The Mistake of Our Break

Dear Jay,

We started out good don't you think? We where happy, but that's the way it always starts, isn't it? I meet you, Jay James, on tour. I was a simple girl just doing security for the gig your band was playing. Backstage after breaking up a fight, I saw you sitting alone watching everything and everyone going around you. I walked over with a smile on my face, you looked like a lost child. I got on my honkers and spoke to you. "Hey, are you alright?"

You had been involved in the fight, over what it was unknown to any of us at the moment in time. You looked at me a little dazed, but smiled. I never believed in love at first sight, but I sure as hell believed in lust. "Yeah, don't worry you're pretty face about me." You stood up and nearly fell to the ground. "I think I'll just stay sitting down." You nodded, laughing at himself.

I rolled my eyes and sat with you for a while, to make sure that you didn't pass out. Medic's where too busy treating other guys with more serious injuries. I did a coarse in first aid but my skills only went so far. "You guys travel much?" I asked you, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

"Yeah, quiet a lot actually. It's hard going sometimes. But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do." You sighed, you put your hand into his pocket and pulled out a picture of a little baby. "This is my daughter, Abigail. I hardly ever see her, but I'm doing this so she can have the life I never had. She won't have hand me downs and will go to the best college in world. She's a year old next month."

"Aw, congratulations, she looks exactly like you." I held the picture for a few moments, admiring your daughter. She was a little dote. "It must suck not to see her or her mom as often as you like." You scoffed a little, and I looked to you, slightly alarmed. "Oh sorry, did I say something wrong?"

"Her mum left me," You said with a little smile. "She said she wouldn't be able to cope with a baby and having to worry about me cheating on her while I was touring all the time." I gave you back the picture and put it away. "She was wrong, never once did I look at another woman when we where together. But I guess that wasn't enough, eh?"

Before I could answer I was knocked over by some guy, who didn't even apologise. you called after him demanding he say sorry for knocking me over. You helped me up before walking over to the guy threatening him. I ran over between the two and put my hand on your chest trying to push you back. "Yeah that's right, get you're bitch to stick up for you."

"Don't, he's not worth it." I said in a clam tone, still pushing you away from the guy. "Come on now, you don't want to go home to your little girl all battered or with a criminal record do you?" You looked away from the guy and into my eyes. "Good boy, you listened." I grinned, and out of no where you kissed me.

That kissed sparked off a two year relationship with you. You were my knight in shining armour and I was your girlfriend. You had to tour allot but the relationship was pretty much give and take. With you touring all the time and me doing security around Britain the relationship soon began to take its toll. The distance was killing our relationship.

But you being a bright spark told me to quit my job and work for your band. And I did. Our relationship was back to normal again, we were happy as ever. I did any job I could on tour, I even got your daughter out on tour for a while. Everything was going great, until the unexpected mood swings started. Every time I tried to talk you would snap at me and stalk off to the guys.

No body knew what was wrong with you. It was strange, even your best friends didn't know why your behaviour had suddenly changed so dramatically. All we did was fight and have sex. It was a part of our relationship that had never been seen before. But I tolerated it.

A knew girl came on tour, she was nervous at first so I befriended her showed her the ropes. You calmed down, we went out more. We even started talking about buying a house, getting married and having kids. I was in awe that you actually wanted those things with me. You opened up to me, Jay, you did before but not to the extent of planning our future together. I tried not to get paranoid when you began to hang out with the new girl. I didn't want to be one of those girlfriends that didn't trust their boyfriends but I couldn't help it.

Yet you still stayed with me, acting normally, being friendly with everyone. Then I became pregnant, you couldn't wait to have another baby, especially one you where going to be able to see all the time. You where completely over joyed, I was too. Out future was coming together, I soon forgot all about you and that girl.

When we found out we were having a little boy, you where even more delighted. You had names picked out names, but you were adamant he would have your fathers name and i agreed. Everyone you meet you told them about me being pregnant, it didn't matter who they where you told them. I never saw you this excited before. That made me excited about everything.

You became more distant again. You wouldn't talk to me, let alone look at me. I couldn't handle your moods while I was heavily pregnant with your child. We became very distant as the baby's birth date drew closer, it just so happened to be the Christmas holidays. We were civil to each other, forcing a smile and conversation when family or friends happened to be around. But it wasn't working.

"I think we should break up," I told you on Christmas eve. I expected some sort of compassion for you. I wanted to hear you say no. I wanted you to fight for me, us, and the baby. I thought you and I would have a fight, I though it would bring back the passion. But you just shrugged your shoulders and said fine. You walked out that front door and I didn't care at all.

Two days later I went into labor. I called your mother to tell her, I wasn't about to call you. But she hadn't seen you since we where last over. Needless to say you found out off one of the guys and came to the hospital. I didn't want to see you, but the second I looked at our son it was like looking at you. You came in soon after with Abbi and you both doted over him. I called him, Jack, after your father. Although we weren't on talking terms, you told me how happy you where and how we should work it out for Jack's sake.

And we did, for a while. You and the guys had been recording an album not to far from home so we were together a lot more. But the strain of having a baby too look after as well as you and your mood swings was getting to much for me. The fighting started again, you drank even heavier but complained of constant headaches. I just told you where a constant headache, not really caring anymore.

You collapsed on stage one night in Cardiff. I told myself I didn't care, but it was a lie because I ran to your side when you ended up in hospital. Since you hit your head you had to get a cat scan, that's when they found the tumor. That meant more tests, more doctors appointments. A month later the doctors said it was cancerous and they had to operate straight away. I started to feel guilty, if I was paying more attention to you and your headaches they would have realized what was wrong with you sooner.

After surgery, I cried as I sat by your side. The doctors said they weren't able to remove it all because of its location. Chances of your survival where very slim, you didn't know what to say. All you wanted was your two kids by your side. Abbi was a bouncy four year old who liked to play doctors and nurses with you when ever she came, you kept telling her the doctors wanted to help his head get better. Jack was only three months old, he was hardly going to understand why you where there, but every day you would read his stories, show him off to everyone in the hospital. You loved him so much, it killed me to know he might no have much time left with you.

The doctors sent you home after a long time in hospital. You got so much better in time, but you were on so much medication we could have opened a chemist. A smile came back on your face, but you where still very weak. Everyone would come to visit and you would put on a brave face and tell them everything was going great. But it wasn't the tumor wasn't shirking, nothing was working and the doctors couldn't remove anymore.

You would joke about cancer constantly, it was your way of handling the fact you die. "Give us a fag before I die of cancer." You'd tell people, just see their facial reaction. Not only where you easing your own pain, but you where making your friends and family more comfortable with the disease you had inside of you.

Everyone was waiting for your health to decline, even the doctors had lost faith. But you hadn't you were determined to watch Abbi and Jack grow up, no matter what any doctor said to you. Out of blue, you baffled doctors when you went for a check up. The tumor was shrinking, the amazing thing was you stopped taking the medication. No one could explain, never once did you complain.

The day before Jack's first birthday we had a huge fight, it was over a small stupid thing. I wanted you to go back on tour, live your life that you always wanted. I could always see that you wanted to go back touring, its what you lived for. The fight just escalated more, it was more personal, I accused him of cheating, you accused me of being a bad mother. That was the one thing that set me off, I stormed up stairs and took Jack with some belongings. I vowed you would never see him again.

I went to my mum's and stayed there with Jack for the night. I cried myself to sleep, we never had such a big fight before over nothing. I left you but I was crying because I wanted you. But my pride was too much for me too apologize. The morning of Jack's birthday you came around, I saw you pull up across the road in the car. I waited for the doorbell to be rang. I answered and you just kissed me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I pushed you away, you just stood there with a sheepish smile. Hands in your pockets looking completely innocent, I couldn't help but to smile it was a habit I picked up from looking at you all those years. "Jay, what do you want?" I asked you in a much softer tone.

"My son turns one today, I want to see him," you smiled but something inside of me snapped.

"Not today, you can see him tomorrow," I stepped back inside, tried to close the door as you looked stunned. "In case you don't remember last night, I told you, you were never going to see my son ever again."

"To hell with that, babe, it was a stupid fight." I wasn't convinced and you could see that. "I'm sorry, I've just had so much on lately, we've both had to deal with things we didn't want to. But we can make this, past all the fights. I know I don't make easy sometimes, but I really want to be with. I love you Taylor, and no one else."

"I can't keep fighting, Jay," I told you honestly. "I can't stand the fact that every time you walk out that door on me and Jack, you're just out getting drunk and tryna pick up girls. I love you Jay," I whispered, trying my best not to cry. "I love you so much that it hurts. The fights, the good times, the bad... I don't want anymore of that. It was good for the first two years, but and I both know we aggravate each other."

"No," shaking your head, you took my hands in yours. "Please don't do this Taylor. We are meant to be together. We love each other, we have a little boy in there to prove that. We can do this, I'll do whatever it takes to make you stay with. I love you, don't leave me because of that."

"Just go away Jay, we can talk about this another time, right now all I want is to be with my son on his first birthday." I pulled my hands from yours. I guess you thought I would take you back because I could see in your eyes, how the sorrow just filled from no where. "I'm sorry, I just can't be with you right now."

You nodded your head, looking to the ground, as though you wanted it to swallow you up into a dark hole. "Right," you sounded to weak. "I guess I'll talk to someone about joint custody. I really didn't think it would come to this. I really do love you." You walked away, I let you go, out of my life, with the exception of Jack.

Holding my hand over my mouth, I let tears slowly slip from my eyes. you walked straight across the street to get in your car, but you never made it that far. A loud scream escaped my mouth the second that car came in contact with your body. I ran as fast as I could to be by your side. "Jay, can you hear me? Babe, talk to me, please?" she begged, looking around for help. "You can't go on me like this, you have Jack!" I shouted, trying to encourage you to get up.

your eyes flickered open and a huge grin appeared on my face. "It hurts," you wheezed, squeezing my hand ever so slightly. "Don't let me go." You closed your eyes again and shook you. I know its bad to shake an injured person but I wanted to live, as much as I wanted us to be apart I never wanted you to be dead. "I love you Taylor, I always have, remember that?" you said with a smile.

"No, no, no, I love you but don't do this Jay not now!" But that was it for you. You gave up on me and Jack. You where only thirty one, you'd just beat terminal cancer a few months ago. It was so unnatural that you died this way.

Three months on, I'm still missing you. I shouldn't have said what I said to you that day. You would have been inside with Jack, celebrating his first birthday with us. You died before the ambulance even got there, you gave up too soon.

Now I sit here alone, thinking about you constantly. I know you can't read this but I need to express how much I loved you, I still do. Every day I visit your grave and I blame myself. But you could have tried harder I know you could have. Jack doesn't understand, every once in a while he will look at a photo and shout 'Dada' for a while and then cry for you.

You could have tried better Jay, you could have tried.

Love always,

Taylor

x x x