What We Used To Know

They were wrapped up in each other, laying on Addie’s bed. Her eyes were closed and still leaking continuous tears from the day before. Oliver kept his eyes on the ceiling, determined to try and be strong. But it was hard to do when everything decided to crash down around him at the same time.

A stray tear found its way down his face, tracing down his cheek to meet his chin where it hung there. More followed soon as he decided to give up and give in to his emotions. This was a natural reaction to learning the woman he loved, and had decided to want to spend the rest of his life with, could possibly die because of the cancer that had just been discovered. Yes, a perfectly normal reaction to the cause that was so not normal, so unforeseen.

Addie hadn’t been able to do anything but lean on Oliver since she arrived home yesterday. She didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to go outside for anymore fresh air. The only thing she wanted was more time. She wanted more time with Oliver, more time with her mother, more time to get the life she never started. It was always waiting. Everything was always waiting to happen, for she had never made anything happen. Convinced that things would fall into place, now she was left with an empty feeling as she realized the only thing that had fallen into place for her was Oliver, and she would be falling out of his life soon.

She was having extreme difficulty registering how drastically her life had been changed with this news. Addie didn’t want to accept it. She wanted to pretend that she never knew. But it wouldn’t make a difference once she died. It would still be from the same cause, and she figured at least it was best to know now instead of leaving Oliver unexpectedly someday.

She’s still be leaving anyways.

Addie was terrified of for once being the one to leave Oliver alone. If this got the best of her, he would be alone. Addie would be the one who had left him, while he had to keep going without her and accept that she was gone. The only difference this time was that Addie wouldn’t be coming back, just like Oliver had every time he left.

Her biggest fear of being taken away too soon was surely to become a reality someday, but what fear of hers hasn’t become a reality at this point?

Oliver was stroking her hair, looking at her with eyes that could never stop loving her. He felt that same feeling of his stomach threatening a mutiny against him due to how much he loved her. It was the same feeling he got every time he looked at her. It was love in the rawest form, the ache to be with someone so bad that surrounding himself with her was never enough.

His eyes flickered around the room, like they had been doing during the hours they had spent together on this bed now. He looked at all of the photographs he had already memorized, counting the bracelets and necklaces that hung on a rack, twenty-three. Oliver did anything he could to keep his mind together, to keep himself feeling like everything was ordinary again and that life would continue like it always had.

“I wish you would have called me, wrote me, anythin’ when you moved away,” he said, his voice cluttered from not speaking in hours. No, this was probably not the best thing to begin speaking about this, when they hadn’t said a word since last night. But he wanted to reminisce on the past with Addie while she was still here. He wanted to talk about those years they never mentioned. It’s where it all started with her, and he wanted to look back on those years with joy.

“I know,” she said back, her voice raw from tears and mucus. “I was so hurt. So scared and traumatized that I couldn’t even think about that place anymore. I moved on the minute I boarded the plane, because I knew it would be the easiest thing to do.”

“You forgot about me.” Oliver’s voice was small. Yes, he was hurt that she moved on from him, forgetting him and having a new life that he didn’t get to be a part of.

“You eventually did the same, didn’t you?” she posed. They didn’t recognize each other at the concert, so sometime between there Oliver must have covered up those memories, too, right?

“What would make you think that?” He was defensive now, confused and almost angry that Addie would think he even dared to ever forget about her. Never did he stop thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, or even where she was. Addie was a permanent fixture in his mind during the years he was without her, making him regret that she hadn’t been in his mind so much as she should have when he was on tour in January.

“You had to have let me slip at sometime, Oliver. I mean, how long did it take for us to realize who the other was when we met… again.”

They both were a little too fueled by their emotions to be getting into a conversation like this, and now they were both frustrated and remembering the pain they went through, all over again. Now was not the best time for this, but their timing had always been off, anyways.

“Don’t you even think you ever left my mind,” he said, almost scolding her as he tilted her chin to look into her eyes. His own eyes said he was telling nothing but the truth. “I mean, sure, I started letting you go once I got older, and realized that I probably wouldn’t be seeing you again. That’s just part of losing someone. You were always on my mind, somewhere, I promise.”

All of this was just a little too sweet for Addie, who was already on high stakes with her emotions at the moment. Tears were leaking from the corners of her eyes because of the ways Oliver had with his words.

“I could never stop loving you,” Addie whispered, tucking her head under Oliver’s chin and resting there. She kissed his neck, wishing she had the chance to admit this before Oliver left that January morning. Maybe then he would have thought of her more, knowing that no matter what he did, she would always love him. And that was only proved when he came home from Japan and she couldn’t even get mad at him. That was love. Forgiveness.

“And you have no idea how lucky I am to have a girl like you to say that to me,” he said back, kissing the top of her head before saying something more. “And I want you to know I’ll always love you, too. No matter what. No matter where you are, or what you’re going through, or if you want to love someone else. I’ll keep loving you. Always.”

This of course caused more tears to fall, but they were only due to how in love Addie was with Oliver. She couldn’t even find words to describe how happy she was, just to be with him right now. Suddenly spending the rest of her life with him couldn’t even feel like enough, especially if the rest of her life was going to be coming faster than she ever imagined.

Addie had a question she had been burning to ask though, and now was probably not a good time to ask it, but as long as they were on the topic of talking about things they shouldn’t, she was going to go through with it. “What was wrong with you on tour?”

Oliver sighed. It was heavy, drawing in breath for a question he had not enough words--nor courage--to answer. It wasn’t possible to face this one. He couldn’t tell Addie this. Not now, and not ever. He knew she wouldn’t be mad at him for this, she wouldn’t stop loving him because of this; she’d want to find him help to make him better. But he knew she couldn’t know about this.

“More than I have words to say,” he said, exhaling, not liking the way it felt not to tell her the truth about it.

“Why can’t you just tell me?” she asked quietly, her voice sounding hurt and so fragile. She knew he wasn’t telling her the truth, it was obvious from the lack of words this time. Addie knew that more went on, things he could probably easily describe, just so she could know what he went through.

“Look, a lot went on. And love, that’s the truth,” he lied, trying to protect her from something he thought she shouldn’t know. Oliver thought that it would be best if Addie didn’t know, especially now when daily life was put into greater perspective. His problem wasn’t that big of a deal right now, compared to what they were dealing with at the moment.

Addie didn’t respond, knowing that it would have been a pointless argument. She flinched when the weight on the bed shifted though. Coco was suddenly on the bed with them, inching closer towards the pair. She--as Oliver had decided Coco was not fit for a man-cat’s name, Coco was determined a “she”-- gently eased onto Addie’s lap, sitting there and beginning to purr as Addie reached her hand out to stroke her.

Oliver watched the love that Addie had for their newly adopted member of the house. The tension that had risen between them during the last conversation melted as Coco purred and looked towards Oliver for some attention.

He ignored her for a moment, looking away while the cat he was jealous of still managed to get more attention from Addie than he did.

“Alright,” he said with a guilty smile, his eyes lighting up as he petted the cat with Addie. In just two days of being with them, that cat was able to keep them in better spirits as they shared the joy of taking care of something together. It felt right to Oliver, finding joy in seeing Addie so happy with something else of her own.

He wondered if this would be what raising children with Addie would be like. All he could see were endless smiles when he thought of actually taking care of something that was genetically his. And of course if Addie was the mother, there couldn’t be any more perfect child in the world than theirs.

But that was another story, for another lifetime.

“Have you thought about visiting your mum at all?” he said softly, his eyes flickering towards Addie’s, who was fixated on Coco.

She didn’t say anything for a moment, just looking at Coco with adoration and a smile on her face. “I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it, Oliver,” she admitted truthfully with a tone much too light for how she felt. She tried to feel positive as she petted her cat, focusing on how good it felt to give her attention. “I came all this way to be with her, and this is as close as I feel comfortable getting to her. I don’t think I can do it.”

He didn’t say anything back, just absentmindedly stroking the cat as his hand brushed Addie’s. He held onto it though, not letting her move her hand out of his.

“I’ll go with you, if you want,” he said softly, still holding her hand while she refused to look at him. Oliver wanted Addie to go see her mother, to speak to her, even if she wouldn’t be able to hear her. He knew Addie wanted to see her, she was just afraid. Just afraid that it could be the last time she saw her mother, or the last time her mother would be with her daughter. They were both at risk now.

“Oliver, please,” Addie said, her voice a little strained while she tried to sound like she wasn’t getting mad. She just kept her attention on the cat, the cat that Oliver was still jealous of. “I don’t want to talk about this.”