And I Thought I Loved You Then

Mario glanced up from the sea of paperwork spread across the kitchen table as Sid shuffled into the room; his hair wild and unruly, his feet bare and clad in a pair of baggy sweatpants, a tattered and torn white t-shirt. Quarter to twelve in the afternoon and the kid’s eyes were still heavy with sleep, and with little more than a mumbled good morning and a nod of his head, he made his way over to the coffee maker. Nathalie had made the now nearly half-empty pot nearly an hour and a half ago, before she had taken the kids out for the day, and the carafe was lukewarm to the touch. And Mario knew first hand, from his own barely touched mug of brew next to his work, that it was horrifically bitter and practically intolerable. And he watched, a humorous smirk curving his lips, how the mug that Sid snagged from the cupboard above the sink almost slipped clear out of his grasp, and then how he completely missed his target the first time around trying to pour coffee into his cup. It took three tries and several mutters profanities before the twenty-two year old finally successful in filling the porcelain mug.

Mario had been surprised -and incredibly impressed- when Sid had wandered through the front door shortly before ten the previous evening. He hadn’t been expecting his young tenant to be home any time in the near future, and that Sid would opt to spend every waking moment with his new girlfriend, immersed in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. And while Mario admired the kid’s devotion to the game how for someone so young he was able to religiously stick to his self-imposed strict disciplines, he was worried that Sid wouldn’t know how to balance the two distinct sides of his life. He wasn’t concerned that in the slightest that Sid’s playing abilities would suffer; he was remarkably poised, tenacious and professional. But he was worried that the young captain’s passion for the sport would prevent him from being successful in the other aspects of his life.

“Rough night?” Mario asked, as Sidney set his coffee down, and then used his foot to yank out the chair at the opposite end of the table before dropping heavily into his seat.

“Barely slept,” Sid admitted with a loud yawn, which was followed by an apology for his poor manners. “I thought that I’d actually get some rest by coming home, that it would be better if I just stuck to an empty bed for the night…”

“Instead you tossed and turned into the wee hours of the morning and you probably got about…” Mario consulted his watch. “Four hours. If that.”

“Three and a half,” Sid corrected. “But who’s counting?” He sipped his coffee, then immediately grimaced and had to force himself to swallow. “Holy…” he made a gagging noise and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “That tastes like…”

“Crap? “ Mario offered with a chuckle. “Shit? Sludge? Death even?”

“That’s pretty much it,” Sid said with a laugh.

“You know, I’ve been with the woman since we were just sixteen, living with her since we were eighteen and married to her since 1994. And she still makes the worst coffee I have ever tasted in my life. It’s a damn good thing that she’s a better cook and a baker then she is barista, or we’d all be in a hell of a lot of trouble. She’d never last at a Starbucks or a Dunkin’ Donuts, that’s for sure. But let’s keep the harsh opinions between us.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” Sid assured her, then stifled another loud yawn with his forearm before raking a hand through his hair.

“You know, it’s a bitch sleeping by yourself even after one night of sharing a bed with a beautiful woman,” Mario commented. “I speak from experience. I also speak from experience when I say that I think the ‘no sex twenty four hours before a game’ rule is a bunch of crap. I was always one for going against the grain. I mean, what the powers that be don’t know won’t hurt them.”

“You are the powers that be,” Sid reminded him. “So technically you would know…”

“Selective amnesia,” Mario said with a nod. “I practice it all the time. See no evil; hear no evil is the philosophy to live by. No one knew what I was up to the nights and afternoons before games, and no one needs to be any wiser to what you’re up to. Besides, it only takes once to figure out what side of the fence you fall on.”

“How you mean?” Sid asked, and bravely took another swig of the coffee.

“There’s two distinct sets of players,” Mario explained. “One is the select few that can have sex numerous times the night before a game and the morning and afternoon of, and they actually play better. The whole ‘release’ brings a completely different level to the game. They skate faster, hit harder, focus more intently.”

“And who’s in the second set?” Sid inquired.

“The second is the large group of guys who are practically comatose after they have sex. Once, twice, three times, doesn’t matter. They can’t function properly afterwards. They’re sluggish on the ice, they mess up plays, they embarrass the entire time. Those are the players that the twenty four hour ban is intended for.”

Sid nodded slowly in understanding.

“You only need to try out my theory once to know which group you’ll fall into,” Mario added.

“I’ll remember that,” Sid said, and felt his cheeks flush. “Are we actually having this conversation?” he asked.

“I’m just laying the options out for you, that’s all. That way you don’t…intentionally make yourself suffer. I mean, why torture yourself and go without if you don’t have to?”

The twenty-two year old blushed in earnest. “How do you know that Autumn and I are even having sex?” he inquired curiously.

Mario couldn’t help but chuckle. Both at Sid’s embarrassment, and the absurdity of the question. “Because I was a twenty-two year old young man with raging hormones once too,” he replied.

Sid laughed at that, and then ran his hands over his weary face. “I can not believe that we’re talking about this.”

“You wouldn’t be having this kind of conversation with your dad?” Mario asked. “You wouldn’t be discussing your new girlfriend with him if he was here in my place?”

“Are you kidding me? My dad thinks that getting mixed up with someone at this stage in my life is a huge mistake. He made that perfectly clear in the two dozen messages that he left on my cell phone. And the thirteen irate emails that he left for me. You know, all about how I’m going to screw up my entire life and that having a girlfriend is way too distracting and how my playing is going to go down the shitter ‘cause I won’t be able to concentrate on hockey. That Autumn’s going to just suck everything out of me. Especially my money. He’s got it in his head that she’s just into me ‘cause I make tons of cash. That she isn’t into me just to be into me.”

“And what do you think?” Mario asked. “What’s your head telling you?”

“My head is telling me that Autumn is the real deal. That she’s into me as just a normal guy. That she doesn’t care who I am or what I do for a living or how much money I rake in. And I know that it’s going to take some work on my part to balance having a girlfriend and my career, but I can do it. I know I can. Nothing is going to suffer.”

Mario nodded slowly, both listening intently and absorbing everything his young charge was saying.

“And Autumn’s older, right? She’s not someone my age or younger. She’s older and she’s had more…not necessarily experience with guys, but life experience. She’s been to university and she’s got a degree under her belt and a great job. And she was married and has a kid so she’s got all that…I don’t know what you want to call it…relationship knowledge?…under her belt. So it’s not like she’s going into this completely green and expecting more than what I have to give her.”

“And what does she expect?” Mario asked. “Or maybe a better way of putting it is what doesn’t she expect?”

“She knows that I won’t be around a lot,” Sid replied. “She knows that hockey comes first. That at this point in time, it’s my be all and end all. She knows that I’m on the road a lot and that even when I am in town, I’m not always available. That I work out and practice a lot, that I have press conferences, endorsement things to deal with, personal appearances. And she’s not expecting me to be around constantly. She’s not planning on waiting by the phone when I’m on a road trip. Not that I’m going to go without calling her or texting her or IM’ing with her. She just knows that she can’t be my number one priority.”

“And you think that’s fair? For her to have to deal with that?” Mario asked.

“I don’t think it’s fair,” Sid answered. “I just…it’s just the way it is.”

“Well…” Mario sighed, and drummed his fingertips against the stack of papers to his right. “…it doesn’t have to be that way, Sidney. She doesn’t have to come second. Or third or fourth. She can come first but on the personal side of things. There’s this distinct line…” leaning forward, he picked up the pen sitting next to his mug, and flipping over a piece of computer paper, drew a line down the middle of the paper. “On this side, you have your career and everything that comes with it,” he printed hockey on the top of the right hand side, then wrote down each item he rattled off. “You have home games, road games, practices, work outs, press conferences, endorsement issues, public appearances…”

“Huge list,” Sid commented, and sipped his coffee. Slowly getting used to the acrid taste.

“And on this side, you have your girlfriend,” Mario scrawled AUTUMN at the top of the left hand side of the paper. “And everything that comes with her. Which in this case is the fact that she has a son. A package deal. And I’m sure that you already love spending time with the kid.”

Sid nodded.

“So you have Autumn and her boy and whatever comes with them. Say private time for the two of you, family time for all three of you. You can’t have a relationship with someone and never see them. You can’t do that to someone, Sidney.”

“I didn’t say I was never going to see her. I just said that I wouldn’t see her very much.”

“No, what you said is that hockey is your be all and end all. And believe me kid, I get where you’re coming from. I really do. You are blessed with this exceptional talent and you’ve got the world by the balls. You’re only twenty-two and you’ve already captained a team to a Stanley Cup. You’ve made a huge name for yourself and your name is etched in the history book and you’ve only been in the league for four seasons! You’re a goddamn monster! Do you realize that? And I know you love the game. I wish everyone had your passion and your drive. But at the same time, you need to allow yourself to have a life. And just having someone you can call a girlfriend who’s waiting for you to get back from road trips and to make time out of your schedule for them, doesn’t mean you have a life. She needs to be your life, too.”

Sid sighed heavily and shoved both of his hands in his hair. “Being in love with someone should not be this complicated,” he declared.

A smile tugged at the corner of Mario’s lips, and while he was slightly taken back by the fact that his star player and the young man he loved like a son had admitted something so personal to him, he wasn’t entirely surprised that things were happening that quickly. “Love is always complicated,” he said in return. “And you’re probably going through it for the first time. So you have that on top of trying to balance things with the craziness of your professional life.”

“I’ve never been in love with anyone before Autumn,” Sid admitted. “I mean, the last time I’d had a real girlfriend was when I was seventeen and playing in Rimouski. And I thought I was in love with her…”

“And now you’re realizing that you weren’t,” Mario concluded.

“I realize, now that I’m with Autumn, that I’ve never been in love before. At least not this kind of love. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling. I just know that sometimes, when I’m with her or even when I’m not with her and I’m thinking about her, it’s like I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, I can’t think properly, I can’t sleep. It’s all consuming and powerful and it’s…overwhelming. Completely overwhelming.”

Mario nodded in understating.

“And honestly? I’m scared,” Sid continued. “Terrified, actually.”

“Of what?”

“I’m scared that it’s all too good to be true. I’ve met this incredible girl that makes me feel like just a regular guy, who doesn’t treat me differently than anyone else walking the street and who makes me feel…she makes me feel like I’m worthy to be loved by someone. And it’s freaking me out that I feel this much for her so soon. That I’m just putting it all out there and trusting her with my heart like this. And I’m worried that I won’t be everything that she wants, or needs me to be. That I’ll disappoint her. That she’ll realize that I’m not what she thought I was and that she’ll want out.”

“Being in love is frightening stuff, Sidney,” Mario sympathized. “There’s so much that can go wrong. But if we spend all of our time worrying about what can happen and trying to prevent it, then we’re not going to enjoy all of the amazing, wonderful thing that comes with loving someone. And I’m not just talking about sex. Although trust me, it’s a huge part of a relationship. Especially at the beginning. I’m also talking about the bond that is formed between two people. The trust. The emotional intimacy that is shared.”

“I trust Autumn,” Sid said. “With my life. I just…I just don’t know if I trust her with my heart yet.”

“Just like she probably doesn’t know if she trusts you with hers either,” Mario retorted. “You already told me at the beginning of all of this, just after the two of you met that she was fighting tooth and nail about going out with you.”

“She said that she wasn’t ready to get involved with someone. Especially someone that’s famous ‘cause of all the drama it would bring to her life. And I understand that. I do. And I also get that she’s scared to love someone because of how she lost her husband. I can’t replace him in her life. Or in Ryan’s life. I don’t want to. I just want to be part of their lives.”

“And she’s trusted you so far with not only her heart, but her son’s. If you ask me, she has a lot more to lose if things went bad then you do.”

Sid nodded. “And speaking of the drama being with me can ‘cause…”

“I know all about the issues with the press and this ex boyfriend of Autumn’s leaking information about her. And I’ve talked to Tom and he’s going to set something up between one of our PR people and Autumn. He’ll get her in touch with the right people. Have her take the media sensitivity training, get her out there amongst the fans so that people get the chance to meet her and get to know her. And Nathalie said that she’s more than willing to help out. Be a mentor of sorts.”

“Thanks,” Sid said sincerely. “I appreciate all of that. ‘Cause Autumn’s a little…sensitive. She’s a lot sensitive actually. And having as many people on her side as possible will help out huge. I don’t want it being so difficult for her that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I mean, I wouldn’t blame her if she couldn’t take it. But I don’t want to lose her ‘cause of all of this.”

“We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen,” Mario assured him. “Nathalie’s been through it. She’s the perfect person for Autumn to talk to. She has lots of personal experience and it might make all the difference in the world if Autumn has someone like that’s there for her. Especially when you are away the first few times. It’s not going to be easy, Sidney. No matter how independent she seems and how many times she’ll tell you she’s fine, she’s going to miss you.”

“I know,” he sighed. “And you know what? I’m going to miss her too.”

“And I’m always here for you, too,” Mario told him. “Whenever you need me. ‘Cause trust me, kid, you’re going to need a helping hand along the way too. And seeing as your real father can’t be here…”

“I’m glad he isn’t,” Sid admitted. “He’d be telling me to dump her. He’d be saying all kinds of nasty crap about her.”

“Well you won’t hear that around here. I just met her briefly, but I can tell you that Autumn seems like a wonderful young woman.”

“She is,” Sid said. “She’s amazing.”

“And I know you’re crazy about her. And from what I could tell, she seems to be just as nuts about you.”

A broad smile spread slowly across Sid’s face.

“It’s an incredible feeling. Being in love. Trust me, I know. I feel the same way about my wife every day. And hopefully, and I’m not trying to scare you here, hopefully twenty years from now you’ll be looking at Autumn and you’ll realize you’re just as in love with her at that moment as you were when you first met. Or even more so.”

Sid nodded slowly. “I’d like that,” he said. “To be with her twenty years from now. I know it’s really soon and that probably sounds insane and makes no sense.”

“Nothing about love makes sense,” Mario declared.

Sid chuckled. “That’s a Leanne Rimes song,” he chided.

“Hey, even I need some inspiration now and then,” Mario laughed. “Just take your time with this, Sidney. With being in love. Enjoy it. Learn from it. It’s a hell of a ride.”

“That it is,” he agreed.

“And for the love of God…” lifting himself up from his chair, Mario leaned over the table and tousled the youngster’s hair. “Don’t be going and making me an honorary grandfather anytime soon. Be safe, alright?”

“Always,” Sid promised.

“Trust me, at this point in time? Sid the Kid doesn’t need a kid of his own.”

“Am I ever going to get rid of that nickname?” Sid asked with a laugh.

“What do you want me to call you?” Mario inquired, as he settled back in the chair. “Sid The Not So Kid Anymore?”

He grinned. “That’s a start…”

“I’ll work on the nickname, you work on this stuff,” Mario nodded down at the list before him. “Deal?”

“Deal,” Sid agreed, and as he sipped the remains of his coffee, he and his mentor and idol slipped into a companionable, comfortable silence.

And he realized just how much he loved the man that sat in front of him,

Even more than he loved the man who had helped give him life.