As You Wish

Dodging pain was the most difficult thing a person could do. It couldn’t be done; it didn’t matter how hard a person can try it just couldn’t be done. Depression wasn’t something I was in to, but it seemed to be the ruler of my life lately. Not to forget to mention, a mistake that I caused, it messed up almost everything good that was about to happen. I was about to get him, I was about to be happy.

A few days had passed, the tension in the air wasn’t strong as it once was, but there still wasn’t words being exchanged between John and me. John didn’t really speak to Kennedy, which made the feeling in my stomach ten times worst. Kennedy keeping to his word was next to me when I needed him.

For the days that had passed the only place I was in, was in the restroom of my hotel room. I was throwing up a lot and I was feeling exhausted as well. Sitting of the foot of my bed, my head lowered slightly, my eyes closed.

“So for the last days you’ve been throwing up almost all the time, and you’re tired. I mean the only thing that comes to my head is that you’re knocked up…” Dana said sitting to next me.

“Getting pregnant is the last thing on my mind, and I’m not… there’s no way I am.”

“Kennedy…”

“No me and Kennedy didn’t do anything, okay? I don’t even think of him in that way…” I said and opened my eyes, the thought of seeing Kennedy in a sexual way, just shook me up.

The knocked at the door took me out of my disturbed thoughts; I took a shaky breath, before looking over to the door that Dana had just open revealing the person. John.

“Is she going to work today? I’ve noticed she’s been… sick…” John said in a calm voice, his eyes remaining on Dana.

“Yeah she’s pregnant…” Dana said straight out, causing me to jump to my feet and rush over there.

“Dana… I’m NOT pregnant, I’m serious. Stop spreading rumors that aren’t even true…” I said with a shaky voice.

“Ella calm down I was only kidding…”

“Well then what explains why you’re sick?” John then asked me, finally making eye contact.

“Food poisoning… It’s nasty…” I said and made a face holding my stomach.

“Oh… that sucks. So you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, after some rest, I’ll be okay…” I said trying my best to reassure him, now knowing what was wrong, food poisoning wasn’t the case. Closing the door quickly and walked more into the room, I turned to Dana, her expression confused.

“I know what’s wrong, but you have to promise me, you won’t tell anyone, not even John. Especially John, I don’t want him to get all freaked out.” I said getting my shoes on.
“Ella what’s going on?” Dana said stepping closer to me, her expression now worried.

“Just another step to my cancer…” I whispered and looked at her, taking in a bit of air.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Well… I don’t know… I’m going to the hospital now… you know get it now before it get worst. Just tell them, I’m resting…”

“Ella…” Dana’s voice cracking as she spoke.

“No, don’t cry okay? I don’t think I can handle it…” I told her and give her a quick hug.

Leaving the hotel with the shortest good bye, I headed for the nearest hospital, explaining my illness and explaining what had been happening the last few days, I couldn’t have been put into a room any quicker than I would have thought.

The paleness of the room was bringing back memories of being in the hospital. Its like I never got out of the hospital in the first place, the only thing was new were the nurses and doctors. I laid there motionless, the covers to my chest, my arm fully out for the IV. I felt weak and really tired, my heavy eyes closing and opening. Finally losing to my eyes I closed them, I was out.

The following morning, I woke up in the same spot. Slowly getting onto my back, I licked my dry lips and opened my eyes. In my view sitting in the chair next to my bed was John, his face not and but showing that he was mad. I slowly sat up a little weakly, leveling the bed to my comfort, I looked at him.

“When were you going to tell me that you were in the hospital Ella? Why couldn’t Dana tell me?” John’s voice firm, he leaned forward, resting his arms on my bed, staring at me.

His eyes staring into mine, I looked away quickly and down at my hands. “I just didn’t want you to get worried and not do your set. I just didn’t want you to mess up on stage because of me… I didn’t want you thinking about me…”

“You know how worried I was when I found out you weren’t in your room last night? I was going crazy Ella, I yelled Dana to tell me where you went off. And hoping she would have said to a club or with Kennedy would have made it less stressful. But she said hospital. Ella… you can’t be back to this, you were doing so well…”

“I told you that it changes, that I’ll look fine one minute and then like this the next time. I warned you John, I’m sorry I brought you into this, I’m sorry okay? If you can’t handle this then just leave…” My voice demanding, my eyes finally staring into his.

“Why are you pushing me Ella? What are you scared of? Why won’t you let me into your damn life?” John said standing up, he looked down at me.

“Because John just look at me, You don’t need to worry about me. I’m just a heavy weight on your shoulders.” I said feeling the tears built up.

“I don’t think that about you at all! There’s more than just the scare of cancer. I don’t know how many more ways I could put that I’m here for you, that… everything… I’ve done almost everything to prove that I care for you, that I even love you.” John said and fixed the falling bangs that went into his face. “Just to let you know, I’m walking out of here because I’m hurt… more than I would have ever thought. I made myself believe a lie that you and me would even be together. I’m not leaving because you have cancer…” He continued, heading for the door.

Hearing John’s words were stabbing in every way, I took a shaky breath and swallowed hard, the few tears sliding down my cheeks. The pain that was now rushing through out my body caused me to gasp in pain. “John…”I whispered and looked at him. “I need you… okay?” I said before laying down.

“Ella… I can’t…”

“I’m begging you…” I said pushing the button for the nurse repeatedly. Moments later the nurse came in, seeing the pain I was in, she left and came back with the shot that I knew to well. She gave it to me and then left, watching as John kept his grounds at the door, the tears raced down my cheeks.

With one swift moved, he walked out of the door. I swallowed hard and let the tears just rush out of my eyes as my hand covered my eyes. I probably cried myself to sleep, not really remembering anything. I must have slept my day away, my next wake up there was an arm around my waist, and I stared at it.

I looked over my shoulder sighing of relief to see John laying there. Looking at my arm that was no longer connected to the IV, I slowly turned in his hold. Watching him moved a little before he slowly opened his eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asked in a tired tone, he slowly made his grip tighter around my waist.

“I’m fine… What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t walk out on you, I watched you cry and then you fell asleep. It hurt to see you like that…”

“I’m sorry John, I didn’t mean to hurt you I swear. I just want you to know that… that I do… love you…”

“I sort of figured that out yesterday…”

Taking in a bit of air and just resting my head against his chest, I closed my eyes, being in his hold I just felt safe for once in my life, I felt like the cancer wouldn’t get the chance to hurt me more if John was at my side.