The August Project

Why the fuck were there moving vans in front of my house? No one ever moves around here, in or out. Why in the world would anyone be moving here of all places?

I waited on my front porch to try and catch a glimpse of one of the new home owners but all I saw were big burly men carrying in their furniture. Still, worth watching.

But I wanted to see my new neighbors more than watch a couple bears haul sofas all day, so I went into my backyard to try and peek through their windows. Boyfriend calls it snooping but I call it research. I looked up to the second story windows and saw the face of a girl, probably around my age, but she turned away too quickly for me to wave!

So naturally I did what I always love doing when I don’t know what else to do; I called Boyfriend.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hey Boyfriend!” I replied.

“You know sometimes I regret letting that word slip into your vocabulary,” he told me.

“Oh hush, sweet cheeks. You’ll never guess what’s going on here, love. I’ve got new neighbors.”

“You mean someone’s actually moving in to that old house next to yours?"

“No, I’ve got raccoons.”

“Wha-"

“Of course, silly! There are going to be real live people living right beside me! Oh but that’s only the half of it! They’ve got a teenager, a girl, so you just know we’ve got to take her under our wing and become her BFF’s.”

“Sounds like you’ve finally found your summer project,” he stated. “Well what’s she like then?”

“I only saw her through, the windows, you know, research,” I could practically hear him rolling his eyes. “But, oh wait, she’s on the porch in the rocking chair. She’s working on something…embroidery or…or sewing, I can’t quite tell. Oh, Moses, she’s dressed like a mormon!”

“What do you mean? What’s she wearing?”

“A frock. An honest to goodness, bona fide frock! Well, it’s just past the knee and it’s got a swoop neck, but I’d still call it a frock. And she’s also got on a short sleeved cardigan. Did no one tell her that cardigans are so last fall?!”

“Jed calm down.” He was laughing at me now. Just because he won’t let me dress him doesn’t mean he can take the fun away from helping other people out of fashion crises. Stacy and Clinton would be so proud. “So she’s a little conservative, doesn’t mean she’s a bible-thumping sheltered little church girl does it?”

“Well then how do you explain all the little crucifixes and Holy knickknacks they’ve got then, huh?”

“Jed, honey, were you snooping again?”

“Research!” I shouted. “I was watching the movers bring their stuff into the house.

“Damn. So maybe they are really mormons.” Then he asked, “What are you wearing?”

“Anthony, this is no time to get kinky,” I scolded him.

“No, no. It’s just that you can’t go being her best friend if her first impression is of you in booty shorts and a tank top.” Oh how well he knows me.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll change into something more conservative. You just better get your yummy little ass over here. I can’t do this alone.”

“Alright,” he agreed. “See you soon.”

--

As soon as Boyfriend got to my house I took him to my kitchen window to show him our August project.

“So that’s her?” he said and I nodded. “She’s kind of foxy in a Lizzie McGuire meets Ellen Degeneres kind of way.”

I smacked his shoulder. “How can you say that? I’m right here! And besides, that is the strangest celebrity combination I’ve ever heard.”

“Don’t worry babe,” he said and kissed me. “She’s not my type.”

“She better not be. Else you’d have some major explaining to do. Now come on.” I took his hand and led him out into the yard. Church girl didn’t notice us so I pulled him down by the picket fence so she couldn’t see us.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

“I don’t want to be seen yet. Besides, don’t you feel much more stealth this way? It’s like you’re Captain Jack and I’m your dashing sidekick Ianto and after we touch base with the alien life-form we can head back to the hub and have a shag.”

“Ugh, you’ve been watching way too much Torchwood lately. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear a British accent come out of your face one of these days. And church girl over there is not an alien life-form.”

“Honey, around these parts, she definitely is. But besides being on a super awesome stealth mission, I need to think about what I’m going to say. If she’s going to be our guinea pig then we need to make a fabulous first impression!”

“You really should flip your hair whenever you say that.”

“What, fabulous?” I said, flipping my invisible tresses over my shoulder.

“Yeah, just like that,” he said, his hands coming up to play with my hair

“Boyfriend, stop, she’ll see.”

But he kept his hands on my neck, making me giggle so he kissed me to make me stop.

“Is someone there?”

“Oh shit!” I hissed. “See, she heard us.”

“Well the least you could do is answer her,” Boyfriend whispered back.

“Puh-huh! No way, you started it, you answer her.”

“Okay,” he whispered. Then, from his crouching position behind the fence, he shouted to church girl, “Are you knitting?”

Let me tell you, that really freaked her freak. She began looking around the yard frantically, trying to locate the source of the voice. Finding none, she said, “Who’s there? God, is that you? Uh, yeah. Erm, do you like it?" she asked questioningly and a little bit confused, holding her work up in the air, for ‘the Lord’ to see.

“Oh my gosh! Boyfriend! You’ve got her speaking to the air, la! We need to show ourselves. Come on Captain Jack!” I pulled him up so just our heads could be seen over the top of the picket fence. Church girl nearly fell out of her chair.

“H-hello,” she said. “Are you the ones who spoke to me?”

“Yes dear, that was me,” Anthony said, raising his hand.

“Oh,” she said. Then she got up from her chair and began to walk over to us. We stood up, so as to make a better, and not to mention taller, first impression.

“Hello,” she said, extending her hand for a handshake. Anthony took it first and she said, “I’m Delilah.”

“I’m Anthony,” he told her.

She shook my hand and I said, “I’m Jerome, I live next door,” I told her, pointing to my house lamely. “You can call me Jed though, everyone does.”

“Jed? Like Jedidiah? "Jed? Like Jedidiah? Oh, are you Christian, too?" she asked, smiling sweetly, if not a bit nervously.

“Um, no, not really, sorry,” I replied.

“Oh.”

“Delilah!” came a voice from her house. There was a man standing in her doorway, beckoning her over.

“I have to go,” she told us. “It was very nice to meet you both, but I have to go help make dinner”

“Oh, okay, sure, that’s great. I guess we’ll see you around then,” I said.

“Goodbye,” she said, turning around.

We stood there for a moment, processing, until Boyfrined said, “That’s your project?! Man Jed, you sure as hell have your work cut out for you on this one.”

“Tell me about it.”