As You Wish

I was woken up in the middle of the night by John, all I was told was that I should get my shoes on. I listened without any questions; I was too tired to even care at the point. I have been overly tired for the last couple of days; I knew what the cause was. But I wasn’t about to mention it to John, not now.

I was led down the stairs of my house, John’s arm around me for support, I leaned against him. Once we got outside the night breeze hit me quickly, sending a bad chill down my spine. I got into the passenger seat of John’s car and put my seatbelt on tiredly. Once we were moving, I fell asleep quickly.

The next moment I was waking up, I took a deep breath and smiled slightly since I was in his hold. I slowly turned in his arm and opened my eyes; I looked over his face and then looked around the unknown room.

Hotel room, I sat up and pushed John’s arm away, I got up quickly and walked over to window pushing the curtains open slightly. The strip of Las Vegas had come into my view. I held onto my head and then looked over to sleeping John.

I rushed over to the bed and threw my body onto his; I straddle his waist and put my hands on his chest. He snapped his eyes open and groaned, he stared up at me with a confused expression and rubbed his eyes.

“John O’Callaghan why on earth are we in damn Vegas?!” I asked and took a deep breath. I stared at him in a little shock.

“Surprise!!” He yelled out tiredly, he slowly sat up, keeping me in my spot.

“There’s no surprise here John. Why are we here?” I asked him, my eyes not leaving his face.

“Remember my little out burst before, I was like… Let’s get married, ramble, ramble…”

“I’ve never said yes John…”

“Well I gave you some time, so I figured I’ll bring you here so you can think better…”

I looked at him, his face remained serious. I looked down for while and covered my face up.
I slowly got off his lap and sat next to him. “John, you don’t have a ring… I don’t want one that you bought in 2 minutes I want you to spend time on it…” I said as I looked up at him. I never knew I could be so picky on a ring.

John got off the bed, from what I sense I think I hurt his feelings. I swallowed hard and watched him closely; he made his way to his suitcase. He walked back to me and had gotten down on one knee.

“Ella, trust me on this. It did take me while to find this ring, I even got Kennedy’s advice on this. So I know that I’m ready for this. Will you marry me?” He asked softly, making eye contact with me.

I looked over his face and swallowed hard, so I was wrong I didn’t hurt him. “Yes…” I answered in a shaky voice. John gotten my hand and slid the ring on my finger.

John brought me up to my feet and wrapped his arms around me; I wrapped my arms around his waist and held onto him tightly. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“But John, I don’t want to get married in Vegas. I don’t really like the idea of it.” I stated as I slowly looked up at him, he looked back at me with no answer he planted his lips right onto mine. It took me a while to recover from his lips, I had kissed him back.

I didn’t know how long we stood there, but I pulled away and held onto my head, I weakly sat down on the bed and closed my eyes for a moment. I sighed deeply and bit my bottom lip hard.

“Ella, are you okay?” He asked softly, I felt his hands on my waist.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, he was kneeling down in front of me; I nodded a little and smiled to reassure him that nothing was wrong. “Where should we have the wedding?” I then asked him. I didn’t want him to be worried about me or my cancer.

“I don’t know…” he said slowly and kept his eyes on mine, I was trying not to show any sign that I wasn’t feeling good at the moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine; I’m just a little light headed. No big deal.”

“Your cancer isn’t getting worst, is it?”

“John, please. I don’t know I don’t want to think it is. I’m fine, maybe if get food in me.” I said and looked over his face. “Maybe your kisses are too powerful for me…” I laughed slightly.

John wasn’t laughing; he got to his to feet and walked over to phone quickly. He had ordered some breakfast. I didn’t want this to ruin anything; I didn’t want my cancer to always be in the way of things. Some how it always made an appearance at a good moment, it made John freak out more than he would normally.

I looked down at the ring that was wrapped around my finger, I swallowed hard and then looked back at John as he leaned against the wall, he was no longer on the phone, and he stood perfectly still.

“John…” I whispered and slowly stood up and made my way over to him. “Remember when I told you that there’s always going to be times where my cancer will get the best of me?” I asked him softly and grabbed onto his hand and held it tightly.

“Yeah…” He answered in a very low tone, he slowly made eye contact with me, he didn’t move from his spot.

“Well this just happens to be a moment of my cancer getting to me, and I don’t want you to get freaked out and panic. I do that enough myself and I need you to be strong for me and show me that everything is going to be okay like you usually do. You’re the only one that shows me there’s hope…” I told him softly, I watched his expression sadden as I spoke.

“I know Ella, but I can’t always be strong, it just gets to me. I just think that it’ll take you before I even get the chance to make you fully mine, that we won’t be able to grow old together. I’m strong for you all the time, but it just gets to me… its hard…” John whispered sadly.

Listening to what John had to say, it sent tears to my eyes too quickly. I didn’t want him to give on me after everything he’s been through with me.

“Listen to me John.” I said and put my hands on his cheeks. “Don’t you think like that, don’t you dare think I’m going to die on you. Please, I need you to be happy, I need that smile to keep me strong…” I whispered and felt the tears slid down my cheeks. “Please…” I whispered again and stared into his eyes.

“I’m just scared of losing you Ella.” He barely whispered and slowly let go of hand. He brought me closer to him and held me against him. “Sometimes I forget you have cancer and then something like that happens and then you’re in the hospital and I remember and it kills me. I want you to stay with me forever…”

I listened to John carefully and then pulled away from his hold. I looked into his eyes and swallowed hard. “If you marry me, you’re going to have to deal with that, you’re going to have to make sure I don’t freak out and some how make it worst. You have to prove to me that I’m going to get better, even if its lies John.” I shook my head at where this was leading to. “John, I think this is something I shouldn’t bring you into…”

John’s eyes got big; his face fell into a deep kind of sadness along with a hurt expression. “Ella, it’s hard to be strong when the one I love has to deal with cancer! You show any sign of weakness or you’re hurt because of it of course I’m going to be like this! I can’t just brush it off and just pretend it isn’t bugging me. And I’ve been in this since the day we’ve met, if you didn’t want me to be in your life, why did you say yes to me!?” John spoke his voice rose as he pushed off the wall.

“Because I love you, that’s why I said yes! Every time something great happens to me my fucking cancer kicks in and ruins everything. I’m going to be walking down that isle and its going to kick in, I’m going to be ruined to the hospital and I can’t handle those needles anymore… I can’t handle this anymore.” I said sadly, taking in a bit of air at the end. I walked to the bed and sat down.

My cheeks were being soaked in the tears; I took a shaky breath to calm down. I couldn’t understand why something like cancer could affect my life this much.

“Stop pushing me away from you, you stupid girl.” John said as he walked over to me, he sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap wrapping his arms around me. That was the thing with John, his yelling never lasted. “Every time I get worried about you, you push me away. Ella you have to get use to the fact that someone cares for you, fuck that person even loves you. I’m going to be there for you if you like it or not. If you push me away I’m only going to push back until you finally give up.” John said softly, he rested his head against mine.

“I’m sorry John; I just have to understand that someone is actually caring for me. I thought I was going to have to deal with this alone. And I was preparing for it, but now I’m going to get married…” I whispered and stayed close to him.

“But you have to stop pushing me away Ella, I’m begging you. Don’t let this tear us apart…” John said in a soft, calm tone.

“I won’t, I don’t want this to be the reason why we’re breaking up… But I’m sick of having it…”

“We’re not breaking up for a very long time; it doesn’t even exist to us.” John said softly and didn’t let me go.

I nodded to John; I wiped my cheeks and slowly closed my eyes. But he was right; I had to stop pushing him away when he just wants to be there for me. I hate the fact that I have cancer but then again having cancer was what brought John into my life, but I wasn’t going to thank it. If I had to wish on every star just to get rid of it, I would. If this happened every time I have a moment where the cancer affects me, I don’t know if I can handle it. But I was willing to still strong for as long as I could.