Another Mile, Another Minute

Alex loved being on the road; whether he was on tour, picking up a few groceries at the nearby store, or just driving around aimlessly. The road gave him endless possibilities. So many choices, so little worries; at least for him.

With Lia, every step had to be planned out, penned down; with a destination, a purpose. Why couldn’t anything just ever be?

Because she was a psychopath bent on ruining his life, that’s why. Okay, maybe that was a little too harsh.

She was just a psychopath.

As soon as they got into the car, Lia handed him sheets and sheets of paper and started rambling on about directions, and stopovers, and bookings; on and on and on she went.

The moment she uttered the fourth word, Alex’s selective hearing kicked in: a mechanism that usually only makes itself known to men after the second year of marriage but Alex had been using it, and had perfected using it since the age of twelve.

So there he was: definitely not his second year of marriage and using his Selective Hearing (better known to the majority of the male population as SH!) eyes semi-glazed, nodding every four point five seconds, and murmuring every five point three. It really was a science.

“Alex?” Lia asked.

“Uh, what? Yeah, definitely,” he said, turning off his SH! and becoming fully alert.

“Thought so,” she had smirked at him, “you weren’t listening to a word I said, were you?”

“Why would you say that?” he asked back as smoothly as possible, while managing to dodge the question.

“Because,” she answered, “I said that you were probably going to start menstruating tomorrow and asked if you needed any tampons to which you said yes.”

“Ew.”

“When you should have said that.” She laughed.

“Ha ha. Very funny,” he remarked dryly, “don’t go talking about tampons and all that feminine stuff to me. You’ve got Jack for that.”

Alex heard her sigh. If Lia had a soft spot, it was definitely Jack, and vice versa. It was very yuck-inducing.

“So what are you getting him for his birthday?” she changed the subject.

“Same as usual,” he waited for any prodding on her behalf before finishing his sentence, “a stripper. He seems to enjoy it quite a lot. More and more as the years progress, actually.”

Lia didn’t answer, and out of the corner of his eye, Alex could’ve sworn he saw her face fall a little more than fractionally as she sank back into her seat. He’d been aiming to strike a nerve with that last one, but apparently, he struck one too many.

“Hey, Meelee. I’m just joshin’ with you, alright?” he clarified.

She turned to his, mouth set in a hard line. Definitely not her happy face.

Focusing his attention back on the road, Alex felt a punch come from the right, followed by a slight wave of pins an needles.

“Um, ow?” he said unsure if that was meant to hurt or not. Lia was a feisty girl, but she was far too small and delicate to really pack any power into a punch.

He frowned at her expression, “Aw, c’mon. I’m sorry okay? Way too far for only one pm. Maybe later.”

Instead of accepting his “apology”, she harrumphed and turned her back to him, pretending there was something so absorbingly interesting out on the highway. In a few minutes, Lia was fast asleep, leaving Alex alone with the road and the few thoughts she doubted he possessed.

...

Alex nibbled on the inside of his bottom lip; a habit he’d come to do when he was nervous or unsure. “Hey, Lia,” he shook her awake, “Lia, wake up.”

She stirred awake and let her eyes slowly adjust to the light. Gently stretching, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She’d just taken a very restful two hour nap.

“Hey Sleeping Ugly,”Lia rolled her eyes. Even his insults were juvenile, “Finally awake. If you hadn’t been snoring so loudly, I would have though you slipped into a coma or something.”

“Or something,” she murmured, ignoring the snoring jibe. She knew she didn’t snore. She occasionally talked in her sleep, but that was really no problem. She’d just be avoiding any slumber parties with people who were out to get her.

“I think I may have taken a wrong turn somewhere back there.”

She yawned, “Lemme see the map,” she extended her hand for the piece of paper. After studying the geography of western Maryland, and coordinating with her detailed notes, she peered out of the grimy windshield, “Well, if we’re on right track, we should be on the I-99. But this does not look like it.” To their right were fields and fields of corn and crops of wheat lined the left side of the rural road.

Take a deep cleansing breath so as not to blow her top so early on the trip, she dared to ask him the question she knew she would come to regret, “Did you even look at the map, or my notes and directions?”

“Define, look.” Alex replied without a trace of repentance and making sure not to make eye-contact, “I took a glance at it every now and then, if that’s what you mean.”

“Do you think that’s what I meant? That’s like saying you know the water is boiling when you stick your hand in it and say ‘ow’,” she said flatly.

He was only amused. He couldn’t believe stick–up–her–ass–Lia hadn’t blown a fuse yet. Granted, she was distracted by insulting him, but it was a new revelation.

“No. When have I ever boiled water?” he answered smartly. Now he was just testing her limits.

She mumbled something barely coherent under her breath, but Alex was able to capture something along the lines of, “Butt-head.”

“What’s the matter? Can’t think of any other big girl words to call me?” he challenged.

“You really are the mayor of dicks, aren’t you? And now you’ve managed to get us lost!”

“Like this is even my fault!”

“You’re the one driving!”

“Well, why don’t you try it?” he instantly let go of the wheel.

“Alex!” Lia screeched, “Stop the car!”

He pulled the car over to the side of the road. She swung the door open, making the hinges whine in protest. Kicking her legs out, she began pacing beside the vehicle. With a much calmer demeanor, Alex slip out of his seat and stood on his side crossing his arms and leaning comfortable on the roof of his beat up automobile, watching his companion fluster and chew away on her fingernails.

“Didn’t you follow the map at all?” she was exasperated and still pacing back and forth.

“Yes.”

“Really?” she stopped for a moment, having believed him.

“Does it look like I did?” he spread his arms to make her look at where they were,” she began pacing again, “I thought we went over this already. I just drove.”

“I gave it to you. It was right there for you to use. What did you think it was for? Wiping your ass on? Why don’t you ever stop and look at what’s right in front of you?”

He raised a perfectly groomed caterpillar eyebrow.

“What now? I could do without your stupid little facial expressions, Alex.”

“You’re not falling for me are you? I mean, i expected as much, agreeing to this trip and everything. It was bound to happen sometime soon. Since you’ve managed to resist my – as the ladies say – irresistible British charm.”

Lia scoffed violently. He’s still going on about that British thing. she thought to herself. “British charm my ass! You lived there ‘till you were seven! What charms could a seven year old learn?” she tried injecting as much venom as she could into her voice, “especially a slow one like you! You couldn’t even retain the British accent; the possibility of you retaining any British charm is highly doubtful. A one in a million chance!”

But he was unscathed by her outburst, “I just thought you’d hold out a little longer than this.”

“Can you please explain your insane train of thought?”

“Well, in shows, that’s what the chick always says to the guy she’s been crushing on since forever – aka, me.” In a high falsetto he showed her an example, “I love you! Why can’t you see that I’m right here? Stop for once and look at what’s right in front of you!”

“You’ve been watching way too much T.V. Try turning off One Tree Hill every now and then okay? I know Chad Michael Murray is fine, but grow some balls.”

“Hey! It was Pete who turned me to Tree Hill. Ever since he made those cameos. Hah! He made us fall in love with him all over again! We still make fun of his about it whenever it’s appropriate.”

“That’s just dandy. Now can we focus here? We’re stuck in the middle of nowhere?!”

“Focus on what? On your undeniable attraction towards me? What a shame as well,” he continued, almost as if he were talking to himself, which he might as well have been, what with the lack of interest and input on her behalf, “Jack will be posolutely crushed – Well, not really, actually. More like freed.”

“You’re such an ass-fucker, Gaskank,” she spat at him.

Once Alex got going, there was no stopping him, He rarely thought once about the things he said, much less twice, “Negatory , missus. Said ass-fucker is your boyfriend.”

Lia blood boiled over, “You are a disgusting waste of a human being and I can’t believe I complied to this!”

And with the last statement, she gave up and marched into the corn field.

“Where are you going?” he shouted after her in panic.

“Anywhere that you aren’t!” she responded, not even bothering to turn around when she said it.

“Get back here Lia!” but she showed no signs of slowing.

“Fine! Be that way! Have a nice life! I’m gonna pawn off all your stuff to any hitchhikers along the way!”

Curious to see what he was rambling on about, she spun around just in time to see Alex slam the door.

“Wait, what are you –“

Her question was cut off by the deafening roar of the ancient engine.

He had driven off and left her in the middle of the corn field.

“Alex!” she screamed his name, but the only thing she heard was the fading putt-putt of his exhaust and the echo of her own voice.

Stupid ass-fucker.

Alex Gaskarth: 2
Lia Philsen: 0 and stranded.