name she couldn't remember and who barely looked old enough to have graduated medical school but had the softest hands she'd ever encountered- was officially her Personal Jesus. After enduring a drug free -yet thankfully relatively short- delivery with Ryan eleven years ago, she had been hoping that her second successful pregnancy would end in the exact same way. A few hours of heavy duty contractions and dilating followed by two hours of pushing. This time however, the excruciatingly painful back labour that had been plaguing her from the moment they'd gotten in the car to make the drive to the hospital, was unbearable. She'd never felt anything like it before in her entire life. It was like PMS cramps on steroids. Huge doses of them in fact. And all the walking of the room and the ward floors and the soaks in hot water in the birthing tub hadn't been doing a damn bit of difference. Walking was just too agonizing and her frayed nerves had left her with little to no patience to sit in the tub. She wanted it over with. Plain and simple. She wanted the last eight months finished; the constant nausea, vertigo and random heart palpitations behind her.

Yet at the same time, a small part of her wanted to stay pregnant forever. To keep that baby safe and sound inside of her instead of ushering her out into a world where some people would be ignorant, unaccepting and just plain cruel. While she loved her child regardless, she found it hard to completely accept the cards that they had been dealt. It was one thing to say that you'd be okay with having a child with special needs until you were actually faced with the reality of raising one for the rest of your life. When you were smacked hard in the face by overwhelming medical statistics and lists of what could be wrong with your baby. From heart and gastrointestinal defects to hearing and vision problems to a higher chance of developing childhood leukemia. The negatives were thrust in your face; no one bothered to tell you that your child would do everything a 'normal' one could do. That they'd learn to walk and talk, to read and write, to speak and to live a productive life. That while they'd develop at a slower pace, that they'd go to daycare and school with the regular kids. And that maybe they would never be self sufficient enough to leave home, it wasn't entirely out of the question to imagine they'd one day have a valuable, loving relationship of their own.

No one bothered to try and make things seem better for you. They simply kept handing you more and more information to try and digest. Completely oblivious to the fact that you needed some time to adjust to the news yourself.

Twenty weeks later and despite the fact she'd read every piece of medical information dropped in her lap and owned nearly every book possible on babies and children with Down Syndrome, Autumn was still adjusting. She still couldn't come right out and say the words without bursting into tears. In the past three and a half months since the results of the amniocentesis had come back, she'd spent many a night crying herself to sleep; both saddened that something like that had happened to them and terrified for what the future held not only for their baby, but their entire family.

There'd never been a moment where'd she considered terminating the pregnancy. Although both the foetal medicine specialist and her OB-GYN back in Halifax where the diagnosis had come down had made it perfectly clear to her that they could perform a late term abortion that required them to simply induce labour. She'd looked at them as if they were completely insane and had wrapped her arms around her body in an attempt to keep her unborn daughter safe and sound.

"No one is taking this baby away from me," she'd informed them, and had totally shut herself down both emotionally and physically to them. Ultimately dismissing the suggestion, and them on a whole. Termination had never been an option. Nor had adoption. She and Sidney had made that baby together. They'd achieved the miracle of life. And perfect or not, they were keeping her.

We've come too far together to back out now, she thought now, both hands stroking her stomach in slow, smooth circles. Leaning back against the pillows behind her, she closed her eyes and relaxed. She had carried that baby successfully. After all the heartache and agony of previous loses and the fears that they'd never, ever be able to have a baby of their own, their daughter was a miracle. Against all odds, she'd made it. And she deserved a shot at life just like any other baby did.

The door to the room clicked open and Autumn's eyes flickered open and she glanced over. Smiling softly as her husband slipped into the room.

"Everything's okay at home?" she asked.

"Well, the place is still standing and my dad hasn't gone all drill sergeant yet and my mom hasn't gotten into the booze, so I think it's safe to say Ryan's behaving himself."

"He's an angel compared to most eleven year olds," Autumn declared. "Are you okay?" she asked, concern tinging her voice as she noticed the despondent expression on his face and the dark, stormy look in his eyes. "You look...upset."

"I'm fine," Sid assured her. "I'm just...tired and bitchy."

"No...you can't be.." Autumn argued. "Tired and bitchy are my specialties."

He gave a little grin at that and held up the Styrofoam cup in his right hand as he approached the bed.

"If those are ice chips you just turn right back around and leave," she grumbled. "Real food. I said don't come back here unless you brought me real food. Either a Big Mac and fries or some Taco Bell. I distinctly remember telling you no more ice chips."

"And I distinctly remember telling you that if were to eat anything, you'd barf all over this place when push came to shove. No pun intended."

Autumn frowned. "You are just getting way too good at the comebacks," she declared. "I have trained you way too well. I just may have to brainwash you and reverse all the damage I've done and start all over again."

"Any damage you've done to me has been a good hurt babe," Sid assured her.

"Yeah...you always were into the painful stuff. Hair pulling, biting...you may look all sweet and virginal, but man, if people knew the real you..."

"Let's keep that between ourselves, okay?" he said, and leaning over the side of the bed, he dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "How's my girls feeling?" he asked, and taking a seat on the edge of the bed, lowered his head to press his lips against his wife's belly.

"Well I don't know how she's feeling," Autumn nodded down at her stomach. "But I am absolutely fab-fucking-tabulous. I'm not entirely frozen from the waist down, but my legs and feet are all warm and tingly..." she gave a content sigh. "Just so you know, I'm leaving you for the anaesthesiologist."

"Yeah?" he chuckled and rubbed her stomach softly. "Thanks for giving me the heads up, babe."

"Oh don't worry. I'll still keep you on the side. You'll be my purveyor of incredible, hot sex and he'll be my drug pusher. Sound like a plan?"

He nodded and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Then kicked off his Crocs before swinging his legs up onto the bed and making himself comfortable beside her. "So what did they say? Anything? Are we any farther ahead or..."

"I'm still at seven centimetres but the contractions are eight minutes apart," she explained, and laying her tiny hand over his much larger one that rested on her tummy, entwined their fingers together. "They're giving me a constant drip of that potacen stuff and if it doesn't work and I'm not ready to go in four hours? I'll be going in for a c-section."

"I was hoping they'd just go with it now," he admitted.

"Me too. But they try and hold off as long as possible. They prefer you to do it the normal way instead of resorting to medical intervention unless it's an emergency."

He nodded in understanding. "What about her heart rate?" he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"It goes up and down. But it's nothing that they're concerned about. It's just because of her defect. They're still holding out hope that some of the holes have closed on their own. But we won't know for sure until she's out of there and the cardiologist can do an echocardiogram."

"Fucking specialists," Sid muttered, and leaned his head back against the pillow behind him. "If it's not a paediatrician its a cardiologist. When she's born it'll be developmental peads and speech therapists and physiotherapists and occupational therapists and every other goddamn thing under the sun that ends in ist."

"We talked about this..." Autumn reminded him gently. "When we were told about what things would be like we..."

"Agreed that it didn't change whether we wanted her or not and that we'd do whatever it takes and get her whatever she needs," Sid finished. "I know. I was part of that conversation too, remember?"

She sighed. He was exhausted and worried, and in turn it was making it extremely irritable. And calling him out on his off handed way at the moment would only serve to cause a huge argument. And that was something she neither wanted, or needed.

"So then what..." she began, as she reached into the cup of ice he'd tucked between them and scooped out a chunk of ice.

"It's just a lot to think about," Sid said. "That's all. And we've been here for fourteen hours and we're tired and our nerves are shot and my brain is thinking about a million one things and I..." he sighed heavily. "I can't stop thinking about what things are going to be like for her."

"You mean you can't stop dwelling on it you mean."

He nodded. "The second she's born there's something to worry about. And this defect is a huge ass thing to be concerned about Autumn. I mean open heart surgery on a baby?"

"Babies have surgeries like that all the time. The doctors here are amazing. They've done operations on babies still in the womb. And this defect...well it's serious but it's not life or death. It's a relatively routine operation."

"Don't talk to me like you're talking to one of those families you used to work with. I hate when you do that. Go all social worker on me like that."

"I'm just...I'm just trying to reassure you, that's all. And I know it's scary but she's going to be fine. You've been with me when we've talked to all the specialists and you've heard what they had to say and..."

"But hearing it and then having to go through it are two completely different things," he argued gently. "It's one thing to listen to all of that while she's still inside of you. But when she's out of there and we actually have to go through it..."

Autumn nodded in understanding. She wasn't going to tell him over and over again that the operation was routine and relatively simple. Or that things were going to be just fine and there wasn't anything to worry about. That would have been the professional side of her talking. The mommy side was terrified and nervous and in no way capable of comforting or reassuring anyone.

"It's just all starting to freak me out, you know?" Sid continued. "When she's in there it doesn't seem real almost. And the second she gets out of there...that's when it becomes too real. It's almost like, as long as she stays in there, things are okay. We don't have to worry about anything. But when she's born it's going to be nothing about worrying."

"If you spend that much time worrying about everything you're not going to enjoy her," Autumn said. "You're going to spend too much time freaking yourself out over everything and not enough time playing daddy to her. And you're already gone a lot as it is, so you being almost a complete stranger to her even when you are around..."

"So I'm not allowed to be freaked out over all of this?"

"I never said that. Of course you're allowed to be freaked out. I'm a goddamn mess. But someone needs to be the cool, calm and collected one."

"Yeah? Well I'm tired of it being me all the time. I'm tired of being the one that has to be strong for everyone else. The rock. When's it my turn to be a mess and be upset about things?"

Autumn didn't respond. The truth was, she needed her husband to be the one holding her up. There'd never been a time where she hadn't felt safe and protected when she was with him. That he hadn't made her feel, just by the simple act of wrapping her in his strong embrace, as if everything was going to be okay. And the thought of him being the emotionally fragile one terrified her.

"Don't you ever think about what things are going to be like in the future?" Sid asked. "Like five years from now when she starts kindergarten. Or thirteen years from now when she goes into high school. When she's so far behind the other kids. Don't you ever think about that? About what she's going to be like? What she's going to look like?"

"I've thought about it a few times," Autumn admitted quietly.

"Doesn't it freak you out? Don't you just think to yourself, holy shit, she has Down Syndrome. She's not like the other kids. She's never going to be like them. She's going to look different and talk different and she's not going to do the things that they do. She's not going to have a boyfriend or go to school dances or get a driver's license or..."

"She's going to do whatever she wants to do," Autumn interjected. "She's going to go to school with regular kids and be friends with them and she's going to be able to play sports and go to dances and whatever else she wants to do. And she could end up meeting a guy she likes and having a boyfriend. You don't know what she's going to be able to do. And if you just think about everything she's not going to do instead of think about everything she can and will..."

"Don't make me out to be some bad guy here, Autumn!" Sid snapped. "Don't sit there and act like I don't want her or anything! Or that I'm going hold her back and treat her like some kind of freak!"

"I'm not making you out to be a bad guy. And I know you love her regardless and that you're not going to love her any less if she can't do certain things. But you can't worry about the future like that when we haven't even got her out into the world yet. Why worry about five years down the road? Why can't you just relax and take things one day at a time? You're already going to miss a lot because of your career. Why miss more because you're too busy thinking about negative stuff?"

"You're the emotional wreck about this remember? You're the one that cries all the time and calls me up at all hours of the night when I'm miles away because you're upset and making yourself sick to your stomach thinking about things. So why is it wrong when I do it?"

Autumn had no answer for that.

"Do you have any idea what things are going to be like for her? When she is old enough to go to school? The kids are going to pick on her, Autumn. They're going to make fun of her because she's different. And you know what? Sometimes adults are even worse."

"We weren't like that when we were growing up," she pointed out.

"That's because our parents made sure we weren't like that," Sid said. "We weren't allowed to be like that. You already had people in your family with different kinds of disabilities so you grew up around it. And my folks? My mom and dad would have tanned my ass if I'd ever made fun of anyone with special needs. But not everyone was brought up like we were Autumn.

"But not everyone is ignorant and mean either, Sidney. I know she's going to get picked on and I know she's going to be ignored on the playground and not invited to birthday parties. But all of that is only sometimes. There's a lot of bad people out there, but there's a lot of wonderful, tolerant people too."

He nodded; eyes riveted on his wedding ring as his hand moved in slow circle over his wife's stomach. The band had become scuffed and scratched in places despite the fact he wrapped surgical tape around it - a trick he'd learned from Petr Sykora who also opted to leave his own on at all times- before each practice and game. It was a relatively simple piece of jewellery; platinum with yellow gold around the top and bottom edges. But it both already represented so much, and held so many memories and history. The day that ring had gone on his finger, everything in his life had changed. He had no longer had just himself to worry about, nor could his career be the be all and end all of his existence. He'd become a husband and a father and now had people that relied on him to provide for them not only financially, but emotionally and physically as well. And he'd grown up a lot since that day two and a half years ago. In fact, from the moment he'd realized he was madly in love with Autumn, was when he'd begun the often long process of maturing and learning how to be less selfish. And he couldn't imagine taking that journey, or spending his life with, anyone other than her.

Autumn leaned into him, her hand gripping his tightly as she nestled her head under his chin.

xxxxx

"Do you worry about how people are going to react?" he asked, breaking the silence that had falling over the room.

"A little," Autumn admitted. "I don't care whether they accept her or not. I personally want nothing to do with anyone who can't love her as is. I'm more worried about how they're going to take the fact we've kept it to ourselves for so long."

"My parents are not going to be happy," Sid concluded. "I almost slipped up with my mom. She knows that there's something going on. I told her I'd tell her once the baby was born. That I needed to concentrate on you and Sydney and making sure the two of you are okay before I worried about anything else."

"And what did she say?"

"What could she say? Just that she was worried about us and the baby," Sid said. He wasn't about to stress his wife out with the news that his mother had discovered their little secret by finding the appointment card for the amniocentesis while she'd all but been snooping through Autumn's things.

"You're still going to be the one to tell Ryan?" she asked.

"Yeah...I'll do it like I said. I'll tell him that there's something different about his sister but that it's not something to be scared about. And then I'll just take things from there."

"There's so many people we have to tell," Autumn lamented. "It's a huge ass list."

"Not to mention I'm going to have go give some kind of statement to the press. Either personally or through Mario or someone in the organization," Sid added. "People are going to want to know everything about the baby. You know what the fans have been like. Constantly sending us presents and cards."

"God knows we have enough stuffed animals and knit booties and hats to last a lifetime," Autumn mused. "But it's a big deal to them, I guess. It's the second coming. The second coming of Crosby."

He grinned at that.

"Could you imagine if we'd been expecting a boy? You think people have been excited about us having a girl. They would have been chartering his course from the moment of conception on. Wouldn't it have destroyed them if he'd gone on to play football or baseball instead of hockey? Or...horror of all horrors...became a figure skater?"

"There's still hope for a professional athlete in the family," Sid told her. "Ryan might surprise everyone and get drafted by the NBA or the NFL. You never know."

"Hmmm...well I hate to destroy that little fantasy of yours, but I think your son is more into going to college when he's older. Three days ago he told me that he wanted to be an anti-corporate lawyer. So he could, in his own words, stick it to the man."

Sid chuckled, and turning his face towards her, pressed a kiss to her forehead. "He is becoming way too much like you."

"Brainy and drop dead gorgeous, you mean?"

"I wasn't going to be THAT kind," he teased, then laughed when she pinched his stomach playfully. "You're right...crazily smart and hot looking..."

"You so lucked out when you met me," she declared, and pecked his lips gently. "You ever wonder what would have happened if you'd never come to the hospital that day?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. "I've always had this creepy thought that you would have ended up with Staalsy."

"Baby Jordy? Hell no. He's little brother material."

"Either that or he would have come and told me that he'd met this girl he thought would be perfect for me," Sid said.

"Are you kidding?" Autumn laughed. "No one has ever thought I was perfect for you. Everyone's always wondering how we've tolerated each other for as long as we have."

"It's what makes us great, babe. The whole love/hate thing we have going on. We keep each other on our toes. And it's fun watching everyone have to swallow their pride and admit how wrong they were about us. Especially my dad."

"Well he's still a tough costumer," she grumbled. "God..." she winced as a sharp kick caught her in the lower stomach. "Okay...so maybe these drugs aren't doing that good of a job after all. What is going on with these child? With Ryan things were smooth and easy and this time...this time things are just long and tiring and a total pain in the ass."

Sid pulled away from her slightly and stared down at her pointedly.

"What?" Autumn asked, as she moved his hand over her stomach in hopes of massaging the pain way.

"Go on and say it. I know you want to."

"Say what?"

"That things are they way they are this time around 'cause it's my fault. 'Cause it's my demon sperm that got you pregnant. Go on. I know you're dying to pin all the blame on me."

Autumn grinned, then laying a hand on the side of his face, kissed him softly.

"It's all your damn fault," she declared, then pecked the end of his nose. "For making me love you so damn much," she added, her eyes tinkling playfully.

Sid smiled, released his hold on her hand in favour of wrapping his arm around her slender shoulders. "We're going to be okay," he promised, his left hand rubbing her stomach. "All of us."

Autumn smiled, and closing her eyes, settled into his side. Calmed, and relaxed by not only his mere presence, but by the firm knowledge that he'd never let her down.