Just Dirty

I crept into the washroom, wrapping up my nearly bare body up tighter in my sheets. They dragged behind me on the floor, feeling heavier then they should. I knelt down on my knees over the open toilet bowl, tied a knot in my hair away from my face. I closed my eyes and gagged myself, and felt the familiar, hot, burning sensation in my throat. I choked and struggled to breath as my airway was blocked by my stomach fluids, forcefully being brought up.
When it was all finally out I sat with my back against the cold, tiled wall; my hand searching on the counter above me for a bottle of mouthwash. I was cold but sweating. I let the thin sheet slip off of me, and lie on the floor around my bony hips. My hand soon found a bottle of Scope Mouthwash; I unscrewed the cap and tossed it on the floor, and took a swig of the minty liquid, pulling my lanky body up just far enough to let it drizzle out of my mouth and into the dirty sink, and let my body crash back down onto the floor.
I looked around for something to do, but there was nothing. This washroom was disgusting. There was bits of hair in the sink and tiny globs of toothpaste around the counter. The shower that a little grunginess to it, but wasn’t really filthy. I hastily let my thin, blonde hair down, letting it fall over my face. I pulled my side bangs back from my sweaty forehead, wiped, and then attempted to neatly arrange them again, sans mirror.

“Candy?” I looked up at the boy - Alex - who stood in the door way. His eyes scanned over my naked body, looking more concerned then shocked. “Candy, what is going on?”

I just licked my chapped lips, and wiped them off; probably smearing red lipstick over my face. My lips then pursed together, my eyes looking down at my legs; the first time in my life seeing how grotesquely small they were. I brought my eyes up to him; not very far as he was crouched in front of me, an intent look on his face.

“Here, babe, you are a mess,” he licked his thumb and wiped at the skin under my eyes. He held them in my face when he was done, blackened thumbs.

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could think of to say.

“You need to pull yourself together, Candy. You can’t go on this self-destructive path. I don’t know what I can do to make you see what you are doing. There is barely anything left of you, and it’s getting harder to hold on,” Alex whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my skin. His hands rested on the wall, one hand on either side of my head.

“I know.” It was all I could muster.

“That is what you always say.” I tried to look away but he grabbed my jaw, making me look at him squarely in the face. “Candy, what are you now?” I could see Alex’s eyes get glassy, his jaw tightening; holding back his tears.

“I don’t know. I never have. I’m just a bunch of flaws. That is what I seem to feel like now a days - that I am make up entirely of flaws.” I stopped my ranting for a moment to look up at the boy that I’d loved for so long. His face showed nothing but horror. I swallowed before finishing. “That I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”

Alex just tucked a bit of my hair behind my ear. “I know, babe.” I looked up suddenly at him, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “All your intentions are good. Your flaws make you who you are. Why I love you. Come on and get yourself cleaned up. We’ve got places to go.”

I took in a breath, thinking everything would be okay. Alex held my hand and helped me get up. He left me to do my thing in the washroom; wash my face, apply some eyeliner and mascara. I opted out for red lips, and used a nude lip balm instead. I decided to play up my hair by curling it loosely, making it look airy and light. I re-wrapped myself up in the thin sheet, even though Alex was the only other person in his apartment.

“Finished,” I muttered, going over to our closet, trying to find something to wear. “Where are we going tonight?”

“Honestly, love, I have no idea.”

I smirked a little, and turned away from him. I loved his surprises. Once Alex had gone into the washroom and I could hear the whoosh of the shower I sat down on the bed. I stomach was grumbling and I still felt weak. I stared at our open closet, thinking hard. I pulled out a pair of black sheer tights, holes intricately cut. I pulled on a long off-white tank top and put a turquoise belt around my middle. I layered that with a yellow cardigan, topping it all off with a pair of Tom shoes. I rolled the sleeves of the cardigan up to my elbows and sat on the end of our bed; the quilt neatly tucked in at the corners.

“Heyyy,” Alex said when he walked out of the bathroom, looking me up and down. I could feel blood rushing to my face, knowing that I was as bright as a cherry tomato.

“Shut it, Gaskarth. Are you ready to go?”

“Yea, yea,” he said while buttoning the sleeve on his red flannel plaid shirt. Alex held out an arm for me and I gladly took it. “Lets go, sweetheart.”

And off we went.

- -

Music pulsed through my veins, mixed with adrenaline. I let Alex’s hands roam all over my body; those Red Bull and vodka’s had done their job right. He groped at my thighs and my breasts. And I didn’t try to stop him. His hands ran up the sides of my body, my top riding up above his hands. I bit my bottom lip, silencing what would be a loud moan, when I felt Alex’s fingers skimming the underside of my chest. At this point I would let him to whatever he wanted. I was all his.

I turned to face Alex an dove my mouth into his neck. I put my hands on the back of his neck and pulled him closer. My cardigan was beginning to fall off my shoulders, and hung around my bent elbows. I felt hands messing my hair, tightening themselves into fists around locks. I pressed myself closer to Alex, wishing there wasn’t these layers of clothing between us. I wanted him so bad.

All of a sudden I felt faint. That sickly feeling you get when your head weighs a hundred pounds and you just want to topple over onto the ground. I tightened my already closed eyes and clung onto Alex, hoping to steady myself. My body swayed back and forth a little, stabling when Alex put his hands around my waist.

“Candy, are you feeling alright?” He’d pulled my face away from his neck, our hands in appropriate places. I couldn’t hear what he was saying above the blaring music, but I’m a great lip reader.

“I’ll just be right back!” I shouted, pointing to the washrooms. Alex nodded his head, understanding me, and turned towards the bar as I walked to the back of the club, and into the washroom

I squinted my eyes, the flourescents blinding me. I quickly rushed over to the couch on the opposite wall, falling into it’s vast softness next to another blonde girl. I searched through my bag for a cigarette. Finding one, I stuck it in my mouth and pulled out my lighter. I loved my lighter; I’d had the same one for years, as I could remove the bottom to refill it. I’d taped a black and white photo of James Dean on it, and covered it thickly in tape.

“Nice lighter,” the girl next to me commented. I turned to her and smiled, happy someone else appreciated the greats. “Hey, I’m Kaitlynn, by the way.”

“Candy,” I responded, not making eye contact. That is something I barely do, I guess you can tell. Eye contact. Looking at the floor is easier. They don’t notice the dark circles. I took a deep breath of that sweet smoke before dropping it on the floor and walking out, not bothering to stomp it out.

“Are you going to just leave it like that?” I heard Kaitlynn ask behind me. I looked back, seeing her face for the first time. I smiled; she shared the same feature I was so ashamed of.

“Er, yea,” I said, trying to sound more pleasant, “You wanna come dance?”

“Sure,” she sort of half smiled, got up with more energy then I’d expected and joined me at the door. I gave her a big scissor hug, our thin bodies clinking against each other. “Lets go!” I took her hand and lead her through the club, looking around for Alex.

“Do you see a skinny guy in a red plaid shirt anywhere?” I asked her.

“Nope. He’ll find us. Come on!” Kaitlynn lead me to the centre of the club and started jumping around to the music. I wasn’t really into it, so I grabbed her wrists.

“Whoa,” I said, and pulled her close to me. We swayed back and forth, in time with the bass-laden music. She put her arms on my shoulders, just draping them there and I did the same.

Soon the music was getting heavier and heavier and so were we. The club was packed - random bodies pushed up against us, knocking us closer together. I looked at her and laughed, “Kait, your make-up!” I yelled.

“Wha-at?” she screamed back, smiling and cocking her head to the side, obviously hearing me. I licked my thumb, like Alex did for me and wiped away the stray liner from her face.

I was so close to her that I could feel her breathing, it’s heat hitting my neck. Our eyes soon found each other. Hers looked confident; seductive. I was drawn in. I don’t know how I looked, other then a mess. I was scared. I had a boyfriend and this wasn’t like me.

“Candy! Candy!!” I turned around, ripping myself away from Kaitlynn at the sound of Alex’s voice.

“Alex! Where have you been?” I took his hand, completely physically detaching myself from Kaitlynn. “This is my boyfriend - Alex Gaskarth. Alex, this is Kaitlynn.” I did my best to politely introduce the two in the noisy space.

“Hey!” Alex called out to her before turning her attention back to me, “does she want to come back to the apartment with us? Jack and the guys are going to come over.”

“Yea, sure!” Kaitlynn chimed in before I’d answered. I was beginning to like her less and less, but was being more attracted.

The whole gang of us walked down the dark streets, my arm linked with Alex, the other with Kaitlynn. Alex held onto Jack’s hand whilst the rest of the guys; Rian, Zack, Matt, Vinny and Grieco; trailed around us.

“Whoa!” Shouted Zack when he opened a bottle of beer, foam overflowing. I dropped my cardigan in the closet and turned to walk back into the main room when I saw a thin frame standing in the door way.

“Whatcha doin’?” Kaitlynn asked innocently.

“Just putting away my clothes,” I said, walking towards her.

“Sounds like fun.” Her voice was loud and strong; sexy. She went over to me and Alex’s closet and pulled her shirt over her head, tossing it on the floor. My mouth fell open in an O shape. Her bare back was facing me; I could see her vertabre all the way down her back. That was the think I’d always strived for but could never get.

“Lucky bitch.” I said.

“What did you just call me?” She turned only her head to face me, still unable to see her chest.

“A bitch.”

“Hunny, call me that once more and there will be serious consequences.” she said, this time turning fully towards me. I gasped a little as she slowly walked towards me. Soon her face was inches away from mine, her breasts touching my almost flat chest. “Say it.”

“Hey! Candy - WHOA!” I turned around to see Alex standing in the door way, a beer in one hand, Red Bull mixed with vodka in the other. “What the fuck is going on here?”

I didn’t have an answer. Luckily, Kaitlynn did. “I was just showing Ash here why having and ED is a bad thing. This is how you can turnout.”

“Oh, ok.” Alex set the mixed drink just inside the door before turning around, “you two have fun!” I closed my eyes and walked to the door, completely downing the drink Alex had left for me, pissed that he’d left - forgetting me and Kaitlynn’s earlier conservation.

“Why do you have to be such a bitch?”

“Pardon?” She put her hands on her pant line, walked closer to me as she slowly tugged at them.

“Fuck, never mind,” I waved my hand at her and walked out of the room to find Alex.

“I love you,” I whispered into his ear.

“You, too,” he replied, taking my hand and leading me to the washroom, handing his cup to Grieco just as we walked in.

I wasted no time; I pushed Alex’s chest and he stumbled backwards, falling onto the floor, me soon following him. I attacked his neck, intent on leaving a mark. My hands worked on his belt, button, zipper, cock. Alex moved himself out of reach from my neck, and down to my chest. Sweat formed a layer on my skin, followed by shivers and the first light sensation of Alex’s tongue on my chest was felt, then harder pressing on the under part of my breast.

My tights were off. His pants were off. Our lips attached together, his tongue in my mouth, mine tracing the corners of his mouth. I squinched my eyes together when he came inside of me, and let out a deep breath. I rolled over on the ground, Alex on top of me, his pelvis pushing slowing against me. Soon faster and faster until I felt like screaming.

“I love you, Candy.”

“You, too. You, too,” I panted.

We sat up and looked at each other. “What that crazy bitch, Kaitlynn trying to do dirty things with you?” he asked afer some time of silence.

“Don’t ever call that girl a bitch.”