Get Gone

I’d been here for a total of two months now, and it was no less driving me crazy today than it had the day I arrived. It was boring around here, making me feel like I was just some lifeless blob sitting on the couch day after day. There was nothing to do, and my novel was starting to lose steam at this point. I felt no inspiration. I lost Alex, thus I lost inspiration. But I had written the last book, and started this one, just fine without him. So I had no idea what my problem was as I struggled to type out one measly page after another in hopes of coming close to finishing the last chapter.

I was on the very last chapter, and I couldn’t get past it.

I wasn’t mad at Alex anymore, so it was hard to be writing a book based off of how he was never there for me, when I didn’t have any steam inside of me for fuel. I held no vengeance towards him anymore. I would accept him back in a heartbeat now that I’d figured some things out. I chugged on through the words though, trying to complete this so that I could be done with it and free of trying to write it without being reminded of Alex, which was of course impossible.

It was hard for me to write about him not being there, when he had proved that he was capable of being there this time. Alex showed me that he was going to be there for me, and unfortunately, it was more than clear that there was never going to be a next time for him to care for me. We were no longer in contact, and the time in the parking lot was really the last time I would ever see him. His number lingered in my phone though, begging to be dialed and for me to apologize for lying to his face, and lying to myself. No, I wouldn’t be seeing him around, and there wasn’t going to be a next time.

Well, I told myself there would be no next time when I boarded that plane, and at the time, I’d hoped it would stand strong. But it didn’t, and I wasn’t really so sure if I ever expected that promise to myself to last. I got what I wanted when I said there would never be a next time. In fact, I got it twice. Too bad I only wanted it the first time.

I wanted another chance with Alex, but I shot that to hell a little over a month ago.

It was only painful the second time I got my promise of never dealing with Alex again.

All of this made me think back to my first days of living in Florida, when the effects of me leaving for good had sunk into Alex. I wondered how it made him feel when I left him. I wondered if it felt something like how I felt now. It made me suddenly curious, to know what he went through when I shamelessly abandoned my life here for a shiny new one in Florida. Did he hurt like I hurt now? Did he wish he could have done something different, just like I was now? Did he need me so bad it brought him to tears, like I need him?

I had to get out. I had to clear my head. I figured it was time to make another one of my inconsistent visits to the hospital while my mother was napping again today. I only went if no one else was going to be there visiting him. I wouldn’t be able to stand someone else there looking at him as we watched him deteriorate before our very eyes. Seeing him only upset me every time, but I would happily take seeing him again even if it meant I’d be sobbing on the way home.

I hoped he would be awake today. But at the same time I prayed he would be sleeping and getting stronger so he could beat this. We all knew he wasn’t going to. He hadn’t been awake a single time anyone had gone now, except for mom, because she practically lived at the hospital now. I wanted to get a chance to tell him goodbye, and that I had actually came and visited him when he was sleeping. I wanted him to hear me and register it when I told him how much I would miss him. Everyone knew he was going to go soon; it was in front of our eyes, and in our ears when the doctors would tell us that there was only so much time for everyone on this earth, and our father’s was simply running out.

They said he would go in peace if it continued like this. I prayed to God they weren’t lying.

I walked to room three twenty-nine, just like I had every other time I came to visit. Even if I’d only been here a handful of times, I knew the route up to his room by heart now. It was hard not to forget every single detail about where my father was when this was the only thing I had left of him. I memorized every detail of it just to hold onto him for a little longer. I would never forget how many paces it took to get from the elevator to his room, as it was the only thing I could think about as I approached, silently trying to prepare myself for seeing him again.

It never wore off of me every time I saw those wires, and heard those monitors beeping. They drove me wild, burned into my memory and haunting me in my dreams. My dreams weren’t even a safe place to escape to anymore.

Nothing was safe anymore.

I walked into his deathly quiet room, the only sound coming from the frightening noises of the monitors. I didn’t know what they tracked, but they never seemed to sound like they were quite right. He was attached to more wires and tubes than he had been last time I visited, making my heart pound with grief as I sat down in the chair that was always by his side.

He was sleeping again, looking peaceful now as his eyelids fluttered every once and a while. I hoped he was as peaceful as he looked, not feeling a thing anymore. I just wanted him to be free of all of this now, but I knew now that there was only one way that was going to happen. I didn’t want that though. I wanted him to be free of this, but alive. I wanted him to overcome this and make it through. It wasn’t fair for it to be one way or the other. He could either be in pain and alive, or he could be having the time of his life in heaven, without us.

I didn’t want to think about him going. I hated thinking about it, but it was the only thing on my mind now. And it was only more present in my brain as I sat in front of him, wishing he would open his eyes and see me. I wondered if my mother had even told him I had come out. I wondered if he would ever know how hard it was for me to come back here, and I hoped he would know that I did it because of how much I loved him.

It was when my tears started rolling down my cheeks that the monitors started beeping at alarming rates, noises being made to alert doctors of what was happening. I had no clue what was going on, being left in the dark as I looked around outside for doctors, knowing something was wrong. I called for them, hearing the sound of their footsteps on the linoleum pacing towards the room.

They all filed in, a few doctors in white coats and even more nurses in various colored scrubs. They ignored me for a few moments, crowding around my father’s bed and calling out long words to the other doctors, words I had no idea what they meant. More and more tears started to pour down my cheeks, dripping onto my jacket and making little wet dots.

The tone of their voices got more and more intense, growing frantic as they rushed through their actions. A nurse spotted me, standing there with my hands limp at my sides, and sobs coming from my mouth. She gently took my shoulders and started steering me out of the room and to the hallway. I didn’t even put up a fight; I was convinced there was no fight left in me, anyways.

I slumped against the wall when she let go of me and shut the door to my father’s room. I prayed this wouldn’t be the last time I got to see him. I sobbed and cried and shook while I slowly slid down that wall and onto the floor, sitting down. No one was even around to look at me, the girl causing a scene on the floor of the hospital. But they probably got this a lot anyways, I was no different. There were plenty of people who had died in this hospital, and plenty of relatives who sobbed on their floors. I was no one special. I was just going to be another person left alone to go home on their own, knowing that they were a family of one less.

I knew this was it, but I didn’t want it to be. I wanted my father back. But he wasn’t coming back. It was those long faces and averted eyes of the doctors and nurses that told me everything I needed to know. They didn’t even give me a glance as I sat on the floor outside of his room, knowing that I didn’t even get the chance to whisper how much I would miss him. He had to leave before I could open my stupid mouth and shove out some meaningful words.

I was alone. Just like I had always been, but it felt really different now, having a parent torn away from you. I called the only person I could think of who I had left, even if we hadn’t talked since I screamed words I didn’t mean.

It was a shock when he picked up, I didn’t expect him to. I thought he was gone for good now, just like he thought I was gone for good last time. But I guess we just can’t stay out of each other’s lives. I needed him, and I hoped to God he could be there for me.

“Alex,” I croaked, my voice barely coming due to the lack of oxygen from sobbing. “Alex, please, I need you.”

“I’ll - I’ll be there,” he said, his voice extremely soft and quiet. My sobs must have given it all away, because he knew right where I was. He knew what happened. “What room?”

“Three twenty-nine,” I breathed, trying not to emit another screech while on the phone.

I was on my father’s now empty bed when Alex arrived, clutching the empty pillow he had laid his head on for the duration of his stay here. I wanted every last bit of him I could get. Alex peeked into the room before entering without making a sound. I felt him near me, but he didn’t climb onto the bed. I felt his hand reach out and start stroking my hair, trying to calm me down as I stopped choking on my breaths.

“Do you want me to take you home? You should go home,” he muttered, stroking my hair awkwardly. I didn’t know how we should be acting around each other, and I could tell he wasn’t quite sure what was going on between us, too. “You should be with your family. They’ll probably know soon. I’ll take you home.”

He had the idea that I needed to be with my family, so I could be surrounded by other people sobbing and crying out to the heavens, angry at God for taking our father away. I didn’t need to be around them; I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was trying my best not to run away, and seeing them all would send me packing back to my Florida recluse like that.

“No,” I said assertively, shocked at my tone. “I do not want to go home.”

Alex didn’t push it, only taking my hand and helping me off of the bed. I stumbled into him and his arms caught around me and held me there, keeping me from falling as he escorted me out of the hospital and to his car. We left the van sitting in the lot, and I sat in the passenger’s seat of his car, still crying, minus the sobs. Alex sighed as we pulled out of the parking lot, and I flinched when I felt his hand touch mine. He didn’t pull away though; he knew I needed his touch right now. I needed him more than anything. And for once, he was there when I needed him.

He ended up driving to the park where we talked for hours the first night I was here. Alex took my hand again and helped me out of the car, walking me over to a giant tree and sitting us down on the ground. It was freezing outside, but we were both wrapped up in jackets and hats, as well as each other. His arms were constricted around me, holding me close so I could never get away. I wished he had held me like this last time I saw him.

I heard him draw in a breath, preparing to say something, so I listened closely.

“CJ, I love you. I mean, I have loved you. I’ve always loved you. I still do.”

The tears that were already making their way down my cheeks were now joined with a fresh set, and a little smile came over my face as I turned to look at him.

“Do y-you, do you…” I tried to say something, my words stuttered from the hiccups and tears getting in the way.

“I swear to God I mean it,” he said, looking into my eyes and not daring to look away. His eyes held a sort of deep caring and loving look in them, one that I had never seen before. His look was making me week in my knees, and I was secretly glad we were already sitting down.

All I could do was nuzzle into him, trying to think of what to say.

I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to say everything I had kept from him, letting him know how I really felt, and that I shouldn’t have walked away from him, and that he shouldn’t have walked away from me.

“I’ve, I’ve loved you since high school, CJ. I was obsessed with you. I wanted to always be with you. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t keep anything going smooth for me. I just had to keep fucking things up with us. Even though I had to act like I didn’t care, you have no idea how thrilled and even surprised I was every time you took me back. I have no idea why you kept doing that,” he said, smiling a little and chuckling, moving a hand under my chin to make me look up at him. “But I’m really glad you did. And even if you didn’t, I would have never been able to stop loving you. And that was only proved when you did stop taking me back, and left. I’ve never stopped loving you, even if you’re miles and miles away and busy being a big shot author.”

I smiled, tears still leaking from my eyes as I watched a Alex’s eyes get misty too.

His lips met mine, and they were cold, making me shudder as I felt the familiarity once again of our lips together. They were perfect and synched, smooth and choreographed, the way they only can be after years of practice. No matter how long we had been apart, Alex and I would always feel familiar to each other. We would always know the other inside and out, no matter how many changes we had went through while apart. I would always know how Alex is, and he would always know me.

“I didn’t mean it when I said I was falling back in love with you,” I whispered, watching Alex’s eyes clutter in confusion. “I should have told you that I was falling in love with you all over again, because I’ve never fallen out of love with you.”