Confusion Girl

There’s something about hating your cousin’s band mate that just doesn’t work out well. For one, Alec seemed to permanently be around the house somewhere and I had resorted to locking myself in my room just to avoid him. Second, Jo never had a bad word to say about him which meant I ended up venting to my pillow instead of another human being. Third, I could hear him singing no matter where I hid when they practiced. His heartbreakingly good voice pierced every wall to find me.

But, deep deep down, I knew I still loved him desperately like some kind of pathetic school girl. In my dreams we were together and happy. Reality was such a harsh awakening when I remembered that I had to hate him to keep everything at bay.

“Come on Eliza,” Jo was knocking on my door “come out for tea at least?”

“No.”

“You’re not turning anorexic on me are you?”

“Shut up Jo, you know why I’m in here,” I let out a frustrated groan when he continued to knock.

“Mom made lasagna; come on you can’t resist her lasagna!” Damn, he had me there. Aunt Carol’s lasagna was my absolute favorite dish and the angry gurgle from my stomach already had me unlocking the door.

“I hate you,” I joked when I saw Jo, his brown hair tussled and messy.

“Love you too,” he grinned like the goof he was before leading me down the stairs. “Look everyone, Rapunzel emerges from her tower.” Jo’s announcement had every pair of eyes baring into me as they all sat around the large dining table. I cursed myself inwardly for allowing my hunger to get the better of my resolutions.

“Why Rapunzel, what short hair you have,” Tom smirked playfully, piling a load of salad onto his already overflowing plate. Some things never changed.

“Got bored of waiting for Prince Charming to climb up it,” I shrugged, making sure to avoid eye contact with Alec. Instead I focused on sitting myself down next to John who was smiling like a fool up at me. There was an echo of ‘ooooh’s which passed around the room as everyone else sneaked glances at Alec. I pointedly reached for the lasagna but found it was out of my reach.

“Can someone pass the lasagna?” I asked testily. Already my patience was thin. A pair of strong tanned arms carefully handed it to me. It was then that I made my mistake to meet Alec’s smoldering gaze, feeling my insides shrivel up and burst free all at the same time. “Thanks.” I muttered quickly, taking it from him and breaking away. It didn’t help that the entire table were staring at us two like animals in a zoo.

“So John...” I elbowed him roughly before the boy finally got the long delayed message.

“Nice weather we’re having,” he commented and I couldn’t help but snort through a mouthful.

“Way to break the ice John,” Tom remarked.

“Yeah, I feel like we’re freezing here in this atmosphere and you just failed to help anything,” Jo pitched in.

“Well I’m sorry I’m not some kind of medium psychiatrist,” he rebuked.

“Now now boys,” Aunt Carol smiled fondly at them like they were her extended family “let’s just leave these two alone to make amends by themselves.” I loved her dearly but her idea of subtlety was far far from my own.

“I’m the only one trying,” Alec muttered darkly from where he sat.

I clenched my fork so tight my knuckled faded to white, my teeth crunching down angrily. “You really want to go there Bradshaw?” I questioned dangerously. He flashed me a powerful look which I met with one of my own.

“I’m not the one too locked up in regret to try and resolve this Lizz.”

“Locked up in regret?” I was truly astounded. He thought I was the one living in regret here? Well fuck that, I had moved on. Moved on so well that I found myself sitting across from my ex-boyfriend without any trace of love in my heart. Well... none that I could conjur up past the anger and hurt.

“Yes Lizz, you’re so clearly guilty that you just disappeared for 2 years without so much as a goodbye.”

“You wanted a fucking goodbye? A fucking goodbye after you were the one to tell me that it was over without any excuse except that you were too pussy to face what we had. You actually expected me to go after you and say bye? I may have loved you Alec but I had enough pride not to grovel.”

Everyone around the table was staring at me pale faced with shock. I swallowed the huge lump in my throat to stand up and flee. Up the stairs I bolted back to my haven complete with a door lock which kept out all the fuck ups in my world. As soon as the door was slammed, I slipped down it and settled myself in a broken heap on the floor to stare at my bed. No tears fell. I’d be damned if I let any more tears fall over that boy. No, I was far too angry to even contemplate sadness just yet.

There was no doubt in my mind at that moment. Alec was in denial of all that had passed and if he wanted to live in lies all his life then I would have to give him a rude awakening. There was no way he was allowed to believe that he had been right to leave me. He had to suffer just as much as I had.