The Young and Lost Club

The early morning sun and gentle drone of the airplane should have been a perfect condition for me to fall asleep. Instead, I was sitting in my (first class, of course Ryan would buy me a first class ticket) seat re-living my past. I wanted to stop thinking about it, but my mind seemed hell bent on becoming a masochist, and I was too tired to fight them off. I was tired. Physically, mentally, any other –ally you could think of. I was just tired.
My brain simply wouldn’t stop. Round and round, thinking of Brendon, Brendon and more Brendon. Brendon the first night I met him, Brendon kissing me, Brendon holding me, Brendon in my bed, and then it would swoop off into the dark thoughts: Brendon in her bed, Brendon kissing her, Brendon crying and sobbing and begging…until I felt like I’d rather be shot than have to think of him a second more.
I stumbled off the plane, and through the gates looking for Ryan. Instead, my eyes landed on none other than Jon Walker. “Jon!” I cried, pushing through the crowd.
“Clark!” He said happily, giving me a quick hug. “How is my favorite midget?” I stomped on his foot in faux irritation and gave him another hug.
“It’s so good to see you,” I mumbled into his chest. “Even if you do look like a sex offender.”
Jon grinned and rubbed a hand across his beard. “Not a fan?”
“Not really,” I said. “Where’s Ryan?”
“He’s in the bathroom. He’s gonna be pissed he wasn’t here when you first came out.” Jon said, smiling again.
“Why’s that?”
“He’s like…so excited to see you. He made me vacuum your guest bedroom 5 times just in case you somehow got allergies from the last time we saw you.”
I laughed. It felt like I had forgotten how to do it properly.
Jon frowned at me. “Clark you look…”
But Ryan suddenly appeared at Jon’s shoulder. “Clark!” He smiled at me, cutting Jon off. I’m not sure I wanted to hear the end of the sentence anyway. I focused on Ryan, who was positively beaming at me. I always forgot how tall Ryan was. He towered over me, and his arms easily wrapped around my entire back. “I’m so glad you’re here.” He said, his honesty made my heart swell just a little, and I suddenly felt like I was the verge of tears, as he hugged me tighter to him.
“I am too,” I agreed, and I was happy to see that I truly and completely meant it.

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As we headed off to Ryan’s car, I learned that Jon would only be staying through the weekend before heading off back home to Chicago. He was going to leave a couple days after Spencer and Brendon left, but he had wanted to see me. “Well, what’s left of you,” He corrected, frowning and looking at me. “Have you become anorexic or something? I thought you were a stick before.”
Ryan gave me the same grave look. “Don’t worry Jon,” he said. “I plan on either getting her to eat or forcing a feeding tube down her throat.” He sounded like he meant that.
“Guys,” I complained, blushing. I knew I was too skinny. I knew that I looked malnourished, but really, I couldn’t help it. Food turned to glue in my mouth. “I’m right here you know. Rude.”
Ryan and Jon both ignored my comment and tossed my luggage in the back of Ryan’s new car. I didn’t know shit about cars, but I could tell it was nice. Extremely nice. Obviously Pretty. Odd. pre-sales were going well. “So,” Jon said as Ryan pulled out onto the freeway. “What should we do? And Clark, this is where you say,” for this part he put on a high falsetto, pretending to be me, “Guys, take me out for some expensive lunch where I will eat every bite and not complain about you paying.”
“Shut up Jon,” I said, smacking his head, while Ryan gave a brief “Ha!” from the front seat. I scowled at them both.
Ryan turned around to look at me. “How does Thai food sound?”
“About as appetizing as anything else,” I said with a shrug.
“Good enough for me.” He said, and took off again.

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The entire day had been wonderful. It felt like by coming to California I had left all of my problems on the East Coast. Even if I was with Brendon’s best friends, he could have been on the other side of the world for all I knew. In both Maryland and New York there had been painful memories of the happy days everywhere. All of my usual haunts brought up unwelcome reminders of what had been. But California was different. Even Ryan’s house was new and I had never been there before.
I noticed, as Ryan gave me a tour of his beautiful home (and yes, my bedroom was entirely spotless, Jon made sure I noticed) that all pictures of Brendon and the rest of Panic that had been everywhere at his old place were gone. I suspected he had carefully removed all of them so it would be easier for me to relax, and while it did, it didn’t stop me from noticing the nail holes where a picture had once hung though.
I had, however, spent the day worrying about saying something I regretted. Alex’s words about Brendon moving on were playing on repeat in my head, and try as I might to mute it, it only was getting louder. I knew Ryan never told me about Brendon’s personal life, and Spencer and Jon had done the same, only with less elegance, but I couldn’t help but feel weak and betrayed at this information. They had to know I would find out eventually. Didn’t they think that while we were on tour it might come up that Brendon was in love with someone else? Didn’t they know that I was going to find out? And wouldn’t it be better to find out earlier so I wouldn’t be distracted while on tour?
At the same time, my friends’ effort to keep me happy, and their desire to protect me was incredibly sweet. I knew Ryan well, and I knew that he would only omit information from me for my own good. Therefore, despite the haunting mantra in my head, I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything.
In the evening, after both Ryan and Jon made me eat another huge meal, we all decided to chill in the pool and drink some beers. I changed into my swimsuit and joined the guys, grabbing a beer from the cooler before slipping in the water.
“What’s that?” Jon asked suddenly, pointing to my arm with his beer bottle. “On your arm?”
I mentally cursed myself. I had worn a long sleeve shirt to hide my tattoo today, and had stupidly thought I could get through a week (and maybe an entire tour as well) without them noticing.
I wasn’t sure if Jon would understand its significance, but Ryan certainly would.
“It’s, um, a tattoo.” I said quietly. “I got it about a month or so ago.”
“No shit?” Jon said, scooting closer to me. “Let me see.”
I sighed and lifted my arm out of the water to show them both. Like I suspected, Ryan knew instantly what it stood for. He didn’t say or really show anything, other than a tightening in his eyes. Jon on the other hand glanced at it, and then glanced at me. “Dandelion, huh?” He said gently, and I knew that he understood too, at some basic level. Stab to the heart. He floated away, and awkward silence descended over the pool.
“It’s not just for him, you know,” I blurted. “It’s the whole thing, and my mom, and that whole mess…” I trailed off. I didn’t like to talk about my parents either.
Ryan didn’t seem to realize that though. “Speaking of your mom…how’s your dad?”
Another uncomfortable subject. “I don’t really talk to him. Max calls every once in a while, make sure he hasn’t died or anything,” I said bitterly. “Sorry, I just don’t like talking about it.”
“It’s fine,” Ryan said quickly. “Sorry.”
I shrugged, and then asked hesitantly, “Does…does he know I’m here?”
Ryan and Jon exchanged a quick look. “Nope,” Ryan said after a brief pause.
I rubbed on my wrists nervously, something I had gotten in the habit of ever since I started having problems with Carpel Tunnel. “Would he be mad if he knew?” I mumbled. “Does he not want me around you guys?”
Jon rolled his eyes. “Believe it or not we don’t have to ask Brendon permission to hang out with people.”
I smiled slightly, still avoiding eye contact with them.
“Clark,” Ryan said with a sigh. “I invited you here, so to hell with what Brendon thinks. You’re our friend and it’s my damn house.”
“But he won’t be happy when he finds out?” I persisted.
Jon made some sort of angry noise. “No, he’ll be jealous when he finds out, even if he does have…”
But Ryan shot him a fierce look and he stopped talking.
He has what? A girlfriend? Someone new? I swallowed hard, and decided not to ask. Not yet, at least.
“Even if he does have Spencer with him.” Jon finished lamely, not even really making sense. “Besides, we aren’t here to talk about him anyway. We’re here to talk with you.” Ryan said.
“Exactly.” Jon said, nodding. “And we won’t even mention Alex.” Ryan’s eyes did the tightening thing again, but I was relieved someone had made a joke to remove the tension and laughed, splashing Jon. “Hey!” He exclaimed. “Water in my beer! Not cool!” He scowled.
“Shut up Walker Texas Ranger.”
Jon looked at me for a moment, and then snorted. “Got it, got it. The beard. Yeah.”

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We stayed outside until 3 am, all of our fingers and toes wrinkly from being in the water so long, and slightly drunk from all the beers.
The California sky was so incredibly beautiful; for the first time in a long time, I felt optimistic.