Confusion Girl

I had fallen asleep. I didn’t gather this from exotic, possibly sexual dreams that played out before my closed eyes, but rather Alec’s voice which jolted me awake. Glancing at the clock, I realised that five hours had simply vanished and darkness had since overtaken the sky. I had never been able to fall asleep on a car journey before. Normally the constant jostling and ongoing growl of the engine was more than enough to keep any sleep heavy eyes at bay. I guess it was Alec’s fault; he’d made me wish for nothing more than to escape the situation, and my tired body had been only too willing.

“What?” I groaned sleepily, distantly aware that he’d sparked my consciousness with some garble of words.

“We’re stopping in a minute,” Alec repeated, keeping his eyes firmly on the dimly lit road.

I scoffed and nestled my sore body further into the seat. Another reason I’d never been able to fall asleep in a car before was because it was so damn uncomfortable. And my body was now paying for its earlier stupidity.

“What makes you think we should stop? It’s only...” I whipped my eyes back to the clock and, for the first time, really digested the digits properly. “1 in the morning.”

“Exactly,” I could hear the impatience in his tone. It made me wonder just what he’d done for those five hours I’d been unconscious.

I grumbled a noncommittal noise, not wanting to agree and yet craving a flat surface to sprawl out properly on. I watched Alec clench and then re-clench the steering wheel as if worried it would all slip from his grasp. The silence suddenly smothering us was unbearable and I was almost tempted to say something just to break it, to be able to breathe properly.

“You were snoring,” Alec smirked “pretty loudly actually.”

And then I wished for the silence to come back.

“I don’t snore,” I retorted indignantly, too caught up in the accusation to care that I had willingly spoken to him.

“Oh, you’d prefer the term breathing heavily?” His face was split into a dark smirk so familiar that I couldn’t help but smile back.

“You never seemed to mind it when you fell asleep beside me every night,” I rebuked.

Alec’s smirk melted into a heart-tugging smile which he flashed me quickly, the road momentarily forgotten. I saw the memories in his eyes before I had a chance to pull my gaze away. They were happy memories; they were the ones I kept stored and locked away. It seemed Alec hadn’t a problem with probing back into the past and I wondered if he ever felt sad when he’d come back to reality?

“That’s because your snoring is adorable and I was usually too exhausted after our... fun to care.”

My face burnt red and I briskly turned to stare out of my window. Those memories were certainly ones I didn’t want to recall. I relived them enough in steamy dreams which didn’t listen to the rational part of my brain reminding me that he was no good. It was undeniable that Alec had given me the greatest pleasures of my life – not that he needed to know that.

I let out a childish sigh, watching as we pulled into a hotel wedged in between a long line of shops. The streets were narrower here, almost European looking, and I felt a small buzz of excitement race through me as I remembered the Job Interview lined up for me tomorrow. In less than eight hours. Shortly after my excitement, fear and nausea took its place.

“Are you alright Lizz?” Alec asked as the car pulled to a stop beside a fancy looking BMW. In normal instances I would have laughed at the imagined face of the driver after he found his baby parked beside a rusty, red, shitty car which looked as if it were about to fall apart at any moment. But I was too preoccupied with the notion of my upcoming job interview and how close Alec and I were sitting to one another. It was distracting.

“Oh God, I can’t do this,” I said breathlessly “I can’t do this. I’m going to faint, or be late, or they’ll just laugh at me because I have no experience.”

“What are you talking about? You’re the smartest girl I know,” Alec frowned as if he really didn’t understand how stupid I was for even trying to get this job.

“No offense Alec but that doesn’t really inspire confidence, the only other girls you know are whores and players.”

He shook his head but I caught the smile tugging one side of his mouth up. “Some of them were pretty intelligent. Some of them knew that by sleeping with me they could climb their own social ladders.”

“Yeah, but they were dumb enough to sleep with you in the first place. Which just proves that I’m even more stupid because I didn’t just dump you after one night,” I groaned “I’m just not good enough for this job.”

Alec reached over tentatively, eyes darting over my body as if scared I might punch him at any second, and brushed his fingers over the hands curled up in my lap. The sensation felt somewhat calming so I didn’t retreat even though I knew I should be punching him. But after earlier when I’d cut myself loose from a lot of pent up anger my body didn’t feel so averse to him, my reflexes weren’t imploring me to batter him.

“You’re stupidly intelligent Lizz. When you’re around the band our average IQ pretty much triples. The way you write, the amount you read, the knowledge stored up in your brain is intimidating and wonderful and unneeded. I wouldn’t be driving you all this way if I didn’t think you were a shoo in for the job. You’re amazing.”

I stared at him. If my mouth hadn’t felt so glued together I was sure my jaw would be hanging open. Nobody had been that sweet to me for a long time, I’d forgotten what it felt like to have someone pay you so many compliments. I’d forgotten what it felt like to know that someone looked up to you and believed in you. My Mom never had, my fake friends back at university never had. Only this boy and his silly band mates made me remember what it was to have confidence in oneself.

Not that I suddenly felt any better about the job interview (because his words hadn’t been that inspiring) but I found that my eyes wouldn’t move away from Alec. And I found that I wanted to lean over the gears and kiss him, cheeks flushed and eyes shining like I was seventeen all over again.

“We should get you inside so you can sleep, in a few hours we’ll set off again. I guess, since the traffic was bad getting up here, we should leave at 8 or 9 just in case. We wouldn’t want you to be late now, would we?” Alec winked and was gone before I had the chance to find my brain and pummel down the urge to kiss him.

Where had that come from? So the guy pays you a few compliments, what does that change? He still broke your heart and he still fucked hundreds of women while you were unknowingly mourning him in England. But the passion of hatred wasn’t there anymore. I found the idea of second chances and new beginnings suddenly very appealing, just as intriguing as the way Alec’s hands had felt on mine and the way his lips had looked in the semi darkness.

And I didn’t want to sleep. I’d already spent five hours doing just that and I was too full of emotions and expressions to rest my head on a pillow. I rolled down the car’s window to poke my head out into the stuffy summer air.

“I’m hungry!”

I saw him pause on his way to the hotel, his figure almost just a shadow amid the dimness. I saw him turn around. I saw the smile on his face. I saw a lot of things in that moment but didn’t feel the need to point out that just because I wanted him to take me somewhere to eat didn’t mean that I necessarily wanted to be anywhere near him. But I did. I really did.

Alec returned back into the car, his thousand watt smile completely irremovable, and pulled out of the parking lot before I had a chance to change my mind. He didn’t know it yet but I couldn’t have changed it, even if I’d desperately tried to. Because I’d wanted to kiss him moments ago and, for once, I was going to chase that feeling to see exactly where it wanted me to go.