What We Used To Know

Addie felt the bed shift, Oliver’s side of the bed becoming considerably lighter as she rolled over, squeezing her eyes shut even tighter.

She wasn’t supposed to wake up.

She didn’t want to open her eyes and confirm that it was 5:30 in the morning, meaning Oliver was supposed to be getting up now, rolling his already packed bags downstairs to the car park, and leaving for three weeks. Addie was supposed to stay asleep while Oliver dragged himself out of bed, getting ready in front of it so he could watch Addie for as long as possible before he had to drag himself downstairs to the van and head off to the airport.

Neither of them wanted this.

Just two days ago Oliver admitted that he had fallen in love with Addie, and she said it back. Then he had to go. What did this say about their relationship? Any time something great happens, Oliver has to go? That pretty much hit the nail on the head, because that’s what had happened every single time something good happened between them. They may have been more than anxious to break the cycle and just be together, but that wouldn’t be happening any time soon so long as Oliver was a member of Bring Me The Horizon.

It was a blessing and a curse.

Addie laid there, listening to the noises of Oliver pulling on his jeans and shirt before scuffing into the entryway to put his shoes on. She hoped he didn’t know she was awake. Addie knew he was upset, too. It’d only make things harder if he knew she was conscious when he left.

He was quiet, trying to make as little noise as possible so that Addie wouldn’t be disturbed, even if he knew she was awake and trying to hide it.

Before he left, Oliver treaded back into their bedroom over to Addie’s side of the bed. Her face was smashed into the pillow, as she tried to block out what was actually happening; that by the next time she opened her eyes Oliver would be gone. Oliver bent down though, his lips only inches away from Addie. He wanted to give her a goodbye kiss, anything, but he couldn’t.

“I’m going to miss you. And I love you.” What he said was simple, but those words were ringing in Addie’s ears so loud that she couldn’t even hear him leaving the room. Those would be the words getting her through the nights she didn’t get to talk to him. They would keep her company when she had no one else.

Three hours later she rolled out of bed, after getting maybe another half our of sleep during that time. Endless tears had been leaking out of her eyes since she heard the door close, and Oliver’s footsteps were no longer heard wandering about the flat. She was alone now, and it hurt like hell.

She tried to tell herself to stop being a wuss and suck it up, because it was only three weeks. They’d gone far longer than that without seeing each other, and things had been fine. She missed him then, but she got over it. But it was different now, because they were officially “in love.”

This is why Addie didn’t fall in love. It hurt too much, and made things complicated.

Addie at least had something to keep her mind occupied for the day, seeing as her first day of working at Reynolds’ Records was today. Oliver was friends with the owner, calling him a few days before he left to make sure Addie could start working there. He didn’t like the idea of Addie working, but he knew it’d be good for her. She needed something to do when he was away, because there was nothing for her here besides him.

It was a sad fact, but they both knew it was more than true.

Getting out of bed and into the shower was one deal. Getting from the shower to work was another.

It was hard enough already to have him gone, and it had only been hours. The day wasn’t even half over yet, and Addie just wanted to crawl back to the flat and lay in Oliver’s side of the bed to smell what was left of him. This was another reason she feared getting so attached to anyone, or anything; when she loved something, she loved it with her entire being, to the point where she could wear it out. She was obsessive and passionate, sometimes too much so. And it didn’t help her any when she was alone.

She couldn’t even begin to fathom what it would be like when Oliver started off on tours that lasted months on end. CD cases slipped from her hands when she thought of that, her job of alphabetizing the CDs so familiar and easy. They laid strewn out on the floor now, waiting to be picked up and put in their place.

Addie thought of how when Oliver was away, it really wouldn’t be too different from when she lived in Springfield. It was the same. Oliver was gone, and Addie was stuck surviving at home trying to pass the time. Oliver was only in Europe; he was so much closer this time. When Addie lived in Springfield, he was usually half way around the world. She was fine then, she could make it through this. But that was when Addie had a life, and things to keep her busy. Oliver was her life now.

Alphabetizing the CD cases really was not that big of a task, Addie had been doing it for years, and the alphabet was no stranger, so as she felt the eyes burning into the back of her head, she was almost angered. Why was that clerk just staring at her, watching to see if she accidentally placed one CD in the wrong spot? Was he watching to see which wrong move she would make first? This all made her tense up, to know she couldn’t be trusted to do something so simple without being watched. Addie reflected on how she had never been able to do anything up to par with everyone else’s standards.

But for once, she was only being watched because they knew she couldn’t be trusted on her own.

Oliver was expecting a call from the record store, alerting him that Addie had thrown a fit or started crying. He dreaded it. He knew it would happen someday, and probably during the first time he was away. All he could think about was how alone he had left her, how she had no one else in Sheffield besides him, and now all of the CDs at Reynolds’ Records. But if Addie was happy with not having any friends, then he would be happy - or as happy as he could be when he knew she’d be miserable without him.

And thinking about how miserable she was, only made Oliver miss her more, dragging his high touring-spirits down hour by hour. That need for the bottle was intensifying. No one would notice if he downed that bottle of Jack Daniel’s at only… four in the afternoon, right?

He prayed they wouldn’t, because it had already happened. When Oliver missed Addie on tour, and his craving and dependence on the “mood booster” made an appearance, there was no such thing as drinking too early. The only good thing about how this happened on tour, was that hardly anyone did notice. Everyone was either too drunk or too high to notice, thus his relief plan worked every time. No one suspected anything, but Oliver knew what was happening to him. How was he supposed to be happy and remotely healthy when he was away from Addie if he did nothing but drink the entire time? It wasn’t possible.

And when he started craving it when he was with her, that’s when he knew he had a problem. But he wasn’t going to address this. This secret was just going to be swept under the carpet, like all the others before it. Addie couldn’t know of this. How was she supposed to survive in the first place without him, let alone when she knew Oliver had to resort to drinking just to deal?

That’s why this secret wouldn’t be getting out.

***

Addie came home from working a little after six, feeling exhausted from being awoken at five-thirty, mixing with her emotions to create a deadly combination. Immediately she started cleaning the flat that hardly ever got dirty anyways. She picked up every room, making sure each and every item was organized into its proper place, dusting around every surface and making sure to get every inch. This place was going to be spotless by the time she was done. And the only reason she tired herself out by giving every room a going over was to kill the time.

Cleaning took her mind off of everything, and so she would clean for the next three weeks straight if it meant she didn’t have to think about how alone she was without Oliver. Her fingertips burned and her back ached.

Most of all, her knee was aching again. Her walk was reduced to a half-ass limp as she walked from the bedroom to the kitchen to wipe down the countertops again. But her knee wouldn’t allow her to get that far, sending a wave of pure pain through her entire body and back while she crashed to the hardwood floors, her skin slapping the hard surface as she clutched her knee.

Tears were pouring out of her eyes. Physical and mental exhaustion were creeping through her body now, tearing her apart as her knee fueled these tears. Everything was coming out at once now, just a mixture of raw emotions pouring from her eyes and being shrilly emitted from her mouth.

She shook with sobs and cried too many tears that matted her hair to her face. Finally, Addie was willing to admit something was wrong. This pain was not nothing, and there was no way she could go on hiding this. It wasn’t going away. She wanted to stop lying to Oliver when she slipped because of it, telling him she was fine so that he wouldn’t make her go to the doctor.

Well, now that he was gone, it was a good a time as ever. At least it was something to do.

The next day she scheduled a doctor’s appointment before she had to go in for work, getting up and extra hour and a half early to make it there in time. Addie hated getting up early, especially when Oliver’s side of the bed was so cold. She tried to sleep on it, but it didn’t feel right. It belonged to him and only him, so she would have to deal with looking at his unused pillow.

The doctor’s office was cold, making Addie pull her heavy winter jacket on while she was still indoors. It was snowing outside, and the melted snow managed to run down onto her hands as she slipped into the sleeves, waiting for her name to be called so she could get her examination over with. She just wanted to hear that maybe she needed a knee brace, and everything would be fine.

But she had a feeling that wouldn’t be happening, for she had never had knee troubles. Nothing had ever bothered her until Christmas. Before that, it was fine. What in the world could be wrong now?

After waiting for half an hour, her name was finally called, and she was taken back to the exam room. Addie felt self conscious suddenly while she sat on the table, all by herself and not knowing what was wrong with her. Well, who wouldn’t be freaking out when they have a mystery pain going on in their knee for weeks now. Addie wanted answers.

When the doctor came in, she smiled at Addie and asked her about the reason for the visit. Addie went on to explaining about the pain in her knee, making her fall over on a few occasions, the way it tensed up and felt swollen about every other day. This was certainly not normal, and the doctor was obviously quick to identify that; but then again, it wasn’t hard for anyone to realize that this wouldn’t have been normal.

“We’ll run some tests and take a few samples and x-rays. Maybe you sprained it somehow, but it would not be likely to still be giving you pain.”

Addie tensed, not being able to get her simple answer and get out of there. Instead, she had to take dozens of x-rays, as well as a blood sample, and some sort of extremely painful tissue sample directly from her knee. Going to work after this was not going to be fun, and having it only be her second day on the job, she had to be fine. But this wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine.

Oliver was gone and Addie’s knee was killing her.