These Walls I've Built Around Myself

When I had ran out of breath I collapsed next to a tree, my breathing deep and uneven. Lucy Berkeley. Lucy Berkeley is what I would be in just a week. I hated the sound of it. I hated to think of me living in the same house as that monster even before the wedding. A tear ran down my cheek and I brushed it away. I was crying too much lately. I need to keep myself together, even if I marrying Ethan Berkeley is a nightmare.

I sighed. I need to stop this internal conflict. One second I am telling myself I need to be strong and the next I am saying how much I can’t marry him. I knew that the part of me that was telling myself to be strong, was also in agreement with the part of myself that was saying I couldn’t marry him. I sighed again. I was acting like I had a split personality, but my thoughts were just a jumbled mess. I couldn’t quite think clearly.

I looked up at the grey sky and I instantly thought of those grey-blue eyes that looked at me with so much concern earlier today. I smiled lightly recalling him and that was when I finally came to a decision. I had finally made up my mind. I would stop this internal conflict. I would not marry that Ethan Berkeley without a fight. I took on a determined look as I studied the snowy terrain. “Funny,” I mumbled to myself, “how just one encounter with a mysterious stranger can change my outlook.” I laughed, a real laugh. It wasn’t forced and it wasn’t fake. I took joy in my own amusement, when suddenly I heard footsteps in the snow. They weren’t loud, just faint clump, clumps that I realized were coming from behind me. I froze. I had no idea who was looking for me.

“Miss Lucy?” It was Alice. She saw me then and came to stand in front of me. “Oh, Lucy! You must be freezing!” She took off her coat and wrapped it around me. I hadn’t realized until now that I had been freezing. I had forgotten my coat as I ran out the door, desperate to get away. It all seemed silly to me now and it felt like it was so long ago. Alice helped me to my feet. “Are you alright?” she asked me.

I smiled at my friend. “Yes, Alice. Thank you. I think I will be okay.” She looked at me, somewhat surprised to see the change in me, but didn’t question it. I was glad, I wasn’t exactly sure if I could explain it. I walked back to the house with her, somehow more lifted. I had hope that if I tried hard enough, that I would somehow find a way to get out of my arranged marriage.

When I returned, he was still at the dinner table with my parents, discussing what sounded like business. I sat back down in my seat and Ethan placed his arm around my shoulders again as if I hadn’t left at all. I grimaced slightly at his touch.

My mother looked to me. “I see you have returned,” she kind of sneered. She fixed a strand of her blond hair behind her ear.

Ethan looked at me and chuckled. “Did you have a nice walk, my Dear?” I gazed at him with fake delight and smiled.

“Why yes I did, I just needed a little fresh air.” My mother gave me a look of pride at my “happy” appearance. It was apparent she didn’t know it was forced.

“Ah well, we were just finishing up dinner,” my mother said. “You should go pack now.” She said the last part with that sort of tone, her rude tone, that also was a strict order. I could tell she was quite eager to get rid of me. I mumbled an ok.

Mr. Berkeley turned to Alice then and barked an order at her. “You! Go help Lucy get ready!” Alice didn’t meet his eyes and hurried up the stairs with me.

“I hate the way he treats you,” I told her when we were out of ear range. She smiled at me.

“I’m lucky to have you as such a good friend, Lucy.” That was all she said. She seemed like she didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t push the subject. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. She helped me pack my things and the whole time, I took in the sight of my bedroom. It was probably the last time I would see it. I felt sad knowing this, but I quickly dismissed it, I had bigger things to worry about. When all my things were packed, we descended the stairs back to the main entry. Ethan and my parents came to join us and I had a wave of sadness hit me. This was officially it. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I had to. I would live with Ethan Berkeley, but I would be fighting him the whole way. I smirked, but Alice was the only one who noticed. She gave me a knowing look.

“Ready to go, Dear?” I nodded slightly, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. Instead of answering him I hugged Alice and said, “I’m going to miss you.” I really did mean it. She was my best friend and the thought of her not being around caused my eyes to sting. She smiled back at me, but her smiled disappeared once she saw the angry, and quite frightening, look on Mr. Berkeley’s face. She backed off and faded to the background, causing me to be outraged.

“Shall we?” he said to me and he took my hand, but I quickly pulled it away and stalked outside, through the snow, to his limo. I was angry at him for treating Alice the way he had tonight. I heard him mutter “women” and join me in the limo.

When he got in the limo he noticed I had chosen a spot as far away from the door as possible. I was staring down at the leather upholstery. He closed the door and the limo pulled away from the curb. He looked at me with the calmed expression I had ever seen on him.

“That's fine, my dear Lucy,” he said, staring out the window at the falling snow. “You will learn to love me.” Although it was just a few short words, those words were filled with so much ice I felt a shiver go down my spine and I gulped. I realized this was going to be harder than I thought.