As You Wish

Being on tour always meant that one was on the move, and that day was here where they would be moving on to another city. It was another moment where I had to say goodbye to him. As I laid there staring down at my pale hands, I swallowed hard since John was spilling away every time I got close.

“Ella! What are you doing still in bed?!” John’s voice ring through the quiet room, I knew he was smiling, I knew that it was wide. “Today is a new city, new people, new venue! I’m excited here, Am I not making it obvious? Ella finally everything seems so clean to me…”

Looking up to John was hard, I looked over his face slowly watching him be happy about going to this new venue, I would be happy too. I pointed to the chair that was placed next to my bed, my hand was shaky, and I sighed deeply. John happily made his way towards the chair, the smile not leaving his face for one second.

“John… you better call me when you get to the next venue, I don’t want anything happening to you…” I said slowly, I slowly looked down to my lap.

“Why would anything happen to me?” he asked with a slight laugh. “And why should I call you? Are you going to ride with the other band in their bus or something? Its being pretty ridiculous to do that… we’re going to get there the same time…”

“Listen to me; call me when you get there…” I said looking up and into his eyes which still held happiness in them.

“No you listen to me… why would I call you if you’re… going…” John had started the smile leaving his face at slow pace, seeming like he just got what I was saying. “You’re not leaving with us…”

I sighed deeply and swallowed hard, planning on saying that I was going, but knowing I was lying to him if I did. “I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t say that! Ella you’re leaving with us, everything was going to fall into place! We were finally going to be something then just friends! What am I going to do now? I can’t go on without you; I need you there just like you need me there!” John rumbled on, he got off the chair quickly starting to pace.

I reached out weakly and wrapped my fingers around his hand; I pulled him towards the bed and got him to sit with some slight trouble. “You can do it; you’ve been doing it without me. It’ll be the same thing, you just go out and give to your fans, and don’t you dare think about bailing on them for one second John…”

“Oh what do you know? You’re just a girl….” He said with a sad sigh, he stared before slowly pulling me into a careful hug.

Laughing slightly at the line he had just said, I wrapped my arms around him slowly and closed my eyes. “Regardless John.” I whispered and as my head rested on his shoulder.

“Am I ever going to get that time with you that would be forever? Where no drama or you’re cancer getting in the way or something? Why is that my time with you doesn’t last? It’s like it’s always limited…” he asked me, his hand rubbing my back.

“Some day John, but you can’t stop time… just be glad we got to have time with each other… even with the drama…” I said as my head slowly lifted of his shoulder, I looked over his face slowly.

“What’s going to happen to you then? Are you just going to be in this damn room until you’re better?” he asked, his hand still moving slowly along my back.

“Well until I get strong enough to get home. I don’t think better is even opinion now…”

“You’re not going to die… it’s not you’re time, you’re dying at an old age…”

“Sounds nice… are you all packed?”

John looked at me and rolled his eyes, he slowly let go of me before getting to his feet. He stood next to my bed and crossed his arms. “Way to kill the moment Ella, don’t you see I don’t want you to stay here while I’m out there enjoying my life…”

“I can’t do anything about that John; I’m not going to stop you from what you’re meant to do! I had my time to enjoy my life and I don’t regret a thing about it. Its that time again where I have to deal with my cancer… the thing that’s slowing me down… so just go on and enjoy your health!” I sort of just yelled at him.

“You can’t just give up and say you’re going to die… you’re not… you have to look on the bright side of this!”

“Can’t you see there isn’t a bight side of this John?! I’m not getting better, I’m not getting out of any hospital, this is where I’m going to live… this is how I’m going to spend my life with you at my side or not. I’m dying… get over the fact that I’m dying…” I told him as I stared at the blanket, my eyes gaining tears.

How could I have the guts to yell at John about me dying, when I don’t even believe myself? I didn’t want to believe, I didn’t want to just die with the short life I had gotten. I looked up at John who just was showing just as much pain as I was feeling, his eyes also just watery.

“How do you expect me to go on with that fucking thought in my head? Ella… I don’t want to believe that bullshit you’re giving me!” He said with a small sniff before he planted himself on the chair, his shoulders low.

“Its not bullshit, it’s just the truth. We both have to believe that I’m just dying slowly. There’s a reason why we can’t stay together for a long time, you’re on tour… and this cancer is getting either worst or just bad…” I whispered to him sadly.

“I don’t want to leave you like this…” he whispered back.

“Then don’t leave me like this… leave feeling like you’re just leaving for a short period of time… and not forever…”

I looked over to John finally, his eyes already on me. I slowly reached out to him, he got up and sat down on the bed next to me, where I wrapped my arms around him and sighed deeply, trying my best not to let another tear out.

“I’ll come back to you… I swear I will…” he had made his promise to me as he held me close to him, just holding a little tight.

“You better…” I whispered to him.

“I will…”

“Good…”

“I love you…”

“I love you too…” I whispered to him and gripped onto him tightly, I looked up at him with sad eyes, knowing it wouldn’t be wise for me to even show more emotion, I know it was already hard for him, I didn’t want it harder.

John slowly leaned in slowly resting his lips upon mine, feeling his lips just give me the slightest hope I was looking for, I rest my hand on his neck, before we had slowly kissed, not lasting long, but it was enough to show the passion that was formed.

The day was spent just holding him, giving him any kind of inspiration in words so he could do well on his own. I knew I couldn’t be too attached to John, but it’s not like he’s leaving forever.

Kennedy had made his appearance to his goodbye to me, of course it wasn’t that hard, a few hugs were giving before he had left and then it was Dana who just made it ten times harder, I was never good with crying, so this push me out of my comfort zone. Sure enough we made it through the goodbye.

Lastly it was John’s turn, he gotten off my bed his hand still in mine, I stared at our hands before staring up and into his eyes. I swallowed hard, before licking my dry lips and sighing deeply.

“We both knew this was coming, so we can’t act like we’re shocked or anything…” John said as his thumb moved over my hand.

“Shock isn’t the emotion I’m feeling…”

“Me either… but anyways… I’ll call you once I’m there and then I’ll call when ever I can… so don’t get annoyed if it’s all the time…” John stated as a small smile grew among his lips.

“I won’t, I don’t mind talking to you, you know that…”

“And that I do…”

“Just don’t go and find another girl with cancer and fall in love with her…”

“And replace you I don’t think so…”

“Good, so… I guess I’ll see you later than…” I said slowly before looking over his face, not wanting to forget it.

“This isn’t a goodbye more of see you later kind of thing…”

“Well it’s a good thing I said I’ll see you later…”

John laughed slightly before slowly sitting on the bed and giving me a hug; I hugged him back tightly and sighed deeply. I buried my face in his neck and closed my eyes for a while before we both pulled away and give the last kiss that would be shared.

John rested his forehead against mine, his lips lingered over mine. “Don’t give up on me… if worst comes then just hand in there please… I want more of your time…”

“Promise…” I whispered to him and closed my eyes. I kissed him softly before he had gotten up. I opened my eyes. “I love you…”

“I love you too… Bye Ella…” He said before kissing my forehead, he looked over my face and rested his hand on my cheek before he turned and had made his way out of the room.

I slowly closed my eyes and slowly leaned back. I sighed deeply feeling the worst, who knew that John wouldn’t ever cause me to fall over hills for him.