As You Wish

Seeing the house of my parents brought a big smile to my lips, I knew that I didn’t want to be anywhere else but there under that roof. I got out of the car with trouble of course but got help by my sister, I caught her glimpsing at my stomach every now and then, and it sort of made me want to just cover my stomach. She noticed my sudden uncomfortable state and brought me into a hug. The hug that we shared only made me want to be in John’s hold, but that would have to wait.

I was lead by the wrist to my old room; I looked around slowly and felt at home again. I looked over to my mom as she stayed leaned against the door frame with a bright smile, her arms crossed. I couldn’t help but return the smile and walk over and embrace her in a huge hug.

“I missed you so much Ella.” My mom had whispered to me, her hand going along my back in comfort.

“I missed you to mom, I’m sorry for everything.” I said looking at her and tried to stay as close as I could.

“No worries now Hun, you just rest.” She insisted, I nodded to her and placed a kiss on her cheek before heading off to my bed. I sat down on the edge of it and took my shoes off and pushed myself towards the headboard and got under the covers.

++

The days went on slow, they just dragged on. I wanted to be back at the apartment with this baby and John. I only pictured it hundreds of times, now that I knew things were great with my parents I no longer had to worry. I would be welcomed with open arms each time I saw them, I regretted the moment I thought I could handle being on my own with the sickness I had. It was without a doubt the stupidest thing I could have done.

Hearing John’s voice was nice but it wasn’t something that helped me fully, it somehow always killed me a little that I couldn’t see him or touch him. I got a few surprises with packages that he would send with baby stuff filled up inside, it made me smile that I wasn’t the only one baby crazy at the moment.

But there was one surprise I didn’t think would ever happen. John had showed up out of the blue, he had spent only a few days with me and I was thankful for that. My parents and sister had fallen in love with him; he had also fallen in love with them.

++

Now being 9 months pregnant scared me because there were only a few weeks until the baby was actually going to enter this world. I was mostly scared that John wasn’t going to be for it, he promised he would try and make it but it was obviously that he wasn’t going to make it.

I brushed the thought aside as I sat on the rocking chair in my room looking through some old pictures, seeing that it was the only thing that my parents were allowing me to do. Every now and then there would be a sharp pain in my stomach, it was uncomfortable but I managed to get through each pain. But as time went on the pain was getting to the point where I wasn’t able to handle it.

With one shout of pain, I was rushed to the hospital and I was repeatedly thinking that this baby was coming and it was coming early. The thought of having the baby prematurely had brought a stream of tears to roll over my cheeks. Within time I was at the hospital, everything was just happening in a rush.

Luckily I had my mom by my side trying to reassure me that everything would be fine, that the baby wasn’t coming now. I wanted her to promise it, but she never did. The pain increased and the doctor now was ordering nurses to prepare for this baby, I shook my head not believing it. I didn’t want it to happen this way. I had no say on what happened next because it was obvious on what had to be done.

Within that whole hour of problems with the birth, I wished hard that it wasn’t like this but of course my wish wasn’t being granted. After the whole thing I was beyond tired mentally and physically, but my mind wasn’t at ease as it thought about the baby girl that had entered the world. My mom sat at my bed side holding onto my hand tightly as I finally managed to fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up still tired and still down, I looked over to my bed side and saw my mom still there asleep. My eyes roamed the room for any sign of him, but no. I leveled my bed so I was now sitting up a little, my mom moved in her spot and her eyes opened.

“Hey there sweetheart,” she said softly and gave a warm smile; she moved closer to the bed and regained my hand into hers.

She got no reply but a simple blink of an eye; she sighed deeply and held onto my hand tighter. She looked away for a moment before returning them to me. “Ella, maybe you should call John now.” She said.

I made a face at the thought of telling him something as bad as this. I nodded to her and got the hospital phone and dialed his number, once I heard the cheerful hello my eyes got watery.

“Hey John,” I said with a shaky voice and bit down on my bottom lip not wanting to break down.

“Ella, babe, what’s wrong?” he asked in a worried tone.

“Yesterday the baby was born; it’s a baby girl…” I answered feeling the tears slip.

John went quiet for a second. “But isn’t she early?” He then questioned confused.

“A few weeks early,”

“How the fuck did that happen Ella? What went wrong that she had to be born so fucking early?” He asked sounding mad, his voice was also shaky.

“I don’t know John, I honestly don’t know.” I answered and let a small sob out.

“Well is she… alive?” He asked slowly, sounding like it was killing him to ask that.

“I don’t know but I’m pretty sure she is or else they would have told me already that she didn’t make it.”

“Well find out! Stop saying I don’t know because it isn’t helping me any!” he yelled.

“You wouldn’t be all wondering if you were right here with me John, you would know and not be yelling at me!”

“Now this is all my fucking my fault?” John said with the same shaky voice that got my sobs to increase more, I took a shaky breath in attempt to calm down but that failed miserably.

“I’m not blaming you,” I managed to say before it could get any worst I just hung up on him. I covered up my face and cried into my hands. I felt arms around me and knew they belonged to my mom. I leaned against her and took in any kind of comfort she was offering.

Once I was somewhat better, I demanded that I wanted to see my daughter. With the way I was feeling I didn’t care, I just wanted to see her. They brought a wheel chair for me and I managed to get on it, my mom pushed me as the nurse led the way. We all walked in silences even the people who passed us were quiet, not even whispers.

We approached a room finally; I looked up at my mom who was already crying I looked away not being able to handle seeing her like that. I looked around the room slowly seeing a few other babies probably dealing with the same problem as my own daughter. I pushed up to a baby crib of some where, her being in a case thing, killed me.

I stood up with shaky legs and looked into it seeing her very small body lay there almost looking lifeless but I was reassured that she was alive by seeing her small chest moving up and down. I covered my mouth and closed my eyes scared for her life.