And I Thought I Loved You Then

“Grandma….” seven year old Ryan Winters’ voice piped up from where he was parked at the cluttered kitchen table, still clad in the navy blue cargo pants and the white golf shirt with the name St. Michael’s stitched in yellow and blue lettering just below the left shoulder. Kneeling on the kitchen chair, he was surrounded by binders and text books. A black pencil case was open to his left; markers and other writing utensils having long ago spilled out onto the table.

Zara paused as she sliced fresh chicken breast at the island in the middle of the room and glanced over her shoulder at her grandson, who, with a purple binder propped in front of him and a pencil clasped tightly in his left hand, appeared to be engrossed in the math worksheets that she’d insisted he work on the moment he’d gotten home.

“Did you know that Ben Roethlisberger is the youngest starting QB to ever win the Super Bowl?” Ryan inquired. “And that he’s the second youngest ever to appear in the big show? Dan Marino as the first.”

A grin tugged at the corner of her lips, and wiping her hands on the apron tight around her pudgy waist, approached the table. “No…I didn’t know that,” she said. “But you know what I do know?”

The seven year old shook his head.

“I know that they don’t teach NFL football stats in grade two,” she informed him. Then held out her hand. “Cough it up, sweet cheeks.”

“But I was…” he hurriedly attempted to cover up the magazine he was reading with his math worksheet.

Zara arched both eyebrows and stared down at him pointedly.

“Busted…” Ryan grumbled, and reluctantly handed over the Sports Illustrated for Kids that he’d talked his mom into buying him when they’d walked down to the corner store after supper the evening before. “I don’t get why I gotta do math anyway,” he huffed, as his grandmother dropped the magazine on the top of the fridge and went back to preparing dinner. “If I’m gonna be in the NFL, I don’t need to know math.”

“You’ll need to know proper English though,” Zara told him. “And what you’re speaking, child? That’s a language all in its own you have going there.”

“Only reason I have to know how to add is that I can count all my money when I’m rich,” Ryan reasoned. “And if I’m rich, then I can get people to do that for me.”

“If you don’t stop talking and get down to that homework, you won’t be getting to the NFL,” his grandmother said. “Because it will take you until you’re twenty to get into high school.”

The little boy issued a heavy, dramatic sigh. One that reminded Zara so much of her daughter in law. He had long ago inherited his mother’s expressions and body language. The way he chewed on his bottom lip when he was nervous. How he tipped his head to the side and his eyes narrowed when he was deep in quiet contemplation. For seven he was exceptionally bright and, for the most part, well behaved and respectful. Moving to Pittsburgh had been a Godsend for Ryan. Back in New Jersey he’d been the target of bullying for there mere fact that he was bi-racial. It had been an issue since he was baby. Zara herself had seen the faces people pulled when they saw Autumn and Quinton together out on the street. Or when she was with Autumn and curious eyes peered into the stroller to get a look at the baby. She had tried long and hard to convince herself that attention was drawn to her son and his young wife because of the odd couple they made. Autumn, tiny at barely five feet and a mere hundred pounds soaking wet at that time, and Quinton at six foot seven, two hundred and seventy five pounds. A brick wall of a man. Zara had, to no avail, wanted to believe that it was the startling differences in appearance that caused the stares and the whispers. It was simply too painful to think it was anything else.

It had done the entire family a world of good to get away. Quinton had been dead for five years and staying in the same house, in the same small town outside of Hackensack had been preventing them all from getting on with their lives. There were too many memories in that house. Too many people that knew them and, although with the best of intentions, still offered their sympathies day in and day out, regardless of the years that had passed. Being constantly reminded of the loss had effectively ground healing to a halt.

Pittsburgh had only been home for two and a half months, but the changes in all of them were startling. Ryan was doing well in school. He’d made friends easily and his grades had improved tremendously. He no longer had terrible nightmares every night or woke up sick to his stomach about facing another day of classes. His behaviour had improved as well. While still possessing a smart mouth for a child -he had his mother’s sarcasm and brutally honesty, unfortunately- the obsessive compulsive tendencies had trickled to a near stop and he was more relaxed and happy.

Autumn had slid into her new job quickly and effortlessly. She smiled and laughed more. She made a genuine attempt to concentrate less on work and more on her tiny family. And on herself. While still struggling to come to terms with the horrible cards that she’d been dealt at such a young age, she no longer dwelled on the past and what could have been. She knew that no amount of begging and pleading was going to bring Quinton back. He was gone. Impossibly out of reach. And it was up to her to honour him by both taking care of the child they’d made together and herself. She wasn’t going out of her way to find someone else. Adopting the philosophy that if love was meant to happen, it would find her. Even if that did mean having to kiss a lot of frogs before finding her prince.

For Zara, Pittsburgh had been an escape from all of the memories of her son that plagued her. She was haunted by the constant wondering of what his last moments must have been like. Bleeding to death, alone and terrified on the shoulder of that dark highway. She was unable to think of anything else but how his life ended. No matter how many times she’d told herself that she needed to concentrate on how he lived, rather than how he had died, the thoughts of her son as he took his last breath would not abandon her. Moving to a different state had provided her with the chance to close that chapter on her life and attempt to move on to a new one. And while she had initially balked at the idea of moving that far away and living with her daughter in law and grandson, it had been Autumn that had convinced her that it was a good idea. Winning her over with the reasoning that she couldn’t let go of Quinton and move on by herself. That she needed her leaning post, her rock, to do that. And Zara was all those things and more.

Of course, she knew that the time would come when she’d have to cut the proverbial apron strings. She knew that Autumn would, when the time was right, meet someone that she’d eventually marry and have a family with. She’d have a husband and other children. She was young and beautiful and had so much love to give and deserved the chance to be happy again. One day, Ryan would have a father and siblings. That would be Zara’s cue to leave. To seek a home of her own. Knowing that Autumn and Ryan were well taken care of was the most important thing to her. And when and if that person came along that was capable of loving, caring for, and respecting them, she’d gladly hand over the torch.

For now, she was perfectly content to stay where she was. Close to a young woman that she loved like her own. Who had adored her son and made him happy. Who had done her part in giving Zara a beautiful grandson. A permanent memento of the only child that she had lost so tragically.

XXXXX

“Stacks on deck, Patron on ice, and we can pop bottles all night,” Ryan’s voice filled the kitchen, and his grandmother’s eyebrows shot up in both horror and intrigue as she turned to look at him. “Baby you could have whatever you like,” he continued, as he worked feverishly at his homework. “I said you could have whatever you like.”

“What in the world are you singing honey child?” Zara inquired. “That better not be no gangsta rap.”

“Some of the older kids listen to it all the time,” he told her. “It’s T.I. grandma.”

“What is T.I.?”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “It’s a who,” he corrected. “It’s hip hop.”

“Well you better start singing some kiddie stuff before your mother walks in the door and finds out you’ve been…”

As if on cue, there was the sound of footsteps on the creaky wooden stairs that led to the rusted old screen door on the sunroom. Followed by Autumn’s distinct giggling and the and the jingling of keys. And a man’s voice and laugh. Zara was thankful it wasn’t the pathetic excuse for a man that Autumn had originally set out of the house earlier to meet. The good doctor was nothing but a waste of valuable breathing space, and she’d given her daughter in law a stern glare and a shake of the head when she’d left and had let it slip just who she was going to see.

Hockey superstar Sidney Crosby showing up unexpectedly at the front door two hours ago hadn’t been a mortal shock. Zara had been lending her daughter in law an ear for nearly two weeks since she’d met the young man at the hospital during a gig another player had backed out on it. Autumn had confided in her when Zara had found her in the kitchen at three in the morning eating cheesecake- that she was torn over what to exactly do. She wanted a sure thing. Someone that could give her stability. A solid foundation. And while it was just an invitation for coffee or dinner, Autumn was terrified that if something more was to come of it, her quiet, unassuming life would suddenly explode into a three ring circus.

Zara was a firm believer in two things. Taking chances, and destiny. As far as she was concerned, life was too short to sit back and fret over the things you couldn’t control. And attraction to another human being was one of those things. Maybe it would never venture further than a friendship. Maybe it was going to go the complete opposite direction and be the greatest love story of Autumn’s entire life. No one knew what path was laid out before them. But they could make choices that would determine just how smooth that journey would be. There was no sense, years down the road, looking back and wondering what if.

Things happened for a reason. Both the good and the bad. And Zara saw the opportunity laid right out in front of her daughter in law. That other young man had backed out at the last minute. There was no telling what would have happened if he hadn’t. But she was damn certain that her daughter in law would be passing up on something huge if she didn’t take the chance and follow her heart for once.

Zara genuinely liked this Crosby kid. Not because he was a household name all over the world and made millions of dollars. She honestly didn’t care what he was famous for. He could have been a garbage man and it wouldn’t have made a lick of difference to her. What she was most impressed with, what she admired about him, was how normal he seemed. He didn’t walk on up to the front door with an entourage following at his heels, or a huge chip on his shoulder. He was soft spoken and polite, and in between his stuttering and stammering when explaining just what he was doing there and how he got the address in the first place, he was downright boy next door charming.

It had taken Ryan several minutes to recuperate from his star struck moment. With his mother’s job, he had met many professional athletes while living in New Jersey. Including the likes of Martin Brodeur and John Madden. But that moment, as he realized Sidney Crosby was standing on the front porch asking for his mother, the out going, often cocky seven year old was frozen and speechless. It had been Sid that had snapped him out of him. Crouching down to eye level and talking directly to him. Treating him like a human being. Something the kid had come NOT to expect from anyone interested in his mother. He was used to being ignored and viewed as a burden.

When he realized that this guy was different, he took quickly and effortlessly to Sid. Of course, the handful of expensive hockey cards and tickets to Saturday’s game had helped the process as well.

The screen door swung open and Autumn’s voice rang out as she stepped into the sunroom.

“I’m home! And I brought another mouth to feed!”

“I see you managed to track her down,” Zara commented, giving Sid a warm, welcoming smile as he followed Autumn into the kitchen, a white cardboard cake box in his hand. “And he even takes his shoes off,” she said with a sigh, as she caught sight of his bare feet.

“The streets of Pittsburgh are unfortunately not paved with gold,” Autumn said, as she took the cake box from Sid’s hands, and sitting it on the counter nearest her mother in law, gave Zara a one armed hug and a kiss on the cheek. “They’re paved with spit and bacteria and germs and dog crap…” she shivered dramatically. “And he didn’t just track me down. He rescued me.”

Zara arched a quizzical eyebrow.

“Spared me from a stay in county lock up. Not to mention a psych evaluation and a trial for first degree murder,” Autumn added cheerfully. “I nearly committed murder today with a butter knife!”

“I would have gladly helped you hide that body,” Zara declared, then slapped her daughter in law’s hand as she snagged a piece of chicken and popped it into her mouth.

Autumn gave a bright smile, kissed the older woman’s cheek once more and then padded across the kitchen in her bare feet, her bubblegum pink nail polish and the black rosary artfully tattooed on the top of her right ankle and the top of her foot on full display. She stood behind Ryan’s chair and ran a hand over his kinky hair and showered his cheeks with kisses. Much to his embarrassment.

“Mom! Stop!” he pleaded, grimacing as he wiped his face with the back of his hands. “Not in front of my peeps!”

“Your peeps?” she laughed. “Who’s your…”

“How’s it going, little man?” Sidney asked.

“Whassup, Sid,” the seven year old responded, and held out his clenched hand to execute a fist pound.

“Whoa…holy Twilight Zone moment, Batman,” Autumn grinned. “You actually getting along with someone I bring home?”

“Mom, technically, he came here alone,” Ryan corrected her. “And it’s Sidney Crosby, dawg! I’ve got eight point seven million reasons to like him! He’s cool. He’s my homie. Check this out,” reaching under his binder, the little boy pulled out three hockey cards enclosed in hard plastic cases. “I gotta Martin Brodeur rookie card, a John Madden one…and a Mario one! And it’s signed, too!”

She gave Sid a soft smile and playfully nudged him in the side with her elbow. And it was all the thanks he needed.

“I hope you said thank you,” she said to her son, as she combed her fingers through his hair.

“Of course mom! ‘Cause Sid’s not a douche like all the other guys you date! That other guy was trippin’! Doctor Feelgood.”

“Ryan!” Autumn gasped. “What in the…”

“That’s what grandma calls him,” he explained with a shrug, as his mother covered her face with her hands to hide her embarrassment. “Guess what else Sid gave me!” he cried, oblivious to his mom’s discomfort. “Tickets to Saturday’s game! Against the Flyers! Four of them! Can we go, mommy? Grandma said that she’d go! And she’d bring Ellis!”

“My mother in law’s boyfriend,” Autumn explained to Sid. “He’s a firefighter.”

“A much, much, much younger firefighter,” Zara added with a sly grin. “So you’re not the only cougar in this family, my dear.”

Sidney laughed, then laid a hand on the back of Autumn’s neck and massaged lightly as she turned bright red, right to the tips of her ears.

“I am going to go and get changed,” she said, reaching behind her to squeeze his hand and stroke his wrist. “Before my family can humiliate me even more. And don’t worry…” she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “They won’t hurt you…” she patted his sides softly and headed for the door. Pausing to grin at him over her shoulder and add, “Much.”

Zara grinned, and cast a glance at the young man standing in her kitchen. Noticing the way he watched every move that her daughter in law made. This kid was definitely falling hard and fast according to the almost goofy smile on his face.

“Boy…” she laughed and shook her head. “You have no clue what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

XXXXX

“Where’d Sidney go?” Autumn asked curiously, as she wandered back into the kitchen a half an hour later, her hair pulled back and secured in a sloppy bun held in place by a pair of blue plastic sticks and clad in a pair of denim capris and a figure hugging pink t-shirt with Strawberry Shortcake on the front of it. “You scare him away?”

“He’s upstairs with Ryan,” Zara replied.

“Which means he’s either playing videogames, going through all the binders upon binders of hockey cards or being interrogated,” Autumn sighed, as she went to the kitchen table and began gathered up her son’s school supplies. “You know the lectures that kid likes to give.”

“Something tells me he’ll go easy on the guy,” her mother in law said. “It’s you that will break him.”

Autumn just grinned. “An hour into things and I get dumped for someone younger,” she quipped, and stuffing markers into the pencil case, zipped it closed.

“Things?” Zara asked. “And just what things are those?”

“Unofficially? As in we’re not telling anyone about it? We’re seeing each other.”

“Which is a lame, safe way of saying you’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” Zara observed.

“Officially, if people ask, we’re a work in progress,” Autumn continued, ignoring her mother in law. “We’re not ready to pin a label on us.”

“We’re not? Or you’re not?”

Autumn didn’t respond.

“I don’t know what the big deal is here,” her mother in law said. “If two people like each other…and trust me, looking at the two of you together, it goes far beyond just that…then it’s their prerogative to date and calm themselves whatever the hell they want.”

“It’s not that simple,” Autumn told her. “It’s…complicated.”

“What’s so complicated? You’re either with him or you’re not,” Zara said.

“This isn’t just some normal guy on the street,” her daughter in law argued. “This isn’t just some guy I happened to meet at work. I mean, I did meet him there but he’s not…he’s just not like everyone else, mom. We can’t just go around town holding hands and going out on dates like a regular couple can.”

“Why the hell not? If you weren’t trying to hide it, you’d be able to do that. People will find out sooner or later, Autumn. It’s not something you can hide, you know.”

“I know…I just…” she sighed heavily and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s a big deal, you know. People are going to talk about me. And some of it is not going to be nice. And I just don’t…I’m not quite ready for that.”

“You’re going to have to be. Because you can’t go around hiding it forever. What’s the point of being with someone if you can’t be seen with them? That’s just…stupid.”

“I just need a little time to get used to the idea,” Autumn said, as she carried Ryan’s things to the sunroom. “I just need some time to get my head on straight and my issues sorted out before I’ve got reporters tailing my every move. And don’t tell me it’s not going to happen. And don’t tell me that all the army of female fans he have won’t have a shit fit and say all kinds of nasty stuff about me.”

“I think you need to think about all the good things and think less about the bad,” Zara said. “How are you going to enjoy being in a relationship with him if you dwell on all the negative things?”

“Because the negative things are all part of the package. They come with him unfortunately. I can’t just have him. And I’ll never really have him, all of him, to begin with. Hockey’s his life. It comes first. We’ve already had that discussion. About him not being around a lot. He wanted to give me the option to back out before I got too deep into things. No hard feelings if I did want to get out.”

“And…?”

“And I’m already too deep into it to get out. And that’s what scares me. Terrifies me, actually.”

“Love is always scary,” Zara declared.

“Whoa…” Autumn gave a nervous laugh as she went to the fridge and opened it. “Let’s not get too far ahead of yourselves here,” she said, as she helped herself to a bottle of blackberry grape vitamin water and close the fridge door. “No one is dropping the L word. It is way too soon for that.”

“You just said that…”

“I said that I was in too deep to get out,” Autumn said, as she leaned against the counter alongside of her mother in law and twisted the lid off the plastic bottle in her hands. “I never said that I was in love with. I’ve only known him shy of two weeks. You can not fall in love with someone that quick.”

“I met and married Quinton’s father within six weeks,” Zara reminded her. “I was much younger than you and we would have still been together had he not took sick.”

“Well you’re an exception to the rule,” Autumn swigged her water. “Everyone wants a love like that but hardly anyone finds it. You’re lucky.”

“I think if you weren’t so anal about the whole thing, you’d realize you’re capable of finding it too,” her mother in law said.

Autumn laughed. “Please…and who says that I didn’t have that already? With Quinton? Who says that he wasn’t the love of my life?”

“Honey child, seriously…” Zara stared at her young and hard. “I know how much you loved my son and made him happy. And vice versa. But you were both so young and while I’m not doubting that it was love, I’m just saying that…that you shouldn’t base what happens in your future on how you felt in the past.”

Autumn didn’t respond.

“I know that you have issues with moving on,” her mother in law continued. “I know you have this almost misplaced loyalty…”

“It’s not misplaced loyalty,” Autumn said. “It’s just…I don’t know….I guess I don’t really trust myself.”

Zara waited for her to explain.

“I don’t trust my heart anymore. At all. I don’t trust it to make the right decisions for me and especially for Ryan. It’s not just me that I have to worry about. And the way that I’m feeling right now…I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. Because my heart is telling me that this is okay. That I should just close my eyes and take a deep breath and let it happen. And then my brain is telling me to not to do it. To step back and protect myself. And it’s hard to….it’s hard to know what part of me to trust.”

“Your heart will not steer you wrong,” Zara told her. “Your brain…your brain will convince you that closing yourself off is the right thing to do. And you know what? You can’t go through your life like that. Do you really want to be still living with me ten years from now, kicking yourself in the ass for not taking a chance?”

Autumn shook her head.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” the older woman asked. “Tell me what the head of yours is brewing.”

“It’s telling me that in six months something younger and prettier is going to come along and I’ll be history,” Autumn admitted. “And that I’m probably not the only one in his life. How do I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend or even girlfriends in all these different cities?”

“Please,” Zara laughed. “That’s just plain ridiculous. First off, you’d hear about the whole girlfriends thing. People gossip. Second off all, that boy is head over heels crazy about you.”

Autumn rolled her eyes. “You read too many romance novels,” she grumbled.

“Trust me…you’ll be coming to me in a couple of months and telling me how right I was. Why are you so cynical, Autumn? Why do you think the worst? Constantly put yourself down like that?”

She shrugged. “What does someone like Sidney see in someone like me?” she asked. “I mean, I’m just normal. I live a relatively boring existence. I have a dead husband and a seven year old kid. Who voluntarily gets themselves mixed up in that?”

“You can’t help what and who the heart wants,” Zara reasoned. “And don’t you dare stand there and tell me that your heart doesn’t want him.”

Autumn just sighed.

“Just take the leap girl,” her mother in law urged. “What do you think is going to happen to you? Who cares if people say stuff about you? Who cares if you’ve got reporters camped out on your doorstep. It’s not like you have all these horrible secrets in your past to hide. What you see is what you get with you. You’re the strongest person, I know. You’re tenacious and you’re brave and you…if you can get through the darkest time in your life, you can handle anything.”

Autumn didn’t respond. Her eyes were riveted on the bottle of water in her hands as she nervously picked at the paper label. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me,” she said, her voice barely audible. “My father…Quinton…and I don’t know if I can take that again.”

“So instead you’d rather be miserable and alone for the rest of your life,” Zara concluded.

“I just don’t want to get hurt again,” Autumn said. “I don’t want to bring someone into my life, into Ryan’s life and have them walk back out just as quick. My heart just can’t…” she fought back tears. “It just can’t take that.”

“You can’t go through love never loving someone,” her mother in law said. “You can’t go through life not having someone love you. And Ryan needs someone in his life. It can’t be his mother and his grandmother all the time. He needs someone that will love him and nurture him. And you’re robbing him of that. And you’re robbing yourself, Autumn. Why can’t you see that?”

She shrugged.

“Honey child…” Zara stepped away from the stove and laid a gentle hand on the side of her daughter in law’s face. “When you walked in here today, that was the first time in a long time that I’ve seen you happy. Really happy. And don’t tell me that it doesn’t feel good to feel like that again.”

Autumn smiled. “It does. It does feel good. Being with him feels good. Too good and I’m worried that…”

“Just breathe,” her mother in law told her. “That’s all you got to do. Just breathe.”

Taking a deep, shaky breath the younger woman released it slowly.

“Everything else will just fall into place,” Zara promised. “You just have to let it happen. No matter how damn scary it may be.”

Autumn nodded in agreement.

And only hoped her heart wasn’t leading her into the biggest disaster of her life.