‹ Prequel: Dear Jane Doe
Confusion Girl
Seventeen
We rolled into New York, all bright eyed and slack jawed. I was used to big cities, had spent the last two years in London weaving my way in black taxis through the bustling streets, but there was still something magical about New York. The appropriately named sky scrapers had my hands tingling in anticipation, every part of me yearning to just get out of the car and spin as if I were captured in some romantic film.
The boys were just as stupefied. You wouldn’t have thought they’d had two number one singles and already toured through a few States judging by their reactions. In fact, looking at the four rather scruffy guys accompanying me in the car you wouldn’t have thought they were rock stars at all.
“Holy shit,” Tom breathed out from beside me, his neck craned just like mine, our heads practically hanging out of the open window. We didn’t care that the exhausts from a city of traffic were burning through our lungs or that a man in the cab to the left was shooting us bizarre glances. “Oh sweet mother of Jesus.”
We all nodded in agreement, all just as amazed. After hours and hours of driving along packed highways and uneven back roads we were finally here. Not that I could stay long. Still, New York was impressive under the glare of a lazy sun and before our eager eyes.
“Where are we staying then?” Alec asked, one voice of reason amid our awed silence.
Jo grunted from the driver’s seat. I saw how tight his muscles were, how much he ached to stop and rest. I recognised it. I could remember the drive we’d all thought would be such a good idea a few years ago, an unplanned road trip, an impulsive adventure. I remembered Jo’s whinging as he drove and how we’d had so many stops that we never ended up wherever we’d wanted to go. He’d been silent this time and I knew his adrenaline and excitement had exhausted him completely.
“The nearest hotel,” he almost groaned.
“No way,” Tom bounced excitedly “the best hotel!”
“The Ritz?” I asked stupidly, racking my brain for hotels which might appeal to him.
The rest of the boys snorted but Tom beamed excitedly. “Did our manager say he would cover the cost of it?” he turned to Alec.
Alec shrugged “he was so desperate for us to come down here I’m sure if we ‘asked’ for him to pay for it then he would.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled a face where he couldn’t see. That was such an Alec thing to say. To expect someone else to pick up the tab for him, to expect someone else to take the blame and responsibility. I didn’t doubt he could charm the expenses off of their manager. He’d already managed to charm his way into half of America’s hearts, not to mention countless women’s’ pants.
They all had jubilant grins on their faces now as they realised just how extortionate they could be. It wasn’t long before we’d parked before the grand Ritz hotel, pausing with the cabs for a moment.
I glanced dubiously at the clock on the dashboard, wondering how much time I could afford to waste in the hotel before pushing onwards to Maryland. The promise of a job interview to something I was interested in was too tempting. The thought of me, lounging in the office of an Editor, sipping my mocha, reading script after script before picking my favourites, was too tempting. It made me fidget, uncomfortable to linger when there was even a slight chance I could get that job.
“Now comes the hard part,” John said slowly as we all paused momentarily in the car. They were all as restless as me only they yearned to go to their hotel rooms and watch cable. “Who’s going to take Eliza to her little interview?”
“Little?” I scoffed “coming from a guy who dropped out of high school because it was too hard?”
John waved a hand dismissively before leaning into the gear stick so everyone could clearly see him. My eyes reluctantly flittered onto Alec, trying to read his nonchalance, trying to make him leave the car or remain silent. Through pure will alone, I was asking him to let me go without him.
“It’s not like they’d miss the gig or anything...” John trailed off. I had that horrible feeling of being unclaimed during gym, of being overlooked and left behind.
“Don’t all jump at once guys,” I grumbled.
I could trace their wandering eyes. I knew who they all expected to stake a claim. It was like their hope for things to return back to how they had been when we’d all been reunited, they desperately wanted Alec and me to kiss and make up. Forcing us to spend the next 24 hours in each others’ company was bound to have some effect.
“I’ll take her.”
I closed my eyes against the inevitable words. Maybe if I pretended he hadn’t said them then so would the rest of the world.
“That’s settled then,” Jo pounced before I could voice my utter disgust and refusal.
“John, Tom and I will set things up for tomorrow while Alec takes Eliza to Maryland.”
I refused to open my eyes and acknowledge this, my back ramrod straight and muscles clenched. I could kick up a fuss, throw my toys out of the pram, but that would only give Alec the satisfaction of knowing I still cared. It was more powerful to play nonchalance so he remained oblivious to the heartbreaking truth. The same heartbreaking truth that even I shunned.
“Whatever,” I was impressed with how careless my tone was as I turned my head defiantly towards the car window. I could feel their stares burning into me, trying to catch my attention but I only toyed with my hair absently. They didn’t have to know that my scalp was aching with the pressure I applied to my hair or that my fingernails were digging painfully into my palm.
“Okay, well we’ll see you two lovebirds tomorrow in the afternoon. Don’t have too much fun or else you won’t be back in time for the concert.” John and his smirking face bolted out of the car before either Alec or I could get hold of him.
“Good luck Eliza,” Jo winked at me before following suit. I didn’t know what he was referring to exactly. Was the luck for my upcoming job interview or being stuck with Alec for the foreseeable future? I’d need both a lot.
Tom wrapped his long, warm arms around me tightly and it almost melted my cold facade. “You’ll do great my lovely Elizabeth.” He kissed my cheek and shoved Alec out of the door so he could trail up to the impressive hotel, following John’s skittish figure and Jo’s lanky one. I watched them for a few seconds before I couldn’t ignore Alec’s stare anymore.
“What?” I asked irritably as I stalked out of the car, slamming the door, and settling myself in the passenger’s seat. I could still feel John’s warm indent on it and had to move it forwards to accommodate my shorter being.
Alec didn’t reply but instead sat stiffly behind the wheel. I had barely seen him move, too focused on ignoring him and being angry at the betrayers who’d abandoned me with this idiot.
“Are we leaving then?” I prompted sharply “or do you want to just sit here staring all day?”
He blinked rapidly as if only just surfacing from a dream. I rolled my eyes as he finally put the car into gear so we moved off. The silence was so heavy I felt my shoulders slump with it, my bones grinding with it, but I wouldn’t give into it. Not if Alec wouldn’t say anything first.
So I just stared out of the window, hating the fact that I didn’t know my way around this part of America. It made me feel weak as if I was just a damsel in distress who needed a prince to help her. I’d been independent for so long that it made me blush just thinking about depending on someone, let alone Alec, for anything. And yet here I was, being driven to Maryland but a guy who knew these roads better than any map.
I wondered briefly if I would have gotten lost on my own – if my sense of direction was really that poor. Squinting at the signs flashing by, I knew it would have been hopeless. And that Alec had really done me a favour by taking me – not that I’d ever let him know.
“Are you really going to go out with that Carlos douche?”
I started at his words after an hour of silence. Glancing over at him, I saw how tightly he gripped the steering wheel and how tense his arms were. It took everything I had not to reach over and touch him, to not sooth him, like my entire being craved to do. Instinct with him ran deeper than I’d imagined.
“Yes,” I said curtly, not caring to elaborate.
“So you’ll give some CD stacking idiot a date but you won’t even give a famous rock star the time of day?”
I smirked at his bitterness maliciously. “That CD stacker hasn’t broken my heart.”
“Oh don’t pretend that I ever broke anything of yours which you never had in the first place,” he spat, the car swerving slightly into a different lane. We were met with a blaring or horns from the disgruntled car behind us but I paid that no mind. My head was too busy reeling at the words Alec had just dared utter.
“Wow,” I said darkly “I can’t believe you.”
“Lizz I’m sor-.”
“No, actually I can believe you. I should have known that only you would think to go on the attack when really you should be on complete defence. You fucking broke my heart, not the other way round, and you most certainly broke it good. So before you sit there and think you have the right to tear me down, take a look at yourself and what you’ve done for the past 2 years. Sure you’ve sold millions of records but you’ve also had cold meaningless sex with strangers and broken your own heart as a result. I’m not the source for your pain. So while I rebuild mine, Alec, don’t think for even a minute that I’d ever give you the time of day. Even though you’re obviously fucked up enough to expect that.”
I was short of breath and blinking back tears but I felt weightless. After two years of harbouring so many unsaid confessions it was nice to voice at least a few of them. I turned sharply away from him to stare at the mass of cars drifting by on the highway. I caught a glimpse of strangers through their windows and wondered if they could sense the release I’d just experienced.
“Lizz...” he trailed off, voice wobbling. I shook my head angrily at nothing, pleading with him not to continue, not to drag this on for any longer. I didn’t know how much more I could say before I couldn’t speak anymore. It was as if my voice box had saved itself purely for this moment and, now that it had come, it was still lacking. There wasn’t enough breath in my lungs. Not enough words in the dictionary to spell it out.
“God, Lizz I just want things to be okay between us again.”
I scoffed, furious tears already making tracks down my face. “You don’t get to say shit like that.”
He was silent then, perhaps catching a glimpse of my face or hearing the way my voice shook. So I closed my eyes and turned away from him, pretending to be enthralled in my thoughts when really all I wanted to do was run from them.
The boys were just as stupefied. You wouldn’t have thought they’d had two number one singles and already toured through a few States judging by their reactions. In fact, looking at the four rather scruffy guys accompanying me in the car you wouldn’t have thought they were rock stars at all.
“Holy shit,” Tom breathed out from beside me, his neck craned just like mine, our heads practically hanging out of the open window. We didn’t care that the exhausts from a city of traffic were burning through our lungs or that a man in the cab to the left was shooting us bizarre glances. “Oh sweet mother of Jesus.”
We all nodded in agreement, all just as amazed. After hours and hours of driving along packed highways and uneven back roads we were finally here. Not that I could stay long. Still, New York was impressive under the glare of a lazy sun and before our eager eyes.
“Where are we staying then?” Alec asked, one voice of reason amid our awed silence.
Jo grunted from the driver’s seat. I saw how tight his muscles were, how much he ached to stop and rest. I recognised it. I could remember the drive we’d all thought would be such a good idea a few years ago, an unplanned road trip, an impulsive adventure. I remembered Jo’s whinging as he drove and how we’d had so many stops that we never ended up wherever we’d wanted to go. He’d been silent this time and I knew his adrenaline and excitement had exhausted him completely.
“The nearest hotel,” he almost groaned.
“No way,” Tom bounced excitedly “the best hotel!”
“The Ritz?” I asked stupidly, racking my brain for hotels which might appeal to him.
The rest of the boys snorted but Tom beamed excitedly. “Did our manager say he would cover the cost of it?” he turned to Alec.
Alec shrugged “he was so desperate for us to come down here I’m sure if we ‘asked’ for him to pay for it then he would.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled a face where he couldn’t see. That was such an Alec thing to say. To expect someone else to pick up the tab for him, to expect someone else to take the blame and responsibility. I didn’t doubt he could charm the expenses off of their manager. He’d already managed to charm his way into half of America’s hearts, not to mention countless women’s’ pants.
They all had jubilant grins on their faces now as they realised just how extortionate they could be. It wasn’t long before we’d parked before the grand Ritz hotel, pausing with the cabs for a moment.
I glanced dubiously at the clock on the dashboard, wondering how much time I could afford to waste in the hotel before pushing onwards to Maryland. The promise of a job interview to something I was interested in was too tempting. The thought of me, lounging in the office of an Editor, sipping my mocha, reading script after script before picking my favourites, was too tempting. It made me fidget, uncomfortable to linger when there was even a slight chance I could get that job.
“Now comes the hard part,” John said slowly as we all paused momentarily in the car. They were all as restless as me only they yearned to go to their hotel rooms and watch cable. “Who’s going to take Eliza to her little interview?”
“Little?” I scoffed “coming from a guy who dropped out of high school because it was too hard?”
John waved a hand dismissively before leaning into the gear stick so everyone could clearly see him. My eyes reluctantly flittered onto Alec, trying to read his nonchalance, trying to make him leave the car or remain silent. Through pure will alone, I was asking him to let me go without him.
“It’s not like they’d miss the gig or anything...” John trailed off. I had that horrible feeling of being unclaimed during gym, of being overlooked and left behind.
“Don’t all jump at once guys,” I grumbled.
I could trace their wandering eyes. I knew who they all expected to stake a claim. It was like their hope for things to return back to how they had been when we’d all been reunited, they desperately wanted Alec and me to kiss and make up. Forcing us to spend the next 24 hours in each others’ company was bound to have some effect.
“I’ll take her.”
I closed my eyes against the inevitable words. Maybe if I pretended he hadn’t said them then so would the rest of the world.
“That’s settled then,” Jo pounced before I could voice my utter disgust and refusal.
“John, Tom and I will set things up for tomorrow while Alec takes Eliza to Maryland.”
I refused to open my eyes and acknowledge this, my back ramrod straight and muscles clenched. I could kick up a fuss, throw my toys out of the pram, but that would only give Alec the satisfaction of knowing I still cared. It was more powerful to play nonchalance so he remained oblivious to the heartbreaking truth. The same heartbreaking truth that even I shunned.
“Whatever,” I was impressed with how careless my tone was as I turned my head defiantly towards the car window. I could feel their stares burning into me, trying to catch my attention but I only toyed with my hair absently. They didn’t have to know that my scalp was aching with the pressure I applied to my hair or that my fingernails were digging painfully into my palm.
“Okay, well we’ll see you two lovebirds tomorrow in the afternoon. Don’t have too much fun or else you won’t be back in time for the concert.” John and his smirking face bolted out of the car before either Alec or I could get hold of him.
“Good luck Eliza,” Jo winked at me before following suit. I didn’t know what he was referring to exactly. Was the luck for my upcoming job interview or being stuck with Alec for the foreseeable future? I’d need both a lot.
Tom wrapped his long, warm arms around me tightly and it almost melted my cold facade. “You’ll do great my lovely Elizabeth.” He kissed my cheek and shoved Alec out of the door so he could trail up to the impressive hotel, following John’s skittish figure and Jo’s lanky one. I watched them for a few seconds before I couldn’t ignore Alec’s stare anymore.
“What?” I asked irritably as I stalked out of the car, slamming the door, and settling myself in the passenger’s seat. I could still feel John’s warm indent on it and had to move it forwards to accommodate my shorter being.
Alec didn’t reply but instead sat stiffly behind the wheel. I had barely seen him move, too focused on ignoring him and being angry at the betrayers who’d abandoned me with this idiot.
“Are we leaving then?” I prompted sharply “or do you want to just sit here staring all day?”
He blinked rapidly as if only just surfacing from a dream. I rolled my eyes as he finally put the car into gear so we moved off. The silence was so heavy I felt my shoulders slump with it, my bones grinding with it, but I wouldn’t give into it. Not if Alec wouldn’t say anything first.
So I just stared out of the window, hating the fact that I didn’t know my way around this part of America. It made me feel weak as if I was just a damsel in distress who needed a prince to help her. I’d been independent for so long that it made me blush just thinking about depending on someone, let alone Alec, for anything. And yet here I was, being driven to Maryland but a guy who knew these roads better than any map.
I wondered briefly if I would have gotten lost on my own – if my sense of direction was really that poor. Squinting at the signs flashing by, I knew it would have been hopeless. And that Alec had really done me a favour by taking me – not that I’d ever let him know.
“Are you really going to go out with that Carlos douche?”
I started at his words after an hour of silence. Glancing over at him, I saw how tightly he gripped the steering wheel and how tense his arms were. It took everything I had not to reach over and touch him, to not sooth him, like my entire being craved to do. Instinct with him ran deeper than I’d imagined.
“Yes,” I said curtly, not caring to elaborate.
“So you’ll give some CD stacking idiot a date but you won’t even give a famous rock star the time of day?”
I smirked at his bitterness maliciously. “That CD stacker hasn’t broken my heart.”
“Oh don’t pretend that I ever broke anything of yours which you never had in the first place,” he spat, the car swerving slightly into a different lane. We were met with a blaring or horns from the disgruntled car behind us but I paid that no mind. My head was too busy reeling at the words Alec had just dared utter.
“Wow,” I said darkly “I can’t believe you.”
“Lizz I’m sor-.”
“No, actually I can believe you. I should have known that only you would think to go on the attack when really you should be on complete defence. You fucking broke my heart, not the other way round, and you most certainly broke it good. So before you sit there and think you have the right to tear me down, take a look at yourself and what you’ve done for the past 2 years. Sure you’ve sold millions of records but you’ve also had cold meaningless sex with strangers and broken your own heart as a result. I’m not the source for your pain. So while I rebuild mine, Alec, don’t think for even a minute that I’d ever give you the time of day. Even though you’re obviously fucked up enough to expect that.”
I was short of breath and blinking back tears but I felt weightless. After two years of harbouring so many unsaid confessions it was nice to voice at least a few of them. I turned sharply away from him to stare at the mass of cars drifting by on the highway. I caught a glimpse of strangers through their windows and wondered if they could sense the release I’d just experienced.
“Lizz...” he trailed off, voice wobbling. I shook my head angrily at nothing, pleading with him not to continue, not to drag this on for any longer. I didn’t know how much more I could say before I couldn’t speak anymore. It was as if my voice box had saved itself purely for this moment and, now that it had come, it was still lacking. There wasn’t enough breath in my lungs. Not enough words in the dictionary to spell it out.
“God, Lizz I just want things to be okay between us again.”
I scoffed, furious tears already making tracks down my face. “You don’t get to say shit like that.”
He was silent then, perhaps catching a glimpse of my face or hearing the way my voice shook. So I closed my eyes and turned away from him, pretending to be enthralled in my thoughts when really all I wanted to do was run from them.