These Walls I've Built Around Myself

A chilling winter draft hit me right smack in the face, causing me to shiver. It didn’t really bother me. I loved cold weather as a child and I loved snow. My father would take me outside and help me build a snowman, while my mother prepared hot chocolate to warm us up when we ventured back in. Of course we haven’t had a nice family bonding type moment since I was a child. I missed those days. My parents paid more attention to me back then. But now they knew nothing. They didn’t know how unhappy they made me.

The other reason the cold didn’t bother me, was that I was already cold on the inside. My heart was like a block of ice, long frozen over in a raging winter, with no hope of a coming spring to thaw it out. That was the difference between me and this winter going on outside my body. This winter would have a coming spring. The winter inside me had no such hope.

I continued down the path and it began to snow again. I watched the falling snow and I felt comfort in the squealing children around me, preoccupied building snowmen, without a care in the world to bring them down. I silently envied them, wishing I could go back to my days of childhood, so I wouldn’t have to worry about things such as arranged marriages, love, and Ethan. How I despised that man. I never wanted to see him again, but I would spend the rest of my life with him. I would be miserable, but I would have to endure. I would have to be strong.

A giggling girl ran out in front of me, being chased by a young boy. He playfully threw a snowball at her. She dodged it and tackled him. “Heather, you silly girl,” the boy said to her. She giggled and kissed him. “You asked for it, you were the one that threw the snowball at me you traitor,” Heather teased him. They hugged and giggled.

The couple looked like they were in their early teens. They were adorable together. As I walked past them and into town, I realized that that young innocent love is what I wished I had. That blind love, the kind of love that you didn’t know what the future had in store for you, but you trusted it, because you were so in love with one another.

I pushed that thought out of my mind. It would only upset me further and I didn’t like to cry in public. I smiled and put on a happy face. It was fake of course. I haven’t been happy since I was a little girl. I walked through the busy streets, filled with people buying Christmas presents for relatives they only talked to once a year. I returned the simple hellos I received, for my mother taught me to always be polite. She didn’t want me to “disgrace” her and since I was engaged I needed to “act like a lady.”

The busy shoppers cloncked through snow with their gifts and hummed simple holiday tunes. I dodged a group of drunk men, singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and waving at the young women who passed by. I ignored them and continued on my way to my destination.

I opened the door to the tailor shop and greeted Evelyn sweetly. She jumped up from behind her desk and ran to give me a sudden hug. I gasped for breath and was relieved when she finally let go. She looked at me and smiled. “Oh, Miss Lucy! I have finally finished the alterations. I believe you and your mother will be very pleased with the results.” I heard the key words in there, “your mother.” Of course my mother would be pleased. All the preparations were in her liking, not mine.

Evelyn walked over to rack filled with an assortment of dresses and picked one out of the bunch. She brought it over to me and showed it to me. The dressed looked the same as I remembered. It was beautiful, but I didn’t care much for it. Evelyn watched me closely. “Where is your mother, Dear?” she inquired, looking behind me, expecting her to come in the door. “Oh, she is busy at the moment. Wedding plans. She wanted me to come pick it up and us look at it together back at the house. I will bring it back to you if any other changes are needed, but with your wonderful work, I don’t think that will be necessary.” I tried to sound cheerful and smiled at her sweetly. Secretly, I hoped a lot of things would be wrong with the dress, to maybe post pone the wedding.

“Of course, Dear,” she beamed. “But be sure to tell me what your mother thinks.”

“Of course,” I promised. I took the dress from her and headed to the door. “I will see you later then. Thanks.”

I rushed out of the door, so fast she wasn’t able to respond. I rushed down the crowded streets, my eyes filling with tears. Now with the dress in my hands, everything seemed more real and I dreaded the wedding more then ever. I rushed past the drunken carolers and onto the path leading back to my house. I started panting, so I stopped to catch my breath. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer and I walked over to a tree and let the tears flood down my face. I eased down the tree into a sitting position and just cried. My heart ached in my chest.

I heard footsteps coming towards me in the snow. I hid my face. I didn’t like to be seen like this. No one has ever seen me cry before, no one has ever seen my pain before.

“Excuse me, Miss?” a man’s voice asked. I looked to the side. I didn’t want him to see me cry. “Miss? Is everything alright?”

I don’t quite know why, but for some reason, I looked up at him. He had grey, blue eyes that captured me. I couldn’t look away. They were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I reluctantly looked away from his eyes to his face. He had a beautifully shaped face, covered partly by long straight black hair. I just wanted to touch it. I resisted the urge and lowered my gaze. He had a muscular physic that was absolutely drool worthy. I gulped. He was gorgeous!

I sat there, staring at him in amazement and my mind began screaming annoying, nagging thoughts at me. That this could be a problem. That he could become a problem. But strangely enough, I wanted to know who he was.

“Miss? Is there anything I can do to help?”