And I Thought I Loved You Then

Autumn drummed the neatly manicured fingernails on her left hand against the side of her glass as her eyes wandered down to the elegant pink and white beaded watch that adorned her right wrist.

Quarter to three, she thought with a sigh. Leave it to the most inconsiderate prick in the world to be over half an hour later. Or completely stand me up all together. She questioned her sanity as she sat there, an open menu and a tall glass of iced tea in front of her. She'd opted for something non alcoholic for one main reason. She wasn't planning on giving the creeper the chance to ply her with drinks all afternoon and then have the nerve to insist on driving her home himself -because she'd decided to take the subway that day to spare herself the aggravation of being stuck in traffic- and then taking her to his place instead of his own. The same damn drink he'd tried on her their first date. A trick that had culminated in him on the floor, screaming and writhing in pain after she delivered a knee to his most precious possession.

She'd blamed his behaviour on the booze he'd consumed, and had foolishly given him another chance. From then on he'd he charming and attentive. And she'd fallen for his bullshit hook, line and sinker. She'd accepted the flowers he'd sent to her home and her office. The presents he'd showered on her -including the watch she now wore- and the endless supply of what had seemed like genuine compliments.

And then he'd turned around and have tossed her away like yesterday's garbage. Claiming she had 'mental issues' that she needed help with and that perhaps she could benefit from not only therapy with a good psychiatrist, but from sessions with a parenting expert as well.

She should have punched him in the face or dumped the entire bottle of expensive red wine over his head before storming out of the restaurant. She should have went back to work the next day and sent out a mass email about what a total and utter prick he was. She should have spread it around the place that he was a cold hearted, malicious bastard who got off on playing around with peoples' feelings. Who'd used a seven year old boy to get into her good graces, then had acted as if the kid was a plague and deserved to be seen and not heard. And preferably not seen either.

She should have ruined him. And the complete bitch in her had so desperately wanted to. Instead, she'd walked away hurt and devastated and her pride and self respect nearly destroyed. David had been the first man since her husband that she'd trusted with her heart. It had taken her nearly five years to go on with her life. Or at least attempt to. To open her heart to someone again and to trust and believe in not only them, but in herself as well. Guilt still gnawed at her. Survivors guilt, her mother in law called it. That small piece of her that felt it was wrong to be attracted to someone. That she was somehow doing Quinton a major disservice by thinking about her and her son's futures with a man other than him. And it was that lingering doubt and misplaced loyalty that was holding her back from being truly happy. While she knew that Quinton would want her to move on with her life and be loved and feel love for someone else, she chickened out the second she began to feel anything remotely intense.

She'd just began to emerge from her protective shell when David had single handily forced her back inside of her safe zone.

So then why in the hell was she waiting for the jackass at a cozy table for two in a quaint Italian bistro two blocks from the hospital? Why wasn't she listening to what her heart was telling her and not going after what, and who, she knew would make her truly happy?

Because she was a coward. A self admitted chicken shit who was terrified of the way she was feeling for someone she'd met less than two weeks ago. She'd never experienced that before. An instant attraction to someone. She'd never been transfixed with someone from the word go. But then again, she'd never met anyone like Sidney before. Despite his fame and fortune, he was down to earth and remarkably humble. He had an innocence about him. That small town, boy next door quality that was just so damn appealing. He was shy and unassuming and so...normal. And mixed in with the fact that he was incredibly hot -she'd decided that the words 'kind of cute' just did not do him justice- and had the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen and the most charming, adorable smile...

Face it, you're falling and you're falling quick, Autumn told herself. And you're only using the whole age thing as an excuse. It doesn't really bother you that he's nearly five years younger. He's mature and sensible and has a damn good head on his shoulders. What bothers you is that you're scared shitless that you're feeling all of these things for him. Things that had taken months to surface when you'd met your deceased husband. And you're terrified of getting hurt. Of bringing someone into your life, into Ryan's life, and have them up and disappear when the lure of something younger and easier and prettier comes into the picture.

It was a matter of self preservation that she refused to give in to what she was feeling. That she insisted on the 'friends and only friends' policy she'd laid down on him the night before. Getting involved with someone like Sidney Crosby meant that her quiet, inconspicuous and relatively boring life would be all shot to hell. Both she and Ryan would be thrust into the spotlight and attention, both negative and positive, would be showered down upon them. Their entire existence would be transformed overnight and they'd both be fodder for the rumour mill. She'd seen what people were capable of saying about the wives and girlfriends of athletes. She'd gone onto the internet yesterday afternoon and had found a website that seemed completely devoted to ripping apart various Pittsburgh Penguins' significant others. The vehemence and hate had thrown her for a loop. The things that had been said about Jordan Staal's girlfriend, Heather and Evengi Malkin's Russian girlfriend Oksana had made her sick to her stomach.

And Autumn just wasn't prepared to read that kind of thing about herself. Or have her entire past exposed. Or have her son dragged through the mud.

xxxx

It had scared her so bad that she'd down a complete three sixty before that phone call had come through late last night. Up until she'd seen that vile on the internet, she had come to the conclusion that she couldn't go through life ignoring what she was feeling for him. That she was only hurting herself but not acting on it and not seeing just what, if anything, would happen between them. So at six at night, she'd called his agent and had, under the premise that she was calling about an upcoming charity event she thought Sidney would be interested in, coughed up her home phone number and then anxiously and impatiently waited for him to call her. Determined to just be open and honest about her feelings and hope for the best.

It had been nearly midnight when he finally did call. Sounding physically and emotionally spent after a three game road trip out west that had seen the team arriving in Pittsburgh on a ten in the evening flight. And despite his exhaustion and her insistences that she hang up and they talk tomorrow, they'd stayed on the phone chatting to nearly three in the morning. She loved listening to his voice. It was quiet and calm. Sleepy even. And it, and the soft way that he laughed at the stupid things her own fatigue made her say, almost made her anxiety about what she'd read earlier on the internet completely evaporate.

Almost.

The phone call should have ended on a cheerful note. It should have been her hanging up after telling him that she'd made up her mind and that she'd love to go out with him sometime.

Instead, it had ended with her blurting out that she'd decided that she just wanted to be friends. And nothing but friends. That she didn't feel anything else for him and never would.

She'd felt like a total ass afterwards. She'd spent the entire night tossing and turning and regretting what she'd said. Although Sidney had told her that he completely understood and that friends was okay with him, she knew he was lying and she was pretty sure that he knew she was full of shit too. And while she'd wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call him back and tell him she'd made a mistake, that she was scared and worried about how he'd impact her life, she'd instead struggled to find sleep until the wee hours of the morning. Finally succumbing to exhaustion just as the sun began to peek over the horizon and the sounds of life began to fill the streets. And when she did fall asleep, she'd found herself in the midst of a rather dirty dream that had caused her to bolt awake flustered and totally frustrated.

A dream that even now, caused her cheeks to flush red and a indiscernible heat spread through her entire body. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she leaned forward and stirred the iced tea with her straw before taking a long sip. Then she snapped the menu closed, sat back in her chair and fanned herself off.

Having dirty daydreams about some hot young thing in the middle of the restaurant, Autumn mused. Classy.

Dropping the menu on the table, she reached for her purse sitting on the chair beside her, and rummaging through it, scooped up her cell phone and flipped it open. She'd turned it onto silent when she'd entered the restaurant, and was both surprised, and pleased, to see she'd missed two calls and a text message. That read, I need to talk to you. ASAP. And had been sent to her only three minutes before from...

Her eyes widened as she saw the name and she quickly typed back a response.

Just got your message. What's up? Is everything okay?

Pressing the send button, she leaned back in her chair and waited for the response. Her eyes darting around the small bistro as she waited for the arrival of her rather unwelcome companion. Normally, the quaint establishment was one of her favourite places to frequent in downtown Pittsburgh. With its terracotta tiling, cream coloured walls and elegantly carved cove ceilings and mosaic topped wrought iron tables, it had been the first place she'd discovered when she'd arrived from New Jersey. She'd stumbled upon it on her second day at work when looking for a place to have a quiet lunch. And it quickly become somewhere for her to go and relax in the midst of a hectic shift. A sanctuary of sorts, from the trials and tribulations that came with working with terminally ill children and their families. As in introvert, she hadn't gone out of her way to make friends since she'd arrived, and it wasn't uncommon to find her sitting on the bistro's outdoor patio, eating lunch or sipping a cafe au lait or a flavoured tea while engrossed in a mound of patient files.

Her phone beeped noisily and she glanced down.

I've called twice and you never answered. I need to talk to you. Where are you? Can you pick up?

Give me thirty seconds and I'll call you back, she typed and then sent the message on its way. Then waiting half a minute, scrolled through her phone book until she found the number she wanted and hit the talk button.

xxxx

"About time..." Sid grumbled in way of greeting. "You're a hard person to get a hold of. I called your office and there was no answer. I called your house, same thing. So I went over there thinking that maybe you were just screening your calls and you were really there and I..."

"Wait a second...you went over to my house? How do you even know where I live?"

"Well I know what your number is, right? So I just cracked open the phone book and matched the phone number up to the address and...."

"Oh really?" she smirked, and took a sip of her iced tea. "Sidney...my phone number is unlisted. And even if it wasn't? I've only lived here for two and a half months and I know for a fact that the Pittsburgh phone books that are out right now were printed last year."

Silence emanated from the other end.

"Okay..." he gave a sigh. "So I may have talked Gwen into giving me your address a few days ago when I was in Edmonton and I went to call your office and I chickened out and I...you know what? That doesn't matter. She gave me your address."

"You chickened out calling little old me?" she asked, amused. "Hockey's prodigal son freaked out over calling a girl? What's the matter, superstar?" she teased. "Cat has your tongue when it comes to members of the weaker sex?"

"Funny..." he muttered. "Has it ever occurred to you that just maybe you have that effect on me?"

"Have any dirty dreams last night?" she inquired.

"What? Dirty dreams? What are you...."

"If you didn't have any dirty dreams, then let's not get into a discussion about who has the effect on who, okay? That is the last time I ever talk on the phone with you late at night."

"What are you..."

She could practically see the grin through the phone as realization hit him.

"You had a dirty dream?" he asked. "Seriously? About me?"

"Maybe..." she replied coyly.

"What was it about?" he inquired. "What happened in this dream?"

Autumn laughed. "Look, if I start going into details here, the owner just might call the cops because I can't control myself. You want to have phone sex, we better do it when I'm not in a public place."

Silence once again.

"Wow...." Autumn giggled. "You really do get all virgin Catholic school boy bashful when it comes to certain subjects," she teased.

"It's not that," Sid argued. "It's just that...I'm trying to drive here and you're getting me worked on talking about us having phone sex."

"That's what they make those hands free things for," she reasoned, amused and pleased that she was able to elicit such a response from him. "You know...so I can talk dirty to you and you can..."

"Autumn, you are totally blowing your whole 'let's just be friends' thing. 'Cause this? Do you talk like this to all your guy friends?" he asked, cutting her off before she could finish.

"Just the really hot ones," she replied. "And this is all in good fun. Sorry. I didn't realize you'd take me so seriously."

You stupid bitch, she thought. What is wrong with you? You've got him on the phone. You mean every goddamn word you're saying and you've got the perfect opportunity right now to tell him what you'd wanted to last night before your own paranoia kicked in and you bailed. Say something before he hangs up. Say something and quit playing around with the poor guy so much.

"Where are you?" he asked, irritation creeping into his voice. "'Cause I can't drive around for the rest of the afternoon. We need to talk. Just tell me where you are and I'll meet you."

"You're right," Autumn told him. "We do need to talk. But this isn't a good time right now. In fact, it's probably the worst time in the world."

"Where are you?" he repeated.

"You know La Costa?"

"That little Italian place about two blocks from the Mellon Arena? Yeah. The team eats there every once in a while. Why are you..."

"I'm waiting for someone," she admitted. "So you're going to have to...you're going to have to give me some time to deal with some stuff before we can talk."

He sighed. "How long?"

"I don't know....half an hour? Forty five minutes. Although if he's not here in ten I'm out of here."

"He? Who's he?"

"Don't be going all possessive, jealous suitor on me here," Autumn said defensively.

"I'm not. I'm just..."

"I'll call you as soon as I get myself out of this mess. I only agreed to meet him because I had this meltdown before you called last night and the things that I said to you on the phone were just...they were just wrong and I never should have said them," she rambled. "And I wanted to call you back right away and explain why I'd acted like such an immature little bitch but it was really late and you were really tired from the flight and you..."

"Whoa...slow down, okay?" Sid laughed. "Take a breath and just slow down. I can't..."

"I was so stupid!" she huffed. "Everything I said to you last night? I never should have said them! I was originally going to tell you something entirely different and then something freaked me out and when you called I...I wimped out. Plain and simple. I took the easy way out and I convinced myself that I didn't need the drama that being with you would cause me and I said things that I didn't really mean. And now I...and now I'm stuck on this goddamn date or whatever you want to call it! All because I never told you the truth last night! Karma's a goddamn bitch!"

"Autumn, seriously...would you just take it easy and tell me..."

"I'm a tool, okay!" she cried. "I was on this website and I read all these nasty ass things these fan girls were saying about some of your team mate’s girlfriends and I thought, what the hell are they going to say about me if we hook up? And I panicked. And I ended up telling you the complete opposite of what I had really intended and now...now I'm stuck on this date with the biggest asshole in the world!"

"Sean Avery?" Sid asked with a chuckle. "What are you..."

"Okay, now who's trying to be funny?" she gave a nervous laugh. "No...this misogynistic bastard who thinks he's God's gift to women and that it's his right to spread the love around."

"That doctor you told me about? The one that says you have too much baggage and that you need professional help?"

"The one and only," she snorted. "And he's over half an hour later the sonofabitch. Why am I here? Is this me paying some sort of penance? What did I do wrong to deserve this?"

"I don't know....depends what you did last night after you had that dream. Maybe you did a little something afterwards that God's frowning upon or something..."

Autumn felt herself flush and she picked up the menu once again and fanned herself. "Okay....drop it about the dream, already. I'm breaking out into a sweat here and unless the old biddies at the next table want a live re-make of When Harry Met Sally...."

"Yeah...but she was faking it," Sid pointed out.

"True...but lucky for you, I never fake."

He cleared his throat noisily. "I can not believe I'm having this conversation while I'm driving."

"I could go into the bathroom and really go into detail," Autumn teased. "But then you'd probably have to pull over. So you don't cause a multi-car pile up and kill yourself. I don't want to be the scourge of Pittsburgh, okay? Sid the Kid's down fall. His own personal Yoko Ono. How would that look? If I caused your demise by talking about some perverted dream I had about you?"

"I'd go happy and with a smile on my face," he said.

"I suppose...but then I'd never get the chance to see if the real deal is as good as the dream. I need to find those kinds of things out for myself. I figure it can go one of two ways. I'll either be really disappointed that the dream was better, or the real thing will just totally kick ass...hey! Who said that. I think my evil twin keeps hijacking the phone."

Sid laughed. "I think I'm actually getting a sneak peek at the real you," he said.

"Are you scared?" she asked.

"I'm something. But it's not scared."

"You should be terrified," she declared, then gave a dramatic, maniacal laugh. "I may look all sweet and innocent, but trust me. I am the girl your mother has worked so hard to keep you away from for the last twenty two years of your life."

"Are you kidding? Who do you think corrupted my dad?"

"Good answer!" she laughed. "Your mom and I will get along just fine, then. What was in this iced tea?" she fanned herself with the menu again. "I think someone may have slipped E into my drink. I seriously don't know where this is all coming from."

"This is honestly the strangest conversation I have ever had," Sid declared.

"It's probably the hottest one, too."

He didn't deny it.

"Well...just think...what our phone calls will be like the next time you go on one of your extended road trips."

"You know what? I'm hanging up now. Before I do get into an accident."

"Pick me up in forty five minutes?" she asked.

"What am I supposed to do for the next forty five minutes?"

"Hmmm....flog the bishop?" she said between well placed coughs.

"I'll see you in forty five minutes," he told her, and disconnected the call.

xxxx

Like putty in my hands, she thought with a victorious grin. She felt energized and confident for the first time in the past five years. Maybe even longer. She'd never, ever felt so empowered in her entire life. Nor had she ever talked like that to a guy. And it had felt...good. To know that she had that kind of effect on someone. To know that a guy that was that hot and that sought after by so many females was so easily and effortlessly turned on by someone as normal as her.

She pressed the end button on her cell phone and tucked it into her purse. And was just about to wave a waiter over to place an order for something small to eat when she felt a presence standing behind her. She could smell the Diesel cologne and out of the corner of her eye, saw the beige fabric of his Dockers and the white dress shirt tucked inside of them.

"You're..." The word late got cut off when she felt his hand run over her hair and his warm breath on her shoulder when he leaned in close. A chill running down her spine and bile rising in her throat when he pressed his lips to her temple.

It was going to be forty five minutes in sheer hell.