What We Used To Know

It was New Year’s Eve, roughly five in the evening, and Oliver and Addie were lounging around the flat to kill time before they headed off to the party they had been invited to. Addie was reading one of the books Carol had given her for Christmas, instantly getting sucked into it after turning the first page. She was sure to ask Carol for more recommendations, since she seemed to have a good taste in literature. Oliver, of course, was reading a different type of novel. Namely, a comic book. It was one of the ones Addie picked up for him, the same one he had been itching to find for months, but was never able to.

He looked at all the bright colors and read the speech bubbles coming from the characters’ mouths, in his own little world of crime fighting and Benday dots.

Addie’s eyes were tired from all the reading now though, and she let the book flop down onto the floor she was laying on. Her knees were bent, extending into the air as she laid on the smooth rug that covered the cold hardwood floors. Oliver was laying next to her, examining the comic book with a silly expression as Addie watched him.

“What’s your deepest, darkest secret?” Addie asked out of the blue, her voice penetrating the still air and catching Oli off guard as he laid still on the floor, his eyes scanning over the colorful page of the comic book.

“What?” Oli let the comic flop down on to his chest, turning his head to look at Addie. She was staring straight up at the ceiling, her hair in a disarray around her head, spreading out on the floor.

“I asked what your biggest secret is,” she repeated, looking over towards him. There was a serious look in her eyes, no intent of being rude in there, either. She was genuinely curious, feeling compelled to ask as she grew bored and wanted to talk.

“Why do you wanna know?” He posed a second question, suddenly curious why Addie was so suddenly curious. Of course, he learned to always expect the unexpected when it came to Addie. She was probably capable of doing anything, despite how fragile she seemed.

“I’m just curious. That’s all,” she said, her voice sounding so innocent, like she wasn’t asking to know the things that her boyfriend had never shared with anyone. Oli didn’t like spilling his darkest secrets - or any of his secrets for that matter - to anyone at all. Most people didn’t know about all of the things he harbored, and he was fine with that. They didn’t need to know. Should he really tell Addie some of those things? He kept those secrets to protect her. He learned when he was young - the first time he lost Addie - that you keep secrets to keep people from worrying. He never told anyone how he felt, because he knew they would only fret over how he felt; thus he tucked those feelings away, never to be shared.

He decided on telling her the half-truth about his deepest, darkest secret. It was all true, but he was just leaving part of it out. “Alright. You really wanna know then?”

She nodded, eager to see what he would say.

“I have a fear.” Lame. The secret felt dry, not like what Addie had expected. He was leaving parts out. That wasn’t fair.

“Well then what’s your biggest fear?” she asked, pressing on. Addie herself didn’t even know why she was so information hungry all of a sudden, but she just wanted to know for some reason. It felt like she never got any time to really get to talk to Oli about stuff like this. They always shied away from talking about anything too serious, because in all honesty, neither of them could handle it. They didn’t talk about their secrets, or their fears, or emotions or feelings. It just wasn’t what they did. They avoided those topics at all costs, just trying to skate by with the fact of solely being with each other to comfort them.

Oliver couldn’t speak his biggest fear aloud, not when his biggest fear was slowly becoming his reality. He knew it was happening over these past months that he’d been with Addie. He knew it Christmas day. Any time he saw her, or heard her - everything she did, just drove him wild. My biggest fear, Oliver thought to himself, thinking while he stared directly into Addie’s eyes. There was no way he could say this aloud. Falling in love.

“Death.” He said it simply, the single word staining his tongue after it left his mouth. It might not have been his ultimate biggest fear, but it was up there, right up there with falling in love. “I love life too much to die.”

Addie nodded, sucking on her lip while she studied Oliver’s face, making him feel uncomfortable. “I thought you always said you’d rather live than live forever?”

She smiled, laughing a little. Oliver loved the way her eyes crinkled while she laughed and smiled, watching her with a face that probably gave it all away.

“Well, I mean, yeah. But who really wants to die?” But who really wants to die when they’ve realized that they might actually be in love with someone? Oliver thought in his head, not bothering to add that part to his statement. Addie didn’t need to hear this, not just yet. He was scared to die now, in all honesty. He wasn’t ready to leave the earth now, and he wasn’t going to be, as long as he was with Addie. How could he have not feared dying when he had just found someone he had been missing for the greater part of his life?
“You have a good point…” Addie said slowly, trailing off as she looked back up at the ceiling, thinking.

“What’s your biggest fear?” Oliver asked, turning his head to look at her, staring at her profile and noticing the way the corners of her lips barely twitched when she registered the words.

“My biggest fear? I don’t know…” Oh, but there was a whole list.

Getting too close to someone too fast.

Falling wildly in love without being able to control your emotions.

Losing more than I already have lost before.

Two out three have already happened though.

“My biggest fear is having to leave again. I don’t want to leave you again,” Addie admitted. This was a fear. It was a big fear. She didn’t want to be without Oliver ever again. She’d grown too used to the feeling of him now to give it up for anything. Addie would fight tooth and nail should she have to leave Oliver. “Whether it be if I died, or had to go back home and never see you again.”

Oliver took in a deep breath, letting her words float around in his head. More strings of attachment to Addie formed in those few seconds while he looked at her, knowing that he wanted Addie to be the only person he’d ever be with again. He didn’t want to love anyone else, ever again.

***

The party was being held at Matt Kean’s house, people crowding into it at every angle and opening it seemed.

Addie was nervous about making her appearance there, not exactly wanting to be surrounded by a myriad of drunken strangers while following Oliver around. But sitting at home alone while Oliver was out here having the time of his life and ringing in the new year made her think twice about spending night by herself. Addie knew Oliver would have stayed home if she asked him to, if she had the guts to tell him she wasn’t comfortable here tonight. He would have driven them right back to the flat.

But she didn’t. She wanted to see how happy Oliver got when he was with his friends, just to see that smile of his. Just to hear him laugh. Addie would put up with it for the next few hours if it meant he would be happy. She’d been restricting him from his friends long enough, and she was going to have to get used to being without him in just a few short days.

They walked in the door, and already the smell of alcohol overwhelmed Addie. To Oliver, it smelled better than anything. He hadn’t had a drink in so long. He craved the taste, the way it felt going down his throat, and most of all, how he felt afterwards. It had been so long since he last got the feeling that alcohol brought. It made him feel like everything was just fine, because that was the exact feeling he needed when he was without Addie. He needed the alcohol to help him out with his problems, if only for a few hours.

And the withdrawal he’d been going through since Addie arrived had been killing him. But he hid it, because no one knew of his little problem. This was just one of the secrets he’d been keeping ever since he met Addie. Ever since he met her, nothing was okay unless he was with her. But everything was okay when he was drunk. The only sad fact was that he used to being without her ninety-eight percent of the time. Does that spell it out now?

Oliver promised himself he wouldn’t drink tonight. He told himself he would stop when Addie got here, because that meant everything was going to be okay, and he didn’t need anything besides Addie to make him feel great. Wrong. It was hard; he wanted to give in and get wasted, but thinking about Addie gave him a mental slap in the head, reminding him that he had something important to tell her tonight. And there was no other way to tell her than when he was utterly sober.

He greeted people as they walked through the house, trying to find his band mates. Addie was clinging to his hand, reminding Oliver that he was her lifeline. He was everything to her, and he wasn’t going to give that up tonight just for a red cup filled with something delicious. Oliver gave her hand a squeeze, keeping her close as they navigated through all the people, getting stopped repeatedly because of someone saying hello to Oliver. He was happy that he got to see all these people who he hadn’t seen since his birthday, trying to catch up with them in as few words as possible, not wanting to make Addie stand there, watching the conversation.

They made it to the kitchen, finding both of the Matt’s standing there with red cups in hand, and stupid little inebriated smiles adorning their faces. It was only half an hour to midnight now and they were nearly smashed. Addie thought it was a miracle that they could even recognize Oliver at all, let alone start talking to him.

And as if the now-foreign accents didn’t make it hard enough for Addie to understand what they were saying, the slurring made it all the worse. She didn’t even bother trying to listen in on what the boys were talking about, but she clearly understood when Oliver was loudly objecting to the cups being thrust in his hands. He wouldn’t give his friends a reason why he was doing this, just trying to mutter about ‘important things’ that would be happening later tonight.

This made Addie’s ears perk up, wondering what he was talking about. But she soon forgot about it once she felt alone again, seeing the sea of people surrounding her, just looking right over her. They all seemed to like her at the New Year’s Eve party, but suddenly she felt estranged from all the faces she seemed to recognize from a few weeks ago. They didn’t notice her though, only intent on finding more beer, and someone to make out with when the ball dropped.

Oliver excused himself from the Matt’s, looking over at Addie, who was studying her surroundings with a worried yet oddly adorable expression on her face. “Look, let’s go outside. Not as many people out there, and I doubt it smells as bad.”

Addie chuckled, thinking that Oliver somehow read her mind right then, but she didn’t completely think he was incapable of always seeming to know exactly what she wanted.

It was cold outside, snow on the ground, and a frosty wind swirling through the air. Addie and Oliver left their coats in his car, thinking they would have been inside for the greater part of the night. She shivered while they walked into the garden, wishing that she brought her coat now.

Her leg felt stiff though as they treaded over the snow, and a sharp pang of pain hit her. She almost toppled over like she had on Christmas when leaving Oliver’s parents’ house, but she caught herself. The pain was unbearable, making her want to cry out as Oliver grabbed her by the waist to steady her, worry instantly overtaking him.

Addie felt as if someone attacked her knee with a baseball bat, attempting to stand straight on her leg, barely succeeding.

“What’s wrong?” Oliver instantly questioned, worry and intent held in his eyes as they darkened.

“I - I don’t know… I’m fine, really. My knee was just acting up,” Addie quickly covered, trying to blink away the tears in her eyes while testing out her knee. It wouldn’t bend, and felt stiff as a board. It had been like this for the past few weeks, feeling stiff and sore at random intervals. But she brushed it off, thinking it was nothing, until she fell over on Christmas night. Having it happen again was just another red flag that she should be doing something.

But Addie being Addie, wrote it off to deal with in another lifetime.

Oliver gave her that knowing look, letting her know with his eyes that he knew this was a lot more than nothing. He was worried. This was the second time she had nearly fallen over due to something. He needed Addie to be happy and healthy, because something was wrong now, and it was more than obvious. But he didn’t push it, because this would just lead to them arguing and getting nowhere, and distracting him from the plan that was set to be put into action in less than a minute now.

“Ball’s about to drop,” Addie said quietly, leaning against the side of the house, listening to the cheers and chants of the people inside.

Oliver started whispering along with the countdown, moving inch by inch closer to Addie with every second. “Three, two, one.”

Everyone was heard screaming and cheering to the new year. Oliver’s lips were on Addie’s, their lips chilled from being outside in the cold, but everything was warm again when their lips met. It was a slow kiss, gentle, with some sort of extra feeling behind it that Addie had never felt before. This kiss was different.

They broke apart from each other, not saying a word as they looked into the other’s eyes. Addie knew Oliver was about to say something, but she couldn’t have prepared herself for what he was going to say.

“I love you, Addie. I love you.”