Harry Cotter and the Philosopher’s Brothel.
Lord Dangermouse?
They were lucky. Although I doubt they’d call themselves that. They’d describe themselves the opposite, especially after discovering the shot gun that Haggis had been holding was empty and that now they were staring in the face of a centaur…
He’d burst forward, causing the cloaked man to disappear, but then turned his attention onto the 3 boys and one giant with a genetic default.
“Whut a’ yooo duuuing in thes purt ov tha wuds, thes is ma turf?”
“What?”
“Suury.” Using his arm, he removed his retainer, “What are you doing in these part of the woods, it’s centaur land?”
“Collecting yer shit!”
“Haggis?”
“What of it?”
“Oh, sorry boys, if you’re with him…”
“Why do you wear a retainer?” Draco was very blunt
“Centaurs like straight teeth too ya cunt…Next time I’ll let him get ya.”
“Who?”
“DANGERMOUSE!” Haggis giggled
“ Lord Dem?” the rapist gulped, pausing, glancing around before taking off out of the woods but neither no one noticed nor cared.
“I guess I’m a hero…I need a hat…a party…parade…” the beast walked off, mumbling about how we was to celebrate this heroic effort which he had done…not admitting that in actual fact he’d been going to eat the boys and saved the giant for desert.
“Haggis? Dangermouse?”
“Yuh, dint Bumblebore tell ya!”
“I haven’t spoken to Bumblebore…why would I?”
“Well…ya didn’t hear this from me, but he loves you…weeny crush…but yeah, Dangermouse built a small hut, preserved land though. No one can get to him…just in this forrest, where we’re not allowed to build, he’s in an underground thing…but yeah…wants to break in get to the Brothel.”
“Brothel?” Draco’s eyes lit up
“The Philosopher’s Brothel!” the Wankers spoke together
“Yeah, that’d be it! See the top whore, have sex with her and BOOM, instant internal life…but ya gotta get a key to get to her room on the third floor, and until he can get to that he’s living there.”
“Drunk Haggis is good for this kinda stuff,” Ron smiled
“Ssssh. So Haggis, why does no one arrest him?”
“Protected lands have no law, legally he can do whatever he want, so past the river and down to the edges of the forrest he basically rules.”
“Then why is there a rule against building a house?”
“Bloody national trust!”
“Ah.” Ron rolled his eyes as Haggis nodded, the small man then passing out upon the floor.
“Boy, I’m glad I’m not you.”
“What?” Harry spun to face his friend.
“Dem is out to get ya.”
“Meh,” Harry shrugged, “I’ll just poke him in the eye?”
“What?”
“He’s weak right?”
“How..”
“Google is a powerful tool my friend. But look, he has to sleep with the whore first and like he can get into school.”
“Sure?”
“Sure as pie. I’m not scared of anything…except maybe Wood.”
“Erections?”
“No. Oliver, I’ve missed all Figbitch training this month…first game tomorrow.”
“Yer screwed mate.”
“Not as much as Haggis…” he motioned to the sleeping body, currently being molested with what must have been a rogue ferret.
He’d burst forward, causing the cloaked man to disappear, but then turned his attention onto the 3 boys and one giant with a genetic default.
“Whut a’ yooo duuuing in thes purt ov tha wuds, thes is ma turf?”
“What?”
“Suury.” Using his arm, he removed his retainer, “What are you doing in these part of the woods, it’s centaur land?”
“Collecting yer shit!”
“Haggis?”
“What of it?”
“Oh, sorry boys, if you’re with him…”
“Why do you wear a retainer?” Draco was very blunt
“Centaurs like straight teeth too ya cunt…Next time I’ll let him get ya.”
“Who?”
“DANGERMOUSE!” Haggis giggled
“ Lord Dem?” the rapist gulped, pausing, glancing around before taking off out of the woods but neither no one noticed nor cared.
“I guess I’m a hero…I need a hat…a party…parade…” the beast walked off, mumbling about how we was to celebrate this heroic effort which he had done…not admitting that in actual fact he’d been going to eat the boys and saved the giant for desert.
“Haggis? Dangermouse?”
“Yuh, dint Bumblebore tell ya!”
“I haven’t spoken to Bumblebore…why would I?”
“Well…ya didn’t hear this from me, but he loves you…weeny crush…but yeah, Dangermouse built a small hut, preserved land though. No one can get to him…just in this forrest, where we’re not allowed to build, he’s in an underground thing…but yeah…wants to break in get to the Brothel.”
“Brothel?” Draco’s eyes lit up
“The Philosopher’s Brothel!” the Wankers spoke together
“Yeah, that’d be it! See the top whore, have sex with her and BOOM, instant internal life…but ya gotta get a key to get to her room on the third floor, and until he can get to that he’s living there.”
“Drunk Haggis is good for this kinda stuff,” Ron smiled
“Ssssh. So Haggis, why does no one arrest him?”
“Protected lands have no law, legally he can do whatever he want, so past the river and down to the edges of the forrest he basically rules.”
“Then why is there a rule against building a house?”
“Bloody national trust!”
“Ah.” Ron rolled his eyes as Haggis nodded, the small man then passing out upon the floor.
“Boy, I’m glad I’m not you.”
“What?” Harry spun to face his friend.
“Dem is out to get ya.”
“Meh,” Harry shrugged, “I’ll just poke him in the eye?”
“What?”
“He’s weak right?”
“How..”
“Google is a powerful tool my friend. But look, he has to sleep with the whore first and like he can get into school.”
“Sure?”
“Sure as pie. I’m not scared of anything…except maybe Wood.”
“Erections?”
“No. Oliver, I’ve missed all Figbitch training this month…first game tomorrow.”
“Yer screwed mate.”
“Not as much as Haggis…” he motioned to the sleeping body, currently being molested with what must have been a rogue ferret.