Confusion Girl

It was a glorious day and I was in high spirits. Jo’s parents had given me one of the newest rooms that was only a few months old after their gigantic extension. It was spacious, the bed sitting snugly by the window so I could gaze outside at the busy world for hours, and already felt like home.

My Uncle and Aunt themselves were lovely people who treated me better than my own mother ever had. Uncle Roger would read his newspaper after every dinner so we could be kept up to date on the world’s current events. A murder here. A shooting there. A gang attack. The world’s oldest man finally croaks it. It was all pretty predicatble and depressing but those were the tolerable parts.

The music section was Jo’s favourite part but I would always find ways to discreetly escape the table at these points. There would always be articles about Alec’s on-off romances. Always.

Generally, I wasn’t a jealous person. I took what life, or rather Alec Bradshaw, threw at me and still had the energy to move about my day perfectly fine but those articles tore me apart. The pictures posted beautiful young women who merely made me feel all the more inadequate. I hated the way he still had so much power over me even if he was 100s of miles away.

I was sat in my room reading a book I’d stollen from Aunt Carol’s vast collection of dirty novels. It had been so long since I’d had any real sexual interations that this was my only fix, it wasn’t like I could just have hot passionate sex with groupies...

I shuddered slightly as the hero prepared to sweep his love’s half naked body into his over-muscular arms when Jo’s head poked around my door frame. Blushing, I stuffed the book under my pillow but his smirk told me it was too late.

“Dirty pleasures eh Eliza?” I cringed in embarrassment before turning ominous eyes on my disruptive cousin.

“Jo, if you tell anyone-“

“Tell them what? That Elizabeth-Brooke gets off reading saucy novels?” he practically yelled down the hall. I froze when I heard the various low laughter following.

“Who is here? I swear to God if you’ve just embarrassed me in front of strangers I’ll ring your scrawny neck.”

He chuckled nervously, eyes darting toward me as if to measure how quickly I could make it over to him. “Only the boys.” My mouth stayed close but my eyes screamed at him furiously. The boys? Who on earth did that include?

The next thing I knew I was being tackled to the bed by a beaming John. “Elizabeth!” he shouted excitedly. I bowed slightly under his unexpected weight before hugging firmly back. “Finally someone else who appreciated the fine literature involved in a saucy novel.”

I joined in with everyone else in their laughter, refusing to believe what this so obviously meant. “When did you get here John?” I asked, letting him attack my cheek in kisses.

“A couple of hours ago, I’ve had Alec jabbering at me all night, drive me to the airport and drive at speeds unimaginable to get here. We would have been here a few days ago if Alec could have persuaded our boss to let us go then. Do you know how much caffeine I’be had?” John released me to flash seven fingers.

“You’ve had seven caffeine?” I asked, trying not to laugh at him.

“No, seven cups of coffee.” Then it was no wonder this boy was so hyper, he was usually high enough without all of that stimulant. “But it’s only because Alec wouldn’t even let me sleep. He was so determined to get here as quickly as possible that my rest was sacrifised.”

It had been a few days since that call from Texas and I hadn’t even been able to chase Alec from my mind. Just knowing he was here now made my throat dry and heart skip a beat. Because of course he was here now. John was and so was Jo and Tom. It would be like old times only I’d aquired a broken heart and blond hair since then.

“I’ve got to get out of here” I murmured, licking my lips to get some sensation back into them. The boys parted in understanding although I read the emotion in all their eyes; they didn’t want me to leave just yet. They’d seen how different I was now and they knew it was because of Alec. I’d been so much happier 2 years ago... they just wanted me to be like that again.

I sped along the landing without so much as a backwards glance. I couldn’t be here now. I couldn’t see Alec again. I preferred him 2D and posing and blown up over a roundabout. At least then he didn’t have the ability to thrust my life into turmoil... even though he still managed to from 100’s of miles away.

“Lizz?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. Don’t look back.

But Alec clearly didn’t understand that I was doing my upmost best to ignore him because he persued me all the way down the stairs and along the hallway. “

“Lizz!” He caught hold of my arm in his overly firm grip that I didn’t instantly associate with my old Alec. If it wasn’t for that ghastly nostalgic nick-name I might almost doubt it was really Alec at all.

My entire body stiffened under his touch. Frighteningly familiar feelings swamped every pore, every muscle, every fiber of me. The underlying temptation to wrap myself in him was alarmingly powerful even after all this time. I could feel his eyes searching for my face while I remained obscured from him. Maybe my blonde hair would trick him into walking away.

“There’s no point in playing zombie Lizz, I know it’s you” his voice rung within my head, echoing around old memories. I suppressed the urge to punch him violently in the gut to turn slowly instead. Instantly, I regretted my decision.

It hurt how much better looking he had become – resembling some fallen angel even more now than anybody else ever had. Maybe it was that Alec had blurred my eyes to all other boys, or maybe it was simply that none of them had ever measured up. When had another guy managed to fill me with such intense feelings – even if they were mainly hate?

Those horrifically blue eyes took me in slowly, inching over my skin in careful caresses. It was as if time had slowed down to allow all of that lost time to catch up to us, too bad we would never be like that again.

“You look...” he seemed to be struggling with the words while I tried my best to remain impassive. It shouldn’t matter if Alec didn’t approve of me, he was just some stupid ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago. “...different,” I closed my eyes against his disapproval and cursed myself for being so weak. For allowing this bastard the power to upset me anymore.

My hand yanked the front door handle desperately and it flew open with my strength. I couldn’t stand being near Alec any longer, everything about us being together was so scarily natural. Way too natural.

“Lizz!” Alec cried out to me and, like the weakling I was, I turned. The air was warm still from where I stood halfway out of the door yet shivers ignited with my skin. It was in that moment I saw the realization dawn behind his eyes. He understood that he’d hurt me more than he could comprehend. Everything I’d done, everything I’d become was to simply rebuild my shattered walls. For a split second, Alec Bradshaw saw into my soul and glimpsed at what he had done.

With resolute eyes, I turned and began my circulation of the block. It was long past midnight before I returned to Jo’s house, that was how long it took me to wipe away mascara stains and convince myself that I hated Alec.