The Young and Lost Club

I don’t think I slept for the remaining week we had left in Maryland before we left for tour. Partially because there was so much to do, partially because Alex kept me busy, and mostly because of what I knew was going to be facing me.
What would I say? How would I act? Would he talk to me? Should I talk to him? What did I even want? While I couldn’t bear the thought of being around him and not talking to him, the very idea of us just “being friends” was equally upsetting. How could I ever expect to be “just friends” with Brendon? I loved him. I loved him more then I’d ever loved anything in my life and that was terrifying. I couldn’t be “just friends” but neither could I be his enemy.
I spent 5 days packing and thinking of these things over and over again, venting to no one, because I no longer had an outlet. All of the guys, including Ryan and Jon were out; we were at the point where Brendon, to them, wouldn’t be my ex-boyfriend anymore, but a fellow tour mate. I couldn’t dump my woes on any of them. Alex was out because…he was no longer a friend with benefits, no matter what I wanted. And despite myself, my last night in Maryland, Alex took me out, and he asked again, for us to be in a relationship, and I had made myself agree.
I kept thinking about what I had told Ryan back in LA. That if Brendon could, and had moved on, then it was time for me to do the same. And yes, Alex was settling, (I had to admit that to myself) but honestly, what more could I ask for? He knew what I was thinking, he knew what I was, and he still wanted me. Still wanted me around. So I said yes. I also knew, more than a larger part of me wanted this as revenge. Alex Gaskarth, a friend I had known since I was dating Brendon, and now I was dating him. I knew how Brendon would take it, and I took some sort of sick pleasure in hoping it would hurt him.
I know. I know how bad it sounds.
And then, to make things even worse, there was the fact that Alex had jumped at the opportunity to drive me to the airport, where we were meeting Panic for the first leg of tour.
“What do you mean Alex is driving you?” Taylor said, looking at me dumbfounded.
“What does it sound like I mean?” I snapped back, plucking nervously at my skirt. “It’s really quite simple, Tay. Alex is driving me to the airport because he wanted to be able to say goodbye.”
Taylor glared at me. “And you really think that’s a good idea?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” I said, playing dumb.
Taylor glared at me. “Um, maybe because someone by the name of Brendon Urie is going to be there? You really think it’s a good idea for him to see you with Alex?” He said, sarcasm dripping from his words.
“He has a girlfriend!” I said, as if this horrible situation had never occurred to me. “What does it matter?!”
Taylor rolled his eyes, “You are, without a doubt, the stupidest smart person I know. I’ll see you at the airport.” And he swung around and marched out the door.
“Whatever,” I grumbled, now picking at my nails. Yes, I was a nervous wreck. Yes, I was about to have a meltdown, and yes I kept thinking “I can’t do this” over and over, and the only thing keeping me sane, was the thought that Alex would be there when I saw Brendon for the first time. Taylor and Brian didn’t understand. As far as they were concerned, Alex was bad news, and as much as they appreciated the fact that I was semi-normal again, they couldn’t understand why I was seeing him, nor how our relationship worked. Max was more lenient. He understood to some degree, and while he didn’t like it, he saw it made me happier and left it alone.
There was a knock at the door, interrupting my thoughts, and I pulled it open to reveal Alex, looking as handsome as ever. “Hey babe,” he said, bending down and kissing me. “You ready to go?”
I heaved a sigh. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Come on, be excited!” He said, taking one of my carry on bags from me. Max and Brian had taken the suitcases in their car earlier and were waiting for Taylor and I to arrive. “You’re going on tour! You’re going to have such a great time.” I almost wanted to hit him; standing there, looking so cute, acting like I wasn’t appreciative of what I had.
“I know,” I said, clenching my fists, containing my irrational anger. “I’m just nervous about seeing him again.”
“Well then it’s a good thing I’m here, huh?” He gave me a cocky grin.
“Yeah,” I said forcing a smile.
Maybe.
|||
The seven of them were congregated in a small group by the security gate.
I gripped Alex’s hand tighter as I recognized the back of Brendon’s head, but Alex ignored my sudden panic and walked decisively towards the group.
“No, no! Alex, stop!” I hissed, trying to yank myself away. “Fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t. Shit, shit, shit!”
Alex ignored me.
“Clark!”
Well, fuck you Jon Walker.
I was then engulfed in hugs, from said bastard. “Can’t breathe!” I whined, and he released me as Ryan bounded towards me, giving me a large hug as well. I held onto Ryan longer, knowing he was probably the only person who truly understood how I was feeling, and he gave me an extra squeeze of comfort. He finally let go, smiling, and I reclaimed Alex’s hand again, needing someone to hold onto before I bolted from the room.
“Oh.” Jon said abruptly, both his and Ryan’s eyes suddenly latched onto Alex and mine’s clasped hands.
Ryan recovered first. “Hey, Alex, how are you?” He said casually, as Jon, not so casually mouthed “WHAT THE FUCK” at me.
“Pretty good, how about you all?” Alex asked, nonchalantly, drawing me closer to him. I shook my head ever so slightly at Jon to try and get him to shut up.
“Good,” Ryan and Jon said at the same time, both of them obviously still trying to comprehend why I was holding Alex’s hand, when last I told them we were fuck buddies and never did anything affectionate outside of a bedroom.
“You all excited?” Alex said, still ignoring everyone else’s odd behavior, his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders. “Clark said it was going to be an awesome tour.”
“Did she now?” Jon muttered, giving me a look, which I returned. I heard a slight commotion from where the rest of the group stood, and without thinking I looked over.
Brendon.
After nearly a year of not seeing him, we had quite suddenly, and accidently (at least on my part) locked eyes. I wanted to say he looked well, but he didn’t really. Maybe it was because I could read his face like a book (still; it was shocking to me it hadn’t gone away over time), but he looked tired, haggard even, his hair was kind of a mess, his lips looked chapped and split, he hadn’t shaved. I suppose physically he looked better then the last time I saw him, but his eyes, his ever expressive eyes, were almost exactly the same as they had been the last time we had spoken.
I hadn’t been expecting that. I expected him to be the same old happy Brendon I knew, I expected the same person I had known for so long to be standing in front of me. But this was still the destroyed Brendon I had shoved out of my apartment almost a year ago.
I couldn’t tell which one was worse. And I couldn’t look away. We both stared at each other for a long time. It was so strange, all this time I had spent worrying myself to the point of throwing up, all this time I was telling myself I never wanted to see him again…and now he was little more than 10 feet away from me and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream at him.
More than anything, I wanted to run away again.
For a quick second, Brendon looked down, to where Alex was holding my hand, and when he looked back up, he looked even sadder, if possible. And for some reason I nearly blushed, like I had been caught doing something bad.
I felt Alex’s nails biting into my palm, and I suddenly remembered myself and yanked not only my eyes, but my entire body from Brendon’s general direction. “Sorry,” I said, my own voice sounding odd, so incredibly odd. Alex only smiled down at me, and then continued his conversation with Ryan about god knows what.
Okay. I was okay. I had seen him, wasn’t so bad, right? I could do this. I was going to be fine.
“Clark! I haven’t seen you in a while!” I jumped as Spencer wrapped an arm around me, his smile forced, and I tried to return a smile, only to see that now Brendon wasn’t 10 feet away, he was more like one.
It took me a couple seconds to recover from that, because his proximity to me made his gaze (because even though I had stopped looking at him, he hadn’t at me) all that more intense. My first, very strong, instinct was to run, to just get the fuck out of this building, maybe put a few hours distance between us again. But then, I remembered what I had decided this past week: that I didn’t want to seem weak in front of Brendon. I wanted to look cool, and calm, as if his presence meant nothing to me.
“Spencer,” I said, with a forced smile. “Good to see you again.” And I returned his hug. “Zack,” I said smiling and waving to Panic’s friend and bodyguard. He smiled back.
Next came the bravest moment of my life. “Brendon,” I said, looking him dead in the eye. I was calm, collected, I was a statue and nothing could touch me. This was for everyone else’s benefit.
I would not destroy this tour.
“How are you?”
I could feel everyone looking at me in mild surprise, but Brendon seemed the most taken aback. He looked practically frantic, and he glanced at Ryan first as if he needed him to confirm that I had actually spoken civilly to him. He opened his mouth but nothing came out, and he licked his lips and tried again, “H-hi Clark.”
It wasn’t an answer, but I could feel my tough façade cracking away so I quickly looked away from him and turned to the rest of them, forcing another smile on my face. It was getting harder by the second. “Shall we get going then?”
Everyone snapped out of their trance. “Yeah,” Max and Jon said, bending down to pick up their bags, and everyone started to do the same.
I turned to Alex who grinned at me, gently removing the bag of mine he’d been carrying on his shoulder and placing it on mine. “I’ll miss you,” he said, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Come on, Brendon,” I heard Ryan mutter from beside me.
“I’ll miss you,” I said back automatically.
And that’s when Alex snuck a glance over my shoulder, where I was almost certain Brendon was. This theory was confirmed as Alex smirk widened and he winked at whoever was behind me and then he bent down and kissed me hard on the lips, his hands on my back, holding it longer than he needed to, before I even had a chance to stop it. When he pulled away I glared but he ignored me. “Love you, Lark.” He said, much louder than necessary, and then with one more kiss on my frozen lips, he practically bounded away.
I stood rooted to the ground, my shock slowly melting away into pure fury. I spun around, hoping that no one would be there, but of course, there, well within hearing distance of the entire thing, was a wide eyed, hurt Brendon, and a very, very, angry Ryan.

|||
Ryan cornered me the second we got to our gate, practically dragging me halfway across the airport, Taylor tagging along as well, obviously having the story told to him by Ryan, and they finally released me in a secluded corner.
“What the fuck was that, Clark?” Ryan hissed.
“I told you this was a bad idea!” Taylor snapped at me. ‘What were you expecting, inviting him here? And since when are you two in love-“
“Absolutely no consideration-“ Ryan was fuming.
“-So full of shit, this is ridiculous-“
“Shut up!” I shrieked at them both, abandoning all pretense of being calm and collected. “Can you please just give me a fucking minute?!”
They both looked at me in surprise.
“I’m going to…I’m going to murder him!” I seethed. “Seriously, let me get a different flight, I’m going to MURDER that bastard!” I even started charging in the opposite direction, before Taylor caught my arm and pulled me back. “I’m serious, Taylor, I’m going to…UGH!” I shrieked, and kicked the trashcan next to me.
“Okay, okay, calm down,” Ryan said.
“Calm down?!” I yelled. “Calm down?! I will not calm down, Ryan! He did that all to cause drama because he’s a serious fuckhead, okay? He has no idea, NO IDEA…”
Taylor grabbed me and covered my mouth with his hand to stop me from yelling.
“So…” Ryan said quietly, removing Taylor’s hand after I calmed down. “So, you aren’t in love with him?”
“What?! Fuck no! Fuck…he might be in love with me…oh fuck. Oh fuck!” I grabbed Taylor’s arm. “He’s not in love with me, right?”
Taylor raised an eyebrow. “Are you kidding me? He’s been in love with you since Pete’s party, Clark. Surely you knew that.”
I shook my head quickly. “No, no, I knew he liked me…but he knows how I am…I told him, I told him…”
Ryan glared at Taylor. “That wasn’t helpful.”
“Look, she made this mess, okay? I told her from the beginning not to involve herself with Gaskarth and we haven’t even started tour and it’s already causing problems.”
“Get the fuck out of here, Taylor,” I said furiously.
“Okay, everyone needs to calm the fuck down.” Ryan said, raising his voice slightly, and Taylor and I fell silent, like we’d been scolded. “Clark, honestly, he was probably joking, okay? He looked at Brendon and winked, and he obviously meant to get a rise out of him.” Taylor scoffed and walked off.
“That wasn’t my intention, Ryan, I swear to god, if I had known he was going to do that…I’m trying to be civil, you saw that, right?”
Ryan put his hand on my shoulder. “I know, I know you are. I know you would never try to hurt Brendon, okay, and he’s fine. I think he’s a little surprised because we didn’t see that coming, but it’s fine. You have every right to have a new boyfriend.”
“I know,” I said miserably. “I know he’s moved on and got a new girlfriend and all, but Alex should never had tried to…I don’t know,” I glanced behind Ryan’s shoulder to where the rest of our group was. I saw Brendon sitting in one of the seats, Spencer and Jon on either side, talking to him. “I…he’s not okay, is he?” Ryan and Jon had tried to warn me, but I refused to believe it. Brendon had cheated on me, Brendon had gotten a new girlfriend. I had kept expecting him to be the same person. But he wasn’t.
Ryan frowned and shook his head. “No, of course not. You keep forgetting he lost the love of his life too…not that it wasn’t his fault. I know.” He added before I could say anything.
“I thought he moved on.” I said quietly.
“I told you that Lydia meant nothing to him.”
“Not just…” I clutched at my chest, where I was feeling the familiar pain there. “He’s Brendon…he’s always happy, he’s always…”
Ryan laughed slightly. “I can’t understand what you want. Do you want Brendon miserable, or do you want him happy?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
|||
I called Alex in-between sound check and our first show. I was nervous as hell, and I decided now would be a good time to vent some of my feelings, just to blow off steam.
“Hello?” Someone answered.
“Alex?”
“Clark?”
“Jack.”
“Clark!”
“Why are you answering Alex’s phone?” I asked.
“Cause…uh, well, he’s scared to talk to you,” Jack said.
“Is she mad?” I heard Alex yell in the background.
“I dunno, are you mad?”
“Give the phone to Alex.”
“Yeah she’s mad.”
“Jack!” I snapped. “Give the phone to Alex. Now.” I added. If I had learned anything the past couple months it was that sometimes, when dealing with Jack, you had to act like his mother.
“Fine. Bossy.” Jack pouted. I rolled my eyes.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” Alex said as soon as Jack handed over.
“You better fucking believe I’m mad at you. What were you thinking?!”
“I’m really sorry.”
“I’m on tour with them, Alex! And like it or not, he is my ex-boyfriend, and even if we are dating different people, it’s a little harsh to see them for the first time in months and hear someone else say they love them.”
“I just…he’s an idiot, okay? He lost you because he’s stupid, and I just…”
“Wanted to show off?” I filled in for him. “Turn all Alpha Male on him? You’re really fucking retarded sometime Alex. Think of someone else for once.” And I hung up on him.
Brian poked his head into the small greenroom I was in. “You ready?”
“Fuck yes.”
“Good cause Max has been puking for the past 30 minutes, and Taylor is probably going to faint.”
I tossed my phone aside. “Should be a great show then.”

|||

Max was still green when we walked onstage and took our places.
I probably would have been in the same situation if I wasn’t so hyped up on adrenaline from my fight with Alex. It wasn’t just a huge crowd, it has a gigantic crowd. Max opened his mouth but nothing came out.
We were in trouble.
I took a quick glance to the wings of the stage, and even though half the crew was standing there to watch, I met Brendon’s eyes. It felt strangely comforting, even though it shouldn’t have.
I turned back to the crowd. “Hi everyone, we’re the Comeback Kids, and it’s awesome to be here making sweet, sweet love to your eardrums.” There was a ripple of laughter. “This is called Airwave Novel, we hope you enjoy it.” I covered my mike and turned to Max, who was staring at me in awe. “Just open your fucking mouth and sing,” I said to him.
He nodded and Brian counted us in for what would turn out to be the best experience of all of our lives.