You Won't See the Sun Anymore

I took a deep breath and pressed play. Cassadee appeared on the screen. I blinked, wondering if it was really her.

“Yes, Jack, I know I’m dead now. I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me eventually,” she said as her voice filled the room. “I let this all get to my head and everything was becoming blown out of proportion. So this is why I am making these. This is to help you to understand why I did this. I don’t want to leave you out in the dark. Throughout all of these DVDs, CDs, and small notes and such that have been collected, I’ll explain why. I’m not sure how many things I will have in there, but I know there will be a lot.” She sighed.

I paused it to look at her. She seemed very down that day. I pressed play.

“First off, let me tell you- this is the day after we had that big incident. You know what I’m talking about. But don’t think about it right now. I will explain that later.

“The first reason,” –she sighed– “is the first time we met. That was something we couldn’t prevent. But I knew that there was going to be something between us. I just had that feeling. And I knew you could feel it, too. You avoided me for days before starting to warm up to me. That hurt a lot more than you think it did.”

I sighed. I did it for our own good. She was sending me weird vibes and I hadn’t ever had them before. Plus she was driving me crazy. She was so adorable and I just kept finding myself staring. I had to build a wall and crawl over it later.

“I called Hayley that night to talk to her about this situation. She told me that you were just shy and that’s how you always were. I didn’t believe her. I even had a long talk with Alex. He said that you are a guy –obviously.

“I couldn’t confront you about it. I just wanted to be friends. I didn’t want anything more. The more I was around you; the more I fell in love. But that was later, after we had sorted this deal out.

“So reason number one- you were afraid of me. Now it’s time for CD one.”

The screen went black and I realized I was sitting on the edge of the couch now. I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. Something told me that she wasn’t done talking about the first of our friendship. The screen continued to stay black. I ejected the DVD and walked up to the player, replacing the DVD to the case. I turned the player off and sat the case on the coffee table.

“One down, a billion more to go,” I mumbled to myself as I rummaged through the box, revealing a CD case with the words ‘one’ written on the case.

I got up and sat the CD on the coffee table. I walked down the hall to my room. I looked around for my laptop bag and finally found it leaning against the night stand. I sat on my bed and unzipped the case from around the computer. I pulled out the laptop and got up, setting the case on the bed. I walked back to the couch in the front room and sat down, picking up the CD.

“Why is it she’s got all of these things if she is just explaining why she killed herself?” I asked myself, examining the piece of plastic.

I booted up my computer and put the CD in. I imported it into my iTunes and listened to her voice sweetly surround me as her voice refilled the void around me.

“Are you finally listening to reason two? Good. I would have been disappointed if you didn’t make it this far.

“Well before reason two, I must tell you the rules of this… ‘game.’ The DVDs and CDs shouldn't be allowed to be shown, but it's up to you. What I have written on the papers are for everyone. You must do what they say. You can have people help you, if needed. But I’ve done this to help you, remember?

“Back on task– reason two. After we became friends, we became a little distant when I started to fall for Alex. I knew I couldn’t have him, but I went for it anyway. And you were there to tell me that he was going to hurt me. You just knew Alex would.

“I never did tell you what happened between us. So here’s your insight. It was after our first concert together and Alex decided to take me out for a while. We went to the park. Yep, the park.” She sighed and took a deep breath in.

“We sat in the grass under some trees and we talked about everything. I felt like I could confide in him. He told me that there was a girl he liked but she didn’t like him. I thought it was me, so being confident, I told him that I really liked him. He just looked at me with a funny face and told me that it would never be me.” She faintly started to cry.

“Reason two- Alex Gaskarth broke me. Next thing on the list: DVD two.”

The CD ended and I shut the computer, sitting it on the coffee table. I had to get something to eat and get out of my house.

I wanted answers, but I couldn’t handle hearing her voice. I put my hands in my face and sobbed. Cassadee meant the world to me. The last time I seen her hadn’t ended on good terms. I just wanted to see her face and tell her I was sorry. I was the one guilty of pushing her over the edge. As much as I wanted to lie about it not, it was.

I rubbed the tears off my cheeks and stood up. I walked into the kitchen grabbed the box of Fruit Loops off the counter. I pulled a bowl from the dish washer and poured me some cereal. I sat the box down and walked to the refrigerator, sliding the milk out and pouring it onto my cereal. I placed it back inside and closed the door. I walked over to the kitchen table and sat down, digging in.

____

Later that afternoon.

I was still in complete mourning mode when Alex came over that night. I was sprawled out on the couch, without a shower and still in pajamas.

“Jack, I really hate to see you like this, but you have to do something about your life instead of wait around to die,” Alex said, sitting on the floor in front of me, between the coffee table and sofa. “Seriously, ever since Cassadee’s funeral a week ago, you’ve become so depressed and confined.”

I stared up at the ceiling. “It’s not easy, Alex. She actually meant something to me, unlike she did to you.”

I saw him out of my peripheral vision giving me a dirty look. “What’s THAT supposed to mean, Jack?”

“I know what you did to her when we first met her,” I growled.

“What did I do?” he asked as I sat up.

“You hurt her. You can’t do that. Definitely not to her. Her heart was already broken enough.”

“And how do you know this?”

“She told me.”

He blinked.

“You’ve lost your mind, Jack.” He got up. “Shower and get ready. We’re going out tonight.”

I sighed and stood up, stretching.

“Just… stay out of everything,” I mumbled as I gathered up the box, placing the DVD on the coffee table and my laptop inside.

I carried it to my room and fought with myself to get ready. I slid the box into the closet, hiding it safely away from Alex’s eyes. I grabbed a random t-shirt from out of the closet and jeans and boxers from the drawers near the doorway. I walked into the en-suite bathroom and closed the door.

____

That night.

Alex’s version of ‘going out’ and my version were two totally different things when I was in this mood. While Alex was flirting it up, drunk, with girls on the dance floor, I sat quietly with Zack, Rian, Pete, and Ashlee in the booth.

I sipped on my Coke while Zack and Pete exchanged glances.

“Jack, lighten up,” Pete said as his hand clapped my back.

I choked on my Coke and finally swallowed it.

“Sorry,” Pete mumbled. “But I’m sure you’ll find someone. That’s what Cassadee would want if she were here. She wanted you to be happy. She told me that.”

I looked at Pete. “Since when have you been wise, Wentz?”

“Since I decided that this suicide that occurred has changed everyone.”

Ashlee stopped talking to Rian and looked over at Pete and me. “I know how you feel, Jack. Cass was like a sister to me.” She used her reassuring smile.

I was polite and smiled back. Going out with these people helped a lot. I felt a lot better than I had when I was looking at the ceiling.

Alex came back to the booth and sat down next to Zack.

“Jack, man, you’re missing out.”

I shot him a look. “I know. But it’s not time, Alex.”

Pete intervened, “Alex, give Jack some time. He needs to get over this. He’s obviously not ready. He’s ready to leave his house, but not score chicks like he used to.”

The group chuckled and I found myself smiling. Alex started talking Rian and Ashlee and ignored Zack, Pete, and me.

“You know, I was shocked when I got the call that she had committed suicide. I would have never seen her doing that. She was such a bright girl. She was always happy and nothing could bring her down- or so we thought.”

I nodded. “But when we became friends, I had seen it, somehow. She had so many problems with her family. She was always homesick for that reason. But I helped her, Pete.”

Zack tuned in. “Without Jack and me, I don’t think she would have been comfortable with living on a bus for months.”

My heart lurched and I hurried to cover it up with drinking some more Coke. Pete noticed something was wrong.

“You okay, Jack?” he asked, reminding me of Alex saying that the day of the funeral.

“Not really. I need to tell you something.” Zack knew it was his cue to tune himself out.

“Shoot,” Pete said.

“Cassadee sent me DVDs, CDs, and various things to explain to me why.”

Pete’s eyes widened.

“I wish I could share this all with you. I honestly wish I could.”

He nodded. “I understand if you can’t.”

“She told me I couldn’t. But I’m sure if she were still here, she wouldn’t mind.”

“Well how about I come over tomorrow and you can show me?”

I gladly welcomed him over.

____

The next morning.

Pete rang the doorbell. I knew it was him because we had it all planned out. I was dressed and ready to go by the time he had come over. I welcomed him in and he came inside. I led him to the living room.

We replayed the stuff I had already gone over.

“Woah. Really?” he said after we listened to the first CD.

“Really really. I didn’t know that Alex was such a jerk to her at first. I started noticing it when she started to push away from him and more into me,” I replied.

“Well, let’s get going.”

Pete dug through the box and pulled out the next item on the list- DVD two. He handed me the case and I opened it, taking the DVD out, and putting it in the tray. I walked back and sat next to Pete.

He hit play and the screen went from being black to flowing into life with her face. Her hair and outfit were different from the last time. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. I figured she had done the previous CD and this DVD within the same time.

“Sorry about the tears, Jack. You got to see those a lot, I know. And I’m sorry if they ever ruined any of your good shirts like you used to tease me about.” She wiped away one last tear rolling down her cheek with the back of her arm.

“Reason three, anyway. That stupid girl you had on tour. I absolutely hated her. She was rude and confronted me about you. She told that ‘if I wanted you to be happy, I had to leave you alone.’ Sadly enough, I listened. I don’t know why I did- OH, right, because I was going to be a good friend and I wanted you to be happy.” She looked up and then brushed her blondish-brownish bangs to side.

“I honestly respected what she told me to do. When you two started having problems, I didn’t want to get in the middle of it. I wanted to just stand by and hope that you would figure out what was best for you. But you dragged me into it. Before I knew it, that girl was going home.

“Reason three? Your stupid ex-girlfriend because she made me walk away from you. Plus, she lied to both of us.

“I realize that after her, you haven’t been with anyone else. I wonder why,” she said cheekily, smiling at the camera. “Well I know why, but we’re getting there.”

Her smile overwhelmed the screen and made me start smiling. “Task three, Jack, is to read the first envelope and do what it says. Promise me you’ll do it.”

The television faded to black and Pete was already rummaging through the box to find the envelope. He found it and ripped it open for me and handed me the contents inside.

I read aloud so Pete wouldn’t have to read over my shoulder.

“Jack, please follow these instructions carefully. Go to my grave and take some flowers. I’m going to let you mourn this one out. But take one friend and one friend only. Trust me. Seeing the grave will help. Love Cass.”

Pete looked at me and then back at the small slip of paper I was holding in my hands.

“Get your shoes on, Barakat. We’re going to buy flowers.”

I smiled and Pete smiled back as I handed the paper back to Pete, who slipped it back inside the envelope and put it back in the box.