What We Used To Know

It hurt more than hell two days later when Addie had to watch Oliver break off into the sea of people going through security at the airport. Silent tears brewed in her eyes the entire ride to the airport, but she didn’t dare let them fall. She didn’t want Oliver to see how hard it really was for her to be doing this. She didn’t want to be driving him to the airport, so he could leave her, again. They had gotten too good now at saying goodbye, and it didn’t sting any less than the first time they had to leave each other.

For everything she had given him - and Addie had given Oliver everything - that still couldn’t stop him from leaving. Their lives were going in total opposite directions, pulling them apart from each other when they tried so hard to hold on. They wanted nothing more than to just be together, but the universe didn’t seem to want it if Oliver had to leave three days after he arrived, every time. And don’t think for a minute that it didn’t hurt him just as much as it hurt Addie.

He wanted to say that he’d never leave again, that nothing else mattered in the world. But he couldn’t. The band was his life, and unfortunately Addie came second to it now, even if she was the first person to steal his heart away like that in so long. Oliver liked to wonder what things would have been like if she stuck around. He wondered if she would have supported him when he joined the band, and if their best friendship would have changed due to how much of himself he put in the band. But then he tried not to think about it, and stop wondering what it would have been like if he never lost his best friend. Technically, he liked to think, he never lost her; Addie was only misplaced… for ten years.

***

It had been almost two months now since Addie and Oliver had seen each other. Two months since Addie gave up the last piece of herself to the person she was falling for. Two months she had hoped she made the right decision. Nearly seven months since she was still wondering if dating Oliver was the right thing to do.

Everything seemed to spiral out of control when Addie returned home to her empty apartment that was just going to be filled with only herself for the next long while. No one else would be able to make her apartment feel as full of life as Oliver was able to. He made her feel like they were meant to be together there, like they were some sort of family. Everything just seemed right when he was around, because Addie knew that he was there, looking after her when she needed him most.

But he was gone now. Oliver had been gone.

It was only Addie and the furniture, trying to scrape by, day by day, when she didn’t have the motivation to even get up and go to work. Addie used to love Johnson’s Records, looking forward to working every day and spending hours surrounded by music. At this point, she didn’t even see a point in getting out of bed. Her world was crumbling around her, and no one was there to fix it this time. She was completely alone in this adventure, trying to keep her composure while trying even harder not to let on to Oliver how bad things were getting.

If he knew how she felt, he’d jump off the band’s European tour and fly back to Springfield in an instant. They both knew it. He would do anything to be there for her when she needed him. But Addie couldn’t make him do it. She felt so guilty making him spend all his money on plane tickets just to come out and see her; she couldn’t even fathom how much his band mates would hate her if he left them mid-tour.

All she wanted was more time with him, but that was an impossible task when they both lived in separate countries an ocean away from each other. Addie knew that this wasn’t going to be able to work, unless that space between them got much, much smaller. This caused more thoughts that she probably shouldn’t have even let develop to race through her mind, and now she was secretly making another one of the biggest decisions of her life. Addie had realized a pattern when it came to these life-altering decisions: the decisions themselves seem to be made before she even realized it.

The only thing she could do now was pray that this would all work out.

Oliver’s birthday was coming up in less than two weeks, right when the boys had a break from all touring until after the new year. Addie had been planning to fly out there ever since he had been to Springfield, back during the end of August. It had been hard keeping it a secret this long that she was blowing her entire savings on a ticket there (and unfortunately, one back), but Addie wasn’t going to be able to keep it one much longer. Every time she talked to Oliver on the phone, she wanted to leak that she would be coming out to see him. She just wanted to see him, and be with him and - for the first time in two months - be okay.

Addie’s phone was buzzing next to her side as she sat on the couch, a book propped up in her hands while she read each line. A little look of shock was on her face when she saw that Oliver was calling. It was the first phone call she’d gotten from him in nearly a week, making her worry about what was going on with him.

Those fears and doubts of them being together were only strengthened when she didn’t get to talk to him regularly. But in the life of Oliver Sykes, nothing was regular - certainly not his seven month relationship with his girlfriend.

“Hello?” Addie answered, fully aware that Oliver was calling.

“Hey,” he breathed, sounding utterly exhausted. “How’re you?”

Addie paused before saying anything. “I’m good. Just reading a book, not up to much. What about you? Haven’t heard from you in a while… Are you okay?”

There really was genuine worry in her voice when she asked if Oliver was okay, and it almost pained him to hear that. She missed him, a lot more than Oliver thought. He could hear it in her voice that she just wanted to be with him again, and he hated himself for not being able to be around, like a good boyfriend was supposed to be. He wasn’t anything like how he should be, or treating Addie like how he should, but he was doing the best he could.

“Yeah, things have just been really crazy lately. I haven’t had a minute to myself nearly the whole damn time. I’m sorry for not calling, and not texting, and not being a good boyfriend,” he apologized, sounding like a sad dog who had done something wrong.

“Don’t you even say that,” Addie chimed, scolding Oliver for even thinking like that. “Don’t even think like that. You’re a great boyfriend, Oliver. Certainly much more than I deserve, and I shouldn’t expect you to call all the time when you’re off seeing the world.”

You should be enjoying yourself with the sights you only get to see so many times in a lifetime. Me, I’ll always be here. Don’t bother with me. That’s what Addie wanted to tell Oliver. She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t worth everything he put himself through over her. She would always be there, and the rest of the world would always be changing. Or was it really the other way around, and Addie was just severely confused?

“So how have you been doing?” Oliver asked carefully; he knew this wasn’t what he should be asking if he wasn’t going to expect an answer he didn’t want to hear. It was quiet for a while before Addie said anything again, making him regret asking the question.

“I’ve been okay,” Addie said, not saying any more, or any less. It was just enough to get her by, even though both her and Oliver could see right three those three words. They meant nothing.

But Oliver didn’t push it. He didn’t want to hear how she really felt - he didn’t want to hear her say it, although it wasn’t that much of a guess as to how things are going.

“Tour ends this week, y’know,” Oliver said quietly after a few seconds of silence. Something about this phone call didn’t feel quite right, and he prayed it wasn’t because Addie was mad at him for not calling for so long.

“I know,” Addie said, sounding instantly much happier, now remembering her plan to fly out to Sheffield. It would be her first time back since she was only thirteen, and she was more than nervous about going out there to see him.

“And…” Oliver prompted, not saying anything more.

“And your birthday is coming up,” Addie said, without missing a beat. She had been looking forward to this day probably more than Oliver himself. This was her chance to be the good girlfriend and make up for all the times Oliver had flown out to Springfield, by taking a plane to Sheffield. She wanted to do something great for him, and being there for him on his birthday was one of the best presents she could think of. “And…”

“And what else?” Oliver asked, chuckling, not knowing where Addie was going now. What else was there?

“And I’m praying you don’t have plans to be out of England on your birthday.”

“And why would that be?” he posed, thinking that he knew where this was going, wearing a devilish grin on his face that soon turned to one of sheer happiness.

“Because I’m flying into Manchester airport the night before your birthday,” she said in a tiny voice, her secret spilled, and the surprise spoiled.

Oliver’s grin grew even more, stretching from ear to ear. He was more than excited that on his twenty-fourth birthday, the best present he could have ever received was going to be there for him.

“It was supposed to be a surprise, but I guess I couldn’t hold it in much longer,” Addie said, pushing the words out as they slurred together.

They had to say their goodbyes much sooner than they would have liked, due to Oliver having to do soundcheck any minute now, and he was hiding out in a corner, trying to go unnoticed while on the phone. It was depressing that they only had minutes of time to talk to each other, but it was better than nothing, Addie told herself - and that was what pushed her to stop thinking so often whether or not the past seven months with Oliver had been worth it. She wanted so much more, she needed so much more. And she hoped and prayed that everything would work out when she flew out for Oliver’s birthday.

***

“Happy birthday!” everyone shouted together at once, party streamers seeming to appear from nowhere and clouded the air. People were crowded together around the giant table, Oliver at the head of it with a large cake sitting in front of him with twenty-four smoking candles on it. Addie was sitting right next to him, enjoying the way he smiled when he blew out all the candles, making his wish. She wanted to know what was going through his mind at that exact moment, because his eyes seemed to hold so much behind them.

“Happy birthday, Oliver,” Addie whispered, giving him a peck on the cheek before leaning back in her seat so that the view of the birthday boy wasn’t obstructed. So many people were there tonight at the restaurant, the back room in which the reservation had been made completely filled with people. They were jam-packed in, and Addie was sure some laws of maximum capacity were being broken.

It was strange for her to hear all of the accents filling her ears, when they had once been her own, only years ago. Everything seemed so foreign when everyone spoke their words laced with the fast Yorkshire accent, but it was all so familiar when she had lived through it for thirteen years.

All of the unfamiliar people intimidated Addie, making her feel self-conscious and alone, even though she was surrounded by so many of them. Oliver was at her side, but when she had to share him, she felt like the odd one out, not knowing anyone else. She was just ‘the lass from America, Oliver’s girlfriend.’ Not too many people tried talking to her, and Addie didn’t attempt any conversation with others, as well. She was perfectly happy trying not to run away to a quiet corner of the restaurant, focusing on how happy Oliver was, and that she was there for him.

At least the party was going to be over at midnight, and then she could return to Oliver’s flat with him and be in the safety of silence for the rest of the night. She still had one more thing to discuss with him, though. Just thinking about how to bring it up made her start shaking, the biggest decision of her life just ahead of her. And it was all up to Oliver now to decide if this was going to be best.

“I don’t think your friends like me,” Addie muttered as they shuffled into Oliver’s flat, flipping on the lights and taking in the sights of it again. She had only spent last night here, so it all seemed so unfamiliar still as she learned every room. Addie wondered if this was how Oliver felt when he came to stay with her.

“Of course they like you,” he replied, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up in the closet, right next to Addie’s. His shoes were next, the scuffy Vans looking right tattered when compared to Addie’s smooth Converse. “They just don’t know you yet. I mean, you only met them all tonight, love.”

“I guess that’s true,” she said absent mindedly, sitting down at the island in the kitchen and propping her elbows up on the smooth counter.

“They’ll all love you, I promise,” he said, scooting up next to her and placing a kiss on her head before tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.

They were quiet, just looking at each other for a few moments before Addie tried to summon the courage to propose her idea. Her mouth suddenly went dry, and the words she mentally rehearsed flew out of her head like a fan had hit them on high force.

“Can you believe we’ve been dating for seven months?” Addie said in a small voice, looking down at the patterns in the countertop. “I can’t,” she said inaudibly.

Oliver only smiled, his hands moving over Addie’s, and securely weaving his fingers through hers. It was a small gesture, but somehow he knew Addie was upset about something. And somehow, this little gesture made everything all right for Addie.

“And can you believe we’ve been talking since January? Been gone from my life for over ten years, and now you’ve been back for almost a year. It’s all been crazy, really. But I don’t think I would have done this year any different. The turnout has been amazing so far.”

Addie smiled, not being able to find words to reply to his statement, instead letting the peck on the lips she gave him say it all. Her nonverbal communication skills with Oliver were the one thing she relied on when words failed her, which was more times than not.

“H-have you ever, have you ever… doubted us?” Addie asked, stuttering over her words as she shoved them out, the words getting tangled into each other as she tried to keep them separate.

Oliver wasn’t sure how to answer it. Should he be truthful and say he has? That the times they were apart for so long made him question whether it was worth it? That there were more nights than not he depended on some sort of substance just to forget about it all? That on too many occasions, he realized he was far too attached, and that nipping it in the bud would have been less painful than falling in love with Addie?

They just looked at each other, Oliver having to resist asking the same question back to his girlfriend. Their eyes said it all, though. Both of them had doubted their own relationship more times than they could count, and they both knew it now, without even having to say it. All Addie wanted to do was stop having these doubts. She wanted to be sure that what she was doing was right, that she wasn’t wasting her time and only setting herself up for painful failure.

The original question she set out to ask was now on the tip of her tongue, begging to be let out into the open air.

“What would you think… about me, coming back here?” Addie asked, dragging the words out slowly, trying to judge Oliver’s reaction before she even finished her sentence.

“Coming back here?”

“For good. Coming back here, for good,” she said, nervously finishing what she had been wanting to ask for so long. Was it a bad idea for her to be wanting to move back to where she started?