I Will Breathe Fire

My eyes felt dry and raw from the continuous wiping. I felt empty and lifeless just staring outside of the slide doors in the living room. The sun light burnt my eyes as it was cast over my body. I sat on the floor with my arms hanging into my lap over my short running shorts, my legs were lazily crossed and my white vest draped over my medium frame like a rag.

The phone rang once, it rang twice, and I let it ring.

I began to sway gentle as the machine slowly answered the call.

“Aiden! Pick up I know your there, please I just want to talk to you come on… Don’t make me come over there, call me back you know who this is…”

“This is the fifth time you’ve called me,” I spoke gently into the phone, picking it up before he hung up; gently biting my tongue.

“Aiden?”

‘No! Its Father Christmas shit head! Yes it’s me!’ I wanted to scream. “It’s her.” I replied instead.

“Oh, hey umm… about there other night… I didn’t mean to I-I was… drunk.”

Laughter lingered in the background of the conversation from his end. Speaker phone? Cunt! Was he mocking me? Does he think this is funny? He won’t think it’s funny when I go all ‘Saw 3’ on his ass. Who’s laughing in the background? Is that Jaime? Oh heaven help Frank.

“Is that Jaime back there?” I asked grinding hard on my teeth.

“Ah, would I be lying if I said she wasn’t here?”

“Great.” I slammed the phone down the first chance I got and stood hovering over the phone with clenched fists. Two, three, four, I began to pound my heavy fists into the wall to see if pain can over shadow jealousy and heartbreak. That Jamie friend of his I can’t stand, she’s so prefect. She lives a prefect little life in her prefect little rich home with her prefect little family. It makes me sick.

I continue to thrash at the wall when the front door unlocked and opened itself. I loud shriek erupted from the doorway. But, being the person I am, I ignored the yelling focusing on enforcing pain which quickly began throb from my knuckles to my wrists, up to my forearm. Can’t get over him, can’t get through to him, why do I even try.

“Aiden! Aiden! Stop! Aiden stop!” someone cried as I carried on hammering at the wall harder and harder. I was pulled away quickly having my hands pulled together and forced to the centre of my chest.

“Hey!” I hissed paying no heed.

“Aiden! What are you doing?”

I was taken aback by how quickly my hands were withdrawn. I my eyes direct to the ground instantly over looking my bleeding knuckles. My fingers throbbed promptly as I found my attention switched to the pain blossoming from my palms.

“Are you… smoking?” this person asked. The obvious question gave away his identity and without even looking up, I knew it was Gerard. Why was he here? Was he here to gloat about how he how he was right or was this visit just to see if I hadn’t killed myself already.

“No,” I murmured. I slowly motioned my head up not expecting much, his hair was always in a mess, if he wasn’t smoking he would be chewing gum. He’d always be wearing something dark, trying not to draw so much attention to himself. He always wore this black leather jacket which smelt like it was made out of tobacco, which still does. He wore Vans because they were easy, plain black was his game.

But as I look up I seemed to stagger. He looked different today. No black leather jacket? No gum? No cigarette? No vans? He stood with his worried expression in grey Chuck Taylor’s, blue skinny jeans, a plan white shirt, with his hair was combed neatly to the left and me, was lost in his eyes.

Why do I always do this? Why do I have to always find the most impossible people to fall in love with? Why can’t I be simple? Why can’t I be a boy? Why!

“Then why were you driving your fists into the wall like that?”

‘Isn’t it obvious, it’s Frank,’ I wanted to say but I didn’t want to spoil my moment. He held my bloody hands in his and led me to the kitchen. His hands were warm, strong and were bigger than mine which always seems to make me smile. He gentle sat me down and signalled to me with his index finger, with a mocked angry expression and pouted lips not to move.

He investigated the bottom cupboards of the kitchen by sticking his head into the actual cupboard itself. Unintentionally he began to sway his hips from side to side. My head out of instinct titled and my mouth gapped open and the view seemed better from this angle.

“Found it!” he screamed out loud making me jump. He threw the first aid kit on the table and went for the freezer. He came back pulling out a chair and sat in front of me. I sat there embarrassed about my bleeding fists, suddenly feeling all shy around Gerard. I held my hands together in a less painful manner and tried my best to hide them under my shirt vest.

“He’s a total jackass sometimes; you have to understand that…” He began. He grabbed my wrist firmly but kindly placing them on his lap, as his brought his legs together. Reaching over for the ice and cotton balls I wanted to reply but the lump in my throat stole my words away.

“I can’t say ‘I know what you’re going through’ because I don’t… You know me.” He explained, placing the ice pack over my knuckles. After a few contorted faces later, he continued. “But what I do know, is there’s no use in just sitting around and wondering what you did wrong, because you did nothing to deserve that.”

His words began to revive my heart back to life. My body began to feel warm again and the sides of my lips curled up with the smallest bit of excitement it was feed. Is Gerard good for me?

“You know what we’re going to do?” he asked with a soft smile.

How could I have over looked the kindest man in my life? The only real man in my life... It took me a move to meet him, high school to become friends, graduation to get to know him, a death to get close to him and after a heartbreak… I think I kind of love the man. Shit.

“We’re going to Frank’s birthday bash.”

… I love him and all, but he comes up with the most outrageous solutions for my situations.

“What!? Are you smoking? That’s like suicide, never.”

“No silly,” he giggled removing the ice pack. “To get over Frank, we’re going to try a new alternative… I see that pain inflicting isn’t working as planned. So, to get over your fear, you have to confront it, confront him.”

“No way in hell will I let you drag me through that stupid Halloween party.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“Ha?”

“I don’t care I’m taking you whether you like it or not. I will carry you kicking and screaming to that party if I have to.”

He put the final touches on my bandages and handed back my palms in a gentle fashion.

“I’ve got nothing to wear…” I blurted out trying to think of better excuses not to go. Gerard was always strong willed and always took control… that was when he wanted too.

“Then let’s go shopping.”