And I Thought I Loved You Then

He didn't believe in love at first sight.

The idea that you could come face to face with a total stranger and immediately know that they were the one that you were destined to spend forever with. That you could instanteously feel an overwhelming, all consuming love for someone whose path had never once crossed with yours before That a simple look or a soft smile could capture your heart and twist it into a million and one pieces and transform you completely. Those kinds of moments existed solely in romance novels and on the silver screen. The idea that two people could know, within minutes of meeting one another that they were each other's always and forever was a ridiclous notion. Nothing was that easy. Anything that was worth while and truly meant to be came with bumps and turns in the road. With problems that had be solved together as opposed to acting as a single unit. Real love meant putting the other person's feelings and needs before your own. It meant making sacrifices.

Sidney had never experienced real love. In his entire twenty two years, he'd had one serious relationship. If five months with a girl he'd met while playing in Rimouski could count as long term and serious. He'd been seventeen at the time and convinced that he was madly in love and could never possibly survive without her. Until he realized, after she dumped him because he refused to put her before his burdgeoning hockey superstardom, that he was actually happier being alone than he had been having a girlfriend. Being alone meant that all of his time was devoted to his sport. He didn't have the excess baggage that came along with being in a relationship. There was no one else he had to make happy, or who he had to explain anything to. He simply came and went as he pleased and had no one to answer to.

Despite rumours to the contrary, he wasn't one to take advantage to the opportunities provided to him by the 'puck bunnies'. The girls that hung around the arena exits and the hotels like leeches. Who flaunted what they did, and didn't have, in skirts that were way too short and tops that were way too tight. Who weren't above hooking up with another player if they couldn't get their claws into who they really wanted. Most of the young guys practiced self restraint as well. With their own girlfriends waiting back home, some of whom they'd been with since their early high school years, they weren't willing to toss their lives away if news of a tryst got out. And it always got out. You couldn't put your arm around someone for a picture without the media jumping on it and twisting an innocent moment into something scandalous. However, there were some of the players that couldn't resist getting caught up in the moment. Mostly married guys who despite declaring their undying love and devotion for their wives and children, had someone on the side in nearly ever damn city they visited.

Sidney couldn't bring himself to get caught up in a situation like that. While he wasn't entirely happy with being single, it wasn't the end of the world to him that he didn't have someone in his life. Sure, it got lonely and made you feel like complete and utter shit sitting back and watching all of your buddies with their girlfriends. Seeing your friends get engaged or attending their weddings and not having someone there with you. But he wasn't about to just jump into a relationship with just anyone because he was tired of being alone. And the girls that he had met since he'd been in Pittsburgh weren't exactly what he'd consider long term committment material. And that was what he wanted. No casual fling or a relationship that would last a few months until the girl either decided he couldn't give her what she wanted -either a diamond ring and promises of a future together and financial stability or putting her first and foremost in his life- or he came to terms with the fact that he either couldn't see the person he was with in his life forever or he found them too clingy and immature. He wasn't giving up his career for anything or anyone. He wasn't even going to put hockey second and them first. It simply didn't work that way. And if they couldn't accept that, then he was better off alone.

And they couldn't accept that. They couldn't deal with the prolonged absences and the constant glare of public scrutiny. And that was fine by him. No sense wasting his or their time and finding all of that out later rather than sooner. So the ties were cut as cleanly and painlessly as possible and no hard feelings were habored by either party. He had relegated himself to the fact that women his age or a little bit younger were just not emotionally mature enough to be in that kind of situation. Although he was sure that there were some exceptions to the rule, he'd simply not had the pleasure of meeting them. And he wasn't going to meet them through homemade cardboard signs in the stands at games. Or within the mountains of fan mail he received. Sure, there were probably a lot of nice girls in the arena and in those letters. But girls that only wanted him because of who he was and what he did weren't going to be the future Mrs Crosby. Ever. One day he wanted a wife and kids. Lots of kids, in fact. And while he wasn't in a rush to find that someone and start on happily ever after, he was starting to wonder if he'd ever find someone that simply wanted him for him. As is.

Not that he'd been a complete angel since he'd arrived in Pittsburgh. There'd been a few hook ups that had been nothing more than what both he and the girl had intended them to be. Friends or sisters of the guys' girlfriends. But he definitely wasn't going to make it a common practice to sleep with some random girl that someone else thought would be good for him. Instead, he through himself into his career. With his hockey and public appearances. With working out and fulfilling contract requirments for endorsement deals. When and if he did meet someone that he was interested in enough to even consider having a relationship for them, then and only then would he slow down a little bit.

And while he didn't believe in love at first sight, Sid did believe that it was possible to meet someone and know, that it if they were open and willing to letting something happen, that they'd make a remarkable impression on your life. Someone that you felt totally at ease with. Who didn't treat you differently because you were a house hold name and had a monstrous bank account. Who although you'd just met them, had you opening up to them and talking about things that you reserved for only your closest friends and your family. Who made you feel comfortable in your own skin and who you didn't have to live up to all the hype with.

He found that Autumn Winters was that person. She was unlike anyone he'd ever met. Maybe it was the fact that she was older and had life experience under her belt. Maybe it was because she was highly educated and he didn't feel the need to dumb himself down when talking to her. Or maybe it was because she was bubbly and down to earth and had a witty, sarcastic sense of humour that often left him at a loss for words as he attempted to come back at her for something she'd said. Or maybe it was because she was so....normal. She didn't try to be something she wasn't. She was eccentric and scatterbrained and less than perfect.

All of those things rolled into one that made her so incredibly attractive. It didn't hurt that she was exceptionally pretty in a girl next door kind of way. He didn't know exactly old she was, but by fitting together bits and pieces of what she'd said about her education and previous life outside of Pittsburgh, Sid was pretty sure she was twenty five. At the least. Maybe even closer to thirty. What he did know was that taking that charity gig that day was one of the smartest moves he'd ever made in his entire life.

Now, as he held back one of the doors to the cafeteria, allowing her to pass underneath his arm, his breath caught slightly in his chest and he nervously bit his bottom lip as her petite body brushed up against his side. Barely hearing her sincere apology when she noticed his uneasiness, but finding his senses swarmed by her mere presence. By the feel of her body and the sweet, citrus smell of her hair. By those hazel eyes and her freckles and her slightly flustered smile.

And it was somewhat terrifying to know that no one had ever affected him that much.

Or that quickly.

xxxx

Autumn tried convincing herself that the uneasiness in her stomach was solely to blame on the fact she hadn't had anything to eat all day. Save for half a piece of toast with honey she'd nibbled on while frantically surfing the 'net on her lap top at the kitchen table for every little piece of information on Sidney Crosby she could get her hands on. She had done the same when she'd been told it was Jordan Staal she'd been meeting that day. She liked to do her research before meeting someone. In case the meet for mindless chit chat ever occured and she found herself at a loss for something to say. Guys liked to talk about themselves. Especially when talking about themselves involved the stroking of their egos. And if push came to shove, she wanted to feel comfortable enough spouting off hockey statistics without looking like a total idiot.

She blamed the butterflies on her poor eating habits. Because they certainly could not have anything to do with the twenty two year old phenom that now stood alongside of her as they waited for their turn at the cashier. It alsp had nothing to do with the fact that while bearing slight hat head, his hair was wild and tousled and the irrational part of her brain wanted nothing more than to bury her fingers in it. Or that he smelled too good for words and she could barely formulate a rational thought. Or that the chocolate brown Aeropostale t-shirt he was wearing fit tight across his broad shoulders and wide chest and around his impressive biceps. Before leaving the playroom at the end of his session, Sidney had peeled off his jersey, signed it and then had given it to Gwen so she could either frame it or donate it as one of the prizes at November's Twilight Ball, a charity event organized by the hospital.

And her nerves were definitely not shot because the guy could wear jeans like no man she'd ever seen before. Gwen's words from earlier that morning kept replaying in her mind over and over again. About how amazing his ass was and that she definitely needed to take a peek. Because she'd most definitely never seen an ass quite like it.

Unfortuantely, one look had turned into two. And Autumn now found it totally impossible to keep her eyes to herself.

Clearing her throat noisily, she fanned herself with one of her hands. "Is it hot in here or is it me?" she wondered aloud, then nearly kicked herself when she realized she'd actually let the words slip out instead of merely thinking them.

"It's you," Sid and the cashier, a young college student with shoulder length blond hair, vibrant blue eyes and a million watt smile answered in unison. A smile she was now using on him like a weapon of mass destruction, mixed in with the batting of her mascara coated eyelashes and the tip of her tongue gliding across her glossy pink bottom lip.

Autumn shot the younger, prettier woman a foul look, then wheeled around when she felt a fingertip poking her aggressively in the shoulder.

"Trust me honey," the elderly woman behind her whispered. "It is hot in here. With a view like that..." her eyes zeroed in on Sid's ass and she shook her head in disbelief and appreciation and gave a long, dreamy sigh. "...he could make millions charging for that view alone."

Autumn felt her cheeks flush, then saw red when she noticed the cashier reaching out for the twenty dollar bill Sid held in his hand. Tucking her leather bound binder under her arm, she jammed her hand in her blazer pocket, yanking out a wrinkled bill of her own and stepping forward, aggressively shoving it in the girl's face.

"It's on me," she announced.

"Autumn you don't have to..." Sid began.

"We're together," Autumn informed the cashier, ignoring him completely as she forced the money further into the young woman's face.

"Are you sure you want to..."

"I am sure," she cut the cashier off. "Together. Please. Thank you. Keep the change."

She gathered up her take out cup of tea and a small paper bag containing a banana chocolate chip muffin and hurried out of the serving area. Embarrassed by the way she was acting. Like a jealous high school girl who, while she didn't necessarily want the guy herself, couldn't stand the thought of him being with anyone else.

You need to get a grip girl, she scolded herself, as she stopped at a small table containing sugar and cream and other condiments and dropping her binder on the table top, peeled the lid off of her drink. So what if he's totally hot and you're merely attracted to him because you haven't had sex in nearly four years and you're dying for some kind of attention, any attention, from a member of the opposite sex. You don't stand a chance in hell of getting with someone like that. So just relax and take a long cold shower when you get home later and forget that today even happened.

xxxx

"You didn't need to buy me anything," Sid said, as he finally caught up to her.

"It's okay superstar," she gave a playful smile. "I figured I'd cut your bank account some slack."

He gave a bemused grin. "Won't be putting this to use any time soon," he declared, as he held up a piece of receipt paper with a phone number scrawled on it in red ink. And adorned with pink lip gloss in the perfect shape of a kiss.

"Do you get that a lot?" Autumn asked curiously, feeling relieved, and slightly hopeful, as she watched him crinkle the piece of paper and toss it in the waste basket under the table.

"What's that?" he inquired, as he peeled off the lid on his decaf coffee and reached across her body for the container of cream. His bare arm brushing against the fabric of her blazer. "Random girls handing me their numbers?"

Autumn nodded, sidestepping slightly, not trusting herself to be in such close proximity to him.

"I'd sound like an ecostical dickhead if I said yes and I'd sound like a liar if I said no," he said. "No win situation if you ask me."

"Very diplomatic," she grinned and scooped up two packages of sugar. "But I've done my research and I know you're a virtual chick magnet so I think it's safe to say it happens quite a bit."

"Too much," he admitted and sipped his coffee before snapping the lid back in place. "It's annoying."

"Most guys would love it," she mused, her eyes twinkling as she looked up at him, slapping the sugar packets against the palm of her hand before tearing them open and dumping the contents into her tea. "Most would be taking total advantage of their popularity. Build themselves a flavour of the week club."

"Yeah?" he considered her words, then smiled as he picked up the heavy binder to carry it for her. "Well I'm not like most guys."

She smiled in appreciation. "Which means your parents did a damn good job raising you. That you still manage to hold onto that whole small town boy thing."

"I guess...I mean, my parents are awesome and did a great job raising me and my sister. But I like to think I don't take advantage of things 'cause I've got self respect. And 'cause I know that those girls don't really want me. They want the image of me. If that makes any sense."

Autumn nodded and returned the lid to her tea. "So obviously you're not married," she observed, as they walked out into the seating area of the cafeteria.

"Too young to be married," he said.

"Fiancee?" she inquired, as she slipped into the closest available both.

"Like I just said. Too young for that," he responded, as he slid in across from her.

"Girlfriend?" she tried again. "Here in Pittsbrugh? Back home?"

"No girlfriend," Sid told her "Here or there."

"Hmm...." she sipped her tea and reaching into the paper bag, broke off the top of the muffin and pulled it out. "Boyfriend?" she asked after a long pause.

He nearly choked on a mouthful of coffee. "Excuse me?" he managed, as he coughed and sputtered noisily.

"We've gone down the list," she reasoned. "It was the last possibility."

"You ask a lot of questions," Sid informed her.

"My job pays me to be curious," she said. "About everyone and everything. It's the nature of the beast, I guess."

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked. "Fair is fair, right? You ask me tons of things, I turn around and ask you stuff. I mean, that's how something like this should work, right?"

"Something like what?" she inquired.

"Something like this. Two people sitting around getting to know each other."

"Is that what we're doing?" she asked innocently.

"It's a two way street, right? I've got just as much of a right to be curious about you."

"I'm not the celebrity," Autumn pointed out.

"It's a simple question. Do you have a boyfriend or not?" he asked.

"Not," she replied, and popped a piece of the muffin into her mouth. "And I like it that way."

"And I don't have a girlfriend. Or a fiancee. Or a boyfriend. I'm not gay. No matter what you probably have heard on the internet."

"People love to gossip about famous people," Autumn reasoned with a shrug. "They especially love to gossip about young hot guys that aren't lacking for female attention but are never seen with a female. That kind of thing always garners rumours."

"Well, that's what they are. Rumours," he assured her. "I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with someone being gay. I just happen to be straight. Just because I don't have a girlfriend does not make me gay."

"So why don't you have a girlfriend?" she asked bluntly. "I mean, you're an attractive guy. You're friendly. Down to earth. How come..."

"I just haven't met anyone that I'd consider girlfriend material," Sid admitted. "And it's not like I have all the time in the world to go out and meet people. Hockey's my life. Plain and simple. And it's hard to meet someone that will accept that. That will be okay with the fact that they have to come second. Or even third or fourth."

"That comes with maturity," Autumn said. "The older the woman, the more you're likely to find someone willing to put up with that. And even then, it's a lot to ask of someone. But someone older? Someone older will be more accepting. Willing to give it a shot. I don't mean date a total cougar or anything..."

"How old are you?" he asked curiously.

"Twenty seven," she replied honestly.

"You date younger guys?"

"I've never had the opportunity to," she admitted. "But I guess...I don't know...I guess if I met the right one I would. If he was mature and didn't burp and scratch his crotch constantly. I've got a seven year old that does stuff like that and it drives me insane."

His eyes widened. "You have a kid?"

Autumn nodded. "Ryan," she told him. "You wanted to know if I'd ever date younger guys. Would you ever date someone with a kid?"

"I've never thought about it," Sid admitted. "I mean...I guess if I really liked someone I would. The thought doesn't bother me or anything like that."

"Well then at twenty two, you're more mature than the guys I've met who are in their thirties. Who think it's the end of the world and that a kid is nothing but baggage and a huge burden they just do not want to deal with. And it's not like I'd ever ask them to take care of my kid. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself."

"Sounds like the guys you're meeting are total douche bags," Sid concluded.

Autumn couldn't help but laugh. "I thought I was the only one that called people that," she said.

"I figured it was better than saying what I was actually thinking. I try not to use my more colourful vocabulary around women. My mom keeps complaining that I have a sewer mouth. That the next time she's down here she's going to wash it out with soap. Like she did when I was ten and I called her a bitch 'cause she wouldn't let me stay out past dark."

"You're in good company," Autumn declared. "My mother in law says I could make a drunken sailor blush. Must be the east coaster in me."

"Can take the girl out of the maritimes but not the maritimes out of the girl," he grinned.

"Exactly," she said.

xxxx

"You do ask a lot of questions though," he told her. "I don't even think the reporters ask that many personal questions."

Autumn gave a shrug. "I've got one more question for you," she said.

Sid sighed.

"Piece of my muffin?" she asked, holding the object in question out towards him.

"I'm good," he replied. "Thanks. You're right about the whole immaturity thing. When it comes to finding girlfriends. No one my age can deal with my lifestyle. And in a way, it's unfair to ask them to. To ask anyone to. I mean, it's not easy. With me being gone all the time. And one day I want to get married and have kids and all that. But..." he gave a sigh. "I just figure I've got lots of time for that sort of thing. But at the same time I don't want to be alone either. I'd like someone to go home to."

Autumn nodded in understanding.

"My buddies keep trying to set me up with people," Sid told her, neither surprised or alarmed that he found himself opening up to her. A virtual stranger. "All the time. Sisters, cousins, girlfriend's sisters or friends or relatives. It's a total pain in the ass. My one friend, Kris? A team mate of mine? His girlfriend Michelle wants me to go out with this friend of hers..."

"Really?" Autumn hoped the relief that surged through her and trickled out through her voice wasn't as obvious to his ears as it was to her own.

"Yeah..." Sid ran the palms of his hands along the sides of his cup. "I've met this girl a couple of times and she's just...she's just way too overbearing. And way too...how do I put this?"

"Honestly?" Autumn suggested.

"She's way too easy," he admitted. "It's all she's interested in. And I'm just not like that. I'm not looking for something based on sex. If that's all I wanted, trust me, I wouldn't be going without. But this girl? Something is not quite right about her. She even made this joke about how she'd get pregnant the first time we slept together and that she'd kicked me to the curb and then send me to the poor house with all the child support she'd want. She said she was just kidding....but who honestly jokes about something like that? That's just..."

"Freakishly bizarre," Autumn declared.

He nodded in agreement. "I just hate disappointing people, you know? I hate hurting peoples' feelings. My agent says it's why I run myself raggged trying to sign everything shoved in my face and why I spent hours after games autographing stuff and posing for pictures. Why I don't get a real summer break 'cause I can't turn anything down when people ask me to appear somewhere. And I don't want to hurt Michelle by not going out with this girl."

"A real friend would understand why you're not interested," Autumn pointed out. "And then tell the girl to back the hell off."

"I know she and Kris just want me to happy. I get that. But her friend? Trust me, her friend is not going to make me happy. Not now. Not ever."

"Honesty is the best policy," Autumn said. "If you don't like her, say so. No one is holding a gun to your head to date her. Just tell them to lay off and let you make your own decisions when it comes to your personal life."

Sid cracked a smile. "I can't believe I'm even telling you all of this. That I'm talking about all this personal stuff. I never talk about personal stuff to anyone."

"Maybe you just don't have anyone to talk to about personal stuff. I know I don't discuss stuff like that with anyone. I mean, who am I going to talk about my sex life with? My mother in law? Gwen? Love her to death, but she's still my boss."

"You don't have any friends you can talk about that kind of stuff with?"

"I'm an introvert," Autumn said.

Sid's eyebrows shot up.

"I know," she laughed. "I don't seem like it. I seem like a real social butterfly, right?"

He nodded.

"This here? Me hanging out with you and talking like this? This is rare. Extremely rare. I don't do this. So I guess...well I guess you should consider yourself lucky."

"I do," he said, and gave her a warm smile.

Autumn felt her cheeks flush under the heavy weight of his stare, and taking a sip of her tea in hopes of composing herself, swallowed and cleared her throat noisily. "We really should get looking at that schedule your agent faxed over," she said, and unzipped the binder in front of her and flipped open the front cover. "It's great that you're willing to donate some of your spare time to the kids here," she continued, as she removed a pen and a folded piece of paper from one of the inside pouches. "Seeing as you get so little time to yourself in the first place...."

"I had a lot of fun today," Sid said. "The kids are great. I even made myself a girlfriend."

"Cara told me," Autumn grinned. "Apparently she has a huge crush on you."

"Yeah? That's funny. 'Cause she said the same thing about you."

She felt herself blush from the tips of her toes to the tops of her ears. "So I was thinking that I could go through your schedule and book in some tentative times for you to come," she said, refusing to meet his gaze. "And then I can either call your agent with the times and dates of I can fax them to him or..."

"Or you could just call me with the times and dates," Sid suggested. "Or we can meet up for coffee or dinner some time and talk about it."

She tried to remain as emotionless as possible. Keeping her eyes riveted on the papers in front of her. Even though her heart was pounding in her chest and her stomach flip flopped agonizingly.

"I mean, it's nothing serious," he quickly added, taking her silence as rejection. "It's just discussing business, right? It's not like a date or anything. Unless, you know, you want it to be a date. 'Cause a date is cool with me if that's what you want it to be."

"I want to..." she fought to find appropriate words. Torn between wanting to agree to go out with him, and wanting to turn him down.

A date was a nice idea. In theory. But she certainly didn't want to get her hopes up that something more would come from it. And if it did, she definitely wasn't prepared to have her life, and that of her son's, thrust into the public spotlight.

"I need to...." her sentence was cut off as her Blackberry vibrated in her pocket. Removing it, she checked the call display. "I have to return this page," she said, as she quickly slid out of the booth. "If you'll excuse me..."

Sid nodded. Watching as she scurrried away from the table without a glance back, and disappeared through one of the exit doors fifty yards away.

xxxx

Sighing heavily, he sipped at his coffee and tried not to let his eys wander over the contents tucked into the inside pouch of her binder. Hospital photo ID, a small slip of paper that listed her home address, three separate phone numbers and an emergency contact person, on top of a written line that indicated she had an allergy to penicillian.

And a stack of business cards.

Looking towards the door that Autumn had left through, he was able to see her through the window as she paced and chatted on her phone. Seizing the opportunity, he leaned forward and plucked out one of the cards. Then slipped it into the back pocket of his jeans before going back to his coffee.

"I'm sorry," she was near breathless when she returned to the table. Instead sitting back down, she hurriedly zipped the binder closed and picked it up. "A new family was just admitted and the other social worker that's here today is already with someone and..."

"I understand," Sid assured her, and slipping out of the booth, stood and picked up his coffee. "Duty calls. I'll walk you to the elevator."

"You don't have to..." she began.

"I want to," he told her.

She gave a small smile, then turned on her heel and led the way out of the cafeteria.

"So you'll schedule some time and get back me?" he asked, as they reached the elevators and he pressed the UP button for her and the DOWN for himself.

"I'll either call or fax your agent," Autumn replied.

Sid nodded. "You going to go through my agent to get back to me about coffee or dinner too?" he asked curiously, as the chime sounded to announce the arrival of the elevator.

"I haven't come to a decision about that," she answered, as the doors open and she walked briskly onto the lift. "But when I do..."

He stared at her, waiting patiently for her to complete her sentence.

"...I'll find you," she finished, then gave a smile before the doors closed, separating them.