Confusion Girl

Tom chattered away to me about all the crazy gigs they’d done while I let my forehead press against the cool windows. I may have missed the Massachusetts weather but certainly not the fiery heat that traced sweat all along my pale skin.

Familiar sights swam by in a colourful blur that I chose not to acknowledge. It just seemed that nostalgia was always one turn, one corner, one movement away from striking. I couldn’t risk diving too deep within reverie for long anymore; one can only spend so much time reminiscing in old before they must pick themselves up. I’d already done that and now stood at a height I was proud of.

“…But as soon as you called Jo telling him you were coming home we flew straight here from Texas.”

My head shot up abruptly, eyes already sparkling with an alertness they rarely lost. “We?”

“Jo and I. John wanted to come but somebody had to stay with that ray of sunshine.” My breath caught horribly in my throat.

“You didn’t tell him I was coming did you?”

Jo snorted “we’re not that stupid Eliza. Alec remains as oblivious as ever, we just told him we wanted a family visit back here.” It was stupid but I couldn’t help but flinch slightly at the name being spoken out loud.

Yet it was a good thing Alec was being kept in the dark. I didn’t need his attitude conjuring up extra pain. Although, it made me mad to think that this all had to be kept a huge secret as if we were protecting him from anything. Why should I have to be the one sneaking around? It wasn’t like I had ended it or caused it to all come crashing down. I was in the fucking clear so why did I feel like I wasn’t?

The cars brakes screeched loudly, bringing me forcefully back down to earth. “You did want me to drop you here right?” Jo swiveled round in his chair to study my well rehearsed mask.

I peered outside at the ghastly house containing my even ghastlier mother. Did I really have the energy to stay with that woman for longer than a minute? If my 20 years had taught me nothing, it was that Janet wasn’t exactly the easiest person to live with. Vaguely, I wondered how she’d react to find her only daughter standing at the front door after 2 silent years with debts hot on her trails and no plans for the future to boot. My prediction wasn’t pretty.

“Yeah” I smiled in a way I hoped was reassuring before boldly getting out of the car. The two boys followed suit and helped with my luggage which mainly consisted of clothes and books.

“Really Eliza” Jo had taken his sunglasses off so I could see his concerned eyes “we live just a few blocks down. Mum and Dad would be happy to see you again and we always have a spare room.” His offer seemed incredibly tempting but I needed to have some space, space which had always been impossible to find at university.

“Well you have my number” Jo hugged me goodbye “call if you need anything.”

“I’ll try not to abuse that power” I pecked him on the cheek. It was so nice to have this again, to be so utterly normal.

Tom’s arms wrapped around me quickly and he blew the hair out of my face playfully. Giggling at the sensation we said out goodbyes and exchanged numbers. As the car drove off I was too caught up in happiness to notice my heart throbbing with the memory.

Alec Bradshaw just drove off.

“What are you doing here?” were the first words spoken by my mother when she opened the door. I smiled bitterly at this woman who’d barely changed at all. Her hair still fell in thinning whips of white, her skin seemed to glow just as orange and a pink tracksuit adorned her as if the days had never come between us.

“Hello to you too Mum” I grumbled, sweeping past her into the house.

“Keep your voice down” she hissed harshly. I raised a questioning eyebrow. Sure we’d never got along that well but she was just being plain rude now.

“Janet?” a man’s voice called from upstairs followed shortly by a long cry from what was unmistakably a baby! I gaped at Mum, knowing full well what all this meant.

“Oh stop giving me that look Elizabeth Brooke, plenty of women have children at 38. It’s really very common.”

“But… but you never said.”

“You never asked” she retorted.

I choked on disbelief. “Oh yeah, ‘hi there mum, you been having any children recently and getting hitched to some random guy?’ That’s a question that I constantly thought about asking” I cried sarcastically.

“He’s very nice actually Elizabeth so watch your tongue, an old P.E teacher of yours I think.” If I was shocked before it was nothing to the hysteria that shot through me now.

“Ew Mum have you no class? Getting it on with my teacher as soon as I’m out the freakin’ door.” It all made me so angry. To know all this had happened and I’d been forgotten so readily.

“You don’t get to be angry at me Elizabeth Brooke; you were the one who vanished without a trace for two years.”

“And you were the one who told me to go” I spat, throwing my hands up in exasperation, my eyes staring into her deeply. “Well I want to meet my half-sibling and step dad” I seethed and made my way swiftly to the stairs.

“Please don’t.” I paused and turned, hurt that she still wanted to keep this big part of her life from me. No matter what she was still my mother. “My husband doesn’t know that I have a daughter.”

“You never fucking told him? That important fact just slipped your mind?”

“I was nervous I’d scare him off.” Lightly, I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to calm myself down and block out that baby’s screaming. It was okay. Nothing much had changed except for the extra two people in the family. It wasn’t like I’d never lived without her before; I could and would still survive.

“I’ll just go” I turned to grab my luggage and moved to leave. No matter what it still stung like hell. What kind of a mother did this? Just moved on completely and pushed her daughter away as if she were soiled and unfit.

Suddenly, the telephone jumped to life from beside the door and rivaled the baby’s cries for dominance. “That’ll be for you” my mother smiled, something she rarely did, gratefully at me before rushing upstairs to her waiting family. A family I was no longer a part of. I would probably have been more upset if it wasn’t for that shrill fucking telephone begging wildly to be picked up.

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the thing, holding it to my ear demanding “what?”

There was no reply so I made to put it down until a clearly shocked voice asked “Lizz?”

Everything in my entire body froze.