Don't Remember Me

Sounds of school disgusted me. I hated it. It was too loud. Though I’m sure it made me a hypocrite because I loved my music loud. Maybe because I could hear their mumblings as I passed them at their lockers. The whispers and awkward stares from them haunted me. I could hear their stares speaking to me repeating ‘you’re a freak’. That’s fine. I didn’t care in the least.
Yeah, so I was tall and I wore gory shirts to school with pants that could double as weapons. Which is what the guidance counselor told me when I came into her office for a schedule change. Then I gave her a lecture about how my bare hands were weapons and asked if I should chop them off while taking the chains off my pants. Of course, she explained that she only meant metal objects. So I rolled my eyes at her and told her if I had to leave my chains, she’d have to get rid of all paperclips, scissors, and pens. Not to mention, I went on to explain that computer cables were especially dangerous. Before she got in another word, I told her she’d have to change the school dress code to illegalize shoelaces.
She was pissed that she had just been told by junior that’s twenty years younger than her. And she wasn’t able to throw back any witty comebacks. So what did she do? She threw me out of her office with a referral.
So here I am, in the principal’s office when I could be in the cafeteria with my friends.
“What can I do for you today?” He asked from his desk. I held out the referral to him and took a seat in the chair facing him.
I wasn’t a trouble maker. I swear. It’s just that that bitch was fucking annoying. “Mouthing off? We’ve never had trouble with you… Daemyn.” See? I’m not lying; he didn’t even know my name before today. “Can you tell me what you said?”
At least he’s not being a complete dick about it. “She told me that I should change out of my pants before I go of a murderous rampage with them. So basically, I calmly explained how dangerous computer cables could be.” I said, smoothly.
He did something I wasn’t sure he was capable of doing. He laughed. He thought it was funny. He didn’t realize I was being serious.
“I think she may have overreacted a bit so you can go ahead to lunch.” He said.
Gladly. I thought bitterly, hating the fact that I’d wasted my time thanks to that skank of a guidance counselor.
“Daemyn! Where were you?” Nia asks from her seat. She was a tiny girl with light brown hair and a birthmark just below her eye. Her eyeliner was always drawn in different patterns with the swirls forming a complicated flower pattern or a simple thorny line from the corner of her eye. All the guys in my ‘group’ wanted her.
And one girl who was bisexual. Laura always said that ‘one day she’d turn her’. I kind of doubted it though. Nia was permanently straight; I was sure about that.
“Guidance counselor didn’t like my pants. I gave her the ‘everything’s a weapon’ speech.” I answered, taking a seat next to my best friend, Hayden.
Hayden laughed at that. Hayden knew that speech; it was the same one I’d given his mom right in front of him.
“And she sent you to the principal?” He asked. I nodded as I stole some of his chips. I was the only one he really talked to.
It had taken me so long to get to the status of his best friend. It took forever to get him to open up.
Then he leaned closer to me. I mentally tensed, not wanting to slip. Every movement he made around me was a landmine. And I was careful, so very careful, not to touch him. “Did you write anymore?” He asked. It was a secret from everyone that I wrote anything at all.
But every word I wrote was a secret code to him. It was all tribute to him. It was risky, but he ignored it anyways. He didn’t understand my code words the signals that I tried to send him through my writing. I wanted him to know; I didn’t want him to know that I wanted him. I wanted him to realize every word I wrote was for him.
Every book I’ve read has always screamed not to fall for your best friend. I already fucked that up. Chances are, they don’t love you back except for those happy ending books. Especially if you’re both guys. Maybe I should read those happy ending books. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking pessimistic all the time.
It made me want to tear my hair out. Being so fucking close to him and not being able to tell him. Keeping a safe distance, but trying to keep close enough so that they don’t knock you down a few levels in their heart was straining to say the least.
I was a coward, I knew that.
“Nah, no time. Dad’s keeping an eye on me so I study for my finals.” I said. It was the truth. My parents wanted me to get into a good college and for that I needed good grades.
“Aw man… I wanna know what happens next though!” He whined. I hated when he wasn’t happy and it was my fault.
“Listen, I’ll write it tonight, okay?” I tried to cheer him up. His green eyes lit up under his platinum, bleached hair. The same hair that had an under layer of black. I forgot what his real hair color was because he’d been coloring it for so long.
It was like walking on eggshells around him. I had to make sure I didn’t look at him too long, make sure I didn’t touch him, make sure I didn’t say anything that’d convey my real feelings. Everything about this had to be in check or else I’d fuck everything up.
And I wanted to forget this… whatever it was. I wanted these feelings to disappear and vanish. I tried going out with other people, girls and guys. But no matter what, none of them compared to my best friend. And I hated that they took any of my attention away from him so I’d dump them in a few weeks to a month. None of my relationships outweighed the importance I had on his friendship.
But I kept trying to date other people to make any love I felt for Hayden to disappear. I hated myself for loving him.
Hated myself because I was willing to give up anything for his happiness even if what I gave up was he, himself. It was hopeless.

As we had planned, Hayden had come over to my house so we could play some reckless fighting game. We both loved video games and anime. Those were a few reasons that we were able to talk so easily with each other.
“Damn it! You fucking cheated!” He yelled in mock fury. We both knew he was just kidding. Especially because he burst into laughter. He set the controller down and I shut off the console.
I was so used to being careful around him that I wasn’t so afraid of doing something I’d regret when we were alone. Besides, it’s not like I’m an animal.
“So, how’re you and Ryan doing anyways?” He asked. Of course, like all the others, it had ended with the excuse, ‘Sorry, but I can’t love you’. Which was true. I was incapable of loving anyone other than Hayden.
“Dumped him.” I said bluntly. Hayden knew I was bisexual and he didn’t really mind. As for him, he was straight
“Was he clingy or something?” He stood up and headed to my computer. I rolled my eyes at him. He didn’t have internet so he was always instantly attracted to my computer.
“Yeah, sure.” I said, wanting to get off the subject.
He took the hint. “Do you like Nia?” He asked suddenly.
“No.” I answered without hesitation.
“Oh, good.” He smiled up at me. Great. I knew that look.
“Do you?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“Well, yeah. I mean, she’s cute, how could you not?” I expected something like that. And again, I wanted his happiness so bad. Too badly… I wanted it more than I should have.
“Want me to try and hook you up with her?” I asked, not daring to meet his eyes. The eyes that I wanted to belong to me.
“S=Seriously? You think she’d go out with me?” He asked, giving me a smile that I honestly couldn’t refuse.
“Yeah, sure.” I answered. But my insides felt all twisted and disgusted at myself.
I was a lot closer to Nia than he was so it’d be easy to talk to her. “Man, I don’t know what I’d do without you!” He exclaimed, ecstatic that he was going to get the girl he wanted.
Yeah, me either…, I thought.
“I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”
“Sweet, man. Well, I’m gonna head home now, you know how my mom worries.” He said, gathering up a stack of papers in his arms. Those were the parts of the next chapter I had written.
I laid back in my bed as he disappeared through the doorway.
Yeah, I’d always be close to him, but not in the way I wanted to be. It was fucking hopeless.