The Young and Lost Club
011
There are times when New York can seem like heaven on earth, and there are times it can be your own personal hell. Usually I love the city, I loved the people, and the bustle, and the constant movement. It reminds you that there is always something going on; the city is constantly moving and changing and it’s amazing. It’s so different from Maryland. My hometown, where stoplights turn off at 9pm, and driving home at 1am is eerie because of lack of movement.
I loved Maryland too, I still love it. I love how clean the air is, I love how peaceful it is, I love how you have the mountains and the ocean and cities all in one state. At one point, I thought I’d never leave Maryland, to be honest, but the problem with it was that in Maryland, people knew who I was. It was “oh that’s Clark Abrams, the girl who lost her mother, whose father had a scandalous affair, who parties and moves too fast.” New York offered a sanctuary. In New York, no one knew me. I was a stranger, I could be whoever the hell I wanted. And I found total comfort in that.
But tonight, the city was terrifying. I was wandering around, not even bothering to keep track of where I was. A dangerous thing to do, no doubt, but I suppose I didn’t care if I got robbed or mugged or whatever. The buildings felt overbearing, I felt trapped, there were too many people, too many cars, just…too much. I longed for Maryland. I longed for the front porch of my old house, where it overlooked a simple suburban street, where you could see rolling green hills all around. Maryland seemed clean, and safe, whereas New York tonight felt dirty and overwhelming.
I was wandering because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had just told Brendon Urie that I didn’t want to see him anymore, I had just personally severed 5 possible friendships, I had just severed one possible (and possibly incredible) relationship, and for what?
Because I was refusing to let myself be what I truly was: scared, scarred, ruined, lonely. I was such a coward. I was such a pushover. I was such…an idiot. When did I start to care what Max said? I know he was trying to protect me, but he didn’t know Brendon. I could hardly claim that I knew him either, having only been aware of his existence for two weeks, but…I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was something about him that was making me think it was worth the risk. That maybe, just maybe, I should swallow my pride, and my fear, and just try. For once, just let myself try.
It was a sudden epiphany, and it came about an hour too late. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Angry with myself, I glanced up at the street corner and took in my location. I wasn’t far from Brendon’s hotel, and without thinking, I found my feet walking in the direction towards it. Six blocks down, I was in front of it.
There was a great probability that he wasn’t inside, hell, I didn’t even know his room number, and I had no plan, but just being there was comforting. I sat down on the bench by the building, the one facing the windows and I sat there and stared up at them, feeling more isolated than ever.
I choked on the air in my mouth, and started crying again, Brendon’s words echoing in my head: “You’re on the verge of a breakdown, aren’t you?” I was, I absolutely was.
Numbly, my hands found my phone in my pocket, and they searched out his name and pressed call before I could figure out what I was even calling to say. He picked up after the fourth ring. “I don’t think there’s much else to say, Clark.” He spat harshly. I winced, I hated hearing him talk like that. He was such a happy person normally, happier than most people anyway. His voice always had an edge of laughter in it, like everything was a joke, but only he knew the punch line. “Unless you called to push the point even further?”
I started laughing. I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person. “I’m outside your hotel, I don’t even know why.” I said, and suddenly my maniacal laughter turned to sobs.
“Clark?” His voice softened. He was too nice.
“Can you just come out and talk to me?” I begged.
“Give me two seconds.” He said, and the line went dead.
He arrived outside, glancing around and then spotting me on the bench. He was in tight jeans and the plaid button down from earlier, but he had a hoodie zipped up from the cold. Why did he have to look so adorable, when I’m sure I looked like I’d been hit by a train?
He stood in front of me for a minute. “Hi,” he said finally.
I couldn’t look at him again, this time from shame though. “Hi,” I whispered, glancing down the street. He sat down next to me, and to my surprise, he reached over and took my hand. It twitched in his touch, so he put his other hand on it too.
I choked again. “You must think I’m crazy,” I said finally. “I’m acting crazy.” I ran my free hand through my hair.
“No,” he disagreed quietly. “I think you’re just upset.”
“I owe you so many explanations.” I said. I furrowed my forehead trying to think of the right way to put it. “It…it’s not easy. It’s not easy for me to open up like this.” I said to my knees, but I saw him nod in my peripheral vision. “I’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends, Bren.” I said with a dry laugh. “A lot. I’ve been cheated on more times than I can count, I’ve had abusive ones, I’ve had ones who treated me like shit in general, basically each and every single one reinforcing the fact that I’m not good enough.” Brendon made some sort of noise, but I cut him off. “I’ve spent a lot of time lying. I’m pretty good at it, I can even convince myself of it. I thought that maybe if I tried to convince myself I was who I wanted to be, that I’d eventually become her, you know? No, that doesn’t make sense.” I frowned again. “It’s all just lying, trying to prove that I was something I’m not. It doesn’t matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is, is that I got freaked out.
“Max was trying to convince me that I pick the wrong guys. It’s nothing personal, Bren, I mean, if you knew my record…” I laughed again, humorlessly. I finally looked up at him. He was watching me intently, his forehead wrinkled as he tried to understand what I was rambling about. “I can’t get hurt again. I think it would send me into the deep end.” I said finally. “And, that’s asking so much of you. God, I barely know you, I know that. And here I am piling all this shit on you, and it’s not fair. It’s really not fair to you. I wasn’t lying when I said you could find someone better. I’m a mess, really I am. It’s toxic to date me, it’s toxic to have a relationship with me. And I can’t ask that of you.” I paused again, and he tried to speak again, but I shook my head. “I really like you Brendon. Like, really, really. And that’s why I’m not going to do this to you…”
“Stop it.”Brendon said suddenly, cutting me off. “Do I get no say in this?”
I looked up at him in surprise.
“Jeez, Clark. You act like you’d be asking me a favor to date you. And yet, you keep forgetting that I really like you too.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “It’s not fair,” I mumbled again.
“It is if I’m willing!” He said, and I was happy for a second to see that his voice sounded normal again, happy. “And trust me, I am.”
“Why?” I demanded. It sounded rude, but I had to know. “Why would you?”
He grinned at me, smoothing hair out of my face. “Because you fascinate me. Because you make me laugh. Because you understand me. Trust me, I could spend way too much time giving you reasons, and if you need that then I’ll tell you them. All I’m saying Clark, is that you just have to give me a chance. Tour is difficult, having a relationship with my lifestyle is difficult, but I want to try, don’t you?” He left his hands on my face, his thumbs gently removing tear marks.
“Yes.” I said. “I do, but I’m scared.”
“I won’t hurt you.” He said, his voice dropping back to serious.
I shook my head. “Don’t say that, that’s what they all say.”
“But I actually mean it.” He said.
I had to trust him, I had to trust him, I had to.
I looked at him for a minute, and then I started to smile, and then he started to smile. “I’m holding you to that.” I said, and his smile widened even more.
“Is that a yes?”
“That’s a yes.” I said. And suddenly his lips were on mine, warm and comforting, and perfect.
He pulled away after a moment, “And no more freak outs, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, and leaned forward to try and kiss him again, but he moved back.
“Promise?”
“Yes!” I said laughing.
“Cross your heart?”
“Brendon!” I exclaimed, laughing, I leaned forward again to kiss him, and he moved back again.
“You’re beautiful.” He said seriously.
I struggled with that a minute. “Thank you,” I said, finally.
He kissed me. “Someday, you’ll actually believe that.” He said, and without waiting for a response, pulled me closer to him and pressed his lips on mine.
I loved Maryland too, I still love it. I love how clean the air is, I love how peaceful it is, I love how you have the mountains and the ocean and cities all in one state. At one point, I thought I’d never leave Maryland, to be honest, but the problem with it was that in Maryland, people knew who I was. It was “oh that’s Clark Abrams, the girl who lost her mother, whose father had a scandalous affair, who parties and moves too fast.” New York offered a sanctuary. In New York, no one knew me. I was a stranger, I could be whoever the hell I wanted. And I found total comfort in that.
But tonight, the city was terrifying. I was wandering around, not even bothering to keep track of where I was. A dangerous thing to do, no doubt, but I suppose I didn’t care if I got robbed or mugged or whatever. The buildings felt overbearing, I felt trapped, there were too many people, too many cars, just…too much. I longed for Maryland. I longed for the front porch of my old house, where it overlooked a simple suburban street, where you could see rolling green hills all around. Maryland seemed clean, and safe, whereas New York tonight felt dirty and overwhelming.
I was wandering because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had just told Brendon Urie that I didn’t want to see him anymore, I had just personally severed 5 possible friendships, I had just severed one possible (and possibly incredible) relationship, and for what?
Because I was refusing to let myself be what I truly was: scared, scarred, ruined, lonely. I was such a coward. I was such a pushover. I was such…an idiot. When did I start to care what Max said? I know he was trying to protect me, but he didn’t know Brendon. I could hardly claim that I knew him either, having only been aware of his existence for two weeks, but…I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was something about him that was making me think it was worth the risk. That maybe, just maybe, I should swallow my pride, and my fear, and just try. For once, just let myself try.
It was a sudden epiphany, and it came about an hour too late. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Angry with myself, I glanced up at the street corner and took in my location. I wasn’t far from Brendon’s hotel, and without thinking, I found my feet walking in the direction towards it. Six blocks down, I was in front of it.
There was a great probability that he wasn’t inside, hell, I didn’t even know his room number, and I had no plan, but just being there was comforting. I sat down on the bench by the building, the one facing the windows and I sat there and stared up at them, feeling more isolated than ever.
I choked on the air in my mouth, and started crying again, Brendon’s words echoing in my head: “You’re on the verge of a breakdown, aren’t you?” I was, I absolutely was.
Numbly, my hands found my phone in my pocket, and they searched out his name and pressed call before I could figure out what I was even calling to say. He picked up after the fourth ring. “I don’t think there’s much else to say, Clark.” He spat harshly. I winced, I hated hearing him talk like that. He was such a happy person normally, happier than most people anyway. His voice always had an edge of laughter in it, like everything was a joke, but only he knew the punch line. “Unless you called to push the point even further?”
I started laughing. I’m sure I sounded like a crazy person. “I’m outside your hotel, I don’t even know why.” I said, and suddenly my maniacal laughter turned to sobs.
“Clark?” His voice softened. He was too nice.
“Can you just come out and talk to me?” I begged.
“Give me two seconds.” He said, and the line went dead.
He arrived outside, glancing around and then spotting me on the bench. He was in tight jeans and the plaid button down from earlier, but he had a hoodie zipped up from the cold. Why did he have to look so adorable, when I’m sure I looked like I’d been hit by a train?
He stood in front of me for a minute. “Hi,” he said finally.
I couldn’t look at him again, this time from shame though. “Hi,” I whispered, glancing down the street. He sat down next to me, and to my surprise, he reached over and took my hand. It twitched in his touch, so he put his other hand on it too.
I choked again. “You must think I’m crazy,” I said finally. “I’m acting crazy.” I ran my free hand through my hair.
“No,” he disagreed quietly. “I think you’re just upset.”
“I owe you so many explanations.” I said. I furrowed my forehead trying to think of the right way to put it. “It…it’s not easy. It’s not easy for me to open up like this.” I said to my knees, but I saw him nod in my peripheral vision. “I’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends, Bren.” I said with a dry laugh. “A lot. I’ve been cheated on more times than I can count, I’ve had abusive ones, I’ve had ones who treated me like shit in general, basically each and every single one reinforcing the fact that I’m not good enough.” Brendon made some sort of noise, but I cut him off. “I’ve spent a lot of time lying. I’m pretty good at it, I can even convince myself of it. I thought that maybe if I tried to convince myself I was who I wanted to be, that I’d eventually become her, you know? No, that doesn’t make sense.” I frowned again. “It’s all just lying, trying to prove that I was something I’m not. It doesn’t matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is, is that I got freaked out.
“Max was trying to convince me that I pick the wrong guys. It’s nothing personal, Bren, I mean, if you knew my record…” I laughed again, humorlessly. I finally looked up at him. He was watching me intently, his forehead wrinkled as he tried to understand what I was rambling about. “I can’t get hurt again. I think it would send me into the deep end.” I said finally. “And, that’s asking so much of you. God, I barely know you, I know that. And here I am piling all this shit on you, and it’s not fair. It’s really not fair to you. I wasn’t lying when I said you could find someone better. I’m a mess, really I am. It’s toxic to date me, it’s toxic to have a relationship with me. And I can’t ask that of you.” I paused again, and he tried to speak again, but I shook my head. “I really like you Brendon. Like, really, really. And that’s why I’m not going to do this to you…”
“Stop it.”Brendon said suddenly, cutting me off. “Do I get no say in this?”
I looked up at him in surprise.
“Jeez, Clark. You act like you’d be asking me a favor to date you. And yet, you keep forgetting that I really like you too.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “It’s not fair,” I mumbled again.
“It is if I’m willing!” He said, and I was happy for a second to see that his voice sounded normal again, happy. “And trust me, I am.”
“Why?” I demanded. It sounded rude, but I had to know. “Why would you?”
He grinned at me, smoothing hair out of my face. “Because you fascinate me. Because you make me laugh. Because you understand me. Trust me, I could spend way too much time giving you reasons, and if you need that then I’ll tell you them. All I’m saying Clark, is that you just have to give me a chance. Tour is difficult, having a relationship with my lifestyle is difficult, but I want to try, don’t you?” He left his hands on my face, his thumbs gently removing tear marks.
“Yes.” I said. “I do, but I’m scared.”
“I won’t hurt you.” He said, his voice dropping back to serious.
I shook my head. “Don’t say that, that’s what they all say.”
“But I actually mean it.” He said.
I had to trust him, I had to trust him, I had to.
I looked at him for a minute, and then I started to smile, and then he started to smile. “I’m holding you to that.” I said, and his smile widened even more.
“Is that a yes?”
“That’s a yes.” I said. And suddenly his lips were on mine, warm and comforting, and perfect.
He pulled away after a moment, “And no more freak outs, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, and leaned forward to try and kiss him again, but he moved back.
“Promise?”
“Yes!” I said laughing.
“Cross your heart?”
“Brendon!” I exclaimed, laughing, I leaned forward again to kiss him, and he moved back again.
“You’re beautiful.” He said seriously.
I struggled with that a minute. “Thank you,” I said, finally.
He kissed me. “Someday, you’ll actually believe that.” He said, and without waiting for a response, pulled me closer to him and pressed his lips on mine.
♠ ♠ ♠
I've read this about 50 times. At first I loved it, now I think it's shit.I don't know.
Having a shitty day.
Comments are greatly appreciated.
-Sophie